Here is a great collection of Simpsons Scripts . My grand momma loves to read these on the potty.
The Simpsons Episode Scripts
AABF22 - Brother's Little Helper
- That and the sand bucket.
- What's that stuff? Why, this is retardant.
[ Laughing ] Sure is.
And what's that? That's called a hose lengthener.
[ Laughing ] You need one.
- [ Skinner Groans ] - What's this? Just read the label.
It's a king-sized flamer! - [ Laughing Hysterically ] - Bart, will you go bother someone else? Look! A fire engine.
- Stop that! - Help! Help! Fire helmets.
Can't you do something constructive? Sure, I can do something destructive.
[ Groaning ] Just say the word, and I'll drive this hoe in his back! I can make it look like suicide.
And I want a bike, and a monkey, and a friend for the monkey- You're not gonna start any fires, are you? At my house, we call 'em ''uh-ohs.
'' Hi, fire doggie.
Can you do any tricks? Tricks? That's rich.
He's so inbred, he can barely stand up.
[ Whimpers ] Fire can be our servant whether it's toasting s'mores or raining down on Charlie.
But it can turn not so nice, as you'll see in this skit by the Volunteer Fire Department Players.
- [ Scattered Applause] - [ Chuckles ] - What a great pot party! - Wasn't it, man? Now for a regular cigarette to make the night complete.
[ Coughs ] - Oh! Man, that's good.
- Mad Dog, I've been thinking.
Maybe we should get another smoke detector in case that one trips out on us.
[ Chuckling ] Why bother, baby? One smoke detector's enough for Mad Dog.
Now, let's hit the sack.
[ Exhales, Snores ] Whoa! Check it out! Mad Dog's on fire! Stop, drop and roll, man! [ Chuckling ] That's for Clydes, baby.
- A little fire can't hurt you.
- But Mad Dog was wrong.
The fire burned through the night and cost him the use of his pants.
Which just goes to show you- Huh? [ Gasps ] Sorry to break character - but these stunt pants are gettin' pretty toasty! - Roll, Neddie! Roll! [ Laughter] It's not workin'! It just spreads the flame! Get the fire hose.
Get the fire hose! What's it doing in the gymnasium? Yee-haw! Bart, have you lost your- [ Yells ] [ Both Yelling ] [ Yelling ] [ Groans, Sputters ] [ Laughing Hysterically ] - Bart Simpson! - You've really done it this time.
It all kind of came together.
[ Squeaking ] [ Grunting ] [ Sighs ] [ Grunts ] Thank you for coming.
Thank you for getting me out of work.
I'll be blunt.
Bart's latest escapade goes far beyond the realm of the high jink.
Now the floor is as good as new.
[ Groans ] My sport goggles! Your son is a ravenous demon, relentlessly gnawing at all that's good and true.
Yeah, he's something else, all right.
But worst of all, he drags down the grades of anyone who sits near him.
-Just look at this pattern.
- [ Homer] Hey, that looks like Bart.
And turning to the 3-D map, we see an unmistakable cone of ignorance.
Put it away! Put it away! Very well.
But there's no escaping the truth.
Bart has a classic case of attention deficit disorder.
You mean like John Leguizamo? How should I know? The point is A.
makes children restless and easily distracted.
- Hi, Marge.
It's me- Homer.
- [ Clears Throat ] - What? Time to go? - Please, Mr.
- I'm afraid I'll have to expel your son- - [ Gasps ] unless you're willing to try a radical, untested, potentially dangerous- - Candy bar? - No! It's a new drug called Focusyn.
A drug? I know Bart can be rambunctious - but he's not some hyperactive monster.
- [ Bart ] Gimme an ''F''! - [ Gasps ] Good Lord! - Gimme an ''art''! - He's gotten into the pep closet.
- What's that spell? I'd say he's coming out of the pep closet.
[ Chuckles ] I don't wanna pump my little boy full of drugs.
- Yeah, yeah, we get a lot of that.
- But then they see our results.
These are normal guinea pigs running around like idiots.
- [ All Squealing ] - Now I'll give them some Focusyn.
[ Gasps ] That's amazing and darling.
- Check this out.
- [ Soft Squealing ] - They become your slaves.
But it's not about slavery.
It's about helping kids concentrate.
