Here is a great collection of Simpsons Scripts . My grand momma loves to read these on the potty.
The Simpsons Episode Scripts
9F05 - Marge Gets a Job
Free sample of Lemon Time.
Ooh, give it here.
Homer, that's dishwashing liquid! Yeah, but what Are ya gonna do? Ooh! They're having a retirement party for someone at the plant.
I wish I could retire.
Boy, that'd be sweet.
Howdy-do, neighbor! Good pipe weather.
Thought I'd fire up the briar.
- Can't talk.
Did you notice how slanted he looked? All part of God's great plan.
I think one side Of our house is sinking.
Ha-ha! "The Half-Assed Approach to Foundation Repair.
" Hello, I'm Troy McClure.
You might remember me from such instructional videos as Mothballing Your Battleship and Dig Your Own Grave and Save.
Now, over the next six hours, I'll be taking you through the do's and do-not-do's of foundation repair.
- Ready? - Ready! First, patch the cracks in the slab using a latex patching compound and a patching trowel.
Hand me my patching trowel, boy.
- Now, do you have extruded polyvinyl foam insulation? - No.
Assemble the aluminum J-channel using self-furring screws.
- What do I do in case-- After applying brushable coating to the panels-- - Wait a minute.
- you'll need corrosion-resistant metal stucco lath.
- Wait a minute! - If you can't find metal stucco lath-- - Uh-huh? - use carbon-fiber stucco lath.
- Ohh! - Now parge the lath.
[Glass Shatters] - Did you see the bubble? - Yeah, I'm afraid the whole west side of your house is sinking.
Uh, I figure it's gonna Cost you, oh, 8,500.
Forget it! You're not the only foundation guy in town! Let's see.
Ah, here we are-- D'oh! Leaving the vice president in charge.
And now, Leaning Tower of Pisa, Eat your heart out and move over.
This is one story that's not on the level! [ All Laughing ] Behold the horrors Of the slanty shanty.
See the twisted creatures that dwell within.
Meet Cue Ball, the man with no hair! Huh? [ Growls ] - [ All Gasping ] - He's hideous! - We have to do something.
- [Crashing] Marge, it'll cost $8,500.
We only have 500 in the bank, and that leaves eighty-hundred we need.
- I could get a job.
- Hey! Then I could follow my dream-- living in the woods and keeping a journal of my thoughts.
[ Thinking ] March 1 5th.
I wish I brought a TV.
Oh, God, how I miss TV.
[ Chittering ] - I think you have to keep your job too.
- Aw! It was the most beautiful, most expensive train ever built-- the Spruce Caboose.
Some people said it was too big to stay on the tracks.
[ Chuckles ] They were right.
- We're here for the retirement party.
- Follow the Headless Brakeman.
Power plant retirement party-- Ow!-- - [Crash] - right this way.
[ Shouts ] [ Clears Throat ] Tonight, we've all come to honor a close friend of ours.
Boring! A man who provided the Burns Corporation with 45 years of faithful service - Mr.
- Boring! [ Seething ] Mr.
Burns, If you don't mind I've prepared a little musical number For Jack's special night.
[ Singing ] [ All Laughing ] Do you mind If I say a few words? Oh, "Me, me, me.
I need all the attention just because it's my party," eh? [ Scoffs ] Please don't make me retire.
My job is the only thing that keeps me alive.
I never married, and my dog is dead.
- [ Up-tempo ] - I'm not finished.
Oh, yes, you are.
Yaah! With the departure of Mr.
Marley there will now be an entry-level position open in Sector 7G.
- Now, get out.
The bar is closed.
- [ All Groaning ] Maybe I should apply for that job.
Forget it, Marge.
We already live together.
We shouldn't work together.
As the Bible says "Thou shalt not horn in on thy husband's racket.
" Where does the Bible say "racket"? It's in there.
Look, Marge, We just don't need the money that bad.
[ Yelling ] Well, Lisa, I finished my r�sum�.
Uh, I think it needs a little padding.
- What are you putting in there? - Up, up, up.
When I'm done.
Curator of large mammals? Marge, have you seen my lunch box? - Oh, I see.
- [ Chuckles ] Mom, they expect you to lie a little.
"Worked for the Carter Administration"? Well, you voted for him twice! Lisa, shh! Someone might be listening.
- Oh, I thought Muddy Waters wrote that song.
- [ Groans ] This r�sum� is very impressive.
Let me be the first to say-- [ Speaking Foreign Language ] - What? - Welcome aboard.
I guess my Swahili's not as good as yours.
