The Simpsons Episode Scripts

1F03 - Marge on the Lam

[ Chorus ] " The Simpsons " [ Tires Screeching ] D'oh! [ Screams ] Well, sir, it has been an uneventful week in Badger Falls where the women are robust, the men are pink-cheeked and the children are pink-cheeked and robust.

[ Laughing ] What the hell's so funny? [ Inhales ] At the Apple Biscuit Cafe where the smiles are free, don't you know Sven Inqvist studied the menu.

Finally, he ordered the same thing he has every day.

[ Laughter] - Maybe it's the TV.

- Stupid TV.

Be more funny! [ Grunts ] Well, sir, I think it is time to turn this pledge drive over to Troy McClure.

I can't keep up this pace forever.

[ Deep Sigh ] Hi, I'm Troy McClure.

You might remember me from such telethons as ''Out with Gout '88'' and ''Let's Save Tony Orlando's House.

'' Folks, do you realize without your support public television can't afford to bring you such award-winning shows as Edward the Penitent? I'm really, really, really sorry.

I'm afraid sorry doesn't cut it with this pope.

- Oh-ho.

-[ Phone Ringing ] What the hell? Oh, we got a call.

[ Chuckles ] Some idiot actually called in.

- Hello.

What's your name? - Marge Simpson.

- [ Screams ] - I'd like to pledge $30.

Oh, thank you.

Marge, it's public TV.

They never have anything good.

Where are the Geraldos? Where are the Eubankses-ses? They need our support.

Besides, they gave me two tickets to the ballet.

- The ballet? Whoo-hoo! - You like ballet? Marjorie, please.

I enjoy all the meats of our cultural stew.

Ahh, ballet.

Hee-hee-hee.

All right.

Whoo-hoo! Yea! [ Laughing ] Yeah! " [ Humming With Calliope Music ] " [ Continues ] - [ Doorbell Rings ] - "[ Humming Continues ] - Hello, Ruth.

- Hi, Marge.

I was wondering if you had a power sander I could borrow.

- Homer? - Nope.

- [ Whirring ] - That's one right there.

All right.

But, remember, it's mine.

That's what ballet is? [ Groans ] You promised.

You can't back out like when you volunteered for that army experiment to avoid dinner at my sisters'.

Mr.

Simpson, you do realize this may result in hair loss, giddiness and the loss of equilibrium? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Just give me the serum.

[ Chuckles ] It was worth it.

- [ Body Thuds On Floor ] - [ Homer Giggling ] - Hey, Homer, you wanna get a beer on the way home? - I can't.

I gotta take my wife to the ballet.

[ Chuckles ] Gonna go see the bear in the little car, huh? Hmm? Mmm, invisible cola.

Mmm.

[ Short Laugh ] Time to stick it to the man.

Hey, hey.

Careful there, Homer.

I heard somebody lost an arm in there once.

[ Scoffs ] That's just an old wives' tale.

[ Grunting, Straining ] [ Grunting ] Just a little more-- [ Grunts ] Got it.

[ Screams ] I'm stuck.

Help me.

- He's done for! - Let's get outta here! [ Both Yelling ] [ Grunting ] [ Grunts ] Must get to ballet.

Promised Marge.

[ Grunts ] Hello? Can I get some help? Snack-related mishap.

[ Grunting ] Mmm.

Candy.

- [ Rings ] - Hello? Marge, this may be hard to believe but I'm trapped inside two vending machines.

[ Loud Sigh ] Sure, Homer.

Trapped in vending machines.

Okay.

Would you two like to go to the ballet? - [ Snorts ] That's girl stuff.

-[ Doorbell Rings ] Thanks, Marge.

When my husband left, he took all our power tools along with the car, my youth, my faith in mankind.

Well, see ya.

Mmm.

Hey, wait! "[ Classical ] "[ Continues ] - Vyachepov's loins oughta be outlawed.

- [ Giggling ] [ Scoffs ] Far too much dancing, not nearly enough prancing.

A little mincing would be nice.

[ All Gasp ] - [ Shattering ] -[ Buzzer Buzzes ] [ Applause ] Well, thank you for a lovely time.

- You're not going home already, are you? - It's almost 9:30.

[ Laughs ] Yeah, right.

We better turn in.

[ Laughs, Stops ] Oh, you were serious.

Oh, I'm going to have these things on my arms forever.

