Here is a great collection of Simpsons Scripts . My grand momma loves to read these on the potty.
The Simpsons Episode Scripts
7F23 - When Flanders Failed
The weed-whacker's just for the edges.
You'll be out here all day.
I'm almost done.
You are a picture and a half.
If you're finished by tomorrow, come on over and we'll put the heat to the meat.
Nummy-nummy-num! I'll be there! Notty-notty-not.
''The Flanders are having a beef-a-thon! Incredible Nedibles! Maudacious vittles!'' I think it means he's having a barbecue.
Why doesn't he just say so?! He's trying to be friendly.
If you gave Ned Flanders a chance-- I don't care if he is the nicest guy in the world.
He's a jerk.
End of story.
We can't hold it against him just because he has things better than we do.
Excuse me? Better? Thanks a lot, Marge.
You put me in my place.
Oh, Homer It's worth feeling three inches tall to find out what kind of person you are Marge Simpson, president of the ''We Love Flanders'' fan club.
Fee, fi, fo, fum! I smell the potatoes au gratin of Marge Simpson.
Mm-mm-mm-mmm! Hi, Ned.
Um Homer sends his apologies but, um there was some important work at the plant that only he could take care of.
We now return to the Canadian Football League draft.
And so, the Rough Riders who scored only four rouges all last season,Jack Stupid Flanders.
Go ahead, Marge.
Have a ball.
What if they came back and I was dead from not eating? They'd cry their eyes out.
''We should have never gone to the Flanders'.
''Why did we go to the Flanders' and leave Homer alone with no food?'' And I'd be laughing-- Laughing from my grave.
Heh, heh, heh.
What is it, boy? What? Mmm.
Hey, I'm back.
Nice seeing you.
Hey! Oh! Hey, hey, Homer! Ahmmffluhff Inside.
Thanks for coming.
Nuh-uh! No electricity.
Only in freeze tag.
Now you're it! Hey! No tag-backs! Yeah, you cheater.
You lie like a fly with a booger in its eye.
The fly was funny.
The booger was the icing on the cake.
Friends, we love you all but I also have a sinister motive for asking you all here ''sinister'' being Latin for left-handed.
But enough joking.
That was a joke? Friday, I'm saying toodle-loo to the pharmaceutical game.
- What's he talking about? - Leaving? No, I kid you not.
Here's the noose I had to wear for ten years.
What are you going to do? Like one out of every nine Americans I'm left-handed, and let me tell you it ain't all peaches and cream.
Your writing gets smeared.
Lord help you if you drive a standard transmission.
I'm opening up a one-stop store for southpaws.
Everything from left-handed apple peelers to left-handed scissors.
Going to call it ''The Leftorium.
'' So, Homer, I'm dying to know what do you think ofThe Leftorium? It sounds like a pretty dumb idea to me.
I know it's a little risky and it's going to be a lot of hard work but it's going to be a lot of fun too.
Fun? Where is this store, Flanders? The merry old land of Oz? Oh, no.
The Springfield Mall.
Here, you two, make a wish.
Nah! - It's fun.
- No, it isn't.
You must have something you want to wish for.
Hmm, let's see Nah.
Hmm Hey! I've got an ambition to do some wishin'.
Keep your pants on, Flanders! I'm wishing as fast as I can! Ooh! Heh, heh, heh, heh.
Eh too far.
Hmm Okay, ready.
Yes! Oh, yes! Read it and weep! In your face! I've got more chicken bone! What did you wish for? No! Don't say.
Otherwise, it won't come true.
Ooh, that would be a shame.
Wouldn't it, Flanders? Mmm.
# Dum-da-dah # D'oh! Bart how many hours a day do you watch TV? Six.
Seven if there's something good on.
Don't you think you should get a little fresh air? Yeah, but what are you going to do? TV gives so much and asks so little.
It's a boy's best friend.
That's the problem.
Even as we speak millions of children are staring at the TV instead of getting some much-needed exercise.
Those children's parents should be ashamed of themselves.
Hello, I am Akira.
Huahh!! That didn't hurt very much because I know the ancient art of karate.
Karate focuses the mind and gives one self-confidence.
People from all walks of life: - doctors -Hi-yaah!! - homemakers - Hu-yaah!! - landscape architects - Huhh-yah!! - choreographers - Haww.
High karate at low, low prices.
I cannot tell a lie.
