Here is a great collection of Simpsons Scripts . My grand momma loves to read these on the potty.
The Simpsons Episode Scripts
AABF02 - D'oh-in' in the Wind
Well, let's see what I've packed for myself today.
One bouillon cube.
One Concord grape.
One Philly cheesesteak.
And a jar of garlic pickles.
[ Laughs ] No one will want to kiss me after these, eh, Smithers? Well, it's their loss, sir.
[ Laughs ] Yes.
[ Grunting, Sighs ] Allow me, sir.
[ Grunting, Sighs ] It's no use.
Shall I send out for some Chinese? No.
Those people are all gristle.
I want this jar open.
[ Grunting, Panting ] Worthless old geezers.
Next! [ Spits ] All righty.
[ Stammering, Grunting ] [ Muttering, Shouting ] [ Sighs ] Oh, for goodness' sake.
What we need around here is some fresh blood.
Would you like me to drain Simpson while he's passed out, sir? No, no.
To attract the top grads we'll need to make a recruitment film a picture that showcases our cutting-edge technology.
- A talkie, sir? - [ Gasps ] Yes.
That's just the kind of far-out gimmick we need.
##[ Fanfare ] And action! - Wow! What a graduation.
- I'll say.
But with college behind us, we'll need careers, and good ones.
What about chestnut roasting? People always need chestnuts.
I know a place that'll saw your legs off.
Slow down, fellas.
I've got a way we can keep our legs and still have a bright future.
- Now you're dreamin'.
- Oh, am I? ##[ Fanfare ] Of course! Nuclear power! - It's the job of tomorrow today! - Really? Well, that settles it.
For all those reasons and more let us choose an electrifying career in- - Line? - Nuclear power.
You dunderheaded stooges are the worst bunch of- [ Fanfare ] - Hey! - Pretty good, huh? Well, it's better than that last Barbra Streisand movie.
I didn't quite get the point of it.
Why would Lenny want someone to saw his legs off? Well, there were script problems from day one.
- Didn't seem like anyone even read the script.
- That was the problem.
The important thing is, after all these years of paying my dues I'm finally getting some decent parts.
You're joining the Screen Actors Guild? I didn't choose to be a gifted actor, Marge.
It chose me.
I'm merely a vessel through which genius flows.
Now help me make up some phony credits.
- Fat Guy Number Three? - Good.
Hey, Dad, it says they need your full name.
You only put down your middle initial.
Hey, what the heck is your middle name anyway? You know, I have no idea.
Hey, Dad, what does the ''J'' stand for? How should I know? [ Grunting ] It was your mother's job to name ya and love ya and such.
I was mainly in it for the spankin'.
But I can't ask Mom.
She's on the run from the law.
Serves her right for bein' a '60s radical! Though she was a demon in the sack.
[ Shudders, Laughs ] So, Dad, regarding that form why not just make up a middle name? You might as well.
You already made up a phony film credit.
Homer Simpson does not lie twice on the same form.
He never has, and he never will.
You lied dozens of times on our mortgage application.
Yeah, but they were all part of a single ball of lies.
The point is, I'm a grown man, and I deserve a middle name.
I know where we might find your missing moniker.
It's a bit of a drive, but on the way we can have a nice father-son chat.
I'll go shoot myself for bringing this up.
[ Tires Screeching ] This is the hippie commune your mother ran off to when life with me became a living hell.
Look at this place.
There's a pond for skinny dippin', a tire for skinny swingin; I can actually feel the good vibrations.
[ Bees Buzzing ] [ Slowly ] Ouch.
I remember them- Seth and Munchie.
Look at those filthy, lazy, flea-ridden- Oh, hi there! Hey, check it out.
Is that Abe Simpson? Geez, man.
We haven't seen you since Woodstock.
You went to Woodstock? Your mother dragged us both to that godforsaken lovefest! [ Crowd Cheering ] [ Electric Guitar Playing ] Boo! Bring on Sha Na Na! Whoa! Mellow out, Abe.
Little Homer's trying to groove.
[ Vocalizing ] [ Vocalizing Hard Rock ] Shame on you, boy! Put some damn pants on and then pull 'em down! 'Cause it's time for a spankin'! Get a load of Captain Bring Down.
- Whoa! - Yeah, whoa! But I wanna play in the mud and be a hippie! Never! What you need's a good long hitch in Vietnam! There must be an enlistment tent around here somewhere.
If I'd have left it up to your mother you'd have ended up in a hellhole like this just lyin' around, never workin' without a care in your head full of long, luxurious hippie hair! ##[ Sitar Playing ] Oh, HomerJ.
, how do you keep your hair so rich and full? Lather, rinse and repeat.
, will you teach us to make love? Wow.
I could have lived like that? You know, Homer, your mom was a pretty groovy chick.
And a demon in the sack.
[ Chuckling ] Ah, you heard about that, eh? [ Chuckles ] He heard.
