Here is a great collection of Simpsons Scripts . My grand momma loves to read these on the potty.
The Simpsons Episode Scripts
BABF03 - Eight Misbehavin'
I mean, a green table.
I wouldn't have thought of that in my wildest dreams.
And these beanbag chairs look so comfortable.
[ Sighs ] Oop! Hey, there's someone else in here.
[ Captain McCallister] Arr! She swallowed me whole.
You put it together yourself.
All you need is me-Allen Wrench.
He's named after what he is.
- [ Clanging ] - Cool costume.
[ Mechanical Voice ] It's not a costume.
They found me inside a meteor.
Where are your hamper lids? [ Normal Voice ] Hamper lids? Uh, third floor.
[ Mechanical Voice ] Help.
I need tungsten to live.
- Tungsten! - [ Whimpering ] Ooh, look at all these clever pencil holders.
Ooh, I wanna get the Kronk.
[ Groans ] You don't want something that overshadows the pencils.
How about this P�pli? Mom, no.
Everyone at school picks on the P�pli kids.
Even I do.
I just hate them so much.
Yes, I will have the plopenlugen.
And don't skimp on the doodlemunch.
The forks are made out of Lego.
- Hello, Simpsons.
- Hey, Apu.
You guys are still married? - Oh, yes, sir.
- Pay up, Marge.
- Say, what you got there? - I don't know exactly.
It's from the Room of Lamps That Do Not Look Like Lamps.
- [ Electrical Surging ] - Hmm? - [ Cooing ] - Oh, little Maggie.
Aren't you cute with your little bow? [ Babbling ] - Maggie loves baby talk.
- That was Hindi.
[ Chuckles ] Sorry.
So, have you two thought about kids? Well, sure we have, but the decision to have a child is not to be made lightly.
- [ Laughing, Blowing ] - [ Laughs ] On the other hand, monkey see, monkey do.
Kids are the best, Apu.
You can teach 'em to hate the things you hate.
And they practically raise themselves, what with the Internet and all.
Well, perhaps it is time.
I've noticed this country is dangerously underpopulated.
Are you sure you want a child, Apu? You know, I do.
I mean, there comes a time in a man's life when he asks himself, ''Who will float my corpse down the Ganges?'' Oh, Apu, take me now.
Oh, Calcutta! Hey, Apu.
Sittin' in the ice cream cooler, eh? By chilling my loins, I increase the chances of impregnating my wife.
Whoa-ho! Too much information! Thanks for the mental picture! Why don't you tell us what you really think? Would you stop spouting those hackneyed quips? Could you be any more- Hello! Look,just give me some ice cream.
Um, how 'bout one not touching your ass? - [ Pager Beeping ] - Whoa.
Manjula has begun to ovulate.
Ew! Thanks for sharing! - [ Tires Screeching ] - More than I wanted to know! Here goes nothing.
- [ Gasps ] - [ Both ] Baby.
- All that sex for nothing.
- [ Sighs ] Well, that is a pretty grim assessment.
[ Beans Rattling ] You know, Homer, you might want to open those cans before they explode.
But the cans seal in the flavor.
So, how's the tribe coming along? Any papooses? No.
Still no luck.
Tell me, Homer.
Did you have to take any special steps when you decided to have children? Decided? [ Laughing ] That's classic.
'' Babies just happen.
Well, not to us they don't.
Oh! Homer, we have tried everything- oysters, gravity boots, Sanjay's bed, every possible position.
Really? On top and underneath? Eh, yes.
Well, don't worry.
I can help you.
I'm all about ideas.
Kids, come and get it! Now, this situation is guaranteed to end in pregnancy.
Uh, I'm willing to play the high school jock but did you have to cut the roof off my car? Hup-hup-hup-hup.
That's an Apu question.
Uh- ''Gee, Betsy, it's such a nice night.
- [ Mouthing Words ] - Wh don't we go all the way?'' ''But, Greg, my dad will kill me.
