Here is a great collection of Simpsons Scripts . My grand momma loves to read these on the potty.
The Simpsons Episode Scripts
2F08 - Fear of Flying
A snake in the cash register! Yeah, great prank, fellas.
- Oh, I'm gonna be sick tonight.
- Hey, Moe, you wanna smell my flower? Do I! I'm burning up here! Taking advantage of my alcohol-soaked clothes.
Oh, it's funny and it makes you think.
I need some coffee before I black out.
Homer, pass me the sugar.
This is gonna be great.
- Oh, there's sugar all over the bar now.
- That's not funny, Homer.
We were just messing around, and you had to go too far.
How many people want Homer banned from this place for life? - Yeah! - Come on, everybody.
This bar is like a tavern to me.
You should've thought of that before giving me the sugar-me-do.
I'm taking your caricature down from Mount Lushmore and I'm pulling your favorite song out of the jukebox.
- "It's Raining Men"? - Yeah, not no more it ain't.
Joke's on them.
I'm still alive.
Cheer up, Homer.
What if you pretended that this couch were a bar? Then you could spend more nights at home with us.
I am not going to dignify that with an answer.
Look on the bright side, Dad.
Did you know the Chinese use the same word for crisis as they do for opportunity? - Yes.
" You're right.
I've been wasting my life away in that dump for years.
I'm going to find a new bar to drink in.
And I'm gonna get drunker than I've ever been in my entire life.
Bart, where's my wallet? - Right here, Dad.
- Thank you.
- Wow, classy.
- Good evening, sir.
Would you please leave without a fuss right now? Okay.
This looks like a nice, friendly place.
Sammy, you're too old to go on a date with two twins on the same night you're supposed to marry Diane without Rebecca knowing.
I'll make you a bet.
If this affects my major-league comeback, I'll sell the bar.
Woody, give me a beer.
I think you've had enough, Mr.
My chiropractor says I can't carry you home anymore.
Just give me another beer, you brain-dead hick.
I'll kill you.
I'll kill all of you! Settle down, Normie.
Gotta save those pipes for karaoke.
I love you guys.
Wait a minute.
There's something bothering me about this place.
This lesbian bar doesn't have a fire exit! - Enjoy your deathtrap, ladies.
- What was her problem? Greetings, good man.
Might I trouble you for a drink? - Oh, get out of here, Homer.
- Homer? Who is Homer? My name is Guy Incognito.
Oh, my God.
This man is my exact double.
That dog has a puffy tail! Here, Puff.
The last bar in Springfield.
If they don't let me in here, I'm gonna have to quit drinking.
Shut up, liver! My liver hurts.
- I'd like a beer, please.
- Sorry, you gotta be a pilot to drink here.
- But I am a pilot.
- Where's your uniform? I stowed it safely in the overhead compartment.
- Well, you talk the talk.
Here's a loaner.
- We need a pilot, pronto.
- Who wants to fly to the Windy City? - I'll go! Me! I'm your man! Conditions are a bit windy.
Well, on second thought, maybe I'll sit down.
- But l You're not just impersonating a pilot so you can drink here, are you? Yeah.
That's exactly why I'm here.
You crack me up.
But I keep telling you, I'm not a pilot.
And I keep telling you you flyboys crack me up! - Hi, I'm Alan.
I'm your copilot.
- Yeah As a change of pace I'm gonna let you do most of the work.
I think you're ready for it, Alan.
And I'll just get us started.
We'll need that to live.
If word gets out about this, Crazy Clown Airlines will be a laughingstock.
In exchange for your silence I'm prepared to offer your family free tickets to anywhere in the United States.
Excluding Alaska and Hawaii, the freak states.
Good news, everybody.
Because I endangered lives we can fly anywhere we want.
- Alaska! - Hawaii! I don't know, Homer.
We're right in the middle of the busy housekeeping season.
But, Marge, you deserve a vacation.
It's a chance for you to clean up after us in a whole other state.
But getting on a plane like that seems like a hassle coupled with a burden.
Come on, Marge.
I wanna shake off the dust of this one-horse town.
I wanna explore the world.
I wanna watch TV in a different time zone.