"[ Wedding March ] [ Guests Cheering ] - Candy and sodas for all.

- [ Cheering ] Mmm, convenient.

Homer, this-this is never easy to say.

I'm gonna have to saw your arms off.

- They'll grow back, right? - Oh, yeah.

- Whew.

- [ Whirring ] Homer, are you just holding on to the can? - Your point being? -[ Men Laughing ] - I envy you and Homer.

- Thank you.

- Why? - If you ever met my ex-husband, you'd understand.

All he ever did was eat, sleep and drink beer.

- Your point being? - And to top it off, he's been stiffing me on child support for the last four months.

[ Groans ] Well, you were unlucky.

But there are a lot of good men out there.

Hey, can I throw up in your bathroom? - I'll buy something.

- [ Shudders ] Marge, I know you didn't believe me about the vending machines.

That's why I had the firemen write me a note.

''Mrs.

Simpson: While we were rescuing your husband, a lumberyard burned down.

'' D'oh! Lumber has a million uses.

I'm disappointed in you, but it turns out I had a wonderful time with Ruth Powers.

In fact, we're going out again tomorrow night.

Marge, that's twice.

I think you're spending entirely too much time with this woman.

Homer, please.

You know it's hard for me to make friends.

[ Laughs ] Oh, Marge, we should do this every Thursday.

Marge, I got sprayed by this skunk.

- [ Hissing ] - Oh, look.

It's doing it again.

[ All Screaming ] Marge, you can't go out on Saturday.

That's our special night.

- What's so special about it? - What's so-- Oh, I don't know.

- A little show called Dr.

Quinn, Medicine Woman? - [ Groans ] - Where're you going? - I don't know.

- When will you be home? - I'm not sure.

- Where're you going? - You already asked me that.

- Will you bring me back something? - [ Horn Honks ] Don't wait up.

How can you do this, Marge? How can you desert your children? - Have a blast, Mom.

- Rock the Casbah.

Man's best friend indeed.

Whoa.

You look nice.

Tonight has nothing to do with nice.

Tonight's all about-- "Sunshine, lollipops and rainbows ev--" Oh.

Sorry, Marge.

Wrong tape.

" Welcome to the jungle We got fun and games " - "We got everything-- " - [ Marge Screams ] I can't believe your mother went out to have fun without me.

Don't worry.

You'll feel better once we put your hair up in curlers and give you a makeover, Homina.

[ High-pitched Voice ] Oh, that would be delight-- [ Normal Voice ] Quiet, boy.

There's nothing to feel ashamed of here.

Women have a right to a night out.

Right, Lisa? Sure, Dad.

[ Imitates Whip Cracking ] That's it! I'm calling my buddies.

Marge is not the only one who can have a girls' night out.

Oh, no can do, Homer.

I'm watching the game.

Shave up not down, you idiot.

Ooh, sounds delish.

Let me just toss some jeans on and-- Wait a minute.

Who is this? - [ Ringing ] - Well, howdilly dodilly-do.

- [ Line Clicks, Dial Tone ] - Hello? Hello? Hellodilly-odilly? Fine.

I can have a great time all by myself.

Hey, Dad, I think state and federal laws require us to have a babysitter.

Oh, Lisa.

Haven't you seen Home Alone? If some burglars come, it'll be a very humorous and entertaining situation.

You're absolutely right, Homer.

We don't need a babysitter.

Wait a second.

Mmm.

You kids do need a babysitter.

Blast that infernal card.

Don't give that card to me.

- Here you go-- No! - [ Doorbell Rings ] Mr.

Simpson, I was just going through your garbage and I couldn't help overhearing that you need a babysitter.

Of course, being a highly skilled attorney - my fee is $175 an hour.

- We pay eight dollars for the night - and you can take two Popsicles out of the freezer.

- Three.

- Two.

- Okay, two, and I get to keep this old birdcage.

- Done.

- Still got it.

[ Marge ] Oh, I've heard a lot about Shot Kickers.

" [ Country ] [ Grunts ] How come no one else's chair is doing this? Hey, baby.

Feel like getting lucky? I am lucky.

I have a husband and three wonderful children.

Thank you very much.

Listen, baby.

I always get what I want.

- I said no.

- Oh, did ya? Oh, I completely misunderstood.

Please accept our apologies.

Sometimes you gotta go where everybody knows your name.

