Here is a great collection of Simpsons Scripts . My grand momma loves to read these on the potty.
The Simpsons Episode Scripts
5F17 - Lost Our Lisa
Wow! Mine too! The world is completely different on a weekday morning.
Banks are open.
Old people are walking the streets with impunity.
And look! Barney's not even drunk yet.
Can't stop to chat.
- Time is money.
- [Homer] Morning, Barney.
You know what makes it even sweeter? While we're out havir fun and walkir around like crazy those teachers are cooped up in school like morons! Mmm, here we go again.
[All Laughing, Whooping] Skinner! Ah.
No day would be completely wasted without a visit to the old joke shop.
- [Buzzing] - [Gasping] [Chuckles] Rookie mistake, Milhouse.
[Groans] Check it out, Bart.
X-ray specs! Hey, these don't work.
Uh- Oh, a lead shirt.
I'll take three pairs.
Here's my prescription.
You wanna not play with that? Just got it charged.
Maybe you can help me.
I don't think my face is as hilarious as it could be.
What can you show me in a nose or forehead accessory? [Bell Jingling] Whoa! Lookir sharp! Well, thanks, governor.
Oh! If you put dog doo on the suction cups, they'll stick better.
Milhouse, I'm not gonna take dog doo that's been on the dirty ground and put it on my face.
- I have a better idea.
- [Bird Squawking] - [Both Grunting] - [Snoring] - Hey, Dad, wake up! - Huh? What? [Muttering] I'm awake! I'm awake! I'm a productive member of the team.
You can't fire me! I quit! - Please! I have a family.
- Relax, Dad, it's just me.
I was wondering if you had any industrial-strength adhesive I could use on my face.
Well, let's see what we got in the old drawer.
Aha! There's some glue.
[Straining] Hope this stuff holds.
This exhibit is a once-in-a-lifetime event.
It's the first time these Egyptian artifacts have been allowed out of England.
Just let me put some film in the camera, and then we'll hop in the car.
You can get a picture of your mommy with a mummy.
[Giggling] Whoops! There goes Carlsbad Caverns.
Oh, I can't wait! In just 20 minutes we'll be in a three-hour line to see the Orb of Isis.
Ta-da! Notice anything new? Bart, what have I told you about throwing money away at that joke shop? - To try and cut back a little? - [Groans] Take those silly things off.
[Grunting] - It won't come off.
- [Grunting] [Groaning] Ow! Ow! Ow! - Bart, did you glue those on? - Oh, don't be ridiculous.
"In case of accidental ingestion, consult a mortician.
" Oh, my goodness! Mom, I didn't eat any of it.
I'm not stupid.
We've gotta get you to a doctor right away.
Ow! Ow! Ow, ow, ow! Wait! You promised to take me to the museum! I know, honey, but this is a very unusual situation.
At least, it would be for most families.
- What if I took a bus? - A bus? Alone? Absolutely not.
It's just too dangerous for an eight-year-old.
In a few years when you're old enough to drive, then you can take a bus.
But it's the last day of the Isis exhibit! Well, you should've thought of that before I glued all this stuff to my face.
Na! - [Snoring] - [Phone Ringing] [Muttering] Y'ello? - Dad? - Who is this? It's Lisa.
I just called to tell you how much I love you.
- And can I take the bus to the museum? - Museum? Mmm, I don't like the sound of that.
What did your mother say? Um, I wasrt 100% clear on that.
She said something, but she was kind of in a rush to get Bart to the emergency room.
So you wanna take the bus, huh? I don't know.
That's a pretty big decision.
Well, if it would put your mind at ease, I could take a limousine.
Although, that would cost $200.
$200? Oh! Isn't there any other way? Hmm.
I guess I could take the bus if you think that's a better idea.
Frankly, I do.
I know you had your heart set on a limo but sometimes daddies have to say no, honey.
I'm afraid you're gonna have to take the bus.
[Sighs] All right.
I love you- - Yes! Ah, the old number 22.
Clean, reliable public transportation.
The chariot of the people.
The ride of choice for the poor and very poor alike.
- Sure, some folks prefer- - Are you gettir on this next bus, kid? - Yes.
- [Whistles] Taxi! - V.
- [Gasps] Look! It's the bus! The bus! Come on! You're gonna miss the bus! [Chattering, Shouting] That's one small step- Whoa! Hi, Larry.
It's just that on the school bus- May I sit there? Of course not, honey.
That seat's for my coin purse.
