Here is a great collection of Simpsons Scripts . My grand momma loves to read these on the potty.
The Simpsons Episode Scripts
3F07 - Marge Be Not Proud
! Brought to you by I LG- selling your body's chemicals after you die.
And by Li'I Sweetheart Cupcakes, a subsidiary of I LG.
Oh, hi! I didn't hear you come in.
Welcome to my home.
And- Ho-ho! Say, did I hear some carolers? Hey! It's respected private citizen, Tom Landry! And South American sensation Shooshisha- Shooshashi- Shoosh- Oh, boy! Uhh! Now, stay tuned for a video Christmas card from Tupac Shakur.
Hey, I thought Krusty was Jewish.
Christmas is a time when people of all religions come together to worshipJesus Christ.
Boring! Help! You want excitement? Shove this up your stocking! Ooh-hoo-whoa! - Hmm, that looks entertaining.
- Oh, yeah! So tell your folks, "Buy me Bonestorm or go to hell!" Buy me Bonestorm or go to hell! - Bart! - Young man, in this house we use a little word called "please.
" - It's the coolest video game ever.
- I'm sorry, honey but those games cost up to, and including, $70.
And they're violent, and they distract you from your schoolwork.
Those are all good points, but the problem is they don't result in me getting the game.
I know how you feel, Bart.
When I was your age I wanted an electric football game more than anything in the world.
And my parents bought it for me, and it was the happiest day of my life.
Well, good night.
Oh, I'll never get that game.
Tuck-in time! All aboard the sleepy train to visit Mother Goose Barty's stop is Snoozy Lane to rest his sweet caboose Mom, I'm not a little kid anymore.
Tuck-in time is lame.
Well, if loving my kids is lame, then I guess I'm just a big lame.
Mom, it's lame to be proud of being lame.
- Well, life is like a box of chocolates.
- Mom, no! Mom! You never know- what you're gonna get.
what you're gonna get.
Ninety-nine cents? I want to buy a copy of Bonestorm.
Here's 99 cents.
Allow me to summarize the proposed transaction.
You wish to purchase Bonestorm for 99 cents.
Net profit to me, negative $59.
Oh, oh, please take my $59.
I don't want it.
Eh, eh, eh! Seeing as we are unfamiliar with sarcasm I shall close the register at this point and state that 99 cents is the rental price.
Oh, then may I please rent it, please? You may not.
I am all out.
Though I do have a surprising abundance of Lee Carvallo's Putting Challenge.
Ohh! Milhouse has Bonestorm! This is great! And all I've done is enter my name-Thrillhouse! Say, cool dude, can I play too? Uh- Uh, it's only a one-player game.
- Then how come it says "second player score"? - Mom! Bart's swearing! - Hey! What the hell- - No, no, no! Out! - Damn it, I wasn't swearing! - Out right now! Out! Hmm.
Maybe if I stand next to the games looking sad someone will feel sorry for me and buy me one.
Gavin, don't you already have this game? No, Mom, you idiot! - I have Bloodstorm and Bonesquad and Bloodstorm II, stupid! - Oh, I'm sorry, honey.
- We'll take a Bonestorm.
- Get two! I'm not sharing with Caitlin.
That must be the happiest kid in the world.
! Hey, Simpson.
Check this out.
Look what I got! It's the kind I like.
Are you guys shoplifting? Four-finger discount, dude.
Shoplifting is a victimless crime like punching someone in the dark! Yeah! Go ahead-a, Bart.
Take-a the Bonestorm.
The store, she's so rich she'll-a never notice.
Duh, it's the company's fault for making you want it so much.
Don't do it, son.
How's that game gonna help your putting? Just take it! Take it, take it, take it, take it, take it! Take it! I'm outside.
I got away with it.
I'm free! Sir, would you open your coat, please? Uhh, I don't think this is the kind of coat that opens.
Please step back in the store, sir.
Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk.
That boy's parents must've made some terrible mistakes.
Shut up, Mom! Ho-ho-ho! Here you go, little fella.
- No, no.
None for him.
- Oh, I see.
Hi, I'm Troy McClure.
You might remember me from such public service videos as Designated Drivers: The Lifesaving Nerds and Phony Tornado Alarms Reduce Readiness.
I'm here today to give you the skinny on shoplifting, thereby completing my plea bargain with the good people at Foot Locker of Beverly Hills.
Shoplifting began here in ancient Phoenicia.
Thieves would literally lift the corner of a shop in order to snatch the sweet, sweet olives within.
Oh, Sheheqazaramesh, will you ever learn? - Flash forward to ancient Babylonia.
