Here is a great collection of Simpsons Scripts . My grand momma loves to read these on the potty.
The Simpsons Episode Scripts
9F07 - Mr. Plow
We're not just For lepers anymore.
It's Carnival of the Stars.
I'm your host, Troy McClure.
You may remember me from such film s as The Erotic Adventures of Hercules and Dial "M" for Murderousness.
Tonight we'll see Angela Lansbury walk on hot coals.
Excitement, she wrote.
How could someone abuse their body that way? Moe, don't throw out that brine.
But first, a man whose inspiring battle with Percodan addiction is soon to be a movie of the week-- Krusty the Clown! I'll be played by Jimmy Smits.
Now he faces his toughest audience-- three Siberian tigers.
Simba, on the ball.
Aaah! - Not the face! - Ah, they'll be chewing on him for a while.
�Ay, ay, ay! �Lapolic�a! Hey, Homer.
It's really starting to snow.
I think you should come home.
But, Marge, Alan Thicke is throwing knives at Ricardo Montalban.
- Sorry, Ricardo.
Take it easy, folks.
It's "snow" picnic out there.
I "snow" what you mean.
You're dead weight, Marty.
D'oh! Well, I got him as good as he got me.
D'oh! Now, before I give you the check, one more question.
Uh, this place, Moe's, you left just before the accident this is a business of some kind? Don't tell him you were at a bar.
But what else is open at night? It's a pornography store.
I was buying pornography.
I would've never thought of that.
'Fraid old Zeke, he rides up here with me.
Can't trust a pig with watermelons, you know.
She'll go 300 hectares on a single tank of kerosene.
What country is this car from? It no longer exists, but take her for a test-drive and you'll agree-- Put it in "H.
" Kids, if we buy a new car, we get our parking validated for free.
Do you come with the car? Oh, you.
- Do you come with the car? - Oh, you.
Bart! That car belonged to Bonnie and Clyde.
Show a little respect.
Our tireless safety engineers crash-test over 1 ,000 cars a year.
Hey, wait, That's not a dummy.
This exhibit is closed.
Adam West! Hey, kids.
Dad, that's not the real Batman.
Of course I'm Batman.
- See, here's a picture of me with Robin.
- Who the hell's Robin? Oh, I guess you're only familiar with the new Batman movies.
The only true Catwoman is Julie Newmar, Lee Meriwether or Eartha Kitt.
And I didn't need molded plastic to improve my physique.
And how come Batman doesn't dance anymore? Remember the Batusi? Nice meetin' ya.
Just keep moving.
Don't make eye contact.
Wow! just think what I could do with that plow.
Homer, I've got to sneak these valuable artworks out of the White House but I can't get out of my driveway because of these protesters.
President, those young people are about to get a dose of reality.
Ah, I can't afford it.
Pally, this doesn't cost money.
It makes money.
You make the payments by plowing driveways on the side.
Well, I really should discuss this with my wife.
Your wife? What, you think I'm gonna buy a $20,000 truck just because you make that noise? I'll take it! I'll take it! I can't believe you bought that plow.
We can't afford it.
If you're gonna get mad at me every time I do something stupid then I guess I'll just have to stop doing stupid things.
I'll never ever do another stupid thing.
- Oh, Homie.
Didn't that hurt? - No.
Marge didn't reckon with these flyers and this flashy jacket.
- Oh! - Forget it, Homer.
People don't read these things.
Twenty percent off at Lullabuys.
just tell 'em Big Baby sent you.
I know you can hear me.
I'm talkin' to you.
You sicken me.
I guess guys like us just can't get a break.
Well, at least I can't sink any lower.
Come back, diaper.
And now, to read from the Epistles of Saint Paul Homer Simpson.
Dear Lord, in your infinite wisdom you know the number to call when you need a plow is Klondike 5-3226.
Homer, this is really low.
Not as low as my low, low prices.
Oh, I'm gonna lose my plow.
Dad, have you considered buying cheap commercial time on Channel 92? - Check it out.
- Arr! Ninety sea chanteys on three compact discs.
Act now and get a bonus C.
- Almost time for our commercial.
- Dad, who's watching TV at 3:1 7 a.
? Alcoholics, the unemployable, angry loners.
Look! There we are! It may be on a lousy channel, but the Simpsons are on TV.
Our driveway's snowed in.
Old Man Winter! That's right.
I fill your driveways with ice and snow.
What are you gonna do about it? Nothin'.
Plow! Get out, you lousy season.
My head hurts.
I have to lie down for a while.
Yea! Hello, I'm Mr.
Are you tired of having your hands cut off by snowblowers and the inevitable heart attacks that come with shoveling snow? - Uh-huh.
- Then call Klondike 5-3226.
Call now and receive a free T-shirt.
He could still surprise ya.
But I'm a real tightwad.
Can I afford this remarkable system? Absolutely.
My prices are so low, you'll think I've suffered brain damage.
You are fully bonded and licensed by the city, aren't you, Mr.
Plow? Shut up, boy.
So, remember-- Well, John Q.
Driveway has our number.
Now we play the waiting game.
Ah, the waiting game sucks.
Let's play Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Oh, thank you, Mr.
Now my store can remain open.
Let's do it.
We're not prisoners anymore.
We're free! We can go anywhere we want.
I'm cold and frightened.
I'm afraid classes maybe canceled today.