May I have that seat? Yes, if you can answer me these questions three.
- Question the first- - Never mind.
[Driver On Speaker] Sycamore Avenue.
Crackton is the stop.
- [Siren Wailing] [Lisa] Crackton? That doesn't sound right.
[Driver] Industrial Access Road.
Airport Refueling Way.
Rural Route 9.
Army Rroving Ground.
Um, excuse me, sir? When does this bus get to the museum? - It doesn't.
But isn't this the 22? Yeah, Monday, Wednesday, Friday.
Tuesday, Thursday, it's the 22-A.
Then where the heck am I? Don't make me tap the sign.
But I'm lost and I need to know where- Last stop.
End of the line.
[Sighs] I should've got off in Crackton.
Okay, the museum's gotta be north of here.
- Now, which way is north? - [Birds Squawking] Aha! It's springtime, so the geese must be flying back north! Hey! See, Bart? There's another boy who played with glue.
Actually, it was a plumbing explosion.
- Ew! - That's the kind of faucet I want for your bathroom.
[Sighs] How could I confuse bus 22 with 22-A? Area 51? I found Area 51! No, ma'am.
This is Area 51 -A.
[Groans] Well, um, I'm kind of lost.
Can you tell me where I am? I'm sorry.
The location of this location is classified.
[Groans] Stupid bus! It can't even go to the stupid place it's supposed to stupid go! [Groans] I seen it first! Ooh! Girlie Sue's gonna have a elegant weddir feast.
[Forced Chuckle] Uh, listen, I'm kind of lost.
Do you think you could give me a lift downtown? Cletus, what are you beatir your gums about? Never you mind, Brandine.
You just go back to birthir that baby.
Yeah, I'll fetch ya a ride, little missy.
- Hop on in.
Mind the skunk.
- [Insects Buzzing] Them things can go off even after they's dead.
[Gags] [Baby Crying] Hmm.
Young man, there's nothing funny about novelties.
[Chuckles] I mean, they're humorous and all but, uh, this is certainly no laughing matter.
- [Chuckling] - [Groans] - Can you help him, Doctor? - Oh, my, yes.
Why, if I had $75 for every novelty I've removed- Oh, by the way, I'll need a check for $75.
Yes, I think a series of painful injections directly into Bart's spine should get the job done.
[Gasps] [Whimpering] - Hmm? - [Marge] What happened? You didn't do anything.
Oh, didn't I? [Chuckling] Nothing dissolves glue better than human sweat.
I knew Bart would panic and start perspiring at the sight of this button applicator.
Couldrt you have just turned up the heat a little? Oh, heavens, no! It had to be terror sweat.
- [Eating Loudly] - Oh, yeah.
This is good.
[Muttering, Indistinct] So, uh, ain't you guys gonna ask me about my hat? - Ah! - Ah! Hey, Carl, what's with the hat? Oh, what, this thing? I got it down at the museum.
It's what the ancient Egyptians call a souvenir.
My daughter's at that Egyptian dealie right now.
[Laughs] She wanted to take a limo.
But I made her take the bus.
- You sent your little girl downtown on a bus? - Alone? Maybe.
But you don't know Lisa.
I mean, she's so smart they hooked her up to a big computer to try to teach it some things.
But she had so much knowledge, it overloaded.
And then it got really hot and caught on fire! That never, uh, happened, did it, Homer? Uh, yes.
But now I have to leave on a totally unrelated matter.
Oh, Lisa! [Groans] I didn't know Springfield had a Russian district.
Can you tell me how to get to the museum? [Shouting In Foreign Language] [Screams] Hmm.
- [Gasps] - [Maniacal Laughter] - Khlav Khalash! - Oh! [Grunting] Hmm? - No, thanks.
- [Wailing] [Panting] Oh, that's it.
I give up.
[Line Ringing] [Homer's Voice] You have reached the office of Homer Simpson.
If you are calling about the water bed, please leave a detailed message.
If you need- - [Mr.
Burns's Voice] Get back to work! - [Gasps] - You buy it! You buy it! - [Yelling] Lisa! Lisa! Lisa! [Panting] Oh, where is she? [Horns Honking] Has anyone seen my little girl? Oh, for God's sakes, my little girl is- [Gasps] - Hello.
- Homer, what's going on? Shouldrt you be at work? - I am at work.
This is what I do.
- But- - Keep it moving, Marge! This isn't a parking lot! - I'm sorry.