- Hey, guys! - [ Fan Squeaking ] [ Squeaking ] - Moe, get the darts.

I wanna play.

- No.

- We're phasing out the games.

People drink less when they're having fun.

- Oh.

Oh, sure.

Like lawyers work in big skyscrapers and have secretaries.

Look at him.

He's wearing a belt.

That's Hollywood for you.

[ Marge ] Ooh, I've never been to an underground club.

"[ Dance ] - Don't you think your hair is a bit much? - Hey, Mrs.

Simpson you should try one of these smart drinks.

[ Laughs ] Oh, wow.

I've wasted my life.

- Would you, uh, care to dance? - Mayor Quimby! - What are you doing here? - I'm here with my nephews.

Oh, that's nice.

Ooh, Jet.

Whoo-hoo! It's Garrett Morris's birthday.

Hmph.

This is not a library.

This is not a Kwik-E-Mart.

- What was it you wanted to show me? - This.

[ Gasps ] You're not gonna hunt me for sport are you? [ Chuckles ] Relax, Marge.

I'd never turn a gun on a human being.

My husband, on the other hand.

- Come on.

You try it.

- No.

I couldn't.

Yeah.

Just breathe slowly and squeeze the-- I hit it! I hit it! My cans.

My precious, antique cans.

Aw, look what you done to 'em.

Well, it's getting late.

Maybe we should call it a night.

It's only midnight.

Come on.

I know a place.

- Whoa.

- Beautiful, huh? Homer and I used to come up here on dates.

Homer, stop that.

It's just a weather station.

[ Grunts ] Come on, Marge.

It's fun to smash things.

[ Laughs ] I smashed it good.

You got real ''purdy'' hair.

You know, Marge, of all the places we've been tonight - I think I like this one the best.

- Mmm.

Me too.

Look, you can see our houses.

There's an awful lot of black smoke coming from my chimney.

Mr.

Hutz, why are you burning all your personal papers? As of this moment, Lionel Hutz no longer exists.

Say hello to Miguel Sanchez.

Mmm, maybe we should call it a night.

Okay.

I should get home to my daughter before that naked talk show comes on.

[ Starts Engine ] Ah, young love.

The old make-out place.

Hey, a new weather station! I'll bash it good.

Oh it's just no fun without Marge.

Ah, there's nothing like moonshine from your own still.

Oh, Simpson.

- What are you doing here? - My wife's having a girls' night out.

Ah,just get one of those inflatable women.

But make sure it's a woman though.

'Cause one time I-- [ Stammering ] Come on.

I'll, uh-- I'll give you a ride home.

[ Groans ] I miss you, Marge.

Huh.

Their left taillight's a little smaller than their right one.

- I better pull 'em over.

- [ Siren Wails ] - I think they want us to stop.

- Fat chance.

- This car's stolen.

- Stolen? - [ Revs Engine ] - [ Marge Screams ] Looks like we got ourselves an old-fashioned car chase.

" [ Pop ] - "Sunshine, lollipops--" - [ Singing Along ] "And rainbows, everything " "That's wonderful is what I feel when we're together " " Brighter than a lucky penny when you're near " "The rain clouds disappear dear and I feel so fine " Ruth, is there something you wanna tell me? Remember when I said my ex-husband was behind on his child support? - Mm-hmm.

- Well, to even things up, I kind of stole his car.

Didn't you realize all you had to do was report him to the police? - Marge, you're the levelheaded friend I never had.

- [ Groans ] We're in pursuit of two female suspects.

One is wearing a green dress, pearls and has a lot of blue hair.

A lot of blue hair? [ Giggles ] What a freak.

- [ Car Hits Bump ] - Ooh! [ Screams ] It's Marge! She's become a crazed criminal just because I didn't take her to the ballet.

- That's exactly how Dillinger got started.

- Really? I don't wanna be a wet blanket, but maybe you should give yourself up.

Marge, it's a matter of principle.

I just can't let that deadbeat win again.

You're with me, aren't ya? [ Thinking ] I should say something reassuring yet noncommittal.

- [ Groans ] - Marge, there's no reason for you to get dragged into this.

Once we lose the cops, I'll let you out.

Well, I don't think they're gonna be that easy to lose.

These are professional lawmen and-- Oh, my God! It just disappeared.

It's a ghost car! - [ Tires Screech ] - [ Grunts ] There are ghost cars all over these highways, you know.