I wanna visit strange, exotic malls.
I'm sick of eating hoagies.
I want a grinder, a sub, a footlong hero.
I wanna live, Marge! Won't you let me live? Won't you, please? So, Marge, pretty sweet, eh? Oh, I forgot to clean the lint basket in the dryer.
If someone broke into the house and did laundry, it could start a fire.
I specifically asked not to be seated next to a baby.
We must be really flying high.
Those people down there look all tiny and blurry.
Just like the inside of a cataract.
Due to our policy of overselling flights, this flight has been oversold.
In accordance with FAA rules the first two people to the front will be upgraded to first class.
Okay, you two.
Come on, Bart, they're gonna pamper us.
Not literally, of course.
I come for the service but I stay for the legroom.
Flight crew, prepare for takeoff.
I think I'll go get a picture of the plane taking off.
Marge, what's wrong? Are you hungry? Sleepy? Gassy? - Gassy? Is it gas? It's gas, isn't it? - Homer, I never told you this before but I'm not a good flier.
I have to get off the plane.
Let me off the plane.
I'm asking you nicely to open the doors.
Take it easy, Marge.
How about if we dope you up real good? Let me off! Let me off! Let me off! It's okay, Marge, we don't need to go on a trip.
We'll just wait for the killer bees to come to us.
You know, I have this feeling that we forgot something.
- I'm sure it's nothing.
- Mom, are you feeling any better? - Yes, but I'd rather not talk about it.
- Permit me to solve the mystery.
Your mother has a fear of flying.
So much for the days when I could say, "At least my mother's normal.
" - Everybody's got a fear of something.
- Not everybody.
- Sock puppets.
- Where?! Where?! Mom, are you sure you don't want to discuss it? Sure as sugar.
Lisa, the important thing is for your mother to repress what happened push it deep down inside her so she'll never annoy us again.
If we don't encourage her to vent her feelings they can come out in other ways.
I just realized we never had a wedding for the cat and the dog.
They've been living in sin.
Mom, you've been cooking all night? Judge, jury and executioner all rolled into one, you are.
See, Dad? I told you Mom would have problems.
No, no, honey, it's all right.
Really, I'm fine.
I'm all right.
Mother always said don't complain.
Don't make waves.
You heard your mother's ramblings.
She's fine, so behave.
Marge, it's 3 a.
- Shouldn't you be baking? - In a little while.
Mom, can we talk to you? Can't talk.
Keeping myself in a state of catlike readiness.
Anyway, Mom, maybe you should go into therapy.
No, I don't need therapy.
And it's too expensive.
And I don't believe in it.
It breaks up families.
It turns wives against husbands, children against fathers neighbors against me.
You don't have to pay some fancy psychiatrist 10 bucks an hour to get top-notch therapy.
You will die a terrible, terrible death.
That was our last caller.
Okay, I'm getting something now.
You will die a terrible, terrible death.
- But - Thank you for calling Radio Psychic.
- Do you have a song request? - "It's Raining Men.
" Now, Marge, "Dear Abby" says seeing films about air travel can calm your fears.
Here are some upbeat titles.
Alive! No thanks to the plane, many of us are still alive! - Alive! We certainly are.
Pass me another hunk of copilot.
Dad, Mom's getting worse.
You have to take her to see a real psychiatrist.
Look how tense she is.
All right, Lisa, you got your way.
Your mom's going to a psychiatrist.
She's gonna tell Marge to leave me.
It'll break up the family.
You'll have to live with your grandmother and pick beans.
Dad, I like picking beans with Grandma.
- Well, keep it up, then.
- Okay, I will.
You do that.
- You'll be picking many a bean.
- Hope I do.
I don't believe it! Principal Skinner.
Well, well, well.
- I never thought I'd win this easy.
- This has nothing to do with you.
I have many, many issues with my beloved smother Mother.
Leave that man alone with his pain and sit down.
All right, how much do you charge? If money is a problem, I charge on a sliding scale.
I can go as low as $30 an hour.
- Keep sliding.
- Thirty dollars will be fine.
First, what are your qualifications? Well Oh, no.
I'm not here to take a reading test.
I wanna see some credentials.
