Mullet Speech 2002

Introduction: 

A)      Thanks for a great season!

a.       A full season Championship sweep (3 in a row)

b.       1st Championship, won all 3 playoff games in 1 day, all by the “slaughter rule”

c.       Other teams were not intimidated by the Mullets[Describe little five-foot Eddie, four-eyes Natah & balding Hube..]

d.       But after this year….that all changed!

Main Speech:

What is a Mullet?

A)      Is it their clothes?

a.       Matt Batt’s “knee high” socks

b.       Huba’s “schredded” sweat pants

c.       Roy’s “4 shades of green” championship “frog” outfit from K-Mart

d.       Z’dawg’s “stained armpit” T-shirts

B)      Is it their smell?

a.       Schalk’s “Ben-Gay” muscle rub

b.       Chando’s cologne

c.       Z’s Pits…

C)      Is it their attitude?

a.       Vidos “staring death in the face” by blocking the plate while a 300 pound guy is barreling down on him

b.       Natay coming to a game drunk, striking out 3 times and not even remembering that he played the next day

c.       Yours truly, Daddy Waddy, getting hit in the head with a rock from 7 year-old gang crossfire

D)      Is it their style?

a.       Roman’s willingness to “always take a walk” and get on base

b.       Jay’s “run through the base coaches’ stop sign” base running

c.       The Ed and Jeremy “ESPN Highlight” double-play.  When Ed fielded the ball, tossed it (backhand) to Jeremy, who caught it barehanded, spun and fired the ball to first for the most beautiful double-play that I have ever seen.

E)       Is it their fans?

a.       Most notably, Jaimi Shin

                                                               i.      Faithfully attends every game

                                                             ii.      Occasionally takes “official” Mullet pictures

                                                           iii.      Sometimes distracts the other team by showing up in short skirts, high heels and fishnet stockings…I hate it when that happens!

b.       My own personal EMT’s…Tricia and Amy & other mullet girlfriends including “the” mullet wife (Allie)

                                                               i.      Their quick action minimized the loss of blood and could very well be the reason I’m here today

What best describes a Mullet to me… is the fun and camaraderie that we share at Joe’s after the games.  The times we spend drinking and singing Karaoke, to me, are the best times.  That’s why, I’ve created a “Mullet Medley” as a tribute to our 2001 Mullet Softball Season.

Mullet Medley:  (See attached)

Conclusion:

Mullet Medley for the 2001 Mullet Softball Season

Team (We Are The Champions)

We are the champions my friends, and we’ll keep on fighting this season.  We are the champions, we are the champions…no time for losers, cause we are the champions…of the league!

Schalk (Johnny Be Good)

Way back up in the field among the drugs and sleeze, there was a city boy that simply lived to please…he learned to run and bat and throw the ball so well, but if you made a mistake, he’d really give you hell.  Yo, Yo, Yo Johnny Yo, Johnny’s so good!

Roman, Buck (Paradise City)

Take me out to the ball-field dirty, where his walks are good and his hits are pretty, Roman says…oh Buck just please hit me home!

Z’dawg (Pour Some Sugar On Me)

Z has got a gun, baby, come on, try to run…Other teams are shaking and will have no fun.  Looking like a rail, but the ball can really sail, come on “Mother –Fucker” let me hear you wail!  Please Z throw it to me!

Roy (Oh Mickey)

Oh Boy-Toy you’re so fine, how come you’re never here on time.  Hey Boy-Toy, Why Boy-Toy?  Oh Boy-Toy you’re so great, does Shauna always make you late?  Hey Boy-Toy, tell us Boy-Toy!

Jay (Love Shack)

Sign says…whoa!  Stay right here fool! Common sense should rule, on the base pads.  Well, he’s stuck right there in the middle of the base line, just a really slow guy, yet Jay’s doing just fine!

Huba (The Gambler)

You’ve got to know when to stretch him, know when to fetch him, know when to rub him down and when to stop.  You never count out Huba, when your drinking at the table, but there’ll be time enough for drinking when the softball game is done.

Batt (The Joker)

Some people call him our ace pitcher, yeah.  Allie calls him the gangster of love.  Some people say his small glove is weak… no more.  ‘Cause I speak of the power of new glove!

Ed, Natay, Jeremy, Vidos (Friends in Low Places)

Blame it all on the guys, throws to Ed are always high, and it ruins his plans for the game.  Inaccurate throws, it might come to blows, if this year it’s also the same.  And he’ll be surprised, even a tear in his eye, if we get the ball on his mitt…then he’ll be relieved and maybe we’ll be reprieved…but, he’ll still be giving us shit!

Cause Ed’s got friends in low places, where Natay falls down and Jeremy makes faces, but they’ll be O.K., their just singing anyway.  Vidos is big on social graces, watch him be real smooth and pick up the waitress, yes, Mullets are friends who go places!