This is a great deal.
Hohh! Hey, Mom, how about if I learn karate? Will that make you happy? That sounds fine.
See, you knock TV, and then it helps you out.
I think you owe somebody a little apology.
Well, if it isn't The Leftorium.
Hey, Flanders, how's business? Oh, a little pokey but things are going to pick up.
Oh! I am so sorry.
How much do I owe you? Now that was an accident.
Really? Well, thanks.
Could you validate my parking? Absitively posolutely.
So, Flanders, have you sold anything? Not yet, but one of the mall security guards took a long look at a left-handed ice cream scoop.
Greetings, I am Akira your guide on the path to true karate.
And this is our map, The Art of War by Sun Tzu.
It will teach us our most important lesson.
We learn karate, so we need never use it.
Um I already know how not to hit a guy.
Can we break out the nunchukus? Yes, the impetuousness of youth.
For now, let us read.
When do we break blocks of ice with our heads? First you must fill your head with wisdom.
Yo, Sensei, can I go to the bathroom? You can if you believe you can.
Pay money to read books.
The hell with this.
Touch of Death! Touch of Death! Hah, hah, hah! I'm telling you.
Flanders' store was dee-serted.
What do you think of your bestest buddy now? Dad, do you know what ''schadenfreude'' is? No, I do not know what ''schadenfreude'' is.
Please tell me because I'm dying to know.
It's German for ''shameful joy--'' taking pleasure in others' suffering.
I'm just glad to see him fall flat on his butt.
He's usually all happy and comfortable and surrounded by loved ones, and it makes me feel-- What's the opposite of that ''shameful joy'' thing of yours? Sour grapes.
Those Germans have a word for everything.
What did you learn in karate school? Yeah, this better be worth my ten bucks.
Uh I learned the Touch of Death.
Ooh, the Touch of Death.
Permit me to demonstrate.
Lisa, shut your eyes.
Soon you will be at peace.
Hey, quit it, Bart.
Quit it! Quit it! Quit it! Mom!! Don't use the Touch of Death on your sister.
Uh-oh! Got to get back to karate class.
Missed a spot.
Step aside, lady.
How was class? We learned how to rip a man's heart out and show it to him before he dies.
That will learn them.
What did you swipe? An ''I Love Lefty'' glass.
Left-handed pinking shears.
Pinking shears? Let's go to the food court and steal some baked potatoes.
Hey, Flanders, when are your busy hours? I expect things to pick up soon.
I think word of mouth is starting to spread.
I hear you validate parking tickets without purchase.
Oh, right as rain.
Or as we say around here, ''left as rain.
'' Just stamp it.
Hey, Homer, how's your neighbor's store doing? Lousy.
He just sits there all day.
He'd have a great job if he didn't own the place.
Crummy right-handed corkscrews.
What does he sell? Uh well, actually, Moe, uh I don't know.
Lise, change the channel.
You change it.
Ooowaaah Okay, okay.
I grow weary of this new channel.
Change it back.
But, Bart Eeeyaahhh Apple apple apple Come on, candy bar.
Hey, you're that first apple I didn't want.
That sinks it.
I'm really going to let them have it this time.
Simpson, put that box on Mr.
Chop-chop! Oh, look, Smithers.
Another member of our nuclear family with some helpful suggestions.
And what's your name? Homer Simpson, sir.
Simpson, eh? Mm-hmm.
I'm Monty Burns.
''Keep that handsome owner out of sight.
He's distracting the female employees.
'' Smithers? Got me, sir.
Oh, it's a real one.
''No more apples in the vending machine, please.
'' Well, that's almost a sentence.
Can I leave? Of course, and don't worry.
There will be plenty of apples for you.
Nobody will take away your precious apples.
The note was asking you to-- No, tell my secretary I said you could have a free apple.
She'll make everything all right.
Damned infernal gizmo.
My kingdom for a left-handed can opener! Uh, Mr.
Burns Come on, Homer.
Tell him about the store.
I'm dying out here.
Huh? Are you sure you're not interested? $200 is only the asking price.
Hey, I'm flexible.
You don't have to pay all at once.
I'll be here all night if you change your mind.
Hey, Flanders, is everything okay? Oh, yeah, sure.
See anything you like? Oh, it's not good enough for you but it's good enough for me? I wouldn't be caught dead buying this Hello.
