Z-Bonia

Updated: 1/28/03 Click here for Zbonia archive

Words

It has been quite an ordeal trying to break in this new pair of shoes I got a while back. Fake laughs can be so annoying. Finding a hole in your sweater is a little embarassing. I love home. After a trip, I love the feeling of walking in my place of residence and seeing that my cat is OK. Don't get me wrong, I have good time taking trips but I know I am in the right place cause everytime I am headed back and I see Chicago, it feels like a pile of right. I really enjoy coming back to work after a few days off and bring buried like catching up with tons to do. Thinking about money is so sucky. I hate the '$'. Winter completly sucks. I am pretty damn good at small talk.

I got this email forwarded to me:

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the
second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge ... mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the joy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD:
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down
there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking
chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to
ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is . . . having sex.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 60 success is . . . having sex.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.

Email Attachment of the Week


Joke of the Week

Benefits of having Alzheimer's:

You can wrap your own presents.
You are always meeting new friends.

Email Train of the Week - usually have to read these bottom to top

From: "Matt Edwards" <matt@game-six.com>
To: z@homemail.com
Subject: Sweet

Hello Dr. Odd! Love your site. Stumbled across it thanks to your
Seinfeld scripts page, which I hope you never, EVER take down & someday complete.

Anyway, my buddy & I have been copying & pasting selections from
Seinfeld scripts & emailing them back & forth. Not sure if it will qualify for
the EMail Train of the Week, but why not try.

BTW, love the name Schmoopie for the cat. It's just a tad more
original than Cosmo, which is my cat's name. (Although it's a perfect name for
him.)

Anyways, thanks for providing some much needed laughter during the work day.

Matt
Ledyard, CT

TRAIN BEGINS (or ends):

Ok, since these are all from the same episode, here's a bunch of them
(in
order):

Kramer: Yeah well, that's easy. Just let me finish this mile high and
I'll
be right with you. Oh, and Jerry, we are gonna need a case of Kaiser
rolls.

Jerry: I think we might have one left in the stock room.

[Kramer looks lost.]

--------------------------------------

[Elaine's building. Elaine and Kramer.]

Kramer: This hallway smells like potatoes.

Elaine: I know, I know, this is it. [points to a door.]

Kramer: Ok, oh, you see this socket it's probably connected to her
apartment. So what we'll do, we'll take this paper clip and bend it so
it'll short out the entire circuit. Here you go...

Elaine: I think I'll let you do it.

Kramer: No no no. It's easy, you just...do it quickly.

Elaine: No, I really don't want to.

Kramer: Well, I don't want to either.

Elaine: I thought you had done this before.

Kramer: It's just...it's no picnic.

Elaine: Well, how are we gonna do it?

Kramer: Alright, fine fine, I'll do it.

[Kramer moisturizes the paper clip in his mouth and sticks it to the
power
socket. Electric buzz and Kramer twitches on the floor. The lights go
off.]

Kramer: Oh mama.

Elaine: Are you okay?

Kramer: I will lose that nail.

--------------------------------------

[Elaine's hallway. Kramer and Elaine are sizing the space under the
door.]

Kramer: I think we are looking half a millimeter.

Elaine: Can it cut that thin?

Kramer: Oh, I've cut slices so thin, I couldn't even see them.

Elaine: How did you know you cut it?

Kramer: Well, I guess I just assumed.

Elaine: Hold on kitty, dinner's coming.

Kramer: Yeah, that's a hall of famer.

Elaine: Alright, let's do it.

Kramer: Alright, here we go. Yeah, watch that baby slide...[Puts a
slice of
meat under the door.]

Elaine: Come on, come on kitty...[slice disappears] ooh...how about
that;
it worked! Wow, can I borrow that thing for a while?

Kramer: Oh no, I don't think so.

Elaine: Why not?

Kramer: Well, you're not checked at on it.

Elaine: What do I have to know?

Kramer: Well, where the meat goes?

Elaine: Right there.

Kramer: Where do you turn it on?

Elaine: Right there.

Kramer: But where does the meat go?

--------------------------------------

Kramer: Boy, that looks like an allergic reaction. Have you been
wearing a fake beard?

Jerry: No.

Kramer: Well, what have you been doing?

Jerry: Nothing, I got up, run some errands, I went down to Sara's
office and apologized...

Kramer: Whoa whoa, backup, Dr. Sitarides, what happened there?

Jerry: Well, I tried to apologise, it didn't go over that well...

Kramer: There, there's your hives.

Jerry: What, she gave me hives?

Kramer: Jerry, as the Bible says; Thou who cureth, can maketh ill.

Jerry: She did kind of touch my face.

Kramer: Now you listen to me, you've got to find this woman and tell
her
that you're not a test tube pin cushion.

Jerry: It does itch. Maybe I will go down at Kruger and talk to her.

Kramer: Alright, great, because I got to get down there and pick up my
blade. Hey, and I couldn't find that stock room.

