Here is a great collection of Simpsons Scripts . My grand momma loves to read these on the potty.
The Simpsons Episode Scripts
BABF01 - Treehouse of Horror X
it's The Simpsons Now, please welcome your hosts- if you haven't been probed by these two you haven't been probed- - Kang and Kodos! - [ Cheering ] - Thank you.
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
Welcome to our Oh.
We've got a great- Kang, what are you doing?.
You said we were going to warm up the audience.
[Speakers: Laughter] [ Shudders ] Ladies and gentlemen, I have to apologize for my partner.
He had to borrow a human brain.
[ Speakers: Laughter] What do aliens have to do with Halloween?.
[ Deep Male Voice ] Silence!.
I still can't believe we escaped from those horrible vampires.
But it was worth it to get back our Super Sugar Crisp cereal.
# Can't get enough of that Sugar Crisp # I'm having a hard time seeing.
Homer, did you remember to put the fog lights in ? # Guess I forgot to put the fog lights in # - I better pull over and play it safe.
- [ Thuds ] [ Grunts ] [ Gasps ] Please be a dog.
[ Gasps ] Oh, no!.
Ned Flanders! He's dead! - [ Eye Squishing] - He's definitely dead! - [ Squishing] - Oh, my God.
We killed Ned Flanders.
You mean you killed Ned Flanders.
Oh! It was an accident! An accident! We've gotta go to the police.
They'll never believe a Simpson killed a Flanders by accident.
- Even I have my doubts.
- Don't worry.
I got a plan.
First thing we have to do is to make sure that no one knows that you're dead.
And if anyone asks you, just say that you are not dead.
, Maude! Look who's helping me clean the chimney.
- [ Squawks ] Neddie?.
Where have you been?.
[ Imitating Ned ] Hi, Maude.
I've been having fun with my pal Homer.
Oh, I'm so relieved.
Whenever you go on one of your late-night fog walks, I get so worried.
Relax! I'm fine.
But when I do die, I don't want any autopsies.
Well, come on down, you goofy roofy.
It sure is slippery up here.
- [ Bell Dings ] My pies are done.
Oh, she missed it.
[ Imitating Ned ] Hey, Maude.
Uh-oh! I think I'm having a heart attack! [ Maude Screams ] And that's the end of that chapter.
[ Bell Ringing] [ Organ ] [ Sobbing ] [ Whispers ] Try not to look too sad.
It'll seem suspicious.
And now Ned's best friend will say a few words.
- [ Clears Throat ] When I think about Ned, I can't help but remember the look on his face when Marge drove over- - Homer! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! - Oh.
What I'd like to say is we're still looking for the real killers.
Anyway, in conclusion, a man cannot be forced to testify against his wife.
[Marge ] Stop winking! We'll miss you, buddy.
We just got away with murder.
And it was so easy! You know, I've never liked that little wiener Milhouse.
- [ Tires Screech ] - [ Marge ] No more murders! - But you got to kill- - No! [ All Gasp ] [ Marge ] Someone saw us! [ All ] But who?.
Homer, stop that.
[ Thunder Rumbling] - [ Phone Ringing ] - Who could be calling at this hour?.
[ Whimpering ] - Yellow? - [ Male Voice ] I know you're alone.
[ Whimpering ] Who is this?.
Is this Maude Flanders?.
Oh! Hey, Homer.
I must have dialed the wrong number.
- [Thunderclap ] - [ All Screaming ] [All Whimpering] - Get in the car.
- [ Thunderclap ] [ All Screaming ] Dear God, it's Homer.
If you really love me, you'll save my life now.
D'oh! - He's getting closer! - [ All Gasping ] [ Thunderclap ] Okay, Marge.
You hide in the abandoned amusement park.
Lisa, the pet cemetery.
Bart, spooky roller disco.
[ Disco ] And I'll go skinny-dipping in that lake where the sexy teens were killed a hundred years ago tonight.
