Here is a great collection of Simpsons Scripts . My grand momma loves to read these on the potty.
The Simpsons Episode Scripts
AABF23 - Beyond Blunderdome
[ Children Murmuring ] [ Narrator] Test-drive the Elec-Taurus today and get a free gift.
[ Gasps, Sniffs ] My children deserve to see me get a free gift, I'm proud of you, Dad, Buying an electric car,,, will help clean the air up and protect the Earth's supply- You're faking this to get the gift, aren�t you?, But I liked the nice things you said about me, Thinking of saying good-bye to gas?, - You betcha, [ Belches ] - Bart! - [Farts ] - Well, that shut me up, Hello, I, uh, love your planet deeply,,, and am interested in purchasing one of your electronic autos, [ Stifled Laugh ] Well, it's always nice to meet people,,, concerned about the environment What ironment? Boy, that quiet engine sure makes conversation a lot easier, Yeah, and it's got a lot of other problems too, Dad! You're headed for the harbor! [Homer] Relax.
We're in an electric car.
[ Screaming ] See?, Everything's fine, - [ Gasps ] Dolphins! - [ Crackling ] Oopsie, Hi, girls! - [ Crackling ] - [ Shrieking ] Aw, Salt water seems to be good for it, [ Bart Choking ] ??[Humming] Um, I'm sorry, The car did not meet my eco-concerns, - Can I have my prize now?, - Certainly, - [ Tires Squeal ] - What the- [ Male Electronic Voice ] Help, Help, It burns, Hey, we never opened that envelope to see what our gift is, We didn't?, That's odd, Seems like we would have done that right after we left the car place, - I know, but we didn't, - Well, here it is, - So we can open it and find out now, - Perfect, Aw! Movie tickets?, That hardly seems worth destroying a car, They're passes to a test screening of a new movie starring- [ Gasps ] Mel Gibson! - Who else is in it?, - Who cares?, Mel Gibson! Mel Gibson is just a guy, Marge- no different than me or Lenny, - Were you or Lenny ever named "Sexiest Man Alive"?, - I'm not certain about Lenny, Besides, it's not just his chiseled good looks, People magazine says he's a devoted father,,, goes to church every week, and likes to fix things around the- - Homer, let's make love, - Uh, uh, okay, [ Both Grumbling] Uh, you're thinking about me, right?, Of course, Homie, Aren't you thinking about me?, I will now! Easy, Easy there, buster, But how did they know?, I had a mouse, Thank you, - [ Audience Murmuring ] - [ Clears Throat ] Good evening, I'm Edward Christian, Assistant V.
P, of Finance and Distribution,,, at Polystar Pictures, [ Cheering ] Man, I should've brought the camera, Also with me tonight are the dynamic duo, William Milo and Robin Hannah,,, who green-lighted all of Shaquille O'Neal's movies,,, - including KaZaam.
- [ Gasping, Murmuring ] - How's the popcorn, guys?, - [ Both ] Needs salt, - [ Laughing ] - [ All Laughing ] [ Continues Laughing ] Anyhoo, welcome to our test screening,,, of Mel Gibson's directorial follow-up to Braveheart a remake of the Jimmy Stewart classic Mr.
Smith Goes to Washington.
I knew I shouldn't have passed on that, Now, after the film, I'll be handing out these cards for your opinion, - We then take your cards to Hollywood, California! - [ All Gasping ] And change the movie based on your suggestions, Any, uh, questions?, Yes, over here, Thank you, [ Clears Throat ] Hi, Will there be any flubber in this movie?, [ Mutters ] Glavin, [ Laughs ] No, I'm afraid not, - Ah, for crying out glavin, - Is Mel Gibson here?, No, Sorry, but like all celebrities, he's in Hollywood,,, attending benefits for various diseases, [ Whistling, Cheering ] - [ Both Gasp ] - Did they like it?, - They haven't seen it yet, Mel, - How'd you get here from L,A, so fast?, John Travolta flew me in his jet, Now I have to help him move next weekend, He deliberately waited till we were in the air to ask me, You really didn't have to make this trip, Mel, The screening's gonna go fine, - Believe me.
- I don't know, I think this movie was a big mistake, All I do is talk for two hours, I don't shoot anybody, What was I thinking? You shouldn�t worry about the movie William and I both make it fabulous! And I think we know a little something about the movie business, [ Chuckles ] Oh, Robin, you've got to see the director's cut of Booty Call.