--------------------------------------

George: So I set up a screening, everyone takes their shirt off and
click, I snap me a shot of a bear-chested Kruger.

Elaine: You have a little thing for this fella'?

--------------------------------------

[Kruger comes to George and Kramer. Kramer is wearing the white
butcher's coat.]

Kruger: Hey George, hey Doc. We doing the screening here?

George: Aah, yeah, yeah. Won't you head on in, we'll be in in a second.
Be right with you.

Kramer: Doc, huh?

George: Kramer, this is perfect. I need you to go in there, pretend
you're a doctor and check this guy for moles.

Kramer: Moles, yes. Freckle's ugly cousin.

George: And get a picture of him, with his shirt off.

Kramer: You really are cooking up a little scheme here, aren't you?

George: Alright, lets get in there. Quick, quick, quick...

--------------------------------------

[Kruger's. Kramer is examining Mr. Kruger.]

Kramer: Male mammal. Approximately 30 to 60 years of age. Weight...uh
indeterminate. Ok, Mr. Kruger, we are gonna take a photo now for the
records. So if you'll stand up please and give me a big smile, oh no no
no, not that big. Yeah, that's nice, yes okay. Yes, let's have a
looksee...ok, so eh, fiber from shirt on the left shoulder. I'm gonna have to keep my
on that.

Kruger: How long have you been doing this Dr. Van Nostrand?

Kramer: Uuh, long long time. Yes, I've seen moles so big they have
their own moles. Freckles that cover two men.

Kruger: So, how am I looking?

Kramer: Oh, so far, so good...[looks at Mr. Kruger's shoulder] yeuye...

[Kramer comes out to talk to George.]

George: Kramer, I really owe you one.

Kramer: George, we got a problem.

George: What?

Kramer: Well, he's got a mole on his shoulder. Very suspicious.

George: So, tell him you're concerned about it and he should see
someone else.

Kramer: George, why would I, a Juilliard trained dermatologist, send
him to another doctor?

George: Because, you're not a dermatologist.

Kramer: He thinks I am. I'm not gonna betray that trust. Here's what I
wanna do; I think I can get a section...

George: Whoa, whoa, a section?!

Kramer: Yeah, if I could crab my slicer and he'd hold still...

George: No, you're not taking a deli slicer to my boss...

Kramer: It'll be operative thing, he would barely feel it.

George: No! Absolutely Not!

Kramer: Well, it's my medical opinion, that you're making a big
mistake. And it's going in my chart.

--------------------------------------

Jerry: Hey, I wonder if they have a picture of my rash in here.

Kramer: They've got everything there, Jerry. I underlined the best
parts.

Jerry: Hey, this looks like the thing I have. Caused by exposure to
benzene, a common ingredient in metal cleaners.

[Kramer cleans the blade with some liquid and a towel.]

Kramer: Well, that's weird.

Jerry: What are you doing?

Kramer: Well, I'm cleaning my slicer.

Jerry: That's my hand towel! I use that on my face, hands and chest!
That's where the hives are coming from! It's not from Dr. Sitarides, it's from
Dr. Van Nostrand!

Kramer: So, somehow the Bronzo (?) is reacting to the poison she's
giving you.

Jerry: Alright, get out. And take your Bronzo with you [throws the
bottle to Kramer.]

Kramer: Ohh, that's toxic. [Jerry throws the towel over Kramer's head.]
Ououou....

-----Original Message-----

From: John

Sent: Wednesday, January 08, 2003 2:35 PM

To: 'Matt

Subject: RE: Numbers

Kramer: Hey there.

Joey: Come on. Mom's down in the car.

Kramer: Okay, Joey.

[Joey exits.]

Jerry: You guys both have class at the same time?

Kramer: No, we're in the same class.

Jerry: What do you mean you're in the same class?

Kramer: He almost beat me.

Jerry: Kramer, you're fighting children?!

Kramer: We're all at the same skill level, Jerry.

Jerry: He's nine years old! You don't need karate, you can just wring
his

neck

John

-----Original Message-----

From: Matt Sent: Wednesday, January 08, 2003 2:31 PM

To: John

Subject: RE: Numbers

"yeah, this way"

[Elaine calls on the phone.]

Elaine: Vivian, hi it's Elaine. Yeah, I'm over at Jerry's, I got your

message...What? Yeah, he's right here, hold on...[hands the phone to

Kramer.]

Kramer: For me? Go...Yeah, what tonight? Yeah, I'll be there...Yeah
later.

[puts the phone down] Well, somebody's baby-sitting.

Elaine: You? I'm more responsible than you are!

Kramer: Don't be ridiculous. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go to
fill

my freezer with my own blood.

-----Original Message-----

From: John

Sent: Wednesday, January 08, 2003 2:29 PM

To: 'Matt

Subject: RE: Numbers

The ending on this one will make you die laughing!

