The Simpsons Episode Scripts

1F12 - Lisa vs. Malibu Stacy

[ Chorus ] " The Simpsons " D'oh! [ Screams ] Uh, welcome to the new Springfield Center for Geriatric Medicine You know, health care for the aging is an important priority-- Get to Matlock! Matlock! Well, um-- [ Coughs ] without further ado [ Chuckles ] I give you the man who puts young people behind bars Where they belong-- TV's Matlock! - [ Applauding ] - [ Grunting ] "We love you, Matlock " " Oh yes, we do " [ Fans Screaming ] [ Choking ] What's eatin' you, Abe? For three weeks, all you been talkin' about was meeting Matlock.

Now you met him, swiped his pills-- - ''Take one every hour to prevent spastic heart convulsions.

'' - [ Siren Wailing ] - Clear! [ Electrodes Buzzing ] - But you ain't said a word! Lookin' at that tired old freak has made me realize I'm no spring chicken myself.

I can feel death's clammy hand on my shoulder.

Wait, that's my hand.

Hello.

As you may know, I might not be around much longer.

So, I've decided to give you your inheritance before I die.

That way, I can see you enjoy it.

Lisa, I know you like reading, and so forth.

To you, I give you my lifetime of personal correspondence.

Thanks.

''Mr.

Simpson.

Stop.

Your constant letters are becoming a nuisance.

Stop.

''If you do not cease, I will be forced to pursue legal action.

Stop.

Signed, Boris Karloff.

Hollywood, California.

'' - And to my son, Homer-- - Whoo-hoo! - and his entire family-- - D'oh! I leave these-- a box of mint condition silver dollars.

You see, back in those days, rich men would ride around in zeppelins, dropping coins on people.

And one day, I seen J.

D.

Rockefeller flyin' by-- so I run out of the house with a big washtub, and-- - [ Grunts ] Where are you goin'? - Dad, we'd love to stay here and listen to your amusing ''antidotes,'' but we have to take these coins to the mall and spend 'em! [ Grampa ] Anyway, about my washtub.

I just used it that morning to wash my turkey which in those days was known as a ''walking bird.

'' We'd always have walking bird on Thanksgiving, with all the trimmings.

Cranberries, ''injun eyes,'' and yams stuffed with gunpowder.

Then we'd all watch football, which in those days was called ''baseball.

'' [ Cooing ] Look, Maggie! It's Sergeant Thug's Mountaintop Command Post complete with Deathbringer missiles that really launch.

Mm.

That toy isn't safe for a baby like Maggie.

Aw, come on, Marge.

You're way too-- - D'oh! [ Screaming ] - [ Electrical Buzzing ] [ Explosion ] When I was young, toys were built to last.

Look at this junk! It breaks the first time you take it out of the box.

[ Groaning ] And look at these toy soldiers! They'll break the second I step on 'em.

[ Grunts ] Stupid toy soldiers! Break, you stupid-- All right.

Come on, pops.

- Soldiers won't bother you anymore.

- Oh! - "[ Piano Note ] - Hmm? Hmm! - " One, two, three o'clock four o'clock rock " - "[ Piano ] " Five, six, seven o'clock Eight o'clock rock " " Rock, rock, rock, rock, rock Rock, rock, rock " " Rock, rock, rock We're gonna rock, gonna rock " - [ Howling, Barking ] - "Around this clock tonight " - [ Booing, Jeering ] - Thank you.

Thank you very much.

- [ Girls Screaming ] - [ Gasping ] I'm warning you, Mom.

I may get a little crazy.

I understand, honey.

When I was your age, there was a-- Hey, horse face! Get your ugly pie-hooks off that Summer Fun Set! Look! Achy Breaky Stacy for $1 .

99! [ Gasps ] Live from the Improv Stacy's only 89 cents.

[ Both ] Ew! Hey, mister.

What's in the box? Um, it's the, uh, new Talking Malibu Stacy.

- [ Screaming ] Get him! - Help! Mr.

Weiss! [ Dings ] Mm, I don't know if it's a good idea to do that while you're driving.

Marge, that's what I bought it for.

[ Imitating Engine, Firing Weapons ] - Hey! Watch it with that thing! - [ Missile Firing ] - My skull is eggshell-thin.

- [ Explosion ] - Whoa.

- Thanks for buyin' us these toys, Grampa.

- Bah! Why didn't you get something useful, like storm windows? Or a nice pipe organ? I'm thirsty.

Ooh, what smells like mustard? There sure are a lot of ugly people in your neighborhood.

Ooh! Look at that one! Oh, my glaucoma just got worse.

