Here is a great collection of Simpsons Scripts . My grand momma loves to read these on the potty.
The Simpsons Episode Scripts
AABF20 - Thirty Minutes Over Tokyo
- Dad, it's not-- - "Gigabytes.
" [ Laughing ] They've done it again.
" Wait--This isn't Weird.
Why, there's no magazine called Weird, is there? This is Wired.
It's about computers and technology.
There's a cybercafe opening right here in Springfield.
Will you take me, Dad? Please? I'll showyou how to order pizza over the Internet.
The Internet? Is that thing still around? I know a Web site that shows monkeys doin' it.
Bart, the Internet is more than a global pornography network.
- It's a-- - [Horn Honks ] - Come on, Lisa.
- [ Groans ] Ach.
Let's see what's been captured on the up-kilt camera.
[ Beeps, Whirs ] Ew.
This lass needs a bit of grounds keeping.
Eh? Aah! That's Willie! My name is Mary.
I'm 45, heavy and willing to settle for less.
This Mary's got the whole package.
You're surfin' like a pro.
I'm betting on jai alai in the Cayman Islands.
I invested in something called News Corp-- - Dad! That's Fox! - [ Screams ] Undo! Undo! [ Groans ] Dad, do we have any money left? Well, let's check the old bank account.
- [ Beeps ] - See? Even aftermycybersquandering we've still got $1,200.
- All right, dorks, this is a holdup.
- [ Gasping, Murmuring ] Oh, yes! Download to papa.
- [ Beeping ] - Yoink dot adios, back-slash losers.
- [ Groans ] - [Marge ] We were robbed? You seem to know an awful lot about this for an innocent person.
We were saving that money for our familyvacation.
Now we're gonna have to start all over again.
- [ Groans ] - Aw, don't worry, sweetheart.
I'll get us the money-- even ifl have to get a second job.
Low on funds again? - Yes, sir.
- Now, Homer, we can't have you burglarizing us every timeyou got a bill to pay.
I know, sir.
I'm sorry, sir.
It's just thatyou and Maude live like royalty in your fancy castle while I got Marge trapped over there like a pig in a mud beehive.
Oh, we're--We're not as well offas you think.
We give to eight different churches just to hedge our bets and the Leftorium's business has gone way down hill since Leftopolis moved in next door.
Ifyou're not rich, then how come you have a new refrigerator an electric can opener, a milk shake machine? [ Chuckling ] We picked those up cheap.
- Theywere evidence at a murder trial.
We got that tip at the Chuck Garabedian Mega-Savings Seminar.
- Go on.
- He taught us how to live a Burt Reynolds lifestyle on a Mac Davis income.
We've already got tickets for his next seminar.
I thinkyou'll find living thrifty a lot more satisfying than stealing.
Maybeyou're right, Ned.
Areyou tired ofmissing out on the good things in life-- Familyvacations,jet packs, Solid Gold Dancers? There's onlythree left in theworld.
Well, stick around, 'cause I'm gonna tell you the 1 2 savings secrets Wall Street won't tell you.
Then I'll showyou the threeways to get back to the highway-- including one shortcut those Wall Street fat cats don't wantyou to know.
- [ Cheering ] - Oh, here we go with the fat-cat bashing.
Well, what doyou expect? Theseyokels are pure Baltic Avenue.
[ Chuckles ] Uh-oh! I'm late for the Short Line Railroad.
[ Tires Squeal ] Let's start with mega secret number one: "Ya gotta squeeze every penny.
" You see this tux? I got it cheap 'cause Roy Cohn died in it.
- [ Murmuring ] - That fancyyacht? A bargain, 'cause it smells like cat pee.
- [ Murmuring ] - Andthose beautiful women? - They used to be men.
- [ Groaning ] The point is, ya gotta squeeze every penny.
Come on, let me hearyou.
[ Together] Squeeze every penny.
Squeeze every penny.
I'm squeezing it.
- [ Slurping Sound ] - Hey, I squeezed so hard it went into my hand.
Oh, Homer, not again.