Anyway, I still think about her every time I walk by that mural she painted.
Oh! My mother painted that for me? Oh, my God! My middle name is right behind that shrub.
I'll finally know what ''J'' stands for.
From this moment forth, I will be known as Homer Jay Simpson! [ Sniffles ] It's so beautiful.
What a magical gift for my mother to leave me.
She also left her old poncho.
Get off of there, Ginsberg! [ Dog Yelps ] I'll treasure this poncho forever.
Uh, you might want to wash that.
The dog has a lot of skin and bladder problems.
We got what we came for.
Plus that stink rag to boot.
Now let's hit the road.
[ Grampa's Voice ]Just lyin'around never workin', without a care in- My head full of long, luxurious hippie hair! - I'll do it! - What? I'm gonna be a hippie, just like Mom wanted.
I'm gonna let my spirit soar and love all of God's creatures.
- Get up, you stupid dog! - [ Yelps, Growls ] Okay, if I'm gonna be a real hippie I have to learn from the master Mr.
Bob ''Flower Child'' Hope.
- Hey, peace, man.
I'm a hippie.
- [ Audience Cheering ] Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Jill St.
- [ Crowd Cheering ] - ##[ Intro ] Hey, Bob, I just came to invite you to the love-in.
- [ Gurgles ] - I got you a date with the perfect flower child- Phyllis Diller.
- ##[ Drums ] - [ Audience Laughing ] Let's get it on.
[ Cackling ] Now I know how Dean Rusk feels.
Good night, everybody.
By George, I've got it! - ## [ Humming ] - Dad, do you mind? Your feet are really close to my potato.
Your potato? You can't, like, own a potato, man.
It's one of Mother Earth's creatures.
- [ Belches ] - Homer, excuse yourself.
No way, narc! Bodily functions are a natural thing.
- Not to mention hilarious.
- [ Fart Noise ] You know, I really don't appreciate being called a narc.
And that poncho is filthy.
Let me dry-clean it for you.
Would you-Why do you have to turn everything into one big plastic hassle? Marge, you got too many hang-ups.
Like the whole shaving trip.
Come on! I want to see those legs all furry and gross.
- That ain't gonna happen, bub.
- Well, at least lose the bra.
Free the Springfield two, Marge! Free the Springfield two! I think you've had too much strawberry wine.
[ Humming ] [ Maude Screams ] Help.
! Oh, I've never seen anything like- My eyes have been soiled.
Come on, Maude! The human wang is a beautiful thing.
Homer, for God sakes, put your poncho on.
! Okay, okay! Narc.
[ Both Grunting ] - Ahhh! - Ohhh! - Heads up! - Hey, it's HomerJay! My man! You've gone granola! - Right on! -Join the hack.
[ Grunts ] Oh.
That was cool.
I think I'll stick around.
We've got everything we need right here.
- [ Gurgles ] - [ Horn Blares ] Okay, time to get back to work.
Work? But you're hippies! - Oh, we were on a break.
- Time is money, man.
Huh? What is this place? We are the largest organic juice company in Springfield.
We grow our own vegetables and process them right here and we give half the profits to war orphans.
Profits, profits, profits! What kind of hippies are you? Peter Fonda must be spinning in his grave.
Hey, we're just trying to pay the bills, Homer.
I mean, we're still hippies at heart.
Oh, yeah? When's the last time you freaked out the establishment? You guys are total sell-outs! Wait! Don't you work for a nuclear power plant? Look.
We can sit here all day and play the blame game or we can start freaking people out! Come on! Where's your freak bus? - I drive a Saturn.
- A Saturn? We used to have a bus.
In a way, the '60s ended the day we sold it- December 31 , 1 969.
Yeah, an old-time freak-out sounds tempting, Homer but we've got a big order to fill.
I guess the juice business is more important than the ideals our hippie forefathers refused to go to war and die for.
[ Sighs ] I suppose we could duck out for a couple hours.
Hey, we'll call it a business trip and write off the mileage.
Now your freak flag's flyin'! Let the freak-out begin! Whoo-hoo! ##['60s Rock ] Ohh.
- We're never gonna freak anybody out with this music.
- ##[ Stops ] I brought something from my personal stash that'll blow some minds.
##['80s Pop ] - ##[ Continues ] - Will you turn that down just a little? ##['60s Rock ] Hey, square! Expand your mind! The doors of perception are open for business! [ Chuckles ] Thanks for the tip, Homer.
##[ Ends ] Never fear! The cosmic fool is here to blow the lid off your conformist, button-down world! - [ Laughing ] - Weirdos.
We're freaking out squares.
- Oh, Lord.
- What's in your brand-new bag, mama? It's that pair of Dockers you wanted.
48 waist with the balloon seat, right? - [ Laughing ] - Marge! Not in front of the hippies.
- ##[ Kazoo ] - Uh-oh.
- I don't like the sound of that.
- ## [ Continues ] Oh, please, God, don't let them come in here.