It's fabulous! What, even better than the original?, 'Cause that was pretty fabulous too, And he fought for them once, For the only reason any man ever does- because of one plain, simple rule.
, Love thy neighbor, Boring, It's not boring, He's passionate about government, [ Scoffs ] At least the Jimmy Stewart version,,, -had that giant rabbit who ran the savings and loan, -Shh! - [ Chattering ] - Excellent, - Fabulous, - That man knows how to filibuster, - Well, that was a stinker, - I liked it, It was nice to see a movie where people solve their problems with words,,, instead of bullets and chasing, Oh, you're just saying that because your boyfriend was in it, I'll bet you would've hated it if me and Lenny were Mr.
, Smith, Will you stop acting so jealous?, Listen, I don't want to get spotted by the crowd,,, so I'm gonna take a leak behind the Dumpster, - [Alarm Ringing] - [ All Gasp ] Look! It's Mel Gibson! Hey, everybody, rush over there! - Hey, Mel! - [ Gasps ] Mel! [ Laughing ] Hi the- Hey! Hi! Mel- Mel- Hi, everybody, [ All Gasp ] Hi, Mr.
, Gibson, Thanks for coming, folks, And don't be afraid,,, to be completely truthful when you fill out your opinion cards, Honesty is the foundation of the movie business, We'll be honest, [ Chuckles ] We could never lie to you, Mel, Um, will you be reading the cards yourself, Mel?, Well, I'll be reading yours personally, [ Growls ] - [ Gasping, Laughing ] - [ Murmuring ] [ Sputters ] That's it, I'm telling Mr.
, Stupidest Man Alive what I really thought of this movie, - Hey, Gibson! -Yes, sir?, - Got a pencil?, - There you go, Thanks, Waste my time in front of this stupid- Appreciate it, [ Muttering ] The movie tested through the roof, Mel, The sea captain gave it four "arr's," Bumblebee Man says "Muybueno.
" And we were worried about the Latino market, huh?, - Huh?, Huh?, Huh?, - Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, - Worry, - Come on, They can't all have loved it, "Loved it," "Loved it," "Loved it," "Loved it despite absence of flubber, Glavin"?, Oh, here we go, "Your movie was more boring than church, All you did was yak, yak, yak, You didn't even shoot anybody," Damn! I knew it, Ah, don't do this to yourself, Mel, The guy's obviously a nut, Maybe, Maybe he's the only person with the guts to tell me the truth, Turn the plane around, I want to go to 742 Evergreen Terrace, But you promised to help me move, Ah, geez, [Airplane Passing Overhead] - [ Doorbell Rings ] - Door, Marge, [ Groans ] - [ Gasps ] - I'm looking for,,, Homer Simpson, And I've been looking for you too, pal, - Pound him, Dad! - Bart, don't! Quiet! Dad's gonna get his butt kicked by Mel Gibson, Knock his teeth out, Homer, Listen, Gibson, I'm tired of Hollywood pretty boys like you,,, and Jack Valenti thinking you can have any woman you want, You see this?, It symbolizes that she's my property, and I own her, - Mr.
, Simpson, I need your help, - Huh?, I think you're right about my movie, and I want you to help me make it better, Really?, You want my help?, Marge, did you hear that?, Mel Gibson wants my help! Mel Gibson! - But, Dad, I thought you hated- - Shut up, Homer doesn't know anything about making movies, - Don't sell your husband short, Mrs.
, Simpson, - She's always doing that, Mel, - Oh, - Homer is a brutally honest man,,, - completely tactless and insensitive, - Guilty as charged, The problem I have is people love me so much they never criticize me, I speed all the time, but cops never give me a ticket, If l don't pay my taxes, the I,R.
S, pays them for me, - Oh, you poor thing, - It's hell being Mel, - [Horn Honks ] - Come on! Geez! I don't have much time, Homer, Will you come to Hollywood with me?, [ Sniffles ] You had me at "hello," I didn't say "hello," [Marge ] Hollywood, here we come! - Hollywood, here we are! - [ Lisa ] Stop doing that, Mom.