We're gonna do our grocery shopping at a 99-cent store? Well, maybe foryourwedding.
- [ Bart ] How about here? - Not ifwe want that vacation.
They haveyour dress.
[ Groans ] Thirty-three cents? I paid almost double that.
Blue? Wow! This plankton's only 33 cents.
According to the Mexican Council of Food this expired twoyears ago.
Sure, by their standards, but we live in America.
[ Chomping, Groaning ] This also says it can cause red tide poisoning.
But it's so cheap.
Well, let's see what's in the old vacation fund.
Homer, you could have just unscrewed the bottom.
A little late for "could-haves," Marge.
I don't think there's enough here for a vacation.
There is for a Mega-Savings vacation.
Chuck Garabedian says you can fly mega cheap ifyou don't care whereyou go.
Just go to the airport and wait for some no-shows.
Then you can buy their seats for a fraction ofthe price.
Areyou going through our garbage? That's right.
You fat cats didn't finish your plankton.
Now it's mine.
Hawaii, here we come.
We're going to Paris.
I can feel it.
Come on, Transylvania.
[ With Jamaican Accent ] No, mon, let's go home toJamaica.
I and I been in Babylon too long.
[Woman On P.
Flight 605 to Tokyo is readyfor departure and has fouravailable mega-saverseats.
- [ Both ] Yeah! - Come on, Homer.
No, not Japan, Jamaica.
I wanna pass the dutchie on the left-hand side.
Looks like the Flanders are gonna get those seats anyway.
Oh, so Flanders thinks he can steal ourvacation, huh? - [ Groans ] - Come on! - Whoo! - [ Horn Honking ] - Sayonara, suckers.
- [ Snarls ] Yea! The Simpsons are going toJapan.
[GongSounds ] Hey, watch the gong,jerk.
Come on, Homer.
Japan will be fun.
- You liked Rashomon.
- That's not how I remember it.
Besides, ifwe wanna see Japanese people - we could have gone to the zoo.
- Homer! What? The guywho washes the elephants is Japanese.
His name is Takashi.
He's in my book club.
The safety instructions are written in haiku.
"Fasten seat belts tight.
"Your seat cushions float gently.
Headsets, five dollars.
" [ Beeping ] Sir, it is not safe to use electronic devices yet.
- You're the waitress.
- [ Beeps ] [Attendant] Turn it back on! Turn it back on! Ooh.
I never knew Jim Belushi made so many movies.
Yeah, isn't it amazing? They're filming one right now in the bathroom.
Gonna be on towards the end ofthe flight.
Toga! Toga! Toga 2,000! Marge, they stole my idea.
The local time is tomorrow.
[ Homer] Here's our room.
Homer, you're supposed to slide those doors open.
I don't have time for that.
[ Grunts ] [ Man's Voice ] Welcome.
I am honored to acceptyourwaste.
- [ Beeps ] - ?? [ Bells ] [ Gasps ] They'reyears ahead of us.
Mom! Lise! Check it out.
Dad's on TV.
- Oh, yeah! - [Marge, Bart, Lisa Screaming] [ Gasps ] It's breathtaking.
There's the Imperial Gardens.
The Meiji Shrine.
The Hello Kittyfactory.
[ Cats Yowling] [ Yowling Stops ] Who's up for some exploring? - Hey, I 'm still checking out Japanese TV.
- ?? [ Synthesizers ] Isn't this that cartoon that causes seizures? [ Beeping ] [ Grunting, Groaning ] Bart, what areyou doing? [ Grunting, Groaning ] Hey, what the-- [ Grunting, Groaning ] Hmm.
[ Grunting, Groaning ] - Robots be right back.
- Whoo! - All that seizing made me hungry.
- Me too.
Let's go to an authentic Japanese noodle house.
The toilet recommended a place called Americatown.
Dad, we didn't come halfway around the world to eat at Americatown.
I'd like to see theJapanese take on the club sandwich.
I bet it's smaller and more efficient.
[ Man ] We now return to BattlingSeizure Robots.