The president is a demi-crat! Hello? I can't unbuckle my seat belt.

- Hello! - [ Horn Beeping ] There are too many leaves in your walkway.

- [ Turns On TV] - [ Whimpers ] - [ Screams ] - [ Bangs, Rings ] Why are you people avoiding me? Does my withered face remind you of the grim specter of death? Yes, but there's more.

Dad, I love you.

But you're a weird, sore-headed old crank, and nobody likes you! Consarn it! I guess I am an old crank.

But what am I gonna do about it? - [ Gulping ] - [ Explosion ] " [ Rock ] One sip and I'm totally hip! [ Announcer ] Buzz Cola.

There's a little boogie in every bottle.

Holy smokes! That's it! From now on, I'm thinkin', actin' and lookin' young.

And I'm gonna start with a bottle of Buzz Cola.

Oh! Ow! Ow! The bubbles are burning my tongue! Ow! Ooh.

Water! Water! A hush falls over the general assembly as Stacy approaches the podium to deliver what will no doubt be a stirring and memorable address.

I wish they taught shopping in school! Ohh.

Let's bake some cookies for the boys! Come on, Stacy.

I've waited my whole life to hear you speak.

Don't you have anything relevant to say? Don't ask me.

I'm just a girl! [ Giggles ] - Right on! Say it, sister.

- It's not funny, Bart.

Millions of girls will grow up thinking that this is the right way to act.

That they can never be anything more than vacuous ninnies whose only goal is to look pretty, land a rich husband and spend all day on the phone with their equally vacuous friends talking about how damn terrific it is to look pretty and have a rich husband! -Just what I was gonna say.

- [ Growls, Grunts ] Look at me! I'm acting young! [ Screaming, Grunting ] Hey.

This ain't so bad.

- Let's buy makeup, so the boys will like us! - [ Chattering ] [ Groaning ] Don't you people see anything wrong with what Malibu Stacy says? Oh, there's something wrong with what my Stacy says.

[ Male Voice ] My Spidey sense is tingling.

Anybody call for a web-slinger? No, Celeste.

I mean, the things she says are sexist.

- [ All Giggling ] - Lisa said a dirty word! - [ Groans ] - [ Chomping, Swallowing ] They cannot keep making dolls like this.

Something has to be done! [ Swallowing ] Lisa, ordinarily I'd say you should stand up for what you believe in.

But you've been doing that an awful lot lately.

Yeah.

You made us march in that Gay Rights Parade.

And we can't watch Fox, 'cause they own those chemical weapon plants in Syria.

I can't believe you're just gonna stand by as your daughters grow up in a world where this-- this is their role model.

I had a Malibu Stacy when I was little, and I turned out all right.

Now let's forget our troubles with a big bowl of strawberry ice cream.

Now let's forget our troubles with a big bowl of strawberry ice cream! - [ Groans ] - That's it! I'm callin' the company.

[ Recorded Male Voice ] Hello, you have reached the Malibu Stacy Customer Service Center.

If you have a complaint about Malibu Stacy's appearance or odor, press one.

If you've given Malibu Stacy a haircut and need to order a replacement head, press two.

- For information on our factory tour, press three.

- Mom! We could go on the factory tour, and I could complain in person.

Honey, you're not going to throw red paint at the executives, are you? The Keebler people were very upset.

Welcome to Enchantment Lane, where all the parts come together and Malibu Stacy is born! Some folks say there's a little touch of fairy dust in the air.

[ Grumbling ] Aw, crap.

There's a clog in the torso chute! Leroy! Get your ass in gear.

- Shut your hole.

[ Grunting ] - [ Rattling ] [ Announcer ] Malibu Stacy, America's favorite eight-and-a-half-incher.

In 1959, homemaker Stacy Lavelle had a design and a dream.

The design? Malibu Stacy.

The dream? To mass-market a fashion doll that was also edible.

Kids didn't much like the taste of dried onion meal, but they loved the doll.

A second, plastic Malibu Stacy took America by storm.

Just ask the owner of the world's largest Malibu Stacy collection.

: Waylon Smithers of Springfield.

Hello, Malibu Stacy collectors.

I'll see you at Stacy Con '94, at the San Diego Airport Hilton.

[ Announcer ] And what does Stacy think ofher 35 years of success and millions of friends worldwide? Don't ask me.

I'm just a girl! [ Giggles ] [ Announcer, Chuckling ] She sure is.

Well, that's the tour.

- If you have any questions, I'd be happy to answer-- - I have one.

- Yes? - Is the remarkably sexist drivel spouted by Malibu Stacy intentional, or is it just a horrible mistake? [ Chuckles ] Believe me, we're very mindful of such concerns.