JERRY: So three dates and she still won't let me play with her toys.

KRAMER: That's interesting. You know someone mentioned to me you were
not

very happy with your toys growing up.

JERRY: Yeah, that was me.

KRAMER: Oh, that's right, right, right. And uh you mentioned that uh,
you

didn't get a G.I. Joe. You had.

JERRY: An Army Pete.

KRAMER: Right.

JERRY: He was made of wood and in the rain he would swell up and then
split.

KRAMER: And we all know how painful that can be.

<Elaine enters>

ELAINE: Jerry

KRAMER: Oh, Elaine Benes. Well, this is quite a thrill, yes. Come on
sit

down. Yes.

ELAINE: Well, I'll tell ya, this sidler guy is really chapping my hide.

KRAMER: Excuse me yeah. We're talking ... this way.

ELAINE: Well, he's getting credit for work I did! He's gonna sidle me
right

out of a job.

KRAMER: Now, for those of us who don't know, uh, sidling is what?

John

-----Original Message-----

From: Matt

Sent: Wednesday, January 08, 2003 2:22 PM

To: John

Subject: RE: Numbers

These are making me laugh too much!

KRAMER: (Like a teacher) The Andrea Doria collided with the Stockholm
in

dense fog 21 miles off the coast of Nantucket. (Makes a clicking sound
with

his tongue)

(Everyone's taken back by Kramer's knowledge)

GEORGE: How do you know?

KRAMER: it's in my book - "Astonishing Tales of the Sea" 51 people
died.

GEORGE: 51 people?!

KRAMER: That's it?! I thought it was, like, a thousand!

KRAMER: There were 1,650 survivors.

GEORGE: That's no tragedy! How many people do you lose on a normal
cruse?

30? 40?! Kramer, can I take a look at that book? (Starts walking toward
the

door.

Kramer grabs his food, and follows)

KRAMER: Oh yeah. I also got "Astounding Bear Attacks"

(George opens the door, and enters Kramer's apartment. Jerry stops
Kramer

before he can do the same)

JERRY: Hey, uh, before you go, did you talk to Newman about getting
that

mail outta there?

KRAMER: Yeah, oh, yeah. Yeah, he's not gonna do it. (Leaves)

(Jerry nods his head - like it was expected)

-----Original Message-----

From: John

Sent: Wednesday, January 08, 2003 2:18 PM

To: 'Matt

Subject: RE: Numbers

No he can't make it!

George: uh-uh. What's with the bucket?

Kramer: Lomez, he sold me his hot tub.

Jerry: Hot tub?

Kramer: Yeah yeah, it's in my living room. I just gotta fill it.
(points to

bucket)

George: You put a hot tub... in your living room?

Kramer: Oh, it's a beauty! It's got these high-volume aqua-sage jets

oscillating and pulsating,

soothing your every aching muscle. The water's gonna get over 120
degrees!

(happy)

George: Is that tolerable?

Kramer: Oh...it's tolerable...! (happy)

Jerry: Isn't that the same temperature the coffee that scalded you?

Kramer: Oh, I think it's a little cooler than that... (smiles and
leaves)

George: He uh...doesn't have any running water?

Jerry: I don't ask those kind of questions anymore.

John

-----Original Message-----

From: Matt

Sent: Wednesday, January 08, 2003 2:10 PM

To: John

Subject: RE: Numbers

That would rule! You'd have to carry me though. It's been 13 months
since

I've touched a ball.

Is Jumpin' Joe playing?

(Jerry and Kramer both go up to a unit door. Kramer's pulling a wagon
full

of junk. He starts to cough uncontrollably)

JERRY: (Disgusted) What is with that?!

KRAMER: Well, it's coughing, Jerry. It expels the diseased germs out of
the

body, into the air. (Makes a gesture of germs being in the air)

JERRY: (Takes out his key to unlock the unit door) Where is your key?

KRAMER: Yeah, well, uh, Newman. He's - he's got it.

JERRY: You know, Kramer, I rented out half of my space to you.

KRAMER: Yeah, and I rented out half that space to Newman. (Starts
coughing

again)

(Jerry opens the door, mail bags start spilling out of the unit)

JERRY: (Picks one up) Mail bags? He's storing mail in here?

KRAMER: (Looks at the bags on the floor) Evidently.

-----Original Message-----

From: John

Sent: Wednesday, January 08, 2003 2:06 PM

To: 'Matt

Subject: RE: Numbers

15 or 16 is the # he gave me! We should try to get on the same team.
How

was lunch?

GEORGE

Okay. The administrator's on the third floor. I'll meet you guys

by the car.

KRAMER

You got room for the pig-man?

George

The pig-man can take the bus.

KRAMER

You know, if pig-man had a car, he'd give you a ride.

George

How do you know? What if Pigman had a two-seater?

KRAMER

Come on George, be realistic.

Love, Z E-mail me if you have anything you want to post on this page