Here is a great collection of Simpsons Scripts . My grand momma loves to read these on the potty.
The Simpsons Episode Scripts
8F06 - Lisa's Pony
I broke my last saxophone reed.
I need a new one.
Isn't this something your mother's better at? I called her.
She's not home.
I also tried Mr.
Flanders, Aunt Patty, Aunt Selma, Dr.
Hibbert, Reverend Lovejoy and that nice man who caught the snake in our basement.
And after them out of all the people in the world you chose me.
Number 4�/ reed.
You're in for a whale of a show tonight.
The doors are now locked, so you parents can't sneak out after your own child has performed.
Let me caution the people in the first five rows-- You will get wet.
Just in the nick of-- Mmm.
I've only got five minutes till the music store closes.
Go there first.
Do I tell you what to do? Sorry, Homer.
Tip the glass.
This is a whole lot of nothing.
I'd rather watch the boilers.
Make sure you return those chairs to the cafeteria.
I'm not kidding.
Ah finished, with 1 5 seconds to spare.
Ah! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! What's the matter, buddy? The moron next door closed early.
I happen to be that moron.
Oh, me and my trenchant mouth! Oh, terrible,just terrible.
They seem to get worse every year.
Ha, ha, ha! Wonderful! This is the best batch we've ever had.
And now, here's Bart Simpson the boy of a thousand voices.
I'd like to open with my impression of Principal Skinner.
Duh, look at me.
I'm Principal Skinner.
That young man just became the boy of a thousand days detention.
I wonder what lunch lady Doris has for us today.
Today's special is refried dog poop.
Please! You've got to open that store.
Let me think about it.
Okay, but I want you to see a picture of the little girl you're disappointing.
Well, I don't have one.
I pulled you out of that burning car.
Okay, but now we're even.
What does your daughter need? I wrote it down.
''Number Number 4�/--'' Stupid gum! ''Number 4�/ reed.
'' Whoo-hoo! Mm-hmm.
What instrument does she play? I don't know.
Mom, where is he? If I don't get that reed, I'll sound terrible.
Don't worry, honey.
I'm sure your father is maybe-- No.
That's a long shot.
He'll be here.
- Clarinet? Oboe? - No.
- Saxophone? - No.
What was that last one? Saxophone.
Hmm Lisa, stop playing that stupid-- Saxophone! That's it! Alto or tenor? D'oh! This act is over! Well, ladies and gentlemen I'd like to put this filth behind us and let's all enjoy Lisa Simpson's rendition of''Stormy Leather.
'' Uh, ''Weather.
'' Sounds like that gopher I caught in me lawn mower.
Ew, I'd hate to be that kid's father.
That will do.
It's not my fault.
It's the reed.
Oh, yes, of course.
It's the reed.
Let's hear it for Lisa Simpson and her wacky sax.
Yeah! Whoo! Must be her father.
Whoo, yeah Who ordered a Mount Bellyache? I ordered it for my little girl.
Oh! That cost $88! I don't feel much like eating.
Look, I let you down and I apologize.
I know that doesn't make it right.
I hope you can forgive me.
I forgive you.
D'oh! You didn't mean that.
No, I didn't.
Look, Homer Lisa's taking her first steps.
You're taping it? Yes.
I'll watch it later.
The plane, the plane! No, my freakish little friend.
Did you hear that, Homer? Marge, please-- I'm busy.
No wonder she hates me.
Oh, I never even noticed she was alive.
If you want to make up with Lisa spend some time with her.
Ohh! Okay! Ahh! Maybe I should give up on Lisa and make a fresh start with Maggie.
Stop looking for the quick fix.
If you keep spending time with Lisa, she'll forgive you.
If I spend any more time doing girl things I'm going to, you know, go fruity.
No, you were right the first time with that quick fix idea.
Let's see-- quick fix, quick fix.
I'll buy her that pony she's always bugging me for.
We can't afford it.
With today's gasoline prices, we can't afford not to.
When I look in Lisa's eyes I don't see love.
That's no reason to buy a pony.
When you yell at me, I see love in your eyes.
Stick to the subject.
# Uh-huh you love me # Let's be realistic.
A pony is expensive.
We have enough trouble paying bills as it is.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Promise me you won't buy a pony.
Was that a yes or a no? Baa.
Those aren't even words.
Oh, my, what's that smell? Oh, it's you.
Do you sell ponies? Sure, pal.
''Scottish Deer Hound.
'' Hey, this is a dog! My friend, you're smarter than I gave you credit for.
I suggest you try the pony farm on Route 401 .
Merely take a left at the rendering plant.
Lady, I'm buying a pony for my little girl and I don't care what it costs.
That stunning creature over there is half a million dollars.
Half a million dollars?! He was sired by Seattle Slew.
His mother won the Kentucky Derby.
His likeness graces a stamp in Tanzania.
Simpson, do you have half a million dollars? Sure, let me write you a check.
Simpson this check is dated January 1 , 2054.
Is there a problem with that? Our ponies start at $5,000 cash.
Isn't there like a pound where you can pick up cheap ponies that ran away from home? I sincerely hope not.
I'd like to borrow $5,000.
I can't approve a loan that size myself.
'' How can I help you? Mr.
Burns, you do this personally? It's a hobby.
I'm not in this for personal gain.
Are you acquainted with our state's stringent usury laws? Usury? Silly me.
I made up a word that doesn't exist.
What is the purpose of this loan? I want to buy a pony.
Isn't that cute? He's planning on joining the horsey set.
That is it, isn't it? You're not planning to eat it? It's for my little girl because she doesn't love me.