- [ All Gasping ] - Hear ye! Hear ye! The intergalactic jester proclaims this conformity factory closed! [ Children Cheering ] Whoo-hoo! Hmm.
Fifteen years of loyal service, and this is how they tell me? Ajester with an invisible proclamation.
##['80s Pop ] That was fun.
I don't know if we actually freaked anyone out, but- - No, no, no.
Marge was definitely freaked out.
- Thanks, Homer.
It was nice to reconnect with our hippie roots, if only for a- What the hell! - Oh, no! - Oh, man! [ Munchie Groaning ] Your Frisbee jammed the juice-ilator, Homer.
Our entire shipment is ruined! Uh, uh, pretty, uh, freaky, huh? The only people who are going to be freaked out are our stockholders! I'm sensing some negative vibes here.
But I promise tomorrow's freak-out will go a lot smoother.
There won't be any more freak-outs.
You're not a hippie, and you never were.
- Yes, but-but the poncho- - Please, Homer just leave us alone.
How could you let me turn into you? Bu-Bu-But the poncho! [ Mimicking ] ''Bu-Bu-But the poncho.
'' Hit the road, square.
[ Grunts ] Uh-oh.
[ Seth Shouting ] Oh, for cryin'out loud.
! Stunned league officials say point shaving may have occurred in as many as three Harlem Globetrotters games.
And in business news, Groovy Grove Juice Corporation has announced it will miss delivery on its third-quarter shipment.
A spokesman attributed the production shutdown to a half-witted oaf.
Ah, it was sweet of those guys to blame an oaf but really it was my fault.
I just don't have the discipline to be a hippie.
Oh, does this mean you're going to start showering again? Perhaps, in time.
Ah, cheer up, Dad.
You make a great hippie.
Ah, you're just saying that.
You're lazy and self-righteous.
And the soles of your feet are jet-black.
Well, I do walk through pretty much anything.
Oh, you kids are sweet.
I know you feel bad about the juice incident but I'm sure you can make up for it somehow.
That's it! Somehow! Sleep, gentle hippies.
Let old HomerJay set things right.
##['60s Rock ] ##[ Continues ] Huh? - [ Gopher Squealing ] - [ Screaming ] ##[ Continues ] [ Screaming ] ##[ Song Ends ] Good morning, starshine, Seth.
[ Both Gasp ] - What's going on? - What happened to our crops? I picked 'em,juiced 'em and delivered 'em to every store in town.
Your business is saved.
But there weren't enough vegetables left to fill that order.
[ Laughs ] That's what I thought at first.
But then I found the other garden behind the barn the one with the camouflage netting.
- Homer those were our personal vegetables.
Well, now the whole town can benefit from their nutrients.
##[ Psychedelic Rock ] [ Sighs ] Fergie! Willie, you complete me.
- ##[ Continues ] - Saints be praised! Oh, closer.
I've always dreamed of this moment.
[ Moaning ] [ Gulping ] - [ Screams ] - [ Growling ] [ Screams ] [ Growling Continues ] Oh! Thanks, Pinky! You've always been there for me.
- [ Gasps ] - [ Bears Giggling ] Mornin', Ned.
- Pucker up, Ned.
- [ Screams ] ##[ Continues ] [ Both Laughing ] [ Both Laughing ] - We are so old.
[ Laughing ] Lou! Lou! Are you all right? The electric yellow has got me by the brain banana.
My God! It's nothin' but carrots and peyote.
Damn longhairs never learn, Chief.
Yeah, it's time for an old-fashioned hippie ass-whomping.
[ Sirens Wailing ] Attention, hippies! Come out peacefully so we can smash your drug mill and all your worldly possessions.
We can explain.
Not so fast, pig! We're making a stand! A freaky stand! You can smash this drug barn all you want but first you'll have to smash our heads open like ripe melons! This man does not represent us.
All right, boys, set your nightsticks on whomp.
Uh, mine's stuck on twirl.
Oh, for the love of- There.
Now let's crack some skulls.
Seth, Munchie, they can destroy our bodies and our ponchos but they can never silence our song of protest.
[ Singing '80s Pop ] - Come on, guys.
- Forget the clubs.
Just shoot 'em.
- [ Rifles Cocking ] - Look at yourselves.
Pointing guns at your fellow man.
Hatred is a cage that keeps us from soaring free.
Yes, the '60s may be dead and gone and its spirit long since extinguished but its ideals live on.
Freedom, love and peace.
! [ Bell Chimes ] - Doctor, will he be all right? - Yes.
He was lucky.
If that had been a gladiola, he'd be dead right now.
- Why don't you just pull it out? - [ Laughing ] I'm a doctor, not a gardener.
Can't you just prune some of the leaves so I can watch TV? What did I just say? ##[ Sitar ] ##[ Homer Singing '80s Pop ] ##[ Ends ] I buried Flanders.
##[ Ends ] I buried Flanders.
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