- [ Beeping ] - [ All Moaning ] [ Mechanical Clicking ] I can't believe they stuck us at "Tax-a-chusetts.
" - Hey, you know, I once knew a man from Nantucket.
- And? Let's just say the stories about him are greatly exaggerated.
I am average American Joe salary-man waiter.
These prices suck.
Don'tyou serve anything that's even remotelyJapanese? Don't ask me.
I don't know anything.
I am product of American education system.
I also build poor-quality cars and inferior-style electronics.
[ Laughs ] Oh, they got our number.
One square watermelon, please.
Oh, my goodness.
Homer, those are $1 50.
It's worth every cent.
I'm tired offumbling with round fruit.
D'oh! Well, maybe we should just head back to the hotel.
Butyou promised me we'd do somethingJapanese.
Oh, of courseyou're right.
You know, I read about a Shinto teahouse where they practice the traditional-- Run, Bart! - Hey.
Isn't that Woody Allen? - Hmm.
Looks like he's doing a commercial.
Oh! [ Clears Throat ] Hello.
[ Clears Throat ] So many rice crackers claim to be low-cal but only Fujikawa rice crackers makeyour interiors go bananas.
What did I do to deserve this? Oh, right.
Hey, what's Baby Huey doin'? - Says here they throw salt before theywrestle to purify the ring.
- Spare some salt, tubby? - Tubby? [ Speaking Japanese ] - Yoink.
- Hey, that's mine! [ Yells ] - Hey.
- [ Grunts ] - [ Crowd Groans ] - Like we say in my county, "Hasta la vista, baby.
I am the emperor.
Yeah? And I'm "clobber-saurus.
" [ Gasping, Sighing ] All hail Emperor Clobbersaurus.
[ Booing ] Yourwife has paid your bail, Mr.
Couldn't take another minute in this hellhole.
[ Chomping ] Now can we do somethingJapanese? Oh, I'm sickofdoingJapanese stuff.
In jail we had to be in this dumb Kabuki play about the 47 Ronin and I wanted to beYoshi, but they made me Ori.
Then we had to do two hours of origami followed by flower arranging and meditation.
[ SpeakingJapanese ] Honey, I knowyou wanna seeJapan but we're down to our last million yen.
Don't worry, ichiban.
I'll showyou somethingJapanese.
Oh, it's beautiful, Dad.
It's a crane.
TheJapanese believe they bring good luck.
Oh, be careful.
We need that money to get home.
- [ Marge Gasps ] No! - [Japanese ] [Man ] Now, Mr.
Simpson I knowyou lost allyourmoney, but don't worry.
The United States will not stand idly by while one of its citizens is stuck here like this.
[ Grunts, Groans ] But, Mr.
Ambassador, how are we going to get home? Beats me.
Try getting a job and earning some money.
That's what I did.
By the way, "ambassador" is taken.
[ Groaning ] Every truckload offish we gut brings us 31 cents closer to those tickets home.
And I think I finally found what I was put on this Earth to do.
Knife goes in, guts come out.
Knife goes in, guts come out.
Spare my life and I will grantyou three wi-- - [ Screams ] - Knife goes in, guts come out.
Yippee! Time for the company loyalty song.
?? [ Singing ] [ Groans ] Well, this sucks.
What else is on? - [Bell Ringing] - [ Cheering ] [ Laughs ] Thankyou.
You have fulfilled our dreams, and dreams of our ancestors.
[MaleAnnouncer] Tune in tomorrow, when anotherluckyfamily tries to win their dreams on Happy Smile Super Challenge Family Wish Show.
Family Wish Show.
That gives me an idea.
I thinkwe all had that idea.
What is it? Lunch? Thankyou, thankyou.
And welcome to our contestants from America, the Simpson family.
- You honor us.
- Don't patronize me.
Now, Simpson family, haveyou picked a wish? Well, I haven't talked it overwith the family-- [ Chuckles ] but I thinkwe'd all like a free dinner at Americatown.
No, no, no.
We want plane tickets home to Springfield.
