Here is a great collection of Simpsons Scripts . My grand momma loves to read these on the potty.
The Simpsons Episode Scripts
9F08 - Lisa's First Word
Rogers says it all the time.
- He does not.
- Maggie, can you say "Daddy"? Daddy.
Did you hear that? She said "burlap".
I don't think so.
Oh, Maggie, when are you going to talk? Well, don't push her.
Remember 'Tis better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.
" What does that mean? You better say something, or they'll think you're stupid.
Takes one to know one! Swish! According to Fretful Mother Magazine if Maggie doesn't talk by age one we should consider a corrective tongue extender.
- Hey, what was my first word? - Uh, well-- Whoa! - Yes.
�Aye carumba! You know, I don't think I remember.
But the story of Lisa's first word is very cute.
- Tell it, Mom.
- Yeah, tell it, Mom.
Well, this story begins in that unforgettable spring of 1 983.
Pac-Man struck a blow for women's rights.
A young Joe Piscopo taught us how to laugh.
Before Lisa was born, we lived in a tiny apartment on the Lower East Side of Springfield.
Chipwich for sale! Chocolate chip or oatmeal raisin! Chipwich for sale! - Youse guys wanna play stickball? - Soitenly.
- Yeah, sure.
- Over here.
Did you girls watch the last episode of MASH? That Mike Farrell really boils my "potata.
" I miss-a da Klinger already.
Homer! Homer is what grown-ups call me.
Call me Daddy.
Da-- Da-- Da-- - Yes? - Domer.
Why, you little-- Aah! Ah, he'll tire himself out soon.
Then the prince and the princess got married and lived happily ever after.
- Then what happened? - Uh-- They had 30 sons and 30 daughters.
What were their names? Dennis, Brianna Mavis, Brad-- No, this is true.
The Coast Guard arrested Boy George for scraping the barnacles off his dinghy.
- Hi-yo! - Hi-yo! Got your nose.
Got your wallet.
No! Bart, don't you ever do that again.
Guess what, Homie? There's going to be twice as much love in this house as there is now.
- We're gonna start doin' it in the morning? - No! - Oh.
- We're going to have another baby.
Marge, that's-- Bye-bye, keys.
Hear that, Bart? You're going to have a little brother or sister to play with.
- Who did this? - Baby.
I'm afraid we're going to need a bigger place.
No, we won't.
I've got it all figured out.
The baby can have Bart's crib and Bart can sleep with us until he's 21 .
- Won't that warp him? - My Cousin Frank did it.
You don't have a Cousin Frank.
He became Francine back in '76.
Then he joined that cult.
I think his name is Mother Shabubu now.
That afternoon, we left Bart with my sisters and went house-hunting.
Hey, Bart, want a dollar? Ah, ah, ah.
You know what I wanna hear.
- Oh, yeah.
- Love that spout medley.
Simpson the only houses I have in your price range are in the neighborhood colorfully referred to as the "Rat's Nest.
" This one just came on the market.
Oh, dear! Now, here we have beautiful Hardwood floors, track lighting-- What's that stench? Once you get used to the smell of melted hog fat you'll wonder how you ever did without it.
- Let's keep looking.
Do you smell something? Arr! Why buy a house when ye can buy a houseboat? Excuse me.
Don't forget to check out the galley.
That's real shag carpeting.
Arr! Once we get the cats out, it won't be too bad.
Actually, according to the will, the cats own the house.
You'd be their tenants.
I wish we lived in the kitty house.
I could've trained them to be my unholy army of the night.
Go, my pretties.
Kill! Kill! We were about to give up, when we found a house that was perfect.
Just imagine what we can do with this place.
How much? How much? Well, here's what they're asking.
Oh, I can't afford that! - Dad, I have a problem.
- Why'd you come to me? I don't know nothin'.
I used to get by on my looks.
Now they're gone, withered away like an old piece of fruit.
- Are you done? - No, not yet.
I was voted the handsomest boy in Albany, New York.
Dad, I don't need advice.
I need $1 5,000 to buy a home.
Oh! Well, all I own is this house that I built with my own two hands.
You didn't build this house.
You won it on a crooked '50s game show.
I ratted on everybody and got off scot-free.
Ha-ha! All right, son.
I'll sell this dump and write you a check.
Dad, first you gave me life.
Now you've given me a home for my family.
I'd be honored If you came to live with us.
So how long before you shipped Grampa off to the old folks' home? About three weeks.
Maggie, I'll give you this cookie If you talk.
What? What? D'oh! All right, you win round seven.
When are we gonna get to my first word? - Your what what? - My first word! Eh, you don't wanna hear that story.
I know! I'll tell you about the time I got locked in the bank vault with Mr.
- It was another one of my harebrained schemes.
- Dad! Wait a minute.
That was The Lucy Show.
Okay, where were we? Mom was preggers, and Dad just threw all our money down the sinkhole.
I remember the day we moved in.
Hey, Homer, this house sucks.
Bart, I told you not to use that word.
Call me "Daddy".
Bart! Buenos d�as, neighboritos.
The handle's Flanders, but my friends call me Ned.
- Hi, Flanders.
- Who the hell are you? My name's Todd.
Would you be my friend? You're funny.
- If you need anything, just give a whistle.
- I could use a TV tray.
- Well, gee, I-- - What? I just this minute bought it at the hardware-- You said anything.
Well, sure, you can borrow it for a little while.