- "[ Wolf Whistle ] - Hey, Jiggles! Grab a pad and back that gorgeous butt in here.

- Oh, you.

Get away! [ Chuckles ] - Ah, don't act like you don't like it.

[ Stops Chuckling ] [ Lisa Moans ] It's awful bein' a kid.

No one listens to ya.

It's rotten bein' old.

No one listens to ya! I'm a white male, aged 18 to 49.

Everyone listens to me, no matter how dumb my suggestions are.

- [ Chewing Noisily ] - But I'm not gonna accomplish anything just sitting here-- - and gripin', it's time for-- - action! I've got to talk to that woman who invented Malibu Stacy - and see if I can get her to-- - come out of retirement! I'm gonna get me a job! A real Malibu and see if Stacy can help invent me young-- Help! - You're getting a job! - Yes! I'm going where the action is! - [ Radio Static ] - Come in? Come in! Mayday! I'm losing your transmission! - I said, ''French fries!'' - [ Horns Honking ] - What the-- - [ Horns Honking ] Do we sell French fries? Yes? I-- [ Chuckles ] Why, it's Homer Simpson's daughter.

I thought you might be able to help me get in touch with the inventor of Malibu Stacy.

Whew! [ Chuckles ] That would be quite a feat.

Stacy Lavelle is a total recluse.

She hasn't appeared in public in 20 years.

Here, I'm writing an article on her for my next Malibu Stacy newsletter.

It contains her last known whereabouts.

- I'll, uh, print you out a copy.

- Thanks.

Hello, Smithers.

You're quite good at turning me on.

Um, you probably should ignore that.

[ Panting ] - [ Tires Skidding ] - No, it couldn't be! - [ Buzzing ] - Excuse me.

Miss Lavelle? I'd like to talk to you about Malibu Stacy? Do you have any idea how many kids have tried to track me down? - Am I the first? - Yes.

I want you to hear what Malibu Stacy is telling a generation of little girls.

Thinking too much gives you wrinkles.

All right! I've been waitin' nine years to get my Frisbee back.

[ Moaning ] My name is Stacy.

But you can call me-- " [ Wolf Whistle ] I see exactly what you mean.

This is a problem.

- But what do you expect me to do? - Change what she says.

- It's your company.

- [ Scoffs ] Not since I was forced out in 1974.

They said my way of thinking just wasn't cost-effective.

- That's awful! - Well, that, and I was funneling profits to the Vietcong.

But you are Malibu Stacy.

As long as she has your name, you have the responsibility! I'd be mortified if someone ever made a lousy product with the Simpson name on it.

I may have had things in common with Stacy in the beginning but 30 years of living her lifestyle taught me some very harsh lessons.

Five husbands: Ken, Johnny, Joe Dr.

Colossus, Steve Austin.

But if you can learn from Malibu Stacy's mistakes, so can everyone.

I'm sure we can think of something together.

- Come on! - Not now.

I'm too drunk.

No, you're not! [ Slurping, Swallowing ] Uh, I'll come back tomorrow.

We need some more secret sauce! Put this mayonnaise in the sun.

Hey! Now that Old Man Peterson's off our backs, let's have some fun! [ Muffled ] Ever see a sandwich that could take a bite outta you? [ Laughing ] Look at the sandwich! It's gonna bite you! - [ Biting Sound ] - [ Man ] Ow! - Damn sandwich took a bite out of me! - Oh.

I've got the solution.

You and I are gonna make our own talking doll.

She'll have the wisdom of Gertrude Stein and the wit of Cathy Guisewite.

The tenacity of Nina Totenberg and the common sense of Elizabeth Cady Stanton.

And to top it off, the down-to-earth good looks of Eleanor Roosevelt.

- [ Exhales ] - All right.

We'll make your doll! - [ Pounding On Door ] - [ Gasps ] Stacy, please.

I must have you back.

Just come for a ride with me in my mobile command unit.

Joe, I told you.

It's over.

- Release me from your kung fu grip.

- Fine.

I'll bomb your house into the ground, missy! Make sure you get my mom's hair just right! Um, I think we'll use someone different for the hair.

- How about me? - There's something not quite-- - How 'bout me? - [ Stammering ] - How 'bout me? - You all have hideous hair! - [ Simpsons Gasping ] - I mean, from a design point of view.

- Oh, well, if you put it that way.

- Oh, well.

Talking doll, take eight.

''When I get married, I'm keeping my own name.

'' Uh, you know, that should probably be, ''if I choose to get married.

'' Look, little girl.