And you have that scholarship to Ivy League State.
'' ''Loosen up, baby.
Tomorrow I'm shipping off to Vietnam.
'' I- I thought I was going to Ivy League State.
Stay in the moment.
''Just promise not to forget me on your dinosaur bone digging-up trip.
'' [ Panting ] And that's my cue to exit.
- [ Gasps ] Homer! - I just wanted to invite you to the wrap party.
And that's my cue to exit.
?? [ Humming ] [ Both ] Baby.
Pirate? - [ Moans ] - No, no, wait a minute! - Pirates are wild! - We are pregnant! [ Cheering, Laughing ] Oh.
Oh, get lost! Man, the last nine months sure were crazy.
I learned the true meaning of Columbus Day.
I enjoyed a brief but memorable stint as Sideshow Marge.
I became the most popular girl in school but blew it by being conceited.
And then I learned the true meaning of winter.
Apu, do you still find me attractive? Of course I do, sweetheart.
You are beautiful and silky and manageable.
You're reading that off a conditioner bottle.
- But you still have a- - [ Water Falling ] [ Gasps ] My water broke! Oh, we must drive to the hospital.
Cleanup in aisle three.
Gil's moving up to the big leagues, boy.
[ Screams ] - [ Bones Breaking ] - Oh, m back.
[ All Snoring ] Apu, come quick! You're missing the miracle! Wha- [ Panting ] Oh, my sweet husband.
Say hello to your firstborn child.
You shall be the jewel of our lives.
Now say hello to your other seven children.
- My-What? [ Chuckles ] We had quite a discussion about the funniest way to reveal them to you.
You have octuplets.
It rolls off your tongue and into your heart- ''octuplets.
'' Apu, you should have seen your face when they showed you those babies! Yeah, that.
It looked just like that.
Apu, say hello to Punam, Sashi, Pria Uma, Anu, Samdeep, Nabindu - and Mama's clear favorite, Geet.
- [ Coos ] - [ Apu ] How did we get eight? - Apu, I must confess.
When we were having trouble conceiving I took fertility drugs.
[ Moans ] I, too, am afraid I'm guilty of monkeying with nature.
I slipped fertility drugs into your breakfast Squishy.
Well, that would only account for quintuplets.
Did anyone else slip this woman fertility drugs? Mine tasted like strawberry.
'' Would you say you and your babies have a ''love eight'' relationship? [ Chuckles ] Absolutely, yes.
No, say it! We need a sound bite.
[ Moans ] We have a ''love eight'' relationship.
- [ All Sigh ] - Yes, Kent Brockman, Channel 6.
How would you respond to people who say this kind of multiple birth is more suited to, say, a possum than a human being? [ Gasps ] Who would say such a thing? Well, pundits, wags.
I'm not the one on trial here.
No one is on trial.
This is a joyous occasion for all.
And the outpouring of support has been so lucrative.
We have already received lifetime supplies of baby powder and Pepsi ''B.
'' Free baby cola! Apu hits the jackpot and I'm stuck with these useless one-tuplets! Gee, sorry for being born.
I've been waiting so long to hear that.
[ Beeping ] How do you feel about this avalanche of free merchandise? Oh, the companies are so generous, except the Q-tip people.
They only gave us three crates.
They can rot in hell.
But the good folks at Sony- mwah- their giant TV will really help us love our babies.
I'm here at Shelbyville Hospital where a local woman has just given birth to nine- that's right- nine babies.
- [ Both Gasp ] - Some say eight babies is a blessing but they don't know the joy of nine.
Would you say you're on ''cloud nine''? - We're on cloud nine.
- [ All Sigh ] Oh, they even have a better sound bite than us.
Nine babies? That's barbaric! Nonuplets? Now that's something you don't see every day.
Let's get this stuff to the real heroes- the Shelbyville Nine! [ Gasps ] Wait! That's our ottoman.
[ Sighs ] Don't worry, my little curry face.
We don't need corporate handouts.
