Here is a great collection of Simpsons Scripts . My grand momma loves to read these on the potty.
The Simpsons Episode Scripts
4F07 - Hurricane Neddy
"So your pressure is dropping.
" [Gasps] Dad, wake up! - [Muttering] What? - I think a hurricane is coming! Oh, Lisa! There's no record of a hurricane ever hitting Springfield.
Yes, but the records only go back to 1978 when the hall of records was mysteriously blown away.
[Whining] - What is it, boy? Fire? Earthquake? Hippies? - [Yipes] Hurricane! Somehow the animals are always the first to know.
And the weather service has warned us to brace ourselves for the onslaught of Hurricane Barbara.
And if you think naming a destructive storm after a woman is sexist you obviously have never seen the gals grabbing for items at a clearance sale.
[Groans] That's true, but he shouldn't say it.
We better pick up some supplies.
Stand behind the flaming garbage cans.
We'll be letting you into the store Let's just beat him up and take his stuff! No, no, no! Do not listen to that man.
You will all have a chance to be gouged.
- [Relieved Sighing] - Thank goodness! - [Crowd Yelling] - Whoa! [Chattering] Oh, there's so little left.
"Creamed Eels"? "Corn Nog'"? "Wadded Beef.
'" Mom, let's just grab what we can and get out ofhere.
This storm is making people crazy.
The last pineapple! And plenty ripe too! But I'm not fruit! I'm a kid! - That's what the pumpkin said.
- Hi, Lisa.
We're going to be in a pie! Sir, for your own safety, we do advise you to evacuate.
I ain't leaving! I was born in this nursing home and I'll die in this nursing home! - Is there any chance of you changing your mind? - Sure.
Well, need some help there? You know, maybe you folks should come over and hunker in our bunker.
Oh, it'll be fun.
We're gonna go through our old canceled checks and receipts and give ourselves an audit.
- Make sure we don't owe anything extra.
- I'm sure I'd be a third wheel.
Oh, no, siree.
We'd be happy as hens to have you- I would make it my business to be a third wheel.
Ooh! I better go take down the manger scene.
If babyJesus got loose, he could really do some damage.
Okay, it's the standard Grampa drill.
Everybody into the cellar.
- [Chorus Singing] - [Thunderclap] [Clock Chimes] - [People Yelling] - Awesome! So long, suckers! [Disappointed Sigh] [All Cheering] Why don't we do something to take our minds off the storm? Ooh, a Rubik's Cube! Let's all work it together.
Okay, start with diagonal colors.
[Homer] Use your main finger on the yellow side and your other finger on the orange side, and turn it.
- My main finger? - [All Talking At Once] - You gotta start backwards! - [Talking Continues] - Alternate corners.
- One at a time! Spin the middle side topwise.
Topwise! Now I remember why I put this down here in the first place! - [Electricity Buzzing] - [Thunderclap] [Harmonicas] [Harpsichords: Dissonant] - It's dying down.
- All clear, everyone! Dad, no! This may just be the eye of the hurricane.
Can't you see how eerily calm it is? See? I told you it was over.
I don't remember a bowling alley being there- [Screams] [Yelling] [All Yelling] Dear God, this is Marge Simpson.
If you stop this hurricane and save our family we will be forever grateful and recommend you to all our friends.
So, if you could find it in your infinite wisdom to- Wait! Listen, everybody.
- The hurricane's over.
- He fell for it! Way to go, Marge! Remarkable.
There doesn't seem to be any damage at all.
It just goes to show you that everything will work out if you have faith.
It's all gone.
Maude? Rod? Todd? I'm right here, Daddy.
Oh, Neddy, it was terrifying.
I thought I was headed for the eternal bliss of paradise.
Oh, my gosh! Look at Rod! I have a headache! [Grunting] Well, sir, everyone's alive.
Guess that's something to be thankful for.
Now, that kind of attitude's not gonna get your house back.
I'm sure your insurance will cover the house.
Oh, well, no.
Neddy doesn't believe in insurance.
- He considers it a form of gambling.
- You know, it's kind of funny.
The only thing that survived the storm were the family tombstones.
- They're all we have left.
- Well, call us if you need anything.
We got new clothes from the donation bin.
I'm a surfer! Look, Daddy.
Todd is stupid, and I'm with him.
And now Mommy's stupid! [Laughs] Looking good, Rod.
[Sighs] Neddy, I know this has been a terrible day but, by golly, first thing tomorrow we're going to open up the Leftorium and before you know it, we'll be back on our feet.
Down here at Springfield Mall, a storm-addled crowd - appears to have turned its rage on the Leftorium.
- [Chattering] Surprisingly, people are grabbing things with both hands suggesting it's not just southpaws in this rampaging mob.
Ohh! Start looking in the back.
Meantime, Springfield bowlers will be happy to hear that the Bowlarama is back in business at its new location teetering over the Carter Dixon Tunnel.
