Here is a great collection of Simpsons Scripts . My grand momma loves to read these on the potty.
The Simpsons Episode Scripts
AABF18 - They Saved Lisa's Brain
Shut up-a your mouth! [ Announcer] Ethnic Mismatch Comedy #644 has been canceled.
While we scramble to find new programming please enjoy this encore presentation of Princess Di's funeral.
[ Groans ] I was really starting to enjoy.
Ethnic Mismatch Comedy #644.
! I've never heard so many Viagra jokes in 30 seconds.
Shut up-a your mouth! [ Announcer ] Attention, Springfield.
! How low will you go- [ Gasps ] to win a trip to Hawaii? This Saturday, ourjudges will select the lowest, most disgusting nitwit in town and send him straight to Maui.
Sponsored by Grandma Plopwell's the low fat pudding that's approved for sale -by the government.
- [ Patriotic ] All right! A gross-out contest! Grandma Plopwell, you've done it again! - Care for a free sample? - Thank you.
For low fat, this pudding's pretty good.
I can feel the pounds just melting off.
Our new hyper sugar gives you 300% of your minimum daily sweetness requirement.
- [ Panting ] - Hmm.
Do you suffer from diabetes? [ Shivering ] No.
Well, you do now.
We are here live in the K.
parking lot to see how low will you go.
Our most disgusting contestant will win a free trip to Hartford, Connecticut.
- I thought it was Hawaii.
- No one said Hawaii.
Now let's get stupid with our first contestant - the human garbage disposal! - [ Applause ] Ladles and jelly spoons, I will now take going low to new heights.
I will swallow anything- and I mean anything- you people throw.
- Here, take this! - [ All Shouting ] [ Coughs ] Please, no more spark plugs.
Lisa, would you like a penny to throw at your brother? Unbelievable.
We're rewarding people for acting like buffoons.
Young lady, this may be the high point of Bart's life.
Cut him some slack.
- [ Belches ] - [ All Cheering ] No, wait.
That wasn't a trick.
I was gonna juggle chickens.
- [ Moans ] - [ Clucking ] [ Deejay #2 ] Next up, Homer and his amazing Redenbacher Dreamcoat with a number he calls ''Kernel Knowledge.
'' [ Singing ] [ Popcorn Popping ] Four? [ Screaming ] Oh, no! [ Screams ] Oh, this is so embarrassing! - Lisa, did anyone force you to come here today? - You.
Well, no one's forcing you to stay.
- Okay, I'm leaving.
You're not going anywhere, missy.
[ Crowd Booing ] But it's me, Moe, wearing a sailor suit.
Moe with a lolly.
[ Chuckles ] It's so out of character.
Ain't that worth nothin'? - [ Booing ] - [ Woman ] Come on.
All right,judges, who is our winner? The winner is me for being seen with you freaks.
Judges can't win the contest! Boo! You have robbed us of our dignity.
Well, you- [ Gasps ] A urinal cake! You, sir, have crossed the line.
Oy! [ Crowd Shouting ] People, stop, stop.
! We're not animals.
! [ Ape Calls ] Take that! [ All Cheering ] [ Groans, Gasps ] [ Moans, Gasps ] An open letter to the people of Springfield.
Today, our town lost what remained of its fragile civility drowned in a sea of low fat pudding.
- Look, I got runner-up prize.
- You won second place? No, but I got it.
Stealing is wrong.
''Free boudoir photography.
'' Sweet! Hmm.
[ Mutters, Gasps ] Oh, right.
We are a town of lowbrows, no brows and ignorami.
We have eight malls, but no symphony.
Thirty-two bars, but no alternative theater.
Thirteen stores that begin with ''Le Sex.
'' I write this letter not to nag or whine, but to prod.
We can better ourselves.
- [ Pig Squealing ] - Yeehaw! Well, most of us.
Dad, did you see anything provocative in today's paper? Yes, there's a real think piece here about a bra sale.
Dad, stop kidding around.
They printed my letter.
Hey, that is wonderful, sweetie.
I'm gonna read it just as soon as I finish what I'm doing here.
Well, I'm sure someone had the time to read it.
I envy them.
I see you're reading the newspaper.
[ Chuckles ] Everything but the opinion page.
I don't need to be told what to think by anyone living.
Oh, you sure got a lot of copies of the paper.
Yeah, I need to housebreak our new police dog.
Plus, it couldn't hurt Ralphie to brush up on the fundamentals.
Daddy says I'm this close to living in the yard.
[ Groans ] Doesn't anybody in this town read? Oh, hello, Lisa.
Can you recommend any books for my mobile? Oh, absolutely.
Well, you know, anything byJane Austen.
I'll get right on it.
[ Gasps ] ''We read your letter with great interest.
''If you wish to learn more, go to 1 3 Euclid street.
Tell no one.
And bring a dessert.
'' - Oooh.
- [ Bart ] Hey, Lise.
- [ Squealing ] - Whoa! Whoa! - [ Bell Chiming ] - [ Male Voice, Deep ] Lisa Simpson are you ready to go on a voyage of intellectual self-discovery? I think so.
Is that a pie or a quiche? - A pie.
- [ Voices Chattering ] You may enter.
- [ Gasps ] - Welcome to Mensa, Lisa! It's the organization for people with high I.
I know that.
It's also a constellation visible only from the southern hemisphere.
She's very good.
[ Laughs ] And she brought a cream pie.
You want me to join Mensa? Oh, that's wonderful.
But don't I have to take some sort of I.
test? No, Lisa, you're more than qualified.
I shared all your standardized test scores with the other members.
- Aren't those supposed to be confidential? - Welcome to Mensa! You've joined such luminaries as cartoonist, Mel Lazarus Geena Davis and Parade magazine's Marilyn vos Savant.
Each the tops in his or her field uh, except for Mel Lazarus.
I'm so honored you wanted me.
Well, it was your delightfully condescending letter that put you over the top.
- Lindsay Neagle, Advanced Capital Ventures.
- Oh, what do you produce? Synergy, and books on how to cheat at bridge.
Lisa, I think you'll really enjoy it here.
Now, let's get down to business.
Any new palindromes? [ Clears Throat ] Rise to vote, sir.
Now, you know the agenda.
Palindromes, anagrams, eat Lisa's pie, then voting.
But ''rise to vote, sir'' is a palindrome.
- Good glavin.
- Told you.
Lisa, I think you're gonna fit in just fine around here.
Me, fit in.
I have a certificate for a free erotic photo session.
- Oh, yes.
Your name? - Uh, Geraldo Simpson.
- All right, Mr.
Simpson- - [ Screams ] Who told you? Don't worry.
These photos are perfectly legal.
Many husbands use them as a romantic gift for their wives.
Uh, you're not gonna ask me to pose nude, are you? Well, yes, unless you have some issues with revealing your body.
Well, I don't, but the block association seems to.
They wanted a ''traditional'' Santa Claus.
[ Classical ] I can't believe how they're dumbing down the Springfield Library.
They've gotten rid of the English literature section and replaced it with a make-your-own-sundae bar.
I heard they got rid of the reference desk to make room for an air hockey table.
- Even the microfilm? - Even the microfiche.
- [ All Moan ] - My family never talks about library standards.
And every time I try to steer the conversation that way they make me feel like a nerd.
We are hardly nerds.
Would a nerd wear such an irreverent sweatshirt? [ Lisa Reading ] Oh, only one person in a million would find that funny.
Yes, we call that the Dennis Miller ratio.
Oh, Dad, I just spent the day with the most wonderful people.
Oh, that's great, honey.
You tell me everything you can before the commercial's over.
- For the first time in my life, I feel that someone understand- - Bup, bup, bup, bup.
Are you ready in there, Mr.
Simpson? Are you sure you're a fully accredited and bonded pornographer? Just come out.
- Please be kind.
- You look fantastic.
Let me just adjust my lens here.
Now you're sure this will save my marriage? Try not to speak.
It's making your body ripple.
[ Grunts, Groans ] - [ Shudders ] - [ Humming ] - [ Bart ] Dad? Dad, are you home? - [ Knocking ] [ Gasps, Grunts ] [ Grunts, Groans ] Fine.
! I don't care what you're doing.
! [ Sighs, Screams ] Don't look.
! Don't look.
! Don't look.
! Okay, I think he's gone.
This is so cool.
I feel like I'm back in the Renaissance.
Please stay in character, gentle wench.
Verily I declare that the Earth revolves around the sun and not t'other way around.
Stop looking down my blouse, Copernicus.
Mine eyes doth rove of their own accord.
Zounds! Someone took our gazebo! No, no, that's impossible.
We reserved it months ago.
Someone should stand up to them.
- Oh, dear.
I'll do it.
Excuse me, gentlemen.
Might I take a peak at your gazebo reservation form? - Beat it! - [ Chuckles ] Yes, well, we each have a good case.
What part of''beat it'' didn't you understand? Hmm, I guess it would be the ''it.
'' I'm not exactly sure to what that refers.
It's- Ow! Oh, it's hopeless.
There are some she-males in gazebo three a nasty looking spider in gazebo six and the less said about gazebo eight, the better.
Ah, Chief, thank God you're here.
We reserved gazebo seven, and look.
How many gazebos do you she-males need? Beer me, boys.
Why do we live in a town where the smartest have no power and the stupidest run everything? - Maybe I should just move back to Alabama.
We should fix things here.
If we put our minds to it, there's no limit to what we can accomplish.
- I think the girl's right.
- Good point.
- The jig is up, Quimby.
- Oh, God! When you see what's in this report, things are going to change in this town.
- I earned that lotto money.
- [ Buzzing ] - Hyah! