Here is a great collection of Simpsons Scripts . My grand momma loves to read these on the potty.
The Simpsons Episode Scripts
2F19 - The PTA Disbands
Well, at least it's safer than the old bus.
Time to move.
The hole's getting bigger.
Seymour, the children are playing in the hole again.
Shouldn't you get that fixed? Edna, you know they just cut the school's budget.
If I had the money, I'd fix the exhaust leak.
I think it's causing some of our low test scores.
The battlefield is just a half-mile ahead.
Begin braking procedure! This Civil War cannon has been fully restored and is in ready-to-fire condition.
But it's a good thing we're not firing it because it happens to be aimed at the main support leg of that lookout tower.
People don't realize that these cannons are very sensitive and the slightest jolt could set them off.
Of course, for safety reasons we don't keep the cannon loaded.
It's just common sense.
Otto, why don't you get some more gas.
Here's the credit card.
And a mint for afterwards.
Five dollars a child? Last year it was free! New ownership.
But we don't have that kind of money.
In fact, no school could afford Here's the admission, plus something for you.
See that they get a little extra education.
Yes, sir, Principal Valiant! He thinks he's so hot ever since he swept the Princi Awards.
Those things are rigged.
On May 21, 1864, the men of the 9th Bearded Infantry were sunning and fluffing their beards in the sun.
Suddenly, enemy troops crested that hill over there.
Fort Springfield, we surrender unconditionally! We're sick! We need leeches and hacksaws to saw off our gangrenous limbs.
But the Springfield brigade was too brave to accept their surrender.
Come on, boys.
Those white flags are no match for our muskets! Charge! And the Springfielders heroically slaughtered their enemies as they prayed for mercy.
It's hard to see what's going on.
I can only make out the fat soldiers.
All right, children.
Hey, they're trying to learn for free! - Get them! - Use your phony guns as clubs! Run, children.
Start the bus, Otto! Start the bus! Damn! I shouldn't have eaten the mint first.
Okay, hop on.
Wait! Wait! Seymour, because of your penny-pinching we're coming back from a field trip with the fewest children yet.
God bless the man who invented permission slips.
I think I got your lunch.
I didn't think this was for me.
Seymour, the teachers are fed up.
You have to put money back into the school.
You've cut back on everything.
Salaries, supplies, the food.
I don't care what you say, I can taste the newspaper.
Shredded newspapers add much-needed roughage and essential inks.
Besides, you didn't notice the old gym mats.
There's very little meat in these gym mats.
Our demands are very reasonable.
By ignoring them, you're selling out these children's futures.
Oh, come on, Edna! We both know these children have no future! Prove me wrong, kids.
Prove me wrong.
I've never seen them fight like that.
I'm worried that all this posturing could lead to a teachers' strike.
Strike, eh? My bones are so brittle.
But I always drink plenty of "malk"? How do you expect us to teach with these supplies? This pointer's so old, it's worn down to a nub.
It still points, doesn't it? Stop that! And look at this.
The only books we have are ones that were banned by other schools.
Well, the kids have to learn about Tek War sooner or later.
Go away, Bart.
This is not a good time.
I saw you two fighting.
I'm worried there could be a strike and the school would shut down.
I'm sure you'd really hate that.
- There's not going to be a strike, Bart.
Skinner said you wouldn't go through with it.
- Skinner said that? - Well, I had to clean it up a little.
But basically, Krabappel said you'd give the teachers everything they want.
- She did? - Yeah.
She said you'd fold faster than Superman on laundry day.
We'll see about that.
Simpson, I always thought you were sneaky and manipulative.
Now I see you're really a very sensitive little boy.
Thank you, sir.
You're being totally unfair, and the teachers won't stand for it! Teachers! You don't have the guts to strike! You don't have the guts to take us all on! - That's it! - Strike! Attention, this is an emergency broadcast.
All is well in the school.
My authority as principal is total Hey, give me that! Attention, teachers.
We're on strike! Oh, no.
Strike? Miss Hoover, are you on? Go home, children.
Pommelhorst? I'd like to get down now.
Hey, now that Largo's gone, we can play the forbidden music.