- All right, show's over.
- Uh, excuse me- - You think you're pretty smart, don't you? - No.
- Don't smart off to me, smart guy.
I-I-I could pay for the game.
I-I'll pay for it! You know, that kind of mush might fly at Lamps Plus, but don't peddle it here.
If I wanted smoke blown up my ass I'd be at home with a pack of cigarettes and a short length of hose.
That's it, Mr.
I'm calling your parents.
Simpson? This is Detective Don Brodka from Try-N-Save security.
That's right, Don Brodka.
Your son, Bart, has been caught shoplifting.
Yeah, it's a shame, I know but, well, try and have a merry Christmas.
They weren't home.
But I left a message on their answering machine.
I've really, really, really learned my lesson.
- Can I please go now? - Yeah, get out of my sight.
One more thing: If you ever set foot in this store again you'll be spending Christmas in juvenile hall, capisce? - Well, do you understand? - Everything except "capeesh.
" Lousy, stinking piece of crap.
Gotta change that answering machine tape! Oh, God, I gotta change that tape! Gotta change Maggie! Dear God, we gotta change Maggie! - Hmm.
We didn't have a message when we left.
How very odd.
Hello, Faddah Here I am at Camp Granada Marge, is Lisa at Camp Granada? Now to put this tape where no one will ever listen to it.
Homer, didn't you get any milk? All I see is eggnog.
'Tis the season, Marge! We only get 30 sweet, noggy days.
Then the government takes it away again.
I think I'm having chest pains.
Bart, get your suit on.
- What for? - We're getting our Christmas picture taken.
Ah, you lucked out, Marge, my man, 'cause I'm in a smilin' mood today.
Well, good! So get ready, and before you know it we'll be at the Try-N-Save.
Try-N-Save? Ah, my teapots are ready.
If you ever set foot in this store again, you'll be spending Christmas in juvenile hall- juvenile hall-juvenile hall.
Stand behind the yellow line.
! You will now receive your Christmas presents donated by the Port Authority Lost and Found Office.
Pass your chit to Santa to receive your gift.
If you do not have a chit, you will not receive a gift.
Wow! The March 8 newspaper! Cool! A book of carpet samples! Come on, new bike! Ohh.
A soiled wig.
Merry Christmas and a happy New Year.
Bart, what's taking so long? If you're having that problem with your zipper, I can send your father up.
Oh, no, I'm not.
What's the matter with your face? Is that a fake nose? Are you wearing chin putty? I don't have to listen to these wild allegations! Please, Bart, no more pranks.
It would mean so much to me if we could have just one nice family photo.
Hey! I don't remember saying that.
Almost forgot to lock the doors.
I hope you're going to the Valley Vista Try-N-Save, kid 'cause you don't want to come to my store.
Catfish? So, we're just gonna do this photo and get out, right? Bada bing, bada boom.
I want to look at the pets, and write things on the typewriters - and see if the new dictionaries are in.
I want to price some flip-flops, and smell the new tires and consult the pharmacist for some free medical advice! Sure! We're gonna have a great day! Bada bing, bada boom! Right, Bart? Bart? What's wrong, honey? Uh-oh! Somebody's got tired little legs.
- Hm! - Uhh! Hmm.
I wonder where the flip-flops are? Menswear? Maybe it's Sporting Goods.
Wait, no, Sleepwear.
Oh, probably Better Living.
Look at that watch.
I've always wanted a watch like that.
- Well, maybe someone will give you one for Christmas.
Now she'll really be surprised when she opens that ironing board cover.
Must've been a pretty slow century.
The store detective! - Hey, Ansel Adams, let's go! Take the photo! - Oh, wait, wait! I don't want Maggie's face hidden behind that pacifier.
Don't worry, Mama.
I can put a smile on baby's face.
Okay, sugar plum.
It's time to meet Mr.
Hello, I'll- Oh, it's just air.
Oh, come on! Hurry up! Okay, people.
One, two, three.
I thought I told you: - no returns for busted merchandise.
- What are you doing to my son? I'm afraid your son broke the 11 th Commandment: Thou shalt not steal.
That's crazy! Bart's not a shoplifter.
He's just a little boy.
Now he's just a little boy stealing little toys.
But someday he'll be a grown man stealing stadiums and- and quarries.
My son may not be perfect, but I know in my heart he's not a shoplifter.
Fine, play the tape.
Then everyone can see you've got the wrong boy.
Wait! Mom, I don't want you to see this.
I did it.
Bart, I wouldn't have expected this even from you.
My son's a thief.
