Here is a great collection of Simpsons Scripts . My grand momma loves to read these on the potty.
The Simpsons Episode Scripts
9F17 - So It's Come to This: A Simpsons Clip Show
Blind! Ha, ha! April Fools'.
[Rooster Crowing] - Yeah.
- [ Gagging ] Ha, ha! April Fools'.
I've been keeping that carton of milk next to the furnace for six weeks.
Sucker! You're goin' down, Homer.
I'm gonna fool you.
You talk better than you fool.
I'll fool you up real nice.
You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine.
U! [ Groans ] Ah, what noble visionary thought up April Fools' Day? Like Halloween and Christmas, April Fools' Day traces its origins to pagan ritual.
God bless those pagans.
April first used to be the pagan new year.
- [Drums Drumming] - [Chanting]Blood for Baal! Blood for Baal! Blood for Baal! [Lisa's Voice] The Christians changed their calendar and ridiculed those who didn't.
- Happy New Year! - Hi-ho, pagans.
New Year's was three months ago, but here's a present anyhoo.
It's ram's blood for your godless ceremony.
- [ Both Screaming ] - [Ned Laughing] - April Fools'! - [ Laughing ] [ Growls ] [ Chanting ] Now who's laughing? Now who's laughing? And that's the story of April Fools' Day.
- Dad, I was telling the story.
- Oh, right.
[ Neon Buzzing ] Thar she blows.
The catch of the day.
Arr, har, har, har, har, har, har, har.
Why, ye mutinous dogs.
From this day, I be requiring hairnets.
Got to fool him before the day is out.
But how? He must have a weakness.
Ah, beer, my one weakness.
My Achilles' heel, if you will.
Beer is the cheese.
But how to use it? Whoo! It's a good thing that beer wasn't shaken up any more or I'd have looked quite the fool, an April fool, as it were.
- [Homer Chuckling] - [ Evil Laugh ] [Machine Rattling] Hey, kid, that's for customers only.
Uh, did you know there's a guy outside handing out free Stri-Dex pads? - Wow! I'm in pizza-face paradise! - Moron.
[ Rattling ] �Ay! No es bueno.
Eh, what are you gonna do? [ Growls ] [ Water Boiling ] [ Announcer] The following is a public service announcement.
Excessive alcohol consumption can cause liver damage and cancer of the rectum.
[ Tearing ] Hmm.
[ Chuckles ] April Foo-- That sounded like an explosion at the old Simpson place.
That's two blocks away.
Looks like there's beer coming out of the chimney.
I am proceeding on foot.
Call in a code eight.
We need pretzels.
[ Panting ] [Door Closes] - Mrs.
Simpson, I'm afraid your husband is dead.
- [ Gasps ] [ Laughing ] April Fools'.
He's very much alive - although I'm afraid he may never walk again.
- [ All Gasping ] [ Singing ] - Homie! - Marge! Mmm-mmm! Homer has many, many horrible problems.
These shadows are brain lesions resulting from numerous blows to the head.
[ Grunts ] Ohh! [ Snoring ] Wow! Huh? [ Screams ] [ Gurgling ] And his brain waves are disturbingly erratic.
[Man] You are wired in to the rest of your family.
You have the ability to shock them and they have the ability to shock-- just testing-- Whoa! Bart, how could you shock your little sister? My finger slipped-- Ahh! So did mine-- [ Yelps ] Bart, Lisa, stop that! [Man]No, no! No! No, wait a minute! Wait! Wait! Folks! Folks, if I could-- Uh, uh-- This is not the way to get healthy! [Yelling Continues] [Simpsons Yelling] Mrs.
Simpson, can you think of anything to account for all this? Mm, I have no idea.
Unless it was that time he kept falling down the cliff.
I won't jump anymore.
Oh, thank God! Thank God! Thank God! - I love you, Dad.
- I love you too, son.
You know, boy, I don't think I've ever felt as close to you as I do right-- Huh? Wha-Wha-- Huh? Huh? [ Yelling ] - Uhh! - [ All Oohing ] I'm gonna make it.
I'm gonna make it! This is the greatest thrill of my life! I'm king of the world! Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo! I-- [ Yelling ] [Grunting, Groaning] [Groaning] [ Moaning ] Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! [ Siren Blaring ] [Yelling, Groaning] Ahh-- Ow! Hmm.
That still wouldn't explain what I'm seeing here.
- You look familiar.
Have we met before? - Um-- Clear! Clear! Doctor, he's gone.
Oh! This is the part of the job I hate.
[ Gasps ] You're a veterinarian? That's right.
And for an extra $20 I'll give Homer a tick bath and then spay him.
- Here you go, Doc.
- Bart! Shop around.
You can't beat that price.
You guys must have been pretty worried about me? Hey, we know you're tough, Dad.
Remember that time you got lost in the forest? This is a trap.
It's gonna catch us our dinner.
Come on, boy.
Shh! Just watch.
Ooh! Aha! Got 'em! [Thud] Okay, okay.
This time I'll just go into the bushes over there make a lot of noise and flush out a rabbit.
- And when he comes out, you step on him.
- Right, Dad.
- [Chittering] - Ahh! Get 'em off me! Get 'em off me! Get 'em off me! - [ Yelling ] - [ Growling, Chittering ] It's true.