- Hold me.

- Only if you hold me.

- [ Coyote Howling ] - [ Shivering ] - You can call a cab in there.

- Well, bye.

I'm sorry about all this.

But you gotta admit, we did have some fun.

Yeah.

Everything before the high-speed chase was just lovely.

- Hey.

You're a good friend, Marge.

- Mmm.

[ Coin Clatters ] This cross-country flight from the law would be hell if we didn't stick together.

Hey.

Friends stick together.

It's amazing how through all this adversity, we managed to stick together.

If there's one thing decent folk do, it's stick together.

I hate it when the waffles stick together.

Sticking together is what good waffles do.

[ Groans ] [ Siren Approaching ] Thanks, kid.

Marge, what are you doing? Ruth, I've done a lot of thinking, and I really consider you a friend.

And an important part of friendship is-- - [ Tires Screech ] - [ Marge Screams ] - [ Siren Blaring ] - You stupid kid! - You know that drives away all my business.

- See you tomorrow, loser.

Mmm, engine-block eggs.

If we can keep these down, we'll be sitting pretty.

- That's them! - Quiet.

I can't hear the eggs.

- [ Snoring ] - [ Grunts ] Hey, it's morning, and Mom and Dad aren't home yet.

Don't worry.

Mr.

Hutz is still here to take care of us.

Don't touch my stuff!.

Hey.

This isn't the Y.

M.

C.

A.

Dispatch, this is Chief Wiggum back in pursuit of the rebelling women.

- [ Man On Radio ] All right.

Your current location? - Oh.

Uh, I'm a-- I'm on a road.

Looks to be asphalt.

Um, aw, geez.

Trees, shrubs.

I'm directly under the Earth's sun now.

[ Man On TV] We now interrupt this program for a special bulletin.

We've just received word of a high-speed desert chase.

The suspects have been identified as Ruth Powers and Marge Simpson of Springfield.

- [ Gasps ] - Cool.

I always knew someday Mom would violently rise up - and cast off the shackles of our male oppressors.

- Aw, shut your yap.

At the risk of editorializing, these women are guilty and must be dealt with in a harsh and brutal fashion.

Otherwise, their behavior could incite other women leading to anarchy of biblical proportions.

It's in Revelations, people! Look.

We're only two miles from the state line.

We're gonna make it.

We're gonna be okay.

My God! That must be every policeman in Springfield.

That's it.

I give up.

A single mother can't win in a man's world.

Ruth, that's a lot of hooey.

It's not over until it's over.

I'm sorry.

I should've asked first.

No, Marge.

You did it.

We really are gonna make it now.

Oh, no! They're headed right for the Grand Chasm.

Oh, my God! They're gonna drive right into it just to teach us men a lesson.

And it's all my fault! Marge.

Marge! - Homer? - Look, Marge.

I'm sorry I haven't been a better husband.

I'm sorry about the time I tried to make gravy in the bathtub.

I'm sorry I used your wedding dress to wax the car.

I'm sorry-- Oh, well, let's just say I'm sorry for the whole marriage up to this point.

You're right.

I am lucky to have him.

But, please, Marge, don't drive into that chasm! [ Together] Chasm? [ Homer And Chief Wiggum Screaming ] [ Thud ] Ha! And to think those idiot environmentalists were protesting this landfill.

Solid waste.

I could kiss you.

[ Loud Kiss ] Yech.

[ Kiss ] Ew.

[ Kiss ] Ugh.

[ Kiss ] Ooh, I think this was pizza.

[ Man ] Ruth Powers was tried in Springfield Superior Court.

The judge dismissed her ex-husband's auto theft charges and forced him to pay all back child support.

Mr.

Powers blamed the outcome on his lawyer, one Lionel Hutz.

Lionel Hutz, a.

k.

a.

Miguel Sanchez, a.

k.

a.

Dr.

Nguyen Van Thoc was paid eight dollars for his 32 hours of babysitting.

He was glad to get it.

Marge Simpson was charged with a violation of penal code Section 618A wanton destruction of precious antique cans.

She was ordered to pay and $2,000 in punitive damages and mental anguish.

Homer Simpson was remanded to the custody of the United States Army neurochemical research center at Fort Meade, Maryland for extensive testing.

Whoo-hoo! - [ People Chattering ] - Shh!