Shut up, Simpson.
You have any collateral? Smithers, let's not be so cold.
His spirit is my collateral.
Just sign this form and the money will be yours.
Sorry, I was just thinking of something funny Smithers did today.
I didn't do anything funny, sir.
Simpson are you quite sure you know how to take care of a pony? Of course.
Simpson, you've done it again.
Oh! I love you, Dad! Mmmmm.
I am very upset with you.
Sounds like someone's angling for a pony of her own.
How come Lisa gets a pony? She stopped loving me.
So get me a moped.
I know you love me, so you don't get squat.
Snowball II, Santa's Little Helper-- This is Princess.
Please don't exclude her because she's different.
Where were you planning to keep this horse? I've got it figured out.
By day, it will roam free around the neighborhood and at night, it will nestle snugly between the cars in our garage.
Dad, no! That's illegal.
That's for the courts to decide.
Marge, she loves me.
Dad, I think Princess belongs in a stable.
Stable? That sounds expensive.
This is what love costs a month? These are standard fees, Mr.
Plus, I'm teaching your daughter riding, grooming and at no extra charge, pronunciation.
You've made me the happiest girl who ever lived.
What do I do? What do I do? If you want to go right move the joystick left.
Move the-- What's a joystick? Oh, oh! Here comes a Xylon cruiser! Go into hyperspace! Wait! Where's the hyperspace? Grandpa, you're the spaceship.
I thought I was this guy.
- Oh! - Oh! Game's over.
I got down on the floor for this?! Wait, Dad.
I've got something for you.
I was hoping it would be money.
We're in serious trouble here.
We're just going to have to cut down on luxuries.
Well, we're always buying Maggie vaccinations for diseases she doesn't even have.
We could cut down on beer.
We're not going to do that.
Then there's no choice but to give up the pony.
First you didn't want the pony.
Now you want me to take it back.
Make up your mind.
Homer! Lisa loves me.
The pony stays.
You got us into this.
You get us out.
There's plenty of money out there for a guy who's willing to work.
Do you have any jewelry you don't need? Mmmmm.
You're so beautiful.
Oh, you haven't touched your salt lick.
Good salt lick.
Here you go.
Two liberty bells.
Come on, come on, come on-- Oh.
Yes! Whoo-whoo! Three liberty bells! That will be $1 0,000, Apu.
If I could see the ticket-- There it is.
Please to be removing your thumb.
I must insist.
You can't see-- Yes, I must-- No! Let go! You're ripping it.
Homer what has reduced you to such cheap chicanery? Oh I need money.
If you need money you should have jammed a gun in my ribs or inquire about my help wanted sign.
You need help? Someone for the demanding high profile midnight to 8:00 a.
I'm your man.
I dreamed of the day one of you would work for me.
She certainly tamed that horse.
But what man can tame her? I won't lie to you.
On this job, you will be shot at.
Each bullet wound is a badge of honor.
''Badge of honor''-- Here's a pointer.
Try taking it in the shoulder.
These hot dogs have been here for three years.
They are strictly ornamental.
There is only one bozo who comes in and buys them.
But I eat-- Oh.
The perfect crime.
Homer, where have you been all night? I was so worried.
Let's go in the other room.
I did something I'm ashamed of.
The kids can't hear it.
I'll work midnight to 8:00.
Come home, sleep five minutes eat breakfast, sleep six minutes, shower.
I have ten minutes to bask in Lisa's love Then I'm off to the power plant, fresh as a daisy.
Oh, my God, she killed him.
Homer! Are you stealing Squishies? No, sir.
This next song is also about a girl and her pony.
It's called ''Wildfire.
'' Come on, Apu, honey, loosen up.
Ohh! I'm sorry, baby.
While I'm here with you my store is going down the tubes.
Three dollars and 51 52 53 cents.
Homer, you are asleep at your post! Go change the expiration dates on the dairy products.
Homie, how long do you plan to do this? I don't know.
How long do horses live? D'oh.
Must monitor core.
Hello? I called to say I love you.
When is she going to stop loving me? I heard Milli Vanilli was arrested for impersonating a McNugget.
Well, it's still fun to be up late.
Hey, Homer, where you going? Going for eight-hour walk.
Homer sleep now.
What's wrong with Dad? He's just exhausted.
Lisa, do you know what it costs to keep a pony? No.
Well, it's a lot.
Your father had to take a second job.
Where's he working? The Kwik-E mart.
I hope you realize that your father can't keep this up.
You're making me give up Princess? We can't make you.
I can make her.
Give me five minutes alone with her.
No one's making her.
Lisa has to decide for herself.
All the years I've lobbied to be treated like an adult have blown up in my face.
Hey! When I ordered that blueberry Squishy, I meant today.
Coming right up, sir.
And fill it to the top time.
She likes a little carrot after her oats and she likes it when you scratch her behind the ear.
She likes contemporary adult radio in the morning and easy listening at night.
Please take good care of my Princess.
Although there is no change in my patrician facade my heart is breaking.
I'll never forget you.
What the? You call this melted cheese receptacle clean? The young man you replaced is rolling over in his grave.
You don't have to do this.
Yes, I do.
You see, Lisa grown-ups have a thing called money.
Dad, I understand the sacrifice you've made for me.
That's why I gave up the pony.
You did? There's a big dumb animal I love more than that horse.
What is it, a hippopotamus? I mean you, you dummy.
Apu, you can take this job and restaff it.
Giddy-up, Dad! He slept, he stole he was rude to the customers.
Still, there goes the best damned employee a convenience store ever had.