I heard that! Bart? Lisa? What are you two doing home so early? - Great news, Mom! - Horrible news, Mom! The school's on strike! Maybe forever.
Luckily I've prepared for this, so I'm not too worried.
Sit up straight.
Is that gum? Is that gum? Is that gum? Oh, yeah.
Bart, leave that crowbar here.
You know I don't like you prying and jimmying.
Mom! Dad! Great news! The teachers are on - We heard.
- And we already hired a tutor.
Well, looks like we'll be staying late today to make up for all this dilly-dallying.
You, at the crane! Spin around real fast! Now, you! Dump 3 tons of sand onto that Porta-Potty.
Hey! Can't you tell my voice from a 10-year-old kid's? Ay caramba! Hey, that little boy is playing three games at once.
Lousy teachers, trying to palm off our kids on us.
Dad, by striking, they're trying to change management so they can be happier and more productive.
Lisa, if you don't like your job, you don't strike.
You just go in every day and do it really half-assed.
That's the American way.
I've got textbooks.
But without state-approved syllabi and standardized testing, my education can only go so far.
Honey, maybe you should relax a little.
Relax? I can't relax! Nor can I yield, relent or Only two synonyms? Oh, my God! I'm losing my perspicacity! Well, it's always in the last place you look.
If we were in school this week, what do you think we'd be learning? Get away from me.
Good news, people! I'm happy to announce another union has joined us in a sympathy strike! The Piano Tuners Local 412! Now for Operation Strike-Make-Go-Longer.
You know, I heard Skinner say the teachers will crack any minute.
Skinner said we'll crack, purple monkey dishwasher.
Well, we'll show him! Especially for that "purple monkey dishwasher" remark.
Seymour, you are truly incompetent! - Well, I hardly think it's fair - Dummy up, you! Listen to those passing motorists who support the teachers.
Fifteen-minute recess, Milhouse.
The recess assignment is chapters three through seven.
Yay! Recess! I found a hive of killer bees.
You want to go throw rocks at it? Sorry, Bart.
I'm deeply immersed in the Teapot Dome scandal.
However, it might be feasible in a fortnight.
I can play in two weeks.
I just can't believe Stark would stoop to that and right in the middle of Montana and Dakota's wedding.
All this free time.
I never thought I'd get sick of Razor Fight II, The Slashening.
I probably should stop.
My doctor says I have the wrists of an 80-year-old.
What do you mean, the bank is out of money? Insolvent? You only have enough cash for the next three customers? Just a second here.
I don't have your money here.
It's in Bill's house, and Fred's house.
Hey, what the hell you doing with my money in your house, Fred? Grade me! Look at me! Evaluate and rank me! I'm good, good, good and, oh, so smart! Grade me! I'm worried about the kids, Homie.
Lisa's becoming very obsessive.
This morning, I caught her trying to dissect her own raincoat.
And this perpetual-motion machine she made today is a joke.
It just keeps going faster and faster.
And Bart isn't doing very well either.
He needs boundaries and structure.
There's something about flying a kite at night that's so unwholesome.
Hello, Mother dear.
That's it! We have to get them back to school.
I'm with you, Marge.
Lisa, get in here.
In this house, we obey the laws of thermodynamics! All right.
I'd like to call this meeting of the PTA to or-diddly-order.
Let's see if we can't put an end to this strike fuss.
Krabappel, why don't you begin.
Oh, "boo" yourself! Our demands are simple.
A small cost-of-living increase and better equipment and supplies for your children.
- Yeah, all right! - Give it to them! Yeah, in a dream world.
We have a very tight budget.
To do what she's asking, we'd have to raise taxes.
- Raise taxes? - They're too high as they are now.
- I've had enough.
- Taxes are bad.
It's your children's future.
- Children's future.
- Yes, children are important.
- It'll cost you.
- Oh, the taxes.
They're gonna raise taxes.
- Come on.
- All right, that's a good point.
Oh, yeah, that sounds - Oh, yeah, the taxes.
- That means money.
The finger thing means the taxes.
I guess this is a case where we'll have to agree to disagree.
- I don't agree to that.
- Neither do I.
This is a dilly of a pickle.
