Here is a great collection of Simpsons Scripts . My grand momma loves to read these on the potty.
The Simpsons Episode Scripts
2F03 - Treehouse of Horror V
As usual, I must warn you all that this year's Halloween show is very scary and those of you with young children may want to send them off to bed and Oh, my.
It seems the show is so scary, Congress won't even let us show it.
Instead they've suggested the 1947 classic Glenn Ford movie Two Hundred Miles to Oregon.
BART: There's nothing wrong with your television set.
Do not attempt to adjust your picture.
We are controlling the transmission.
HOMER: What's that, boy? We're in control? Hey, look! I can see my voice! [LAUGHING] [BABBLING] [SINGING] This is my voice on TV BART: Dad, you're ruining the mood! HOMER: Sorry.
BART: For the next half- hour, we will control what you see and hear.
You are about to experience the terror and foul horror of The Simpsons Halloween Special.
[THUNDER CRASHING] [ALL MOANING] Well, it was a long trip, but we're almost there.
Homer, did you remember to lock the front door of the house? D'oh! Well, it's been two long trips, but we're finally almost there again.
When you locked the front door, did you lock the back door? D'oh! D'oh! [LISA GASPS] Oh, no! We left Grampa back at the gas station! What about Grampa? - Hello! - Hi! - We're here! - Oh, goody.
The sea monkeys I ordered have arrived.
Look at them cavort and caper.
Sir, they're the new winter caretakers for the lodge.
Yes, they work hard and they play hard.
This house has quite a long and colorful history.
It was built on an ancient Indian burial ground and was the setting of Satanic rituals, witch burnings and five John Denver Christmas specials.
Oh! John Denver.
[ELEVATOR BELL RINGS] That's odd.
Usually the blood gets off at the second floor.
[CHAINSAW BUZZING] Hey, I found a shortcut through your hedge maze.
Why, you little WILLIE: No, no.
Go easy on the wee one.
His father's gonna go crazy and chop them all into haggis.
What's haggis? Boy, you read my thoughts! You've got the shinning.
- You mean shining.
- Shh! You want to get sued? Now, look, boy, if your da goes gaga you just use that shin of yours to call me and I'll come a-running.
But don't be reading my mind between 4 and 5.
That's Willie's time! Yes, by cutting off cable TV and the beer supply I can ensure an honest winter's work out of those lowlifes.
Sir, did you ever stop to think that maybe it was doing this that caused the previous caretakers to go insane and murder their families? Perhaps.
Tell you what, we come back and everyone's slaughtered I owe you a Coke.
[STATIC OVER TV] Hmm.
Think I'll have a beer.
Not a drop in the house.
What do you know.
Homer, I'm impressed.
You're taking this quite well.
I'll kill you! I'll kill all of you! - Homer! - Sorry.
There's plenty I can do to keep myself occupied.
Maybe I'll check out that ax collection.
See you later.
Mom, is Dad gonna kill us? We're just gonna have to wait and see.
- So, what'll it be, Homer? - Moe, give me a beer! No.
Not unless you kill your family.
Why should I kill my family? Uh, they'd be much happier as ghosts.
- You don't look so happy.
- Oh, I'm happy.
I'm very happy.
La, la, la, la, la.
See? Now waste your family, I'll give you a beer.
Homer? Homie? What he's typed will be a window into his madness.
" Wow, that's a relief.
[THUNDER CRASHING] - This is less encouraging.
- Get out! [SCREAMING] Well, what do you think, Marge? All I need is a title.
I was thinking along the lines of No TV and No Beer Make Homer something, something.
Go Crazy? Don't mind if I do! [SCREAMING AND BABBLING] Stay away from me, Homer! Give me the bat, Marge! Give me the bat! Give me the bat! Come on.
Give me the bat.
Give me the bat [BABBLING] Scaredy cat.
[SCREAMS] [GRUNTING] You stay here till you're no longer insane.
Chili would be good tonight.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR] MOE: Homer, it's Moe.
Look, some of the ghouls and I are a little concerned the project isn't moving forward.
- Can't murder now.
MOE: For crying out loud.
- No! Here's Johnny! D'oh! David Letterman! - Hi, David.
- D'oh! I'm Mike Wallace.
I'm Morley Safer.
And I'm Ed Bradley.