[ Cheering, Whistling ] Now, our game shows are a little different from yours.
Your shows reward knowledge.
We punish ignorance.
Ignor--What? [ Screams ] - [ Laughing ] - Okay, let's begin.
Our categories are: "Ow.
" "Whyareyou doing this to me?" - And "Please let me die.
" - [Bell Dings ] - "Ow.
" - Oh, yeah, number one.
I don't know.
I like "Why are you doing this?" - "Ow.
" - We'll go with "Ow.
That hurts," Skip.
- My name is Wink.
- [ Groans ] [ Laughing, Chattering ] All right, Simpsons, whack the pi�ata.
- [ Groaning ] - Come on! Whack thatpig open.
Whack it open.
- [ Laughing ] - Good.
You may remove your blindfolds.
- [ Groaning ] - Oh, sorry, Dad.
- We didn't know.
- I had an inkling.
- Could someone please whack my hernia back in? - Sure, thing, Dad.
Simpson, we'll cutyou down as soon as you answer one question aboutJapan.
- Is the answer "Japan"? - Actually, it is.
[ Speaking Japanese ] That means you move on to the lightning round.
- [ Moans ] - [ThunderRumbling] - [ Screams ] - He seems okay but he is being burned internally.
[ Screaming ] Hey, isn't that Homer on theJapanese Channel? Ifthat's Homer, then who the hell's been puttin' beers on his tab? D'oh.
Uh--That boy ain't right.
[Host] Congratulations, Simpsons.
The airline tickets are yours.
All you have to do is to pick them up from inside that volcano.
- Why are you so cruel? - [ Laughing ] - Why are you so cruel? - [ Laughing ] This vacation really blows.
Well, at least we're past the lighting round.
[ Screams ] Hmm.
I sure hope they don't have an ice cream round.
[ Screams ] Mmm.
I don't think that bridge can support much weight.
Well, Maggieweighs a lot less than--Oh, I'll just go.
[ Groaning ] [Together] Plummet! Plummet! Plummet! Plummet! Plummet!Plummet!Plummet! Plummet!Plummet! Plummet! Yes! Got 'em.
- [ Together] U.
-- - [ Buzzes ] [ Screams ] [ Gasps ] Lisa! - [ Screams ] - [ Grunts ] - Oh! - Marge! Your shoe! The plane tickets! [ Grunting ] Whoa! Whoa! Oh, I'm afraid this might be the end.
Well, at least we'll die doing what we love-- inhaling molten rock.
[ All Screaming ] [ Cheering ] [ Screams ] It burns! It burns! Don'tworry, that "lava" is just orangeade made by our sponsor, Osaka Orangeade Concern.
- It burns! It burns! - It's loaded with wasabi.
You have won your freedom.
[Audience Cheering] Before I go, I want to say something.
Game shows aren't about cruelty.
They're about greed and wonderful prizes Iike poorly built catamarans.
But somewhere along the line, you lostyourway.
- For shame.
- [ Groaning ] Coming up next, a Canadian couple who say they are deathly afraid ofscorpions.
- Oh, that stings, eh.
- [ Screams ] - Ooh, God! Ow! Ooh! - [ Screaming ] Sting those Canucks.
[ Laughs ] I love this show.
Take that, you stupid hosers.
[ Groans ] Good-bye,Japan.
I'll missyour KentuckyFried Chicken and your sparkling, whale-free seas.
- Hey, what's goin' on? - What's happening? [ Beeping ] [Man On P.
] Folks, we're experiencing some moderate Godzilla-related turbulence at this time, so I'm gonna go ahead - and askyou to putyour seat belts back on.
- [ Screechi ng ] When we get to 35,000 feet he usually does let go so from there on out, all we have to do - [ Yawni ng ] - is worry about Mothra, and we do have reports he's tied up with Gamera and Rodan at the present time.
- Thankyou very much.
- [ Roari ng, Screechi ng ] [ Godzilla Screeches ] - [ Murm uri ng ] - Shh! [ Homer Screams ] Undo! Undo! [ Groans ]