Whew! [Screams] - Shouldrt you be at work right now? - Uh, yes, sir, Mr.
Well, then get back to wherever it is you work, whoever you are.
Excuse me, ma'am.
Have you seen this little girl? Uh, I'd love to help you, pal, but I'm on a stakeout here.
Yoink! Ha-ha! Oh- Oh, great! Somebody stop that awful, awful man! Oh.
Lisa! Lisa! D'oh! This is no good.
I've gotta get up higher.
Give me all your balloons.
I hope this works.
These are for you if you let me use your cherry picker.
Well, I've already got some balloons, but they're not this nice.
Deal! Excuse me, ma'am? Uh, hello? Somebody? Anybody? - Oh! - Lisa? Lisa? [Gasps] - Lisa! - Dad! Stay there! I'll come down and save you! What's wrong with this thing? [Gasping] [Yelling] Lisa! Save me! [Yelling] Hang on, Dad! D'oh! Ow! [Yelling] - Ow! - Look out! Oh, no.
I'm gonna go off the end of the- D'oh! [Shouting, Indistinct] I'm not normally a praying man, but if you're up there please save me, Superman.
[Horn Blowing] - Hurry! Hurry! Lower the bridge! - You're the boss.
Dad, grab onto it! [Whimpering] [Gasping] D'oh! Ow! Oh, Lisa, thank God you're okay.
D'oh! Ow! D'oh! Ow! - You said to crush him, right? - No! Are you sure you don't wanna go to a doctor? - I mean, a drawbridge did close on your head.
- Nah, I'll just walk it off.
I should have known I wasrt old enough to take the bus alone but I really wanted to see that exhibit.
I'll never take another stupid risk like that again.
[Tires Screeching] - Don't ever say that! - What? If I hadrt have taken a stupid risk with that cherry picker I never would've found you.
- I guess.
- Stupid risks are what make life won'th living.
Now, your mother, she's the steady type and that's fine in small doses.
But me, I'm a risk taker.
That's why I have so many adventures.
[Gasps] Dad, you're headed for the river again! - Dad! - [Chuckling] Feel your heart pumping a mile a minute? That's what my heart's doing all the time.
Bet your left arm's tingling too, huh? Dad, are you all right? I'm enjoying my life too much to care, and you should be too.
So what would you like to do right now more than anything in the world? See the Isis exhibit! But the museum's closed.
Closed, eh? So getting in would be a pretty big risk.
What do you say, honey? Feelir stupid? I know I am! Lisa, we're home! Sorry about the museum! [Groans] You'd better go up and apologize.
But my apologies always sound so forced.
Do it! Hey, Lise, I'm sorry I ruined your Egyptian thing.
We're still buds, right? Okay, be that way! Be a big, stupid jerk! Oh! You're not the jerk.
Forgive me? Oh, like you're Miss Perfect! Mom, Lisa's making me feel bad! - Stop it, Lisa! - That shut her up.
Okay, just a little higher.
[Both Grunting] Dad, I'm kind of scared.
You're gonna need that adrenaline to make the final jump.
[Grunting] Could you open the window? The cops have Daddy's prints on file.
Wow! It's magnificent! Now I know how Sir Dudley Winthrop felt when he first fell through the ceiling and discovered the Temple of Isis.
Have you ever seen such exquisite ushabtis? - Uh, not this exquisite.
- [Gasps] Oh, my gosh! It's the mysterious Orb of Isis.
Archaeologists have been studying it for decades and still have no clue what it means.
Well, Daddy will figure it out.
Oh! We can't touch it, Dad.
It's behind a velvet rope.
A velvet rope.
Lisa, you can't go this far and then not go further.
[Grunting, Whimpering] Dad! - [Gasping] - Uh-oh.
You broke it! [Chiming] It's a music box.
Dad, we uncovered the secret! Oh! So now it's "we," eh? It's so beautiful.
And just think, we are the first people to hear its song in more than 4,000 years.
Thanks for making me take such a stupid risk, Dad.
Just remember- Never be afraid to live life on the edge.
Now, let's get home before your mother kills us.
It's kind of humbling, isn't it? The music we just heard might never be heard again.
But it'll always live on because we'll never forget it.
[Whistling] - Dad, that's the Old Spice song.
- It is? Well, that's a good song too.
[Humming] [Both Humming] - [Stops] - [Alarm Blaring] - [Homer] Run! - [Dogs Barking] [Lisa Screaming] - [Murmuring] - Shh!