- [Pins Crashing] - [People Cheering] Reverend Lovejoy with all that's, uh, happened to us today, uh you know, l-I kind of feel likeJob.
Well, aren't you being a tad melodramatic, Ned? Also, I believe Job was right-handed.
But, Reverend, I need to know.
Is God punishing me? Ooh! Short answer- yes, with an "if.
" Long answer- no, with a "but.
" If you need additional solace, by the way I've got a copy of something or other by Art Linkletter in my office.
Even in my darkest hour, I can turn to the Good Book for- [Groans] Son of a gun-diddilly-un! Those gilded edges smart.
Why me, Lord? Where have I gone wrong? I've always been nice to people.
I don't drink or dance or swear.
I've even kept kosher just to be on the safe side.
I've done everything the Bible says! Even the stuff that contradicts the other stuff! What more could I do? [Stammering] I feel like I'm coming apart here.
I want to yell out, but I just can't dang-diddily-do-dang, do-dang-diddily-darn do it! l-l-l- [Sighs] Ned, Maude, you've got to go back to your house! Something incredible has happened! Oh, what happened now? Did the rubble burn down? No! Come on! [All] Yea! [Gasps] Oh, they rebuilt our house! Oh, it's a miracle! I started making some calls last night, and before I knew it practically all of Springfield was offering to help.
- Happy to help.
- Fabulous experience.
- Sure! Hope you like it, neighbor.
We didn't have the best tools or all the know-how but we did have a wheelbarrow full of love.
And a cement mixer full of hope and some cement.
Oh, it's wonderful! l-l- I don't know how I can possibly repay you.
But if any of you ever need a favor, just look for the happiest man in Springfield! No, no, not me, friends.
He's talking about himself.
But thanks for looking! Mmm.
[All Cheering] The living room and dining rooms with a lovely flow for entertaining.
And- Oh! Looks like a loose nail.
Eh, one out of 25 ain't bad.
Your beautiful kitchen, Ned, just as you remember it.
Was that, uh-Was that toilet always next to the refrigerator? [Laughs] Ned, you ever try lugging a toilet up a flight of stairs? Lisa and I built your room.
But I don't like this clown.
Uh, I wouldn't take it down if I were you.
It's a load-bearing poster.
[Electricity Buzzing] Now, this is a room with electricity but it has too much electricity.
So I don't know.
You might want to wear a hat.
- [Scraping Sound] Floor feels a little gritty here.
We ran out of floorboards there, so we painted the dirt.
Pretty clever! Oh, something is definitely wrong with this hallway.
Come on in! It's your master bedroom! - Ow! My nose! - Well, I've seen about enough.
So, Flanders, what do you think of the house that love built? - Aw, shoot! - [Sighs] [Sighs, Blows] - [Glass Shatters] - Ohhh! Now, calm down, Neddilly-diddilly-diddilly-diddilly-diddilly.
They did their best.
Gotta be nice.
Hostility-diddilly-diddilly-diddilly- Aw, hell! Diddily-ding-dong crap! Can't you morons do anything right? [All Gasping] - Hey! - Ned, we meant well.
And everyone here tried their best.
Well, my family and I can't live in good intentions, Marge! Oh, your family's out of control, but we can't blame you because you have good intentions! - Hey, back off, man! - Oh, okay, dude! I wouldn't want you to have a cow, man! Here's a catchphrase you better learn for your adult years: "Hey, buddy, got a quarter?" [All Gasping, Chattering] - I am shocked and appalled.
Flanders, with all due respect - Bart didn't do anything.
- [Gasps] Do I hear the sound of butting in? It's gotta be little Lisa Simpson - Springfield's answer to a question no one asked! - [Laughing] What do we have here? The long flabby arm of the law? The last case you got to the bottom of was a case of Mallomars! Mallomars.
Oh, that's going in the act.
Oh, yeah, the clown.
The only one of you buffoons who doesn't make me laugh.
And as for you, I don't know you, but I'm sure you're a jerk! Hey, I've only been here a few minutes.
What's going on? You ugly, hate-filled man! Hey- Hey, I may be ugly and hate-filled, but I've, um- What was the third thing you said? Homer, you are the worst human being I have ever met.
- Hey, I got off pretty easy.
- [Murmuring] Neddy, uh, wait.
Where you goin'? [Car Radio On] - [Man Singing On Radio] - [Humming Along] - [Continues In Hawaiian] - [Gibberish] I just attacked all my friends and neighbors just for trying to help me.
- I'd like to commit myself.
- Very well.
Shall I show you to your room, or would you prefer to be dragged off kicking and screaming? Ooh, kicking and screaming, please.
As you wish.
Noooooo! Flanders? Ned Flanders? - I'd better call Dr.
- [Ringing] Yes.
Ned Flanders? You're sure? No, no, no.
I'll come right over.
And may God have mercy on us all.
Darling, there's an emergency at the hospital.
- Where are my shoes? - Oh, I think they're in the den.
In the den? May God have mercy on us all.