Our children will live on love.
- [ Babies Crying ] - [ Groans ] [ Singing ''Rock-a-bye Baby'' In Hindi ] [ Snoring ] Apu, it's 4:00 a.
You're late for work! Oh, I just had the most beautiful dream where I died.
Oh, no, you don't.
Not till they're out of college.
Listen, I'll die when I want to.
[ Cart Squeaking ] Thank you.
- [ Door Sensor Rings ] - Well, morning, Apu.
How are the little blessings? Ooh, they are a ravenous swarm of locusts just eating and screaming and grabbing and poking and pulling and drooling.
And two have cradle rash.
How do you get cradle rash when you sleep in a suitcase? [ Chuckles ] They can be a handful of joy.
- Shut up! - They'll fill your lives with- -Just shut up! - Can't put a price on a miracle.
I can't believe you don't shut up.
- [ Clicking ] - [ Homer] Oh, look at that.
Ooh, a gingerbread house.
Hansel and Gretel are set for life.
You know, I saw Apu today.
He's really frazzled.
Boy, that Hansel sure can eat.
[ Screams ] My corneas! - You were saying? - Apu told me all eight babies have colic.
Although he thinks one or two might just be going along with the crowd.
Eight kids? Mmm.
I'm sterile, right, baby doll? Yes, dear.
From the nuclear plant.
[ Doorbell Ringing ] Knock, knock.
Apu? Manjula? Marge, I got a bad feeling about this.
- [ Both Gasp ] - Welcome to my nightmare.
I knew you had your hands full with the babies so I baked you some banana bread.
Our problems are solved.
We have banana bread.
Well, you don't have to be sarcastic.
Oh, look who's here.
The family with one baby.
How do you manage? Marge, they've turned into jerks.
I'm very sorry.
We've been rude.
Can I offer you something to drink? No, thanks.
Apu, they're doing it again.
Okay, break it up.
Maybe you two should get a nanny.
Yes, and what would I pay her with- banana bread? Sorry, sorry.
It's just we haven't slept in days and we're running out of money and- Banana bread! What the hell were you thinking? Banana bread.
I apologize again.
- As a token of forgiveness, please take this baby.
Marge, no! - [ Doorbell Rings ] Mr.
Nahasapaso- Aw, forget it.
You look like you could use some help.
- Come with me.
- But you don't know who he is! - Who cares? There's only one of him.
What if your babies could live in a place with round-the-clock child care all expenses paid, full medical, dental, tutors, the works? I would say that there must be some sort of horrible catch.
- The zoo? - What? Everybody loves my zoo.
You don't love my zoo? I dare you to look at a kangaroo and not laugh.
I dare you.
Well, they're usually funnier.
Look, I'm not going to put my babies in a zoo.
Don't say no till you see the habitat.
- The habitat? - I mean the nursery.
Oh, my goodness.
Not too shabb, eh? The'll have the best of care.
And all I ask is that you let the local folks share a little glimpse of your blessing.
But is it right to put such young children on display? - [ Man ] Sure it is.
- Huh? - Butch Patrick! - That's right.
I was TV's Eddie Munster.
And being in the public eye didn't mess me up one bit.
Hey, one question, Eddie.
- Yeah, right, right.
If your mother was a vampire and your father was a Frankenstein how come you are a werewolf? Huh.
I never thought of that.
Doesn't make sense, does it? But what does make sense is putting your children in the hands of Mr.
I don't care what Butch Patrick says.
It just doesn't seem right.
We wouldn't be giving the babies away.
We'd be moving in with them.
They'll have a traditional zoo-ish upbringing.
Well, may be we could try it.
- [ Clanging ] - [ Gasps ] - What the- - Hey, I'm a notary.
So I got that goin' too.
[ Gibberish ] [ Cooing ] Oh, you like that, don't you, Punam? Yeah.
Who's a clean baby, huh? Ah, now this is a happy family.