Now, Flanders, I want you to- - [ All Screaming ] - [ Thunderclaps ] It's impossible! I killed you! [ Chuckles ] You can't kill the undead, silly.
- He's undead, all right.
- Are you a zombie?.
Oh, I wish! You see, that night when you hit me with your car- I'm making record time on this fog walk.
- [ Wolf Howling] - Better pick up the pace.
- [ Growls ] - [ Screaming ] [ Roars ] # Guess I forgot to put the fog lights in # - [ Marge ] I better pull over and play it safe.
- [ Whimpers ] So you were going to kill us.
[ Chuckles ] Yeah.
[ All Laughing ] - [ Roars ] - Hey, foamy.
I want the news, not the weather.
[ Chuckles ] Marge, did you hear me zing werewolf Flanders?.
[ Snarls ] Diddly! [ Gasping ] - [ Whimpering ] - [ Snarling ] [ Gasps ] - [ Homer Screams ] Flanders! Stop that! - [ Fabric Tearing] [ Homer] Eyes bigger than your stomach, eh, wolfie? - [ Laughs ] - [ Flanders Snarling ] [ Homer Screaming ] [ Chattering ] Well, well, well.
If it isn't the cutest police officer in Springfield.
Hey, you know, we got feelings too, Chief.
Just dump your candy on the X-ray belt, Ralphie.
There's a good boy.
- Oh! White chocolate! - Check it out, Lisa.
I'm Radioactive Man.
I don't think the real Radioactive Man wears a plastic smock with a picture of himself on it.
He would on Halloween.
[ Grunting ] Get in there, you stupid pillowcase! Stop it! You'll jam the machine! Uh-oh! Radiation.
Duck and cover! - [ Screaming ] - Cool.
Bart! [ Groans ] - [ Children Screaming] - Oh, my God! Lisa! She's been crushed.
And so have the hopes of our Mathletics team.
Hold the funeral, poindexter.
[ Gasps ] Poindexter?.
[ Grunts ] Whoa, Lise! Those X-rays must have given you super strength! I wonder if I got any powers.
Wait a minute.
I can stretch! Look at me! Ow! Hot, hot, hot.
I must only use this power to annoy.
- [ Knocking] - Now, who could that be at this hour?.
Side to side.
What's your point?.
- Ow! - [ Laughs ] Gotcha.
Bart, with these powers, we can become superheroes.
So do it already.
[ Chorus ] # Stretch Dude and Clobber Girl # # He's a human rubber band and she's a hulk in curls # [ Women ] # He's a limber lad# [ Men ] # She's a powerful lass # [ Chorus ] # He'll wring your neck and she'll kick your ass # # They�re Stretch Dude # # And Clobber Girl # # Stretch Dude Clobber Girl [ Man Announcing ] Tonight's episode: "Enter the Collector;' But I ' m sure that once girls get to know the real you you�ll I get plenty of dates.
[ Stammering ] I n Episode BF1 2, you were battling barbarians while riding a winged Appaloosa.
Yet in the very next scene, my dear, you're clearly atop a winged Arabian.
- Please to explain it.
Well, whenever you notice something like that, a wizard did it.
But in Episode AG4- - Wizard.
- Ah, for glavin out loud.
[ Glass Shatters ] [ Glass Shatters ] Behold! I am the Collector! And I'm here to add you to my collection! [ Grunting ] Must remove my breastplate.
Care for a Rolo, sweet Xena?.
All right, Collector.
Stick this in your tweezers.
I'm not Xena! I'm an actress, you lunatic! Oh, please.
I'm not insane.
I simply wish to take you back to my lair and make you my bride.
Oh, dear God! Clobber Girl.
[ Grunts ] Thank you.
Help! It's Xena.
She's been kidnapped! Come on.
You're vulnerable to Kryptonite! Geez, Marge! Tell the neighborhood.
Fear not, my syndicated sweetie.