Look! We won't miss a minute of school thanks to your father.
Say your prayers, plow boy! Mr.
Plow, for making it possible for people to get where they're going without resorting to public transportation or carpooling I give you the key to the city.
Here you go, Mr.
- A beer on the house.
- Wow, Moe! You didn't even give a beer to those freed Iranian hostages.
Ah, they shouldn't have been there in the first place.
But Homer is a real hero.
I wish I was a hero.
Well, wishing won't make it so.
You gotta pull up your diaper, get out there and be the best damn Barney you can be.
Here I come, world! - How do you think he'll do, Moe? - I think he'll do just fine.
I was wrong about you buying that truck.
I'm very proud of you Mr.
This might sound silly, but just for a change, would you mind-- Cutting my nails? Brushing my teeth? No, no.
Could you wear the Mr.
Plow jacket? just, uh, for fun.
Ah, white gold.
Say hello to the Plow King.
Barney, you stole my idea.
Don't worry, Homer.
There's nothing wrong with a little healthy competition.
Well, well, If it isn't Mr.
Hey, Plow King, save some for me.
Wow! Linda Ronstadt! Linda Ronstadt? How'd you get her? Ah, we've been looking for a project to do together for a while.
How could you, Barney? After all I've done for you.
"Lachrymose is to dyspeptic as ebullient is to--" Effervescent.
All right! - Harvard, here I come.
- Psst, Barney.
- My dad's asleep.
Want a beer? - I don't know.
's are tomorrow.
I've got two words for you.
Mellow out, man.
- Hmm? Hmm? - All right.
Just one-- if it'll get you off my back.
Hey! Where have you been all my life? Thank you, Plow Kingaly-ding.
Flanders, I thought I was your plowman.
Uh, Homer, why don't you plow it again? Forget it, pal.
I don't need your phony-baloney job.
I'll take your money, but I'm not gonna plow your driveway.
West, you said there was a job for me.
When I called you-- So long, Superman.
Your secret identity is safe with me.
Ring, damn you.
That name again is Mr.
Hello, I'm calling from Delinquent Accounts at Kumatsu Motors.
Oh, you want the Mr.
Plow who plows driveways.
This is Tony Plow.
You know, from Leave It to Beaver.
They were gay.
- Oh, what am I gonna do? - I think you should do a new ad one that's fresh and original.
I'll do a rap.
- Stop it right now.
- Promise you'll never do that again.
Simpson, I guarantee you we'll come up with a commercial that can save your business.
You know those radio ads where two people with annoying voices yammer back and forth? I invented those.
Ow! Happens all the time.
Dad, was that your commercial? I don't know.
The torch has been passed to a new generation of, uh snowplow people.
Give me the key.
- These look like teeth marks.
- I thought there was chocolate inside.
- Well, why was it wrapped in foil? - It was never wrapped in foil.
Hardest hit by the blizzard is Springfield's forbidding Widow's Peak.
Our own Arnie Pie is on the scene.
Everything's snowed in.
All I can see is white.
The ski conditions.
I think I'm flying into a mountain.
Tell my wife I love-- That's great, Arnie.
Plow King? I was wondering if you could plow my driveway on top of forbidding Widow's Peak.
I don't know.
I'd be up there all day.
I wouldn't be able to plow any other driveways.
There's a $1 0,000 bill in it for you.
Oh, yeah? Which president's on it? Uh, all of them.
They're having a party.
jimmy Carter's passed out on the couch.
Wow! I'll be right there.
Barney, I'd like to put a Spanish version Of your jingle on my next album.
Yeah, you do that.
Well, I guess you can plow my driveway.
But I wonder what happened to the Plow King.
Well, I guess he just doesn't respect his customers.
Oh, could you make sure not to scrape my asphalt.
Kiss my asphalt.
So I says, "Kiss my asphalt.
" Hmm? Hmm? Springfield's beloved Plow King is trapped.
Barney Gumble, shown here donating $50,000 to the Shelbyville Dance Theater was caught in a sudden avalanche on Widow's Peak earlier today.
It was captured on film by a camera crew making the upcoming Fox special In Search of Bigfoot.
Hold it, Bob.
We can see your wristwatch.
- Oh, damn it.
- Hey, what's that? Aaah! This is all my fault.
I've gotta save him.
Homie, please, don't go.
Hey, this old girl's as sure-footed as a mountain goat.
D'oh! Oh! Easy.
Ah, dying's not so bad.
I'll be reunited with my loved ones-- my dad and that plant I never watered.
Barney! Homer, you saved my life, and I'm not gonna forget it.
From now on, we'll be partners.
Barney, that's great.
When two best friends work together not even God himself can stop them.
Oh, no? The snow's melted.
We can go outside again.
I don't like the looks Of those teenagers.
Could this record-breaking heat wave be the result of the dreaded greenhouse effect? Well, if70� days in the middle of winter are the price of car pollution you'll forgive me if I keep my old Pontiac.
This is the Repo Depot.
I'm just calling to distract you while we repossess your plow.
Oh, yeah? How dumb do you think I-- - Oh.
- Oh, now, Homie, you have your health you have your best friend back and you do have that certain special something.
- You mean-- - Mm-hmm.
Our forecast calls for flurries of passion followed by extended periods of gettin' it on.
followed by extended periods of gettin' it on.