A minivan! Oh, boy, you celebrities sure know how to live, - What is this, Toyota Previa?, - Dodge Caravan, [ Whistles ] Sweet, Look! They're making a movie! Robert Downey Jr, is shooting it out with the police, - I don't see any cameras, - Okay, While Mel and I are working,,, why don't you guys do the town, I hear all the stars eat at a place called Planet Hollywood, - Can I stay with you, Dad?, - Sorry, Son, but we're going to be very busy, [ Whispering ] Mel's movie really stinks, Okay, This opening scene should be in fast motion, Everybody likes that 'cause it looks funny, [ High-pitched ] Mr.
, Smith is coming to Washington, He's really honest, - That could be bad news for us corrupt politicians, - Big deal, If he doesn't play ball, we'll teach him a thing or two, See ya, - [ Laughs ] - I don't think so, Okay, Here you need a musical montage where you try on lots of funny hats, - It'll let us see your playful side, - No, - Yeah, but- -Just no, For those of you who have always wanted to see the famous Brown Derby restaurant- - Ooh! - That's where it used to be, - [ Groans ] - And on your left,,, - is the notorious spot where Hugh Grant- - Ew! - filmed the movie Nine Months.
- Ew! You want me to replace the villain with a dog?, I mean, nobody will know what's going on, They will if you set up that the dog is evil, All you have to do is show him doing this- ?? [ Hums Dramatic Theme] And people will suspect the dog, Maybe this wasn't a good idea, Homer, I'm sorry I dragged you out here, Let me pay your bus fare home, Uh, uh, uh, Now here's your biggest problem of all, The filibuster scene?, That was Jimmy Stewart's favorite, And it was fine for the 1 930s, The country was doing great back then, Everyone was into talking, But now, in whatever year this is,,, the audience wants action, And seats with beverage holders, - But mainly action, - Really think the end is boring?, Oh, Mel, it's the most boring piece of garbage I've ever seen, And it's not easy for me to say that, Hmm, I guess it is a little flat, Okay, Let's reshoot the ending, I'll call the hair and makeup ladies, You see if the Teamsters will work for free, Piece of cake, Now where's that kid with my latte?, According to the map, this house is owned by the dog from Frasier.
- [ Dog Barks ] - And that's where Ellen DeGeneres and Anne Heche live, - [ Both ] We're lesbians! - [ Dog Howls ] - Okay, This new ending- - That we shot last night- is a little different than what we had, but I think you'll like it, It's missing some sound effects, and the computer guys haven't added the twinkle in my eye- Mel, you're coming off desperate, - Roll it, Louie! - [Projector Whirring] - Here comes two! - [ Beep ] Well, I'm not licked, And I'm gonna stay right here and fight for this lost cause, Somebody will listen to me, Somebody will- - [ Murmuring ] - I believe the senator has yielded the floor, [ Laughing ] Yield this, Senator Payne, [ Grunts ] [ Groans ] - [ Giggles ] - [ Both Grunting ] I move we impose some serious term limits, I second that motion, with a vengeance! - [ Clicks Tongue ] - [ Exclaims ] All in favor, say "Die," [ Warbling ] [ Screaming ] [ Shouting ] Mr.
, Smith, this is highly unorthodox, I'm the president of the United States,,, and I demand to know what's going on here, [ Screams ] Happy birthday, Mr.
, President, [ Cheering ] - Pretty cool, huh?, - You, uh- - You chopped off the president's head, - Bet you didn't see that coming, You impaled a United States senator with the American flag, Why did Mr.
, Smith kill everybody?, It was symbolism, He was mad! But this was going to be the studio's prestige picture,,, Like Howard's End or Sophie's Choice.
Ew! Those movies sucked, I only saw them to get Marge into the sack, P.
S, Mission accomplished, But we've already bought five Golden Globe awards, I don't make movies to win awards, Especially now that I have two Oscars, I make movies for guys like him, - Yeah, guys like me, - Who are you anyway?, Do the words "executive producer" mean anything to you?, - Executive producer?, - We'll talk, You've desecrated a classic film, This is worse than Godfather lll.
Whoa, Whoa, Hey, whoa, Let's not say things we can't take back, All right, all right, I'm sorry, But this film is never going to see the light of day, [ Both Gasp ] - Look, They're towing away a Range Rover, - [ All Gasp ] - There's no- - Oink! - Come on, Homer, We got a movie to premiere, - Whoo-hoo! We've got to get that film back, or we'll all be fired, You know what I mean?, - Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Fired, - Huh?, Huh?, Huh?, [ Tires Squeal ] - Give us the film! - Never! [ Woman On P.