And that "little while" is now eight years and counting.
Anyway, Bart had just entered the terrible twos.
Hello? Honey? Honey, honey, honey? Could you please be quiet? Bart, get out! It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child but some how I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.
Hey, kids! Summer's just around the corner, and Krusty Burger is the official meat-flavored sandwich of the 1 984 Olympics! Coochy coochy coo! - Krusty funny.
It's all a part of our Krusty Burger Olympic Sweepstakes.
just scratch off the name of the Olympic event on your game card and if America wins a gold medal you win a free Krusty Burger! Mmm, mmm, mmm! - And cut! - Blah! I almost swallowed some of the juice.
I'll be tasting that for weeks.
- Great spot, K.
C! - Put a sock in it, preppy.
How much are these free burgers gonna cost me? Not to worry, Mr.
" We've rigged the cards.
They're all in events that Communists never lose.
This just came over the wires, Big "K.
unopposed in most events.
" How does this affect our giveaway? Let's see.
You personally stand to lose Oy! Bart, from now on, the baby sleeps in the crib.
Crib! Crib! I'm a baby! All right, I know how to handle this.
just use a little reverse psychology.
Let's go, Marge.
Leave the baby with his little crib.
Simpson, you're a genius.
I know you like clowns, so I made you this bed.
Now you can laugh yourself to sleep.
If you should die before you wake-- Can't sleep.
Clown'll eat me.
Clown'll eat me.
Oh, Doctor! We are seconds away from the hundred-meter butterfly.
And with the East German-- women shaving their backs the Americans are heavy favorites.
Patience, my pet.
And the Americans jump out to an early lead.
Although we should point out that many of the other women represent countries that don't have swimming pools.
Boohoo! You're breakin' my heart.
Homie, I think the baby's coming.
A baby and a free burger.
Could this be the best day of my life? Coming up next, an hour-long episode of Mama's Family.
Yes! We'll take good care of your boy, Simpson.
- Enjoy the miracle of creation! - Shut up, Flanders.
So, kids, what do you wanna play? Good Samaritan! - I get to clothe the leper! - Lucky! - Suppertime, boys.
- Oh, boy! Liver! Iron helps us play! I wanna go home.
No, I don't.
Where? Ouch! Ouch! Pa, can ya help me with my sums? Oh, Bart, you met Grandma Flanders.
- Hope she didn't scare ya.
- Hello, Joe! Little Lisa.
I've already started you a college fund at Lincoln Savings and Loan.
According to this magazine, Bart might be jealous of her.
Yeah, well, Bart can kiss my hairy yellow butt.
From now on, the baby sleeps in the crib.
Iron helps us play! - Hello, Joe! - From now on, the baby sleeps in the crib.
Iron helps us play! - Hello, Joe! - Bart? There's someone in here who wants to meet you.
Well, Bart, what do you think of little Lisa? I hate you.
I saved this newspaper from the day Lisa was born.
"Mondale to Hart: Where's the Beef?" "Where's the beef?" What the hell's that supposed to mean? "Where's the beef?" No wonder he won Minnesota.
Everyone agreed that Lisa was a beautiful baby.
Here she is! Isn't that cute? She's coughing.
I'm gonna give her a kiss.
- I know a new song.
- You still here? Um, uh-- You already sang that part.
The older they get, the cuter they ain't.
Hey, the baby just spit up.
Welcome back to the final day of this-- the 23rd Olympiad, brought to you by Krusty Burger.
You people are pigs! I personally am gonna spit in every 50th burger.
- I like those odds.
- In a moment we'll look at the courageous Korean gymnast Kim Huyang who made a perfect dismount on what was later revealed to be a broken leg.
Ouch! But first, let's go to the boxing venue.
Please, please, please, please, please! The American, Drederick Tatum does a triumphant turkey trot over the supine Swede.
One's thoughts turn to Alexander of Macedon's victory at Granicus and Issus.
A! Carl Lewis, I could kiss you! She has the reflexes of a young Mary Lou Retton.
- Have a "wowwipop.
" - Can I have a lollipop? Oh, Bart, I'm afraid that was the last one.
But I've got something even better for you-- a rubella inoculation.
I wanna hold the baby.
I wanna hold the baby.
I'm sorry, Bart.
You're too little.
Here, Bart, you can hold my beer.
- Homer! - What? Good night, honey.
Lisa, time for your feed-- Who's cuter now? She started it.
Squeal on me.
Your son shoved this through our doggie door.
And since we're returning your second-born you think you could see your way to returning my TV tray-- Boy, you get over to the corner and you-- Yeah.
I liked it when it was me, Mom and Homer.
You wrecked everything.
- What did you say? - Bart? - Sufferin' succotash! - You can talk! - Goo.
Mom, Dad, she can talk! Say it again, Lise.
Bart, Bart, Bart, Bart, Bart.
- I'm her first word! Well, I'm not surprised.
Lisa's crazy about you.
She thinks you hung the moon.
Wow! Lisa, can you say "Mommy"? - Mommy.
- Can you say "David Hasselhoff"? Dave Hassahoff.
- Can you say "Daddy"? - Homer.
- No, sweetie.
D'oh! - I was sitting there! - I don't see your name on it.
- It's right there.
- Bart, don't write on the rug.
Mom yelled at you.
- Did not.
- Did too.
You know, Maggie, the sooner kids talk, the sooner they talk back.
I hope you never say a word.