Got your eye on the gas grill, huh? She's a butane beaut.
I'll give you 20.
Homer, I paid $300 for this just last year.
Take it or leave it.
Oh, Homer, be reasonable.
Sorry, no cash for Neddy.
Homer keep all money.
All right, Homer.
I don't want it.
What?! It was a passing fancy.
Although, if you threw in a few lawn chairs maybe that tool bench, it might rekindle my interest.
Care for a steakarooni? Sounds scrum-diddley-umptious, dear old duddely-doodely.
[ Homer] Duddely-doodely.
This is the Flanders' living room set.
What did you pay for this? Only 7 5 beans.
$7 5? Ned must be desperate.
I'm sure you did nothing to discourage this you scavenger of human misery.
Hey! Keep your hands off my china hutch.
I'm Chuck Ellis from the Springfield Collection Agency and I'm here to ask you why you don't think you need to pay your bills? Oh, I know I need to pay them, but there's just so many.
Do you feel good owing money? We've been very patient with you, Mr.
I know, but-- Wait a minute.
I'm Homer Simpson.
Ned Flanders lives over there.
Flanders is in debt? Are you sure? We don't make mistakes.
Damned right-handed ledgers.
I can't write in these things.
There's a store You're Homer Simpson? See you Thursday.
D'oh! Knock 'em dead, boy.
Kid's going to be a black belt in no time.
Ohhh Check out the saxophone.
Pretty boss but something's stuck on it.
Hey! Hey, look at me.
I'm Elvis, man! Give that back! That to me! If you want it, take it.
This time, we're really going to give it to you.
Hey, stop that! Hey, Lise, something wrong? Not anymore! You punks are about to get a taste of your own medicine.
This is my brother, and he knows karate.
Oh, we're real scared.
Please don't hurt us, Bart.
What are you going to do? Throw your diapers at us? Just keep laughing.
It only makes him madder.
Start them off with the Touch of Death and go from there.
I think they've learned their lesson, Lise.
We want to see the Touch of Death.
Come on, Karate Kid.
It's funny how two wrongs sometimes make a right.
Homer over here.
Flanders, I want to give you your stuff back.
Well, there's no house to put it in, Homer.
Not since that nice fellow from the bank-- who was only doing his job-- came and locked it up.
You're living in your car? Oh, no.
It's just a camp-out tonight then off to my sister's apartment in Capital City.
What do you think, kids? The big city.
Todd, I want to talk to your Uncle Homer.
You're head of the car till I get back.
Listen to that singing.
Those poor fools.
Homer, I'm ruined.
At times like these I used to turn to the Bible and find solace but even the Good Book can't help me now.
Why not? I sold it to you for seven cents.
You know, ever since that barbecue nothing's gone right.
It's like there's been a curse on me.
It's all my fault.
No, it's not.
Yes, it is.
You tried to warn me about gambling my family's future on some pig in a poke.
I didn't listen.
Homer, you were a true friend.
No, I was a swine.
Do you still have that store? For two more days.
Then it becomes Libertarian Party headquarters.
I hope they have better luck.
You open that store tomorrow.
Homer, there's no point.
I said do it! Hello,Jerry? Homer Simpson.
Remember last month when I paid back that loan? Well, now I need you to do a favor for me.
A left-handed corkscrew? Oh, baby.
''Kiss me-- I'm left-handed?'' That's a classic.
Whoa! It's Homer Simpson.
Tell him I went out.
He needs you to help Ned Flanders.
Ned is in trouble?! Smithers, I'm licked.
You open this can.
Okay, but you softened it up for me.
Hold it, Smithers.
I'll open the can.
But, sir, how? To the mall! I'll explain on the way.
Hurry, Neddy, hurry.
Oh, golly, it's a miracle.
Come on, lefties.
What did I tell you? Homer? It's all here, and it's all backwards.
The worm has turned, has it not, my tin-plated friend? Look at you-- You who were once so proud.
Feel the wrath of the left hand of Burns.
My life today.
Wow! What an icebreaker.
Now, I can write all the way to the edge.
Aha! Left-handed nunchukas.
Wow! The boys at the Diners Club will think I've gone quite mad.
Oh, I'll have that roadster as well.
Huzzah for the shopkeep.
Huzzah! Homer, affordable tract housing made us neighbors but you made us friends.
To Ned Flanders the richest left-handed man in town.
Everybody! - Shh!