[ Nervous Chuckle ] Oh, yeah.
Sorry, the position has been filled.
- [ All Muttering ] - Oh, dear.
Marge, you're making a big mistake.
- I'm gonna see you all day at work and all night at home-- - [ Groans ] And that's good! But here's the bad part.
Uh-- Uh-- Ooh! Look at that headline! "Canada To Hold Referendum.
" Sorry, Marge.
Can't talk now.
We need the money, and my life is pretty boring.
Last week some Jehovah's Witnesses came to the door and I wouldn't let them leave.
They snuck away when I went in the kitchen to get more lemonade.
- Yeah, lemonade is good.
- I think it's wonderful.
Mom and Dad side by side at the power plant.
- You'll be just like Marie and Pierre Curie.
- What did they do? They discovered radium.
Then they both died of radiation poisoning.
Hmm! - [ Growling ] - [ Screaming ] It's the Curies! We must flee! [ Shouting, Growling ] Cool.
Now, Marge, just remember-- If something goes wrong at the plant, blame the guy who can't speak English.
Ah, Tibor, how many times Have you saved my butt? [ Chuckles ] Maggie, Your baby sitter's here.
What's that mean? Oh, you must be sick.
What's old Doc Washburn prescribe? Do you have dropsy? The grippe? Scrofula? The vapors? Jungle rot? Dandy fever? Poor man's gout? Housemaid's knee? Climatic poopow? The staggers? Dum-dum fever? And this is your office.
That idiot Tibor lost the key but you canjimmy it open with a credit card.
- [ Whirring ] - Well, have fun.
- What do I do? - [ Chuckles ] Marge, please.
According to your r�sum�, you invented this machine.
[All Yelling] Put away your books, children.
It's time for your English test.
[ Groaning ] Sick, on test day.
Why? Why? Bart, have you ever read "The Boy Who Cried Wolf"'? I'm halfway through it! I swear! [ Groaning ] - [Footsteps Retreating] - [Door Slams] [ Scoffs ] Marge, what are you doing? It's lunchtime.
I'll just be a minute.
I have to finish this paperwork.
Marge, Marge, Marge let's file this under "R" for arrivederci.
- Where does it go? - Don't worry, baby.
The tube'll know what to do.
Good news, boy.
I found a pharmacy that carries leeches! Well, it wasn't exactly a pharmacy.
More of a bait shop.
Look, Grampa, I'm fine! I really don't need any more home remedies.
Oral thermometer, my eye! Think warm thoughts, boy, 'cause this is mighty cold.
[Bart Screaming] [Mr.
Noodle heads! Enchantress! That woman-- She's so captivating.
Smithers, my heart's pounding like a jackhammer.
I must have her.
Smithers, zoom in.
Closer, damnit! - Ow! - Too close.
[ Humming ] - Hello! - Mr.
Burns! Oh, no need for alarm.
I just came to give you the orchids and fragrant bath oils I lavish upon all my employees.
- Oh, aren't you nice.
- [ Chuckles ] Gee, this makes me wonder why morale here is so low.
[ Sobbing ] I am the angel of death.
The time of purification is at hand.
Oh, who cares.
Marge, what can we do? Well, you could give them healthier snacks, theme days-- You mean like Child Labor Day? Mmm.
Actually, I was thinking of Funny Hat Day.
- Ooh! And how about piping in some Tom Jones music? That always cheers me up.
[Man Singing Pop] It's working! It's working! And the healthy snacks are on their way.
You can't take our doughnuts! Yaah! Right.
Anyone else want to be a hero? Ooh.
Marge, I'm giving you a raise and a new office right next to mine.
[ Chuckling ] But, sir, that's my office.
Don't worry, Smithers.
I'm putting you where the action is.
Springtime fresh, Winter white.
- What could be better? - Oh, man, I really gotta-- No-o-o! So, Bart, how are you feeling? - Can't complain.
- Well, then, you're ready for your makeup test.
[ Groaning ] My ovaries! [ Chuckles ] Suckers.
Have you ever read "The Boy Who Cried Wolf"'? I glanced at it.
Boy cries "wolf," has a few laughs.
I forget how it ends.
[ Sputtering ] Bart, is that light green? - Yeah.
- It better be! - Hey! - [ Groans ] - Homie, what's wrong? - I'm used to seeing people promoted ahead of me-- friends, coworkers, Tibor.
I never thought it'd be my own wife.
Well, maybe you'd get promoted If you worked a little harder.
Are you kidding? I work like a Japanese beaver.
Oh, really? I came to See you three times today.