You'll be preserved in this Mylar pouch forever remaining in near-mint condition between Doctor Who and, of course, Yasmine Bleeth.
- [ Lisa ] I don't think so.
- [ Gasps ] I don't think so either.
[ Taunting Vocalizations ] You're collecting days are over, Collector! Stop right there! I have here the only working phaser ever built.
It was fired only once.
to keep William Shatner from making another album.
- [ Cocks ] - Stretch Dude! - Help! -Just a sec.
[ Groans ] Hey, phaser, phaser, phaser.
[ Grunting ] - [ Groans ] - Nah, nah! Good night, "Retch" Dude and "Slobber" Girl.
[ Laughs ] I'm unbelievably.
Soon those bratty buttinskies will be encased in Lucite for all eternity.
While we're waiting, here are some names you may call me on our wedding night.
[ Clears Throat ] Obi-Wan.
And, of course, Big Papa Smurf.
What do you need me for?.
You could have your choice of any of the women in these bags.
You would think so, but no.
Well, I mean, maybe we are meant for each other.
Growing up, I was always tall for my age, and the other kids made fun of me.
I- I always hoped for another misunderstood soul to share my pain.
You could be that soul, Collector.
Come here, you.
Xena needs "xex.
" [ Chuckles ] - Got your lips! - [ Groaning ] [ Shouts ] Oh! You tricked me with a ruse so hackneyed it would make Stan Lee blush.
[ Ululating ] [ Grunting ] [ Groans ] - [ Shouting ] - Oh! Ow.
Bart, just let me drop and save yourself.
What do you think I've been trying to do?.
Aha! Not even Xena is a match for the limited edition double-edged light saber from Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace.
[ Humming ] [ Gasps ] You removed it from its original packaging! [ Gasps ] No! It's no longer a collectible! Oh! Oh! [ Groans ] - What a nerd.
- Lucite hardening.
Must end life in classic Lorne Greene pose from Battle star Galactica.
[ Grunting ] Best death ever! - Wow.
Thanks for saving us.
- No problem.
Now let's get you kids home.
Wait a minute.
Xena can't fly.
- I told you.
I'm not Xena.
I'm Lucy Lawless.
[ Chorus ] # Stretch Dude and Clobber Girl# [ Beeping] [ Rock] - [ Ends ] - [ Cheering] This is Dick Clark, rockin' down to the year 2000.
And that was White snake.
We're not White snake, dude.
- I thought we were Quiet Riot.
- It says here we're Ratt.
- [ Chattering ] - Oh, right.
Man alive! What a stinko thousand years.
Then again, we had two TV shows with Andy Griffith.
And 11 with Robert Urich.
: Funk] # Super freak, Super freak # # I'm super freakin' Yow Aw, man.
What'd I do now?.
- [ Crowd Cheering ] - Wonderful.
Now, that song is dedicated to all you super geeks who rocked around the clock to exterminate America's Y2K bugs.
- Slammin'! - Hey, Homer.
Weren't you the plant's Y2K compliance officer?.
- Must have been hard debugging all those computers, huh, Homer?.
- Doing what now?.
- You did fix them, right, Dad?.
Because even a single faulty unit could corrupt every other computer in the world.
That can't be true, honey.
If it were, I'd be terrified.
Eight, seven, six- We want to thank Dixie brand mayonnaise.
Whoo, Lordy, what a mayonnaise! Three, two- [Alarm Blaring] - That's Homer Simpson's computer.
- Oh, God! It's spreading! - [ Creaks ] - Happy New-Wha- Oh, no.
[ Electricity Crackling ] [Screaming] Uh-oh.
[ Screaming ] [ Screaming ] [ Screaming ] [ Electricity Crackling ] [ Groans ] Who's gonna clean up all those jets?.
- [ Crash ] - [ Electricity.
Crackling] There goes the clothesline.
Well, those ivory-tower eggheads have screwed us again.