You have good coping skills.
Your burgers are getting cold, guys-- Holy Moly! [ Screaming ] - [ Screaming ] - [ Screaming ] Huh? And there's one Itchy and Scratchy cartoon I don't think we'll ever forget.
[ Screams ] - Why'd you bring that up? - It was an amusing episode of our lives.
Thanks for coming to visit me, Moe.
- I, uh, brought you a little present.
- No! No! Beer bring pain! I can't stand to see him like this! - [ Yelling ] - [ Muffled Yelling ] [ Grunting ] He really needs a girlfriend.
Oh, Marge, what if I wind up as some vegetable watching TV on the couch? My important work will never be completed.
Society's loss, I suppose.
But our marriage has been through hard times, and we always pull through.
Huh? Huh? Hmm? Marge! What a lovely surprise.
- You're here to see me, right? - Of course.
- [Men Cheering, Applauding] - [ Kiss ] Hey, way to go, Homer! Way to go! Hey, what'll I tell the boss? Tell him I'm going to the backseat of my car with the woman I love and I won't be back for 1 0 minutes! [Cheering, Applauding] - You can do it, Homer.
- I can't.
[ Sighs ] He just won't budge.
I've tried everything.
Nothing can reach him.
Mmm! [ Barks, Whimpering ] Wow! Chocolate.
[ Moaning ] Chocolate.
[Moaning] [ Growls, Yelling ] Can't breathe.
Sweet chocolate cutting off air.
[ Gagging ] Mmm! Nuts.
[ Gagging ] [Gagging Continues] [Swallows] Oh, yeah! Poor Homer.
This world was never meant for one as beautiful as you.
[ Drooling ] [ Yells ] Kill it! Kill it! - Grampa, please.
He's in a coma.
- Coma? Pfftt.
Why, I go in and out of comas all the-- [ Snores ] French toast, please.
- Is a coma painful? - Oh, heck no! You relive long-lost summers, kiss girls from high school.
It's like one of those TV shows where they show a bunch of clips from old episodes.
Yeah, well, anyway, I wonder what he's thinking now? [ Snoring ] This man is costing my health plan $5,000 a day.
I demand that he die with dignity.
- [ Grunts ] - Now, look, I'm the doctor here.
Well, I demand a second opinion.
- Hi, everybody! - [ All ] Hi, Dr.
- [ Whimpers ] - Oh, dear.
I see no signs of life.
-Just to be safe, we better pull the plug.
- Yoink! Mr.
Burns, how can you be so coldhearted? You have no idea, woman, what that man's put me through.
Burns, I need to borrow some money.
- Oh, please, do go on.
- I know you're a good man.
And I have a dog that's very sick.
Oh, please, continue.
I thought maybe you-- Oh.
- Well, thanks for your time.
I have an unorthodox solution-- a fantastic voyage, if you will.
[ Chuckles ] Three scientists-- one a beautiful woman-- will be shrunk to microscopic size.
- They will then rendezvous in Mr.
Simpson's lower colon.
- [ All ] Ew! Well, we have had a little trouble finding volunteers.
[ Chuckles ] I wish I'd gotten to know you better, Dad.
But there were times when we really connected.
[Saxophone] Hi, Dad.
Want me to cut out this infernal racket? - Oh, let me hear you play.
- Why? Does a father have to explain? Let's just share your gift, okay? [ Blues ] Oh.
[ Sobbing ] - [ Upbeat Jazz ] - Huh? Yeah! That's more like it! Ho ho.
Whoo! [ Singing ] [Singing Continues] I wrote this for you, Dad.
[ Mellow Jazz ] Dad, I'm so sorry.
I know I haven't been a perfect kid.
- [Rumbling] - [ Gasps ] - Why, you little-- - [ Action Movie Theme ] What the-- D'oh! - [Horn Honking] - [ Laughing ] [Jabbering Incoherently] I know that I got you mad once in a while.
D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! And sometimes I got into trouble.
[Clanking] - Bart, you can't go on like this.
- I know.
[ Coughs ] But you always looked out for me.
[Marge]Homer, it's really coming down! Could you check on the boys? - [ Thunderclap ] - They're fine.
And no matter what happens, I'll never forget the advice you gave me.
Now come on, you're gonna learn how to shave.
And finally, the little spot under your nose.
Next, we take some toilet paper tear off some teensy little squares and stick one there and there and anyplace you're bleeding.
There and there.
The blood'll hold it right on your face.
And now, some aftershave.
[ Yelling ] Son of a-- Ohh! And that's how we shave.
Dad, it's all my fault.
I shook up that can of beer.
It was just an April Fools' joke.
[ Beeping ] [ Growling ] [ Beeping Faster] - Why, you little-- - [ Gagging ] - Homie, you're all right! - We're a family again! - [ Gagging ] - [ Growling ] This calls for a celebration.
- We're all going to Hawaii.
- [ All Gasping ] [ Laughing ] Gotcha! It's April Fools' for two more minutes.
Dad, it's May 1 6.
You were in that coma for seven weeks.
[ All Laughing ] You lost five percent of your brain.
Me lose brain? Uh-oh! [ All Laughing ] Why I laugh? - [ People Chattering ] - Shh!