Stealing! How could you? Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain What's-his-name? We live in a society of laws! Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn't hear anybody laughing! Did you? Except at that guy who made sound effects.
Honk, honk! Where was I? Oh, yeah.
Stay out of my booze! Mom, I'm really sorry.
- I know you are.
- Is there anything I can do? I don't know.
- Why don't you go to bed? - Okay.
Man, I thought Mom was gonna scream me stupid.
She didn't even raise her voice.
I admit I haven't known Mom as long as you have, but I know when she's really upset.
Her heart won't just wipe clean like this bathroom countertop.
It absorbs everything that touches it like this bathroom rug.
Really? You think this might be - one of those forever-type things? - I don't know.
Lisa's on the sleepy train to rest her weary head Her ticket is a candy cane made out of gingerbread - Good night, Mom.
- Good night, sweetheart.
The Tuck-in Express is right on time.
I've figured out the boy's punishment.
First, he's grounded.
No leaving the house, not even for school.
Second, no eggnog.
In fact, no nog period.
And third, absolutely no stealing for three months.
I always thought I understood my special little guy.
But somewhere along the road, his hand slipped away from mine.
Eh, what are you gonna do? He's not my little baby anymore.
Maybe I mother him too much.
Hey, Mom, you didn't wake me up.
Here's your hot chocolate.
You didn't put my marshmallow in.
I think you're old enough to do it yourself now.
I can handle that.
Hey, give me a slice! Milhouse, do you ever worry that your mom might stop loving you? What? I'm more worried about piranhas.
Did you see that movie where they sent a nuclear submarine to fight the piranhas and one of them swims right down the periscope and bites the guy in the eye and he goes, "Aah! Aah! Aah!" and that old lady told him it would happen? Yeah, that was pretty good.
Hey, how come you're not playing Bonestorm? Ahh, it got boring.
I'm really into this cup and ball now.
Whoa! Wow! - Man, you never know which way this crazy ball's gonna go! - Yeah, right.
You're just trying to trick me, 'cause you don't want me playing with your video game.
Here, go ahead.
Let me try the cup and ball.
- Get your own! - Come on! Don't be a cup-and-ball hog! - Hey, give it! That's mine! - Give me the cup and ball, you cup-and-ball hog! - Give it, give it! - Come on, you little oink-oink! - Mom! Bart's smoking! - All right! Out, out, out! Go, go, go! - But Milhouse-What are you- - Okay, okay, okay.
I won't bug Milhouse.
- Out! But, well, Mrs.
Van Houten, this is gonna sound kinda dumb but can I hang out with you while you do mom stuff? - Who are Dan and Sherry Adler? - Just friends of ours.
And who is Warren Burke? He used to tune our piano before we got rid of it.
He grew up in Mechanicsburg.
- Oh, really? - Hmm.
Tell me I'm good.
Oh, hey, that's Mom! She's happy again! You guys made a snowman family? Check it out, boy.
It's like looking into a living snow mirror.
- Why didn't you wait for me? - I didn't think you'd mind.
I figured you were getting a little too old for this.
But you can still make one.
There's some snow left under the car.
Look what I swiped from Try-N-Save.
- It's a replacement tire for a wheelbarrow.
- Huh? I knew you'd like it.
Everybody thinks I'm the black sheep.
Well, I'll show 'em what a black sheep can do! Mom, this fake snow is making me dizzy.
We're almost finished.
There's just a little bit of green left.
There you are.
You can help me spray the cookies.
- Are you hiding something? What do you have under your jacket? - Nothing! Oh, Bart, not again! Give it to me.
I told you.
I don't have anything.
You can't hide from me in this house, Bart.
I spend 23 hours a day here! Get him, Ma.
There's no place left to run, Bart.
Hand it over.
I can't believe you did this.
I wanted to surprise you for Christmas.
Oh, sweetie, this is the best present a mother could get.
I love you so much! My little, bitty Barty! Mom! Since I got my present early, I think you should get yours early too.
Bart get a present early? Then I should get a present early.
I want a present! - Lisa, you have to wait.
This is the worst Christmas ever.
Now, I know you love video games, and I asked the clerk - "Which is the one every boy wants?" - You got me- Oh-h-h! Oh, yeah! Thanks, Mom.
Welcome to Lee Carvallo's Putting Challenge.
I am Carvallo.
Now choose a club.
You have chosen a three-wood.
May I suggest a putter? Three-wood.
Now, enter the force of your swing.
I suggest "feather touch.
" You have entered "power drive.
" Now, push 7-8-7 to swing.
Ball is in parking lot.
Would you like to play again? You have selected "no.