This pill reduces class clownism 44%.
less sass mouth.
- The only thing more effective is regular exercise.
- [ Shudders ] - ?? [ Video Game] - [ Grunting ] - Shred it! Shred it! - [ Indistinct Shouting ] Extra gloves.
[ Groans ] How will we get Bart to take these? It's all about trust, honey.
Ow! Knock it off!.
Homer, we agreed we'd discuss the medication with Bart.
- Medication? - Some special helpers that'll make you a good boy.
- I don't wanna take drugs.
- Sure you do.
All your favorite stars have used drugs.
Brett Butler, Tim Allen- - Tommy Lee.
- Andy Dick.
- He's just flamboyant.
- Yeah, and I'm a size four.
Dad, I admit I have some problems but drugs aren't the answer.
- Why, you little- - [ Screaming ] Son, let's forget all about that drug thing.
Why don't you just come down and have some taffy? - Nice try, Homer.
-Just take one bite.
If you're not 100%.
different- Ow! Geez, what's the big deal? Look, I'll even eat some.
Now- Hmm? [ Gibberish ] Does Mr.
Simpson have a demon, Daddy? - Looks like it.
Run and get Daddy's exorcism tongs.
- [ Together] Yea! [ Gibberish Continues ] Honey, if you don't wanna take the medicine, we won't force you.
Really? Yes, I just thought you might love me enough to let me help you.
Oh, Mom! All right.
I'll do it for you.
- [ Gulps ] - Way to guilt him, Marge.
It's what I do.
[ Gibberish ] Good morning, honey.
Mmm! How's my special little guy? - I'm having some side effects from the dope.
- It's not dope! It's something to help you concentrate.
All I know is my testicles won't fit in my underwear.
Bart, get those oranges out of there.
- [ Laughing ] - Back in the lunches you go.
Ew, Mom! - Oh, grow up.
I have to take these stupid pills twice a day.
I'll trade you a Claritin for one.
- Claritin-D? - Nah.
- Can't help you.
- I take hormones to lower my voice.
Now all I wanna do is fight.
What are you lookin' at? You think you got it bad? I gotta wear a shock collar.
- Ooh! - That's rough.
- [ Screams ] - What was that for? I thought about a girl I like.
All right, class, who would like to read ''The Daffodils'' by Wordsworth? - I'll do it.
- No, thank you, Mr.
Sherri? ''I wandered lonely as a cloud that floats on high o'er vales and hills''- Hey, look at those dogs going at it! - I wanna see 'em! I wanna see 'em! - [ Voices Overlapping ] Fightin' over a fan belt.
Dogs are outstanding.
All right, people, we've all seen the dogs now, so- [ Gasps ] - What? - You're still in your seat.
Well, it's not like I never saw a dog before.
[ Thinking ] That doesn't sound like me.
Could it be the drug kicking in? I am feeling an urge to straighten up and fly right.
Come on, people.
This poetry isn't gonna appreciate itself.
[ Applause On TV] What a lovely day in the park.
A perfect place to meet a lady.
Ooh, la, la! It's Sideshow Melanie! - [ Laughter] - Hey, what's goin' on? - [ Laughter] - Hey, what's goin' on? Hey, this thing's cuttin' off my air! [ Grunting ] Oh! What are you doing to me? I said start it at 60 r.
then move it up to 100 on the skirt blow! - Sorry, Krusty, I choked.
- You choked? You choked? Bart! Bart! Krusty just fired his associate producer.
- I'm reading.
- No way.
''The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Pre-Teens''? Is this all because of the- [ Gulps, Groans ] Joke if you will, but did you know most people use 10%.
of their brains? I am now one of them.
Before, my energy was all over the place.
Now, it's concentrated like a laser beam.
Well, this has been terrific.
Let's do it again sometime.
- Are you standing up to get me to leave? - It's from the book.
Hey, I'm not a time burglar.
''Memo to self: Lock door.
'' All right, I'll go.
You don't have to be a jerk about it.
- ''Memo to self: Shut up, Lisa.
'' - [ Shouts ] Hmm.
''Thank you in advance for a world-class meal.
You're an inspiration to our entire organization.
Thank you again.
'' Oh, what a lovely gesture.
Cost of paper: five cents.
A mother's love: priceless.
