Here is a great collection of Simpsons Scripts . My grand momma loves to read these on the potty.
The Simpsons Episode Scripts
7F11 - One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish
Isn't there anything faster than a microwave? Four.
Bing! We have meat loaf! Get it while it's hot, kids.
I've got a dried-out end piece with your name on it.
Meat loaf night.
As it was, is now, and ever shall be.
-Get to the point.
-You want me to be open-minded -try new things, live life-- -Who said that? Nobody wants that.
-Shut up! -Tomorrow night it would be nice -to go out for dinner.
-Friday? Pork chop night? We haven't missed pork chop night since the pig scare in '87! Pork chops.
From cradle to grave, etched in stone-- -Where do you wanna go? -Anywhere but hamburgers or pizza.
Fine! We'll go to Mars! -There's a new sushi place on Elm St.
-Sushi? Maybe this is a playground thing, but isn't that raw fish? The playground has the facts right but missed the point.
-Sushi is considered a delicacy.
-Can we try it? -No.
-This argument humiliates us both.
If I said no the first time, would I say yes the second time? -Maybe on the ninety-ninth time.
-Please, Dad? -No! -Please, Dad? -No! -Please, Dad? -Okay! Don't be alarmed.
They were saying hello.
Hello! This is our karaoke bar.
Now it is empty but soon it will be full of drunken Japanese businessmen.
I am Akira.
May I take your order? What do you suggest for a family unsure about being here? Sushi Surprise, a bit of everything.
-I'll have one.
-Make it two.
Akira, I'd like two sharks, an octopus and an eel.
-Do you have killer giant squid? -Not today.
Sir? It's hard to choose.
It all looks so terrible.
Bring me one of these, one of these and one of those.
-What do you think? -No! The squid looks like it's been hacked by a blind woodsman.
Hang your head in shame.
Good thing I'm open-minded.
Interesting! I'll try this little pink one here.
Very good! And another one.
Oh, boy! This fish is delish! Hi, my name is Richie Sakai.
I am an anesthesiologist.
I'd like to dedicate this song to my wife, Patty.
-And two of these things.
I don't believe I've tried the flying fish roll.
-I recommend the raw quail egg.
-You're the doctor! There's gotta be something I haven't tried.
What's this? Fugu! It's blowfish, sir.
But I should warn you that one-- Come on, pal.
Fugu me! -She's here! Cover for me.
If it's cut improperly-- -Yes, it's poisonous, maybe fatal.
-But cut properly, it's quite tasty.
-I must get the master.
Oh, Miss Krabappel, your hair smells so -clean.
-You're needed in the kitchen.
-I said cover for me, damn it! -Master, we need your skilled hands.
My skilled hands are busy! You do it! Poison.
Tasty fish! -Concentrate.
-I want fugu! Fan-fugu-tastic! Beautiful language, isn't it? -Don't eat another bite.
-I couldn't possibly.
I shall be blunt.
We have reason to believe you've eaten poison.
Poison! What should I do? Tell me quick! Don't panic.
There's a map to the hospital on the menu.
"Try something new.
How can it hurt you, Homer?" Never heard of a poisoned pork chop! Your wife agreed I should tell you.
No need, doc.
I can read Marge like a book.
-It's good news, isn't it? -No, Mr.
If you have consumed blowfish venom, and the chef said it's probable -you have 24 hours to live.
-24 hours? Well, 22.
I'm sorry I kept you waiting.
-I'm gonna die.
I'm gonna die! -I know.
One consolation is that you'll feel no pain until tomorrow evening when your heart explodes.
Death anxiety is normal.
Expect to go through five stages.
-No way! I'm not dying! -The second is anger.
-Why, you little--! -After that comes fear.
-What's after fear? -Bargaining.
-You gotta get me out of this.
-We all gotta go sometime.
Your progress astounds me.
I'll leave you two alone.
Perhaps this pamphlet will be helpful.
"So You're Going to Die.
" Hello, Marge.
Hello! I'm the one dying, not you.
I'm sorry, Homer.
-Have you thought of what to tell them? -Nothing, it'll just upset them.
I want my last hours of family life to be happy ones.
-You know what you wanna do tomorrow? -Almost.
Oh, good! I'm not done yet, Marge.
What's that word you use for when you and I? When we're intimate? "Be intimate with Marge.
" Can I make one suggestion? Can we get up early and watch the sunrise together? "Watch the sunrise.
" Till 6 a.
, my dearest darling, on my last day on Earth.
-Why did you let me sleep late? -You looked so peaceful.
There will be plenty of time for that! I got tons of stuff to do! "Have man-to-man with Bart.
" -Come here, boy.
I wanna have a heart-to-heart talk! After me, you're the man around the house.
So you have to help out-- Lisa never lifts a finger.
Go yell at her! Shut up! This is good stuff.
I wanna share something with you.
The three sentences to get you through life.
Number one: Cover for me.
Number two: Oh, good idea, boss! Three: It was like that when I got here.
-This is good stuff.
-Let's learn how to shave.
Finally, the little spot under your nose.
Next, we take some toilet paper tear off some little squares and stick one there and there, and any place you're bleeding.
The blood will hold it on your face.
And now, some aftershave.
You son of a--! And that's how we shave.
-You little-- -It was like that when I got here! That's my boy! "Listen to Lisa play her sax.
" Want me to cut out this infernal racket? -Let me hear you play.
-Why? Does a father have to explain? Let's just share your gift, okay? That's more like it! Oh, I want to be in that rumba When the saints go over there Oh, over there! "Make videotape for Maggie.
" What a surprise! We were just pulling taffy.
-The fun never stops here, does it? -No, sirree bob! -Flanders, can I borrow the camcorder? -Okey-dokel! Why don't you guys come over for a barbecue tomorrow? -No, thanks.