You likin' this thing? How's the humidity? Good? Why am I asking? I can see on the meter it's good.
Oh, everything is perfect.
Nothing's too good for my little angels.
Hup! It's almost showtime.
Showtime? [ Gasps ] All right, people.
If you're not in a diaper, get off my stage.
- Off, off, off, off.
- [ Stammers ] I can't believe we're gonna see the octuplets! You already saw them.
Yeah, but now their umbilical cords have fallen off.
Ladies and gentlemen get ready for the eight wonders of the third world.
Welcome to Octopia! [ House] He can't talk, but, man, can he rock.
Say hello to the baddest baby in the whole damn town-Animal.
Welcome to the jungle We got fun and games ? [ Crowd Sighs ] How can he rebel? He doesn't even know where he is.
[ Swing ] - Uh-oh.
Sounds like one of the babies has a fever.
- [ Gasps ] - Dance fever that is.
[ Sighs ] Let's hear it for Dazzle.
She's no Liza, but it works.
[ Riano ] - And now the stand-up who can't even sit up give it up for Punch Line! [ Applause] [ Laughing ] He's thinking what we're all sayin'.
But all the laughs in the world won't protect you from the stern discipline of the Baron.
[''Flight of the Valkries''] - [ All Booing ] - Boo, Baron! - And the rest.
R-O-C-Kin the U.
- [ Both ] Whoo! R-O-C-Kin the U.
R-O-C-Kin the U.
A Good night, Springfield.
We'll be back in an hour.
Rockin'in the U.
A - [ Both ] Huh? - [ Burps ] - Good babies.
Good, good babies.
Work with Dazzle.
She's a lox out there.
How could you do this to our children? I know.
The lighting cues were a mess.
The guy's been fired.
Our babies are not circus freaks! We're taking them home now.
- Hold on, Alpo.
We got a contract.
- Not anymore.
[ Grunting ] Laminated.
You monster! Terrence, Christopher, will you show these two to the exit? Avec plaisir.
I'm afraid there's nothing I can do.
- The zookeeper paid you off, didn't he? - Paid me off? What, are you crazy? Mmm.
So we'll never see our children again? Well, they might give Dazzle back.
The buzz is she's got one more show to turn it around.
Well, if the police won't help us, we'll simply have to take the law into our own hands.
Yeah, yeah, a lot of people are doing that these days.
These animals certainly act different at night.
- [ Snarling ] - [ Laughing ] [ Grunting ] Oh, my little treasures.
We'll get you out of this terrible place.
- [ Gasps ] She's waking up.
- Don't worry.
I brought some chloroform.
- You idiot! Those are Colorforms! - [ Screams ] - [ Alarm Blaring ] - [ Screaming ] Nabindu, Pria and Sashi.
Now let's go.
[ Chittering ] Okay, this is gettin' weird.
Oh, my precious babies.
We'll never let you go.
Oh, let's get this awful thing off.
- No, no! - Let me- Okay, whatever.
- Hold it right there, scumbags! - [ Gasps ] Please, Mr.
Kidkill Look into your eyes I know these babies have a lifetime contract but what if I put together an even better act for you- something sensational? It's not just you prancing around in a monkey suit, is it? - Not anymore.
- You got yourself a deal.
[ Rock ] - [ Groans ] - [ Hisses ] - [ Gasps ] Quiet.
You're breaking character.
- [ Hissing ] - [ Groans ] Are those real cobras? Some are real.
Some are just robots filled with venom.
Now that is a true friend.
If he can handle that, maybe we can handle this bunch.
We'll do our best, chutney butt.
[ Hissing ] Okay.
Okay, don't panic, Butch.
Release the mongoose! - [ Hissing ] - [ Whimpers ] [ Screaming ] Stupid mongoose! Get the snake! The snake! Do I look like a snake? Ow! Ow! Why isn't he listening to me? Ow! [ Screams ] Show's over! Show's over! Next show at 8.
00 and 1 0.
- [ Murmuring ] - Shh.