- Do I get a card? No, but here's a book called Chicken Soup for the Loser that gave Bill Buckner the courage to open a chain of laundromats.
My career has kind of lost momentum.
I think it's the bright blue pants.
I mean, you're not on a golf course.
Well, I have been thinking about making them into cutoffs.
I tell you, the kid's a wonder.
He organized all the lawsuits against me into one class action.
- That's gonna save all kinds of travel time.
- You know it.
Plus, he gave me this appointment dealy.
It's got my whole week in there.
- [ Lenny Whistles ] - [ Carl ] Sweet.
This thing'll do anything.
I'll ask it how many leagues in a furlong.
I'll make it say, ''What's a-matter, you?'' in Turkish.
- [ Computerized Voice Speaking Foreign Language ] - And look at this! - A cheese grater! - Man, technology's amazing.
A guy could do great things with a gadget like that.
Well, if you want one, they sell 'em at- Yeah, a guy could do great things.
[ Slurping ] The boy's still studying? Can you believe it? And he's even tutoring a little Navajo boy.
And why did Humpty Dumpty have a great fall? Because he took his eyes off the prize? That's right.
You stay on the ball, you stay on the wall.
He's gone from goofus to gallant.
And we owe it all to mind-bending pills.
Bart's so well-behaved now.
Maybe you and I can have a night out.
Ooh! Let's go to the water park! My 10-year ban ended yesterday.
I was thinking of something a little more adult.
- [ Whispering ] - Oh, Marge! And then afterwards- [ Whispering Continues ] [ Giggles ] Really? With butterscotch on it? I think you misheard me.
You've got more talent than any dancer I've ever seen, and you're throwing it all away! Screw you! Screw everybody! All right, girls, tops off.
It's showtime! [ Moans ] Marge, this is the greatest gift any wife has ever given her husband.
I thought you'd like it.
And I'm enjoying the friendship - between showgirl and that seamstress.
- Pipe down! - Yes.
- You hush up! - Quiet, everybody! Shut up, or I'll pound all of ya! [ Yells ] That was fun! We have to get out more often.
I heard about a new bar where men dance with men.
Doesn't that sound adorable? Well, sure, if it's true.
[ Gasps ] Is that Lisa? I'm so glad you're here.
Bart's really acting funny.
funny, or O.
funny? - You'll see.
- [ Bart Muttering Incoherently ] Gotta get it done.
- Bart? Honey? Gotta finish.
[ Grunting ] - Close the door.
- [ Door Closes ] You're probably wondering about the coat hangers.
They're to block the satellite that's been spying on me.
It can read your electronic organizer from space.
- Even mine? - [ Grunting ] Hey, I had Lenny's name on that! They have it now.
And who are they, exactly? Who else? Major League Baseball.
Marge, I think Bart's gone crazy.
- Oh, Bart, what's happened to you? - Nothing yet.
But the time draws near.
Now, let's get those fillings out of you! - [ Screaming ] - Hey, you found my needle-nose pliers.
I understand the electrodes, but why does he have to be on a treadmill? - Oh, that was his idea.
He said he felt fat.
You said he was concerned about satellites? - And their beams.
- Any other strange behavior? He quit blinking.
He says that's when they get you.
I had a feeling this might happen.
This carboxyl group sometimes causes problems.
After we trusted you! [ Grunting ] - I think we should take him off the drug.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! You can't just go ''off' Focusyn.
But we can ease Bart onto one of its sister drugs like chlorhexinol, and augment that with some phenolbutamine.
- Hmm, and maybe some cyclobenzanone? - That's a great idea! [ Grunts ] No! You can't take my Focusyn.
I need every brain cell blazing to outwit my invisible enemies.
I know you love Focusyn, son, but in time you'll get just as attached to these three amigos.
No! [ Gasps ] Uh-oh! Somebody's gonna have a tummy ache.
Stop him! He's whacked out of his gourd! Don't worry.
We have a procedure for these situations.
- Ahh! - Hey, there was just air in mine.
[ Groaning ] And I'm really worried, Chief.
There's no telling what he might do.
Okay, so you say your son is towheaded, button nose mischievous smile, and maybe armed with a slingshot? Got it.
We'll find him, ma'am.
[ Snickers ] Looks like the kid who roughed up the Wilson widow.