-We have a propane beauty -in the backyard.
-It's crying out to cook up good food! -Flanders, I said-- Tomorrow? Sure! What the hey? I'd love to come to your barbecue.
I'll even bring the thickest, juiciest T-bones you've ever seen.
Sounds terrif! The joke's on him! I'll be dead by then.
I am trying to.
Is that it? This is a videotape for my daughter, Maggie.
Hey, Maggie! I'm speaking to you from beyond the grave.
Hope that didn't scare you.
Maggie, you're grown-up now.
Unless you taped over this, you probably wonder about your dad.
He was a simple, kind and gentle man who loved his children and-- D'oh! Hello? Yeah, he's here.
Who is this? Milhouse? Bart! Get your butt down here! -Dad! -It's you.
What do you want? -We've never been close, have we? -Not to my knowledge.
Never went fishing, played catch or hugged.
We never danced the hootchy-koo either.
I just want you to know that I love you, Dad! -You do? -Uh-huh.
Oh, son, I love you too! How about a hug? -Dad! -Sonny boy! -Papa! -Junior! My old man.
I gotta go.
No! We've got a lot of catching up to do.
How about we go fishing? Gee.
If I wasn't on such a tight schedule.
Let's get some worms.
Well, no time for that.
I really wanted to do that one.
Gee, Dad, hog my last moments.
Just a quick game of hacky sack.
-I love you, son! -The old guy's a little love-starved.
Move, you hunk of junk! Gotta make up for lost time! D'oh! I'm sorry.
I know I was going too fast.
Just give me a ticket.
-Beg your pardon? -The ticket! -That sounded like an order.
-I pay my taxes.
They pay your salary.
When I say give me a ticket, just give me a ticket! -Maybe we don't wanna give it to you.
-Maybe we wanna haul your butt in.
Look what else your tax dollars pay for.
That's sort of nice.
What are you in for? Atmosphere.
You get one phone call.
I can't call Marge.
It's our last day together.
I can't drag her into this mess.
I'll call Barney.
Nobody's here! Nobody's here! Damn those answering machine tapes! Thanks! I just wasted my only call on your stupid-- I'm home! I'm home! -Hi! -Help me.
I'm in jail.
You are? Hey, Homer, go to the window.
Hey, neighbor! I can see you! -Get over here.
Bring 50 bucks for bail! -50 bucks? What did you do? Kill a judge? Where am I gonna get 50 bucks? Pizza! -Why are we all dressed up? -Sometimes it's fun to dress up.
-Why are we using the good china? -Sometimes it's fun to use it.
-Why candles? -Sometimes candles are fun.
-Why wait for Dad? -Because we love him -and we enjoy his company.
-Why are we really waiting for Dad? Forty-eight dollars and 70 cents.
We don't usually take rusty money.
You're dying and you wouldn't even stop to have a beer with your buddies? It was on my list with a lot of other things I didn't get to do today.
Hey, my boss! Check out the luscious pair on that redhead.
-That's it, baby.
Work those ankles! -Ring-a-ding-ding, sir.
-Burns! Eat my shorts! -Who the Sam hill was that? It's Homer Simpson.
One of the schmoes from sector 7-G.
I want him in my office at 9:00, Monday morning.
We'll see who eats whose shorts.
Of all the luck.
I almost died without telling the boss to eat my shorts.
Come on! You've got time for one last beer.
Please! I gotta call Marge.
Birthplace of the Rob Roy.
-Is Seymour there? Last name Butts.
-Just a sec.
Hey, is there a Butts here? A Seymour Butts? Hey, everybody.
I wanna Seymour Butts! Wait a minute.
You scum-sucking pus bucket! When I get you, I'm gonna pull out your eyeballs with a corkscrew! It was busy.
Moe, another last beer, please.
Guys, keep it down.
I've got some last words.
I never told you, but sometimes when I'm at work, I think of you and smile.
So often I think that-- Oh, words won't do it.
I love you, Moe! Not in public! -You'd better be dying! -I love you! -How European! -Come on! I gotta get home! -Faster! Faster! -I'm twirling as fast as I can! I can't wait any longer.
Hold on, Marge.
I'm coming home! Where can he be? Marge! Marge! I don't have an explan-- Love you, love you, love you! I wrote a poem for you this afternoon.
-It's called, "To a Husband.
The clouds are forming Give me a break.
Soon the rain will fall My dear one is departing But first, please heed this call That always will I love you My one, my love, my all That was beautiful! Goodbye, Maggie.
Stay as sweet as you are.
I know you'll make me proud.
I like your sheets.
The Good Book.
On tape? Oh, it's read by Larry King.
I'm Larry King.
In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth.
The earth was without.
Phinehas begat Abishua.
Ahimaaz begat-- Amariah begets Ahitub.
Ahitub begets-- And he shall turn the heart of the fathers to the children.
Lest I come and smite the earth with a curse.
Duke Zeibert's standing by.
We'll get some matzo ball soup.
I love the Spurs.
If you're betting, they're gonna win it all.
I guess there's nothing more to say but-- Homer? Homer? Oh, Homer.
His drool, it's warm! He's alive! Homer! Homer, wake up! -You're alive! -Stop it! -Wake up! You're alive! -What are you talking about? -You're alive! -I'm alive! I'm alive! And I couldn't be happier! From now on, I vow to live life to its fullest! -Three in a row! -Let's see that again.
-Here we go.
-Excellent wrist action.
It was just about to go into the gutter and made a nice spin.
Well, if he makes this, he'll be down by 40 pins.
The match is far from over.
Yes, it is, but his approach has been wrong from the beginning.
He tends to explode.
-Actually, that was Michigan.
Well, he's stepping up now.
He needs to get at least a spare.