- Well, how are you feeling this evening? - Uh- Actually, I'm a little chilly.
Can I have another straitjacket? Of course.
- Thank you.
Dr Foster? - Hmm.
At least your memory's not crazy.
Now, Ned, you may remember we spent some time together 30 years ago.
Do you recall what you were like back then? - Oh, sure.
I was a good little boy.
- Were you? - Whee, I'm Dick Tracy! Bam! - [Yelling] Take that, Prune Face! Now I'm Prune Face! - Take that, Dick Tracy! Now I'm Prune Tracy! - [Groaning] - Take that, Dick- - Ned, stop it at once! - Stop it! - [Yelling] I can't believe I was such a terror.
Well, neither could your parents.
That's why they brought you to me.
Well, I'm afraid young Ned is unusually aggressive - but I can't seem to find a cause for it.
- [Clattering] Hey! Hey! Get down from that bookshelf, please! Most of those books haven't been discredited yet.
- Would you please tell your son to stop? - We can't do it, man! That's discipline.
That's like telling Gene Krupa not to go- [Imitating Drums] - [Drums Continues, Imitates Cymbals] - Hmm.
Lack of discipline.
I'm beginning to see the problem.
We don't believe in rules.
Like, we gave them up when we started living like freaky beatniks.
You don't believe in rules, yet you want to control Ned's anger.
You've gotta help us, Doc.
We've tried nothing, and we're all out of ideas.
There is an experimental therapy that might help Ned contain his anger.
Foster] It was known as the University of Minnesota Spankelogical Protocol.
And that's just about eight months, mmm, now.
Well, Ned, how do you feel? I feel fine.
You don't feel angry? Absotively not-arino! How do you feel about me? Pretty darn diddilly-doodilly good! The only problem with the treatment was that it worked too well.
You became unable to express any anger at all.
From that point on, any time you felt angry you could only respond with a string of nonsensical jabbering.
- Well, I'll be darn-diddilly-arned! - Yeah, that's the stuff.
You suppressed your rage for so long it finally erupted as a massive public explosion.
- It sure did-diddilly-id.
- All right, all right.
Just watch it there.
I'm here to help, you know.
Now, I'd like to try something.
Is there any person who makes you particularly angry? - [Ringing] - Y'ello.
Yes! Mental hospital? I don't know any Ned Flanders.
The man who lived next door until his house blew down? Oh, him! Mr Simpson? Dr.
Please come with me.
You folks are free to roam the grounds.
Just remember, one of our patients is a cannibal.
Try to guess which one.
I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.
- [Muttering] - [Man] Everyone outside of this room is against me! - I can hear you walking by- - It stinks! It stinks! It stinks! Yes, Mr.
- We want to teach Ned to release his anger in healthy doses.
- [Chewing Loudly] We need someone so irritating that Ned simply will not be able to repress his rage.
Homer, can you be that annoying? l-What? Get in the booth.
"Ned Flanders, I mock your value system.
You also appear foolish in the eyes of others.
" [Laughs] Well, howdy, Homer.
Ooh, thanks for dropping by.
Mmm, he's not responding.
Proceed to level two- antagonism.
"Past instances in which I professed to like you were fraudulent.
" Oh, well, I'll just have to try harder.
Ooh! Thanks for dropping by.
Aw, he's still repressing.
Maximum hostility factor.
"I engaged in intercourse with your spouse or significant other.
" Now, that's psychiatry! Huh? Huh? [Laughs] Very funny, wise guy.
Aw, that's it.
You just can't insult this guy.
You call him a moron, and he just sits there grinning moronally.
- Hi, neighbor.
- You know what your problem is, Flanders? - You're afraid to be human.
- Oh, now, why would I be afraid of that? Because humans are obnoxious sometimes, humans hate things.
Well, maybe a few of them do back east.
I can't find what Homer's saying.
Did you write that? Um, did you like it? Come on, Flanders.
There's got to be something you hate.
- What about mosquito bites? - Mm-mmm.
Sure are fun to scratch.
- Mmm, satisfying.
- What about, uh, fluorescent lights? Ooh, they hum like angels.
You're never lonely if you got a fluorescent light.
See? You like everything! N-No, that's not true.
l-l-l- I don't like the service at the post office.
You know, it's all rush, rush, get you in, get you out.
Then they've got those machines in the lobby.
No help there.
You might even say I hate the post office.
That and my parents.
Hey, that felt good.
He just said he hates his parents.
- Do you know what that means? - Um, what do you think? - It means he's cured.
- That's what I said.
- [Woman] There he is! - [People Cheering] Thanks, everyone.
I'm all better now.
No more storing up the anger until I explode.
If any of you does something I don't like, you are gonna hear about it! - All right! - [All Cheering] Yes, that's very healthy, Ned.
And if you really tick me off, I'm gonna run you down with my car.
- Yeah, uh- Um- - Oh! Oh! [Laughs] Ned, you're so crazy.
- [Murmuring] - Shh!