] And on you left you'll see Rainier Wolfcastle filming his latest movie, Saving Irene Ryan.
- [ Gunfire ] - You put me down, you big lummox! -Jed! - Shut up, old lady, And stop kicking me there! - [ Shouting ] - Watch out! Coming through! - Homer! Land mine! - I'm on it! [ Both Screaming ] - Night, Mr.
, Gibson, - Night, Gus, [ Both Screaming ] [ Groans ] I'm getting too old for this crap, - How old are you anyway?, -Well, I've been told I can play anywhere from 28 to- Sorry I asked, - Aw, crap! Here they come! - Well, that's it, Homer, We should've known better than to match wits with studio executives, Hey, come on, Turn that Down Under frown upside down! We're not finished yet! Wow! These dummies look pretty good, Well, I've had a lot of surgery, old chum, Shh! Mr.
, Lamato said he'd fire us if you didn't stop bothering the customers, Homer, what are you doing here?, No time talk, Need steal car, Must save powerful but controversial movie, [ Gasps ] [ Sputtering ] Hello, Quick, Mel, get in, [ Sighs ] Forget it, Homer, Let's just give them the stupid movie, Movies aren't stupid! They fill us with romance and hatred and revenge fantasies, Lethal Weapon showed us that suicide is funny, That really wasn't my intention, Before Lethal Weapon 2, I never thought there could be a bomb in my toilet, But now I check every time, It's true, He does, Movies mean that much to you, Homer?, They're my only escape from the drudgery of work and family, - No offense, - Ah, what the heck, Let's hit the road, Shove over, junior, That thoughtless destruction will surely bankrupt the museum, old chum, Shut up! Mom, you gotta take my picture in this car so I can show Milhouse, Oh, sorry, honey, I used up the last roll on that man I thought was Judge Judy, - Well, I think we lost them, [ Grunts ] - [ Crash ] Oh, wait, There they are, [ Grunts ] - Let me try something, Take the wheel, Lisa, - But my Dad- - I said you, - We've got him now, [ All Scream ] Oh, no! We killed Mel Gibson! You all saw it, He came at me with a knife, right?, Wait a minute, He's just a dummy, I know, but he sells tickets, Let's go, - Oh, great idea, Mel, Now it's my turn, - [ Tires Screech ] - What are you doing?, - I'm tired of running away, Did Braveheart run away?, Did Payback run away?, It's time we showed those suits what we're made of, The heck is that?, The one on the left is Mel Gibson, I don't know who the other two guys are, Will you please tell me the rest of the plan?, It's your plan- from Braveheart.
Your army mooned the enemy,,, until they could take no more and surrendered, No, they didn't, They attacked us in a horribly bloody battle, Remember?, - Actually, I didn't see it, But on the poster- -Jump! [ Yelps, Screams ] - Homer, are you okay?, - I think so, - [ Metal Scrapes ] - No, - [Mr.
Smith ]All in favor, say "Die.
" - [ Gunfire ] Ooh, That digital sound really lets you hear the blood splatter, I don't get it, Mel, How can you be so calm and cool?, My stomach's full of vomiting butterflies, - ??[Ends ] - Okay, that's it, [ Hums ] Let's get ready to meet our public, [ Grumbling, Shouting ] - Well, that was disgusting, - Worst ending ever, I think I'm gonna be sick, I'm Jimmy Stewart's granddaughter, and you'll be hearing from my attorney, - Ooh! - Ow! - Oh, we should have put in the dog with the shifty eyes, - [ Grunts ] in today's crazy, gentle America for violent dinosaurs like us, How did the country lose its way, Mel?, When did we stop rooting for the man with the flamethrower,,, or an acid-spraying gun of some kind?, I blame the Internet, And the return of swing music, Well, whatever it is, we gotta get rolling on our next picture, Hey, what about a prequel to something?, Everybody loves prequels, - I don't, - [ Groans ] Okay, Mr.
, Difficult, How about a teen sex romp,,, where you and your buddies are always trying to get some?, No, wait! A ghost who wins the lottery, You could be the ghost or the lottery commissioner, Ooh! What about Indiana Jones? Does anyone own the rights to that? [ Grunts ] Hey, Mel! I fell out! ?? [ Dramatic Theme ] [ Dog Howls ] - Shh! - [ Warbling]