Oh, my God! The PTA has disbanded! No, no! The PTA has not disbanded.
We do have an emergency plan, in case of a prolonged strike, right here.
"Replace teachers with superintelligent cyborgs.
Or, if cyborgs aren't invented yet, use people from the neighborhood.
" Talking out of turn, that's a paddling.
Looking out the window, that's a paddling.
Staring at my sandals, that's a paddling.
Paddling the school canoe, you better believe that's a paddling.
All right, so the compression and expansion of the longitudinal waves cause the erratic oscillation You can see it there.
- Of the neighboring particles.
Yes? What is it? What? What is it? - Can I play with it? - No, you can't play with it.
You won't enjoy it on as many levels as I do.
The colors, children.
Okay, when I call your name, you say "present" or "here.
" No, say "present.
" Anita Bath.
Anita Bath here? All right, fine.
Hey, what are you laughing at? What? Oh, I get it.
I get it.
It's my big ears, isn't it, kids? Isn't it? Well, children, I can't help that.
Wow, Bart! I'm impressed the way you knocked off all those substitutes.
In my weaker moments, I almost pity them.
Then I just remind myself, they're trying to teach.
I don't know what you did to all those substitutes, but it's going to stop now.
Leopold? All right.
You listen up, you little freaks! The fun stops here.
You're gonna shut your stinking traps and behave, damn it! This is one substitute you're not gonna screw with! Marge Simpson.
Over here, sweetie.
It's me, Mom.
Hello! Well, I'm sure some of you already know me.
I'm Bart Simpson's mother.
Hey, Bart, what about the booby trap? - May I? - Thank you.
- Mama's boy! - Teacher's pet! Teacher's pet! I meant the other booby trap.
Kids have been doing that one since my day.
So how was everybody's day at school? - Horrifying.
It took the children 40 minutes to locate Canada on the map.
Marge, anyone can miss Canada, all tucked away down there.
My teacher's a nightmare.
Three kids got sick from inhaling his ointment fumes.
He confiscated everything made of tin.
And then he sent us home early because he got his beard caught in the pencil sharpener.
What if I did this? You're on your own.
There's no way I'll get into an Ivy League school now.
At this rate, I probably won't even get into Vassar.
I've had just about enough of your Vassar-bashing, young lady! Look, Mom.
It feels really weird having you on my turf.
How would you feel if I started mopping? I'd be thrilled.
You can start right now.
And I'm gonna keep teaching your class, like it or lump it.
I guess I'll just have to get into the crawlspace again.
I hate it when he gets in there.
Mom, I need a dollar.
Since you started teaching, kids have been taking my lunch money.
And I need that money for candy.
Here you go, precious.
Now, go off with your friends.
"Here you go, precious.
" Why isn't my mom stopping this? We've created a diversion.
That's a very nice jig, Kearney.
Now, isn't dancing much more fun than bullying? Yeah.
I can't take this anymore, Milhouse.
I've got to get the real teachers back.
Bart, you'll never get Krabappel and Skinner together again.
They're like two positively charged ions.
Wait, that's it.
With your book smarts and my ability to exploit people with book smarts we can figure out a plan to get them back together.
A surprise party for me in Principal Skinner's office? Well, I don't know, but all right.
Me? Go to my office? It's highly irregular, but all right.
You're not coming out until you reach an agreement.
- Let us out, Bart! - This is not funny, Bart.
- I mean it.
- Stop it, Bart! Let us out right now! - Don't worry.
They'll start negotiating.
- Bart, open this door! - Let us out! - For the love of God, let us out! Come on! You are gonna be so sorry.
- Let us out right now! - You're gonna be very, very sorry! Help! Well Seymour, I guess we could start talking.
What's the point? There's no more money unless you've got some magic new source of revenue.
We've got to figure it out.
We're locked in here like prisoners.
Prisoners in our own school.
This was a great way to make extra money renting out our cloakrooms to the overcrowded prison system.
I used to sit right over there.
It's all right, children.
Just ignore the murderer.
And as a bonus, some of our more troublesome students might be scared straight.
Kid, help me break out of here.
I'll totally make it worth your while.