[ Chuckles ] Let's just have some milk and go to bed.
[ Gasping ] Hey.
This milk's broken.
- It's got a computer chip in it.
- [ Beeping] [ Gasps ] [ Beeping Continues ] Oh! Oh! [ Groaning ] - [ Whimpering ] - [ Man Whimpering ] Judgment Day is upon us.
I warned you the Lord wouldn't stand for your mini dresses and Beatle boots.
[ Grunting ] I resisted these for 35 years.
Why did I wear them today?.
But it's not too late to repent your sins and be embraced by the Almighty.
Hey, everybody! They're looting the mall! Hurry! I got nine shoe buffers! [ All Shouting ] [ Grunting ] I'm caught on something.
- I don't want you looting.
- But I was gonna loot you a present.
- Oh, all right.
- [ Giggles ] [Siren Wails ] [ All Shouting ] Oh, thank you, Homie.
A Lady Remington.
- [ Buzzing ] - [ Screams, Grunting ] [ Screaming ] Well, look at the wonders of the computer age now.
I think that was implied by what I said.
- Mom, make him stop.
Groans ] - Oh, no.
Krusty! - [ Groaning ] My pacemaker.
It's stuck on "hummingbird.
I need to drink my weight in nectar.
Krusty! Hey, a note.
"You have been selected for Operation Exodus.
" They're evacuating the Earth.
[ Gasps ] We're saved! [ Sobbing ] Thank you, sweet clown.
I n death, you saved us all.
I'm not dead.
I can still hear his voice on the wind.
[ Bart ] There it is! [ Homer] Just like the dead clown promised! [ Elevator Bell Dings ] [ Bart] Wow.
There's Bill Gates, Stephen Hawking Paul McCartney.
, Michael Jordan, Michelle Kwan.
They must be starting a new civilization on Mars with our best and brightest.
- That's us! - Name, please.
I am the, uh, piano genius from the movie Shine.
And your name is?.
Uh, Shiny McShine.
Actually, he's Homer Simpson.
You're the ship's proofreader.
Now, before you enter, you're going to have to make a very difficult choice.
- You're only allowed to take one parent with you.
- Love ya lots! - Good-bye, Lisa.
Remember me as I am- filled with murderous rage! Well, Son, I guess this is the end.
But we've both had long, full lives.
- Hey, look.
And there's nobody guarding it! Let's go.
I can't believe I destroyed the Earth.
Are you still talking about the Earth?.
I gotta let it go.
All that counts is we're alive and rubbing elbows with the greats.
[ Gasps ] Ooh! There's Ross Perot.
Wait a minute.
They're not so great.
But there's Dan Quayle and Courtney Love.
Tonya Harding! Al Sharpton! [ Screams ] Tom Arnold! What the hell's going on? Wait.
Only that ship is going to Mars.
- Ours is headed for the sun.
Ain't that a kick in the teeth?.
I mean, my shows weren't great, but I never tied people up and forced 'em to watch.
And I could've, 'cause I'm a big guy, and I'm good with knots.
So we're all gonna die?.
But hey, the grub's pretty good, huh?.
[ Chuckles ] The sun?.
That's the hottest place on Earth.
Gonna work on my "tannage," buddy.
Pauly Shore? Wow! Hey.
We should do a show together, man.
That's a sure cure for the blues.
- [ Noisemaker Blows ] - Hey! Turn those frowns around.
Rosie O'Donnell! Come on, everybody! Sing along! # Clang, clang, clang went the trolley # This side only! # Ding, ding, ding went the bell # #Zing, zing, zing went my heartstrings # # From the moment I saw him, I fell # - #Clang, clang, clang went the trolley.
# - Don't worry, Dad.
- We'll be dead in five minutes.
- Not fast enough! [ Beeps ] # Went my heartstrings From the moment I saw him # [ Both Sighing ] - [ Pops ] - [ Pops ] # From the moment I saw him I fell [ Woman Screams ]