I'm sorry, doctor.
He's just afraid you'll blame all my problems on him.
I'm not here to blame anyone.
Marge, therapy can be an intense process.
We'll go deep into your subconscious and we're not going to stop until we've exposed the root of your fear of flying.
This is a private sanctuary where whatever transpires will be just between us.
Oh, that's just Murray the window washer.
He comes every day at 12:00.
But it's a few seconds before 12:00.
Ever since you started therapy, all you can do is talk about yourself.
Well, what about me, Marge? I just left my first session.
I haven't even opened my mouth yet.
You see? You see? "I just left my first session and I haven't opened my mouth yet.
" Marge, there's no simple explanation for your fear of flying but it can probably be traced to some childhood trauma.
What's the earliest memory you have of something bad happening? That would have to be my first day of school.
They got this thing called a fire drill.
They use it to drill a flaming hole in your head.
And there's only one big toilet, and they make you all go at the same time.
The kids at school were even worse.
You like the Monkees? You know they don't write their own songs.
- They do so.
- They don't play their own instruments.
No! No! That's not even Michael Nesmith's real hat.
- Kids can be so cruel.
- But it's true.
They didn't write their own songs or play their own instruments.
The Monkees weren't about music, Marge.
They were about rebellion, about political and social upheaval.
- Did you talk about me in therapy today? - I don't think so.
Tell me the truth! Don't tell her I raised my voice.
I keep having the same dream.
I'm the mother from Lost in Space.
Ready for breakfast, Dr.
Smith? Oh, being stuck on this godforsaken planet has vanquished what little appetite I had.
Warning! Warning! Dr.
Smith refuses to do his astro-chores.
Why, you clattering clank of cogs and My dear lady, as you well know, my back is a disaster area.
D'oh, the pain! D'oh, the pain of it all! Danger! Danger! My hooks are flailing wildly.
Wait! Daddy, wait! Please don't leave! Take me with you! Marge, are you aware you just said "Please don't leave" to your daddy? - No, I didn't.
- Yes, you did.
And you also infringed on any number of copyrights.
Now, let's talk about your father.
I'll talk about Father.
That's what they call Santa Claus in England.
They drive on the wrong side of the road there.
Now, that's crazy.
People always say how small England is, but you couldn't fit it all in here.
Not by a long shot.
You know what, I'm cured.
Marge, get back here and tell me about your father.
- What did he do for a living? - Okay.
Okay, but you're gonna make a big deal out of this.
- He was a pilot.
- A pilot? This is a big deal.
You see? Marge, this may not be the best time to bring this up but your last check bounced.
- Wait, I'm remembering something.
- Yes, Marge, there's still the matter of - I was a little girl Goodbye, Margie.
Be a good girl, now.
- Why does Daddy have to leave? - Because he's a pilot.
- He flies all over the world.
- I wanna see Daddy fly.
Margie! No, come back! Daddy? Daddy, where are you? Dad? So who wants preflight cookie? - Fig Newtons? Hydrox? - Daddy? Don't look at me! Don't look at me! My father was a stewardess.
Marge, there's nothing to be ashamed of here.
Today male flight attendants, or stewards, are common.
- They are? - Yes.
Thanks to trailblazers like your father.
You might say he was a pioneer.
You might even say he was an American hero.
Let's not go nuts.
The important thing is that we've pinpointed the precise moment when you developed your fear of flying.
Wait, some other stuff is coming back to me.
Here comes the airplane.
This is what a corn field looks like, honey.
You think those things could also have contributed to my fear of flying? - Yes, yes.
It's all a rich tapestry.
- Oh, thank you.
You've changed my life.
We've really just begun to scratch the surface.
There's still the serious problem of your husband.
You don't have to make her into a superwoman.
- She can get on the plane, that's plenty.
- Thank you, doctor.
Whenever the wind whistles through the leaves I'll think, "Lowenstein.
" - My name is Zweig.
- Lowenstein Don't worry about a thing, honey.
I'm gonna help you through this.
Those are all normal noises.
Luggage compartment closing.
Just sit back and relax.
That's just the engine powering up.
That's just the engine struggling.
That's just the carp swimming around your ankles.