We got other talking dollies to record today.

All right, you poindexters.

Let's get this right.

One: ''Hey, hey, kids, I'm Talkin' Krusty.

'' Two: ''Hey, hey! Here comes Slide Show Mel.

'' Again.

''Here comes Sideshow Mel.

Sideshow Mel.

'' Three.

[ Laughing ] Bada-bing, bada-boom.

I'm done.

Learn from a professional, kid.

[ Car Door Closing, Tires Screeching ] Okay, Krusty.

We are ready to roll any-- What the-- [ Lisa's Voice ] Trust in yourself and you can achieve anything.

All right! Now all we need is a name.

How 'bout ''Blabbermouth, the Jerky Doll for Jerks''? How 'bout Minerva, after the Roman goddess of wisdom? Mm, not enough commercial appeal.

''Wendy Windbag''? ''Ugly Doris''? - ''Hortense, the Mule-Faced Doll''? - I think we should name her after Lisa.

We'll call her ''Lisa Lionheart.

'' No, ''Loudmouth Lisa!'' ''Stupid Lisa Garbage Face!'' I can't stand this any longer.

Somebody please pay attention to me! Hello! Pay attention to me.

Look at me! I'm Bart, I'm Bart.

Look at me.

Look at me.

Look at me.

[ Blathering ] This is great! They're really gonna sell our doll! It wasn't difficult.

I just told them who I was and who you were.

- They couldn't resist.

- Really? Well, I didn't tell them who you were.

Gentlemen, we've got to sink this Lisa Lionheart doll and fast.

It's time to call in a favor from Washington.

Yes.

Yes, I understand.

I'll take care of it personally.

[ Chuckling ] - [ Lisa ] Dad, did you hear something? - I don't know.

- Dad? - Mm-hmm? My new doll's much better than Malibu Stacy.

Do a newscast about her.

[ Laughing ] Oh, please, honey.

Daddy's job is to bring people important news.

I'm very busy preparing a report about the 40th anniversary of Beetle Bailey.

Oh, Daddy, that is boring.

- Talk about the dolly! - Well, you were right about the Berlin Wall.

Though it was unusual to spend this reporter found it impossible to stop talking.

It's just really fascinating news, folks.

- Good night.

- "[ News Theme ] Oh, and the president was arrested for murder.

More on that tomorrow night.

Or you can turn to another channel.

Oh.

Do not turn to another channel.

Our one effort to put a stop to this Lisa Lionheart thing has failed miserably.

Gentlemen, we have to reinvent Malibu Stacy for the '90s.

We'll stay here all night, if need be.

- Can we order Chinese food? - Yes.

- [ Chattering ] - You know a good place? I cut my tongue on these pancakes.

These eggs are difficult to digest.

I want soft-boiled eggs.

I told you-- we don't have soft-boiled eggs! If you a-- By gum, you're right.

We should have them.

I shouldn't be listenin' to complaints.

I should be makin' 'em with you guys.

The Good Lord lets us grow old for a reason.

To gain the wisdom to find fault with everything he's made! Mr.

Peterson, you can take this job and fill it.

And one more thing.

I never once washed my hands.

That's your policy, not mine.

- [ Angry Chattering ] - You whippersnapper! [ Woman ] You show him, Abe! Quit! - [ Cheering ] - [ Laughing ] - [ Groaning ] - [ Grampa ] Oh, my back.

- [ Children Screaming ] - [ Smithers ] I want it.

I want it.

I want it.

Me, me, me! - I want it.

I want it.

I want it! - [ Screaming ] - Look! It's Lisa Lionheart! - Keep running.

We're almost there.

- [ Girls Gasping ] - They changed Malibu Stacy! - She is better than ever.

- Wait! Don't be fooled.

She's just a regular Malibu Stacy with a stupid, cheap hat.

She still embodies all the awful stereotypes she did before.

But she's got a new hat.

- [ Clamoring ] - [ Smithers ] I want it.

I want it.

I want it.

[ Sighs ] Well, I guess you can't beat big business.

There's just no room for the little guy.

[ Lisa Lionheart ] Trust in yourself and you can achieve anything.

You know, if we get through to just that one little girl - it'll all be worth it.

- Yes.

Particularly if that little girl happens to pay $46,000 for that doll.

- What? - Oh, nothing.

Kudos to you, Lisa.

Kudos.

[ Gasps ] Marge? Lisa? Lady? If you'll excuse me, I've got something very important to attend to.

Whoo! [ Laughing ] - " [ The Simpsons Theme ] - [ Shouting ] [ Feedback Squealing ] - [ People Chattering ] - Shh!