Twice you were sleeping and once you were kicking that ball of electrical tape around.
Well, I won't sleep in the same bed with a woman who thinks I'm lazy.
I'm gonna go right downstairs, unfold the couch, unroll the sleeping ba-- Eh, good night.
[ Snoring ] [Sighs]I dreamed about her again last night, Smithers.
You know that dream where you're in bed, and they fly in through the window? [ Moaning ] You've been reading My wish book, sir.
Yes, well, Smithers, I want you to arrange a party for two at my estate-- Marge, me, and do you think you could dig up Al Jolson? Uh, do you remember we did that once before? Oh, that's right.
And rather pungent.
The rest of that night is something I'd like to forget.
All right, then.
Bring me that crooner she likes so much, Tom Jones.
- Here's your money.
- You know the problem here was water leakage.
If you just buy a fifty-cent washer-- I've got a better idea.
Get the hell out! Look, I've got some washers in my truck.
I'll give you one.
Marge, get my gun.
[Fanfare] [Women Screaming] - Tom Jones? - Yes? I was wondering if you'd be interested in performing at a private party.
I don't do private parties.
Well, then, perhaps you should look in this suitcase.
All right, but I don't see-- [ Gagging, Coughing ] Pleasant dreams, Mr.
Bart, to avoid this test, you've had smallpox, the bends and that unfortunate bout of rabies.
Well, I'm not sure I'm over it.
No more excuses! [ Muttering ] Tourette's syndrome.
[ Barking ] Her claws are really digging into my skull.
She can crush clams with them.
- Get it off, get it off, get it off!.
- [ Squawks ] Here we have an Alaskan timberwolf.
He weighs 240 pounds, and his jaws Can bite through a parkingmeter.
- He does get spooked by loud noises.
- "Loud"? That's our secret word for the day! [Alarms Sounding] [ All Cheering ] [ Growling ] [ All Screaming ] - Oh, my God! - Baah! - She must think you're after her eggs.
- I only ate one! "Ivanhoe is the story of a Russian farmer and his tool.
" [ Growling ] Wolf!.
- I'm afraid you'll have to do better than that.
- [Growling] - Ow! - Sorry.
You're wasting valuable test time.
Burns, you wanted to see me? Uh, actually, I was wondering If you were free for a little get-together tonight.
Dinner, dancing, and Mr.
- Hello, Marge.
- That's it.
- Oh, my goodness! - [ Groans ] My husband will be so excited! You have a husband? Yes.
I can picture him now-- rugged good looks, sweater knotted about his shoulders curly locks shining in the sun like spun gold! Homer, Mr.
Burns gave me another raise today.
[ Laughing ] The senile old fool.
- You're fired! - You can't fire me just because I'm married.
I'm going to sue the pants off you.
You don't have to sue me to get my pants off.
[ Purrs ] - [ Groans ] - [ Growling ] [ Screaming ] [Willie] Hey, wolfie, putdown that hors d'oeuvre.
It's time for the main course! [ Yelling ] Back to class, lad.
Nothin' to see here.
[ Shouting ] Here's my test.
I'm not even going to grade this until you tell me the truth about what happened out there.
The truth is-- There was no wolf.
I faked the whole thing.
I'm just gonna lie on the floor now.
- Please don't let me swallow my tongue.
- [Body Thuds] There.
Doesn't it feel better to tell the truth? Oh, dear.
All right, now, boy.
We've got to rub some garlic on you before the next full moon.
- [ Panting ] - Don't feel bad for losin'.
I was wrestling wolves back when you were at your mother's teat.
So, do you think I have a case? Mrs.
Simpson, you're in luck.
Your sexual harassment suit is just the thing I need to rebuild my shattered practice.
Care to join me in a belt of scotch? It's 9:30 in the morning.
Yeah, but I haven't slept in days.
Burns, we've got witnesses, precedent and a paper trail a mile long.
Yes, well, I have [ Gasping, Yells ] He left his briefcase.
Hey! It's full of shredded newspapers.
Well, I guess that's it.
People like us can't afford justice.
- Come on, Homie.
Let's go before he fires you too.
- No! Mr.
Burns, I'm not leaving until you say you're sorry for what you did to my wife.
- You love her too.
- Damn right! Homer, I want you to show this woman the time of her life.
Marge, we're gettin' some drive-through; then we're doing it twice.
No, no, no.
I've got something even more special in mind.
[ Singing ] - Mwah! - Ooh! Get help, luv.
Call Interpol, get me a hacksaw, anything.
[Continues] [Ends] - [ People Chattering ] - Shh!