Oh, my little guy's out there in the hot sun without his sombrero.
We should've paid more attention to these side effects.
It's all here- erratic behaviour, paranoia, diarrhea- I don't think he has diarrhea.
But how do we know, Marge? How do we know? I can't believe that Sarge said we're the worst bunch he's ever seen - See, I have to believe he's seen worse bunches than us.
- But he said- I know what he said.
He was just trying to motivate us.
- Well, it ruined the whole hike.
- [ Sinister Chuckle ] [ Demented Laughter] -Do you think Alex would mind if I asked Janet out? -They're married, idiot! Why'd you have to yell? You ruined the whole shower.
So I gave up tap for jazz, and I've never regretted it.
And here's why.
- Homer, you're supposed to be hunting for Bart.
- I'm on top of it.
[ Groans ] My sweet baby.
He must feel so helpless and scared.
Don't stop thinking about tomorrow Don't stop, it'll soon be here - [ Screaming ] [ All Screaming ] Smithers, we're at war! - I'll begin profiteering, sir.
- And hoarding.
Leave it to the Democrats to let the Spaniards back in the pantry.
Egad! A maniac cutting a swath of destruction! This is a job for the Green Lantern, Thundra or possibly Ghost Rider.
- What about Superman? - Oh, please.
What the- Hmm? Come on! Get out! Noodles, Seesaw, Oopsie Lobsweat, Hoohah,Jitters, Sir Wide Bottom! Oh.
- Easy, boys.
- [ All Straining ] I'm sure I'm alive, but why? [ Screaming ] [ Cheering ] You've raised the bar for all of us, Simpson, and I thank you.
Praise from Caesar.
- Huh? [ Siren Wailing ] - Shoot the tires out, Lou.
- Uh, it's a tank, Chief.
You know what? I'm gettin' real tired of your excuses.
[ Chattering ] What a day! First, the drinking fountain squirts me, and now this.
My God, is she brave standing up to that freaked-out junkie.
Dad, that junkie is your son.
Why don't you just tell everybody? Hey, Mom.
Thanks for coming out.
Oh, thank you for stopping the tank.
- It ran out of gas.
- So, Bart- - Question.
How about getting out of the tank, huh? Maybe stopping your rampage, huh? We could go to Krusty Burger.
- Okay, sure.
- Whew! - Right after I blow up one thing.
- [ Groans ] [ Gasps ] Good Lord! He's going to fire! All right! Scud the school, dude! No, stop.
Think of the children.
[ All Gasping ] Not the church! Jesus lives there! The frame store? You monster! Not the sky! That's where clouds are born! [ All Gasping ] [ Siren Wailing ] A satellite? What do we do? What do we do? ''Discotheques, frat houses, Malibu''- Nothing about satellite fires.
Let's just spray it with water already.
That's the end of your loony tune, Drugs Bunny.
You're under arrest for astro-vandalism.
And may God help you if that thing carried the Spice Channel! ''Major League Baseball''? I told you they were monitoring my activities.
He's right! This thing's got info on everybody.
Addresses, credit ratings, what size baseball hat they wear.
[ Computerized Voice ] Surveillance beam disabled.
Market research shutting down.
Doesn't that beat all? - Hi, folks.
I'm Mark McGwire.
- [ All Gasping ] Big Mac himself.
Who'd have thunk it? Young Bart here was right.
We are spying on you pretty much around the clock.
- But why, Mr.
McGwire? - Do you wanna know the terrifying truth or do you wanna see me sock a few dingers? [ All ] Dingers! Dingers! [ All ] Ooh! Yoink! It's good to have the old Bart back.
Plus, you exposed the disturbing unreadiness of today's army.
Oh, honey, I'm so sorry we sent you on that psychotropic hayride.
At least I got to see some cool colors.
And Mark McGwire gave you an autographed bat.
Why is the zero made out of glass? Who cares? That man can really slug.
Well, I'm not giving my baby any more dangerous drugs.
From now on, it's nothing but fresh air lots of hugs and good old-fashioned Ritalin.
You said a mouthful.
When I can't stop fiddlin' I just takes me Ritalin I'm poppin' and sailin', man - [ Toots Twice ] - [ Murmuring ] - Shh! [ Man ] Oh, why'd you have to shush? You ruined the whole show!