Z-Bonia

Updated: 10/12/04 Click here for Zbonia archive

Words

I don't have a job, so I can sleep in if I want to and I want to. I still shave and shower like normal days. I wonder what is going to happen. I am pretty bored. I don't drink normal soda pop anymore I drink diet exclusively. I have however been eating more candy and cookies lately.

Email Attachment of the Week


Joke of the Week

Dear Alcohol,

First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. My
friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work
cocktail, a beer with the game, and you're even around in the holidays
hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of
endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about your
intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at
heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences,
briefed below for your review.

1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important,
I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or
necessity that takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those
ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear
from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest
that I eat a kebab with chili sauce, along with a big Italian pizza & some
overcooked rock hard potato cakes & chips (washed down with chocolate
shake & topped off with a Kit Kat all after a few cheese curls & chili
cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this
time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do
more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home
by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black
& blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day is beyond
me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the
front door key into the lock.

4. Pictures: This can be a blessing in disguise, as it can often
clarify the last point below, but the following costumes are banned from ever
being placed on my head in public again: Indian wigs, sombreros, bows,
ties, boxes, upside-down cups, inflatable balloon animals, traffic
cones, or bras. Also, what is with you making me take pictures with people
I clearly don't like when I'm sober? Yet they suddenly become my best
friends when a flash is presented?

5. Beer Goggles: If I think I may know him/her from somewhere, I most
likely do not. Please do not request that I go over & see if in fact, I
do actually know that person. Please stop me from talking to the
guy/girl with the crooked teeth; acned-up face; bad breath, beer belly, etc.
Why are they so appealing to me while I'm with you & why are they so
disgusting to me the next morning after you have worn off??

6. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting
ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may
be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely
unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions re
taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to
bed/passing out facedown on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the
hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like
to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of
great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion
when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets.
In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my
grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer
no later than Friday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions &
hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,

Your biggest fan

Email Train of the Week - usually have to read these bottom to top

aziola

or having a kitty jam something in me

--- r_j_phillips@bankone.com wrote:

better than jammin a pill UP a kittys hole.

R J Phillips

"z@homemail.com"

nothing like jammin a pill down a kittys hole

--- r_j_phillips@bankone.com wrote:

You are a good mom.

R J Phillips

"z@homemail.com"

she is sitting here

she has a hyperthyroid, i have to give her a pill 2 times a day

--- r_j_phillips@bankone.com wrote:

wow. sorry man. how is schmoopie?

R J Phillips

"z@homemail.com"

no idea

--- r_j_phillips@bankone.com wrote:

get out. wow, sorry dude. did you know it was comin?

R J Phillips

"z@homemail.com"

no they laid me off last fri

--- r_j_phillips@bankone.com wrote:

hello ziola. are you still a Broadwinger?

R J Phillips

I am gonna be in Arizona so I am am trying to get rid of my
tickets --
Sun, Oct 31 Bears VS. San Francisco - it is a night game - I think 7:30PM, face value is 110$ for the 2 of them - they are in
Section 221, Row 18. let me know if you want them. thanks!

Love, Z E-mail me if you have anything you want to post on this page