[CLOCK TICKING] All this and Andy Rooney tonight on 60 Minutes! [SCREAMING] Hello, police, this is Marge Simpson.
MARGE [OVER RADIO]: My husband is on a murderous rampage.
Well, thank God that's over.
I was worried there for a second.
- No answer.
- Don't worry, Mom.
I can use my shinning to call Willie.
And that was the first time she'd ever flown a plane.
The little fat boy and his family are in trouble.
I'm coming to rescue the lot of you! All right, loony, show me what you got.
Is that the best you can do? Oh, my.
I hope that rug was Scotchgarded.
Must kill family.
[GASPING] - had been given rifles, but no ammunition.
- Fortunately, there was a hardware store.
LISA: Dad, look! Television! Teacher! Mother! Secret lover.
Urge to kill fading.
[SIGHING] Come, family.
Sit in the snow with Daddy and let us all bask in television's warm, glowing, warming glow.
MAN [ON TV]: Live from Broadway, it's The Tony Awards.
With your hosts, Tyne Daly and Hal Linden.
- Homer, change channel.
[ALL SCREAMING] [PEOPLE SINGING ON TV] Urge to kill rising.
You know, Marge, I've had my share of troubles.
But sitting here now with you and the kids in our cozy home in this beautiful, free country it just makes me feel that I'm really a lucky guy.
Dad, your hand is jammed in the toaster! - What? BART: Dad! [SCREAMING] [ELECTRICITY CRACKLING] Get it off! Get it off! Get it off of me! [SIGHING] Dad, it's in there again! [SCREAMING] No! It's stuck on my hand.
This shouldn't be too hard to fix, with the right tools.
Better than new.
[BEEPING] Now, to take her for a test toast.
What the? [SCREAMING] [CLOCKS TICKING] Look at that.
I'm the first non-Brazilian person to travel backwards through time.
You're the second.
- That's right, Mr.
- Quiet, you.
[GASPS] HOMER: I've gone back to the time when dinosaurs weren't just confined to zoos.
[DINOSAUR SQUAWKING] Okay, don't panic.
Remember the advice your father gave you on your wedding day.
If you ever travel back in time, don't step on anything.
Because even the tiniest change can alter the future in ways you can't imagine.
As long as I stand perfectly still and don't touch anything I won't destroy the future.
[BUZZING] Stupid bug! You go squish now! [GASPS] That was just one little insignificant mosquito.
That can't change the future, right? Right? [GRUMBLES UNCERTAINLY] Phew.
Aw, my loving family.
[BEEPING] Hidilly- ho, slave- a- reenos.
Hey, what the hell is that geek Flanders doing on TV? [ALARM WAILING] I see by the big board we got a Negative Nelly in sector two.
I'm gonna have to ask the whole family to kind of freeze and prepare for re- Neducation.
Don't you remember? Flanders is the unquestioned lord and master of the world.
- D'oh! [RUMBLING] Okay, everybody.
Let's see some big smiles.
Let the hooks do their work.
What the hell are you smiling at? Oh.
Now, in case all that smiling didn 't cheer you up there's one thing that never fails: A nice glass of warm milk, a little nap, and a total frontal lobotomy.
It's not so bad, Homer.
They go in through your nose and they let you keep the piece of brain they cut out.
Who's that big man there? Who's that? - Join us, Father.
- Join us, Father.
No! [ALARM WAILING] [DOGS GROWLING] Oh, no.
They're gaining on me.
Wait! I have an idea! These wieners will give me the quick energy I need to escape! I gotta go back, fix future.
This time I'm not gonna touch a thing.
[ROARING] [SCREAMING] Mustn't crush.
I wish, I wish I hadn 't killed that fish Hey, where is everybody? Hey, there's a bug that looks like Dad.
- Let's kill it.
[SCREAMS] [PANTING] [ROARING] [SNEEZES] [SNEEZES] This is gonna cost me.
D'oh! I mean, hey.
Good morning, Father, dear.
Hope you're well.
Are we taking the Lexus to Aunt Patty and Selma's funeral today? Fabulous house, well-behaved kids, sisters-in-law dead, luxury sedan Whoo-hoo! I hit the jackpot! Marge, dear, would you kindly pass me a doughnut? Doughnut? What's a doughnut? [SCREAMING] [ELECTRICITY CRACKLING] It's raining again.
You're still not in your own world, Homer.
I can get you home, but you have to do exactly as l [SCREAMS] [IN DEEP VOICE] This is indeed a disturbing universe.
Don't touch anything? I'll touch whatever I feel like! [SHOUTING] Foolish earthling, totally unprepared for the effects of time travel.
[LAUGHING] - What happened to us, Kodos? - Quiet, you.
[PANTING] - Good morning.
- What's my name? What color is the sky? What of doughnuts? What? For the love of God, tell me! Homer, the sky is blue, doughnuts are plentiful, Friday is TGIF night on ABC.
- What's gotten into you? - Nothing.
Nothing at all.
Let's just eat.
Eh, close enough.
[KIDS SHOUTING] [WHISTLES] Hey, everybody! Let's all turn our desks backwards before Mrs.
Krabappel shows up.
- Yeah! - Great idea! [LAUGHING] All right, backwards boy, back your butt down to detention.
Over here, Simpson.
The detention room is overcrowded, so you'll be serving in the cafeteria.
Oxygen running out.
You should've thought of that before you made that paper airplane.
This overcrowding in detention is becoming critical.
It's a powder keg waiting to go off in an explosion of bad behavior.
Don't bitch to me, boss man.
Thanks to the latest budget cuts, I'm down to using Grade F meat.
It would be wonderful if there was a common solution to both our problems.
- That would be great.
- Hey, Bart.
Oh, no! My favorite outfit! Jimbo, this is by far the worst Mmm.
Jimbo, why don't you assist Lunchlady Doris in the kitchen? - Bite me, Skinner.
- Well, might we.
JIMBO: It's hard for me to clean this giant pot when you keep spilling meat tenderizer all over me.
Oh, great! Now I gotta work in the dark.
This sandwich tastes so young and impudent.
Seymour, what's with the good grub? Well, perhaps I ought to let you folks in on a secret.
You remember me telling Jimbo Jones that I'd make something of him one day? Are you saying you killed Jimbo processed his carcass, and served him for lunch? [LAUGHS] Hmm.
I wonder where Jimbo is today.
He should've beaten us up for our lunch money an hour ago.
Frau Lunchlady, please to have another Sloppy Jimbo? [SPEAKS GERMAN] That's your third helping, young man.
It's making you fat and soft and tender.
You just cut in line, didn't you? - Report to detention, Uter.
- For how long? About seven minutes a pound should do it.
Okay, I got your German grub right here.
Bart, does it strike you as odd that Uter disappeared and suddenly they're serving us this mysterious food called "Uterbraten"? Oh, relax, kids.
I've got a gut feeling Uter's around here somewhere.
[CHUCKLING] After all, isn't there a little Uter in all of us? In fact, you might even say we just ate Uter and he's in our stomachs right now! Wait, scratch that one.
Mom! Mom! You've gotta help! They're cooking kids in the school cafeteria! Listen, kids, you're 8 and 10 years old now.
- I can't fight all your battles for you.
- But, Mom! No buts.
You march right back to that school Iook them straight in the eye and say, "Don't eat me.
" - Okay.
Since so many students have been put on permanent detention [HICCUPING] we've merged everyone into a single class.
I trust there are no objections? Detention.
[WHISPERING] Hey, you guys, I was just thinking that any one of us could be next.
So, what do you say we make a break for it? [GASPS] Easy there, young man.
You'll only make yourself tired and stringy.
Now to check on the free-range children.
Hold on, kids! I'm coming to rescue the lot of you! I'll Ow! I'm bad at this.
I'm going to enjoy devouring you, Bart Simpson.
Yes, I believe I'll start as you've so often suggested by eating your shorts.
Don't worry, guys.
Something always comes along to save us.
Nevertheless, I remain confident that something will come along and save the two Simpson children.
[SCREAMING] Relax, honey.
You were just having a crazy nightmare.
You're back with your family now, where there's nothing to be afraid of except that fog that turns people inside out.
- Huh? - Uh-oh.
It's seeping in.
Stupid, cheap weather stripping! [SCREAMING] ALL [SINGING]: One chorus line of people Dancing till they make us stop Two! Many dancing people Covered with blood, gore and glop Just one sniff of that fog And you're inside out It's worse than that flesh- eating virus You've read about Vital organs They are what we're dressed in The family dog is eyeing Bart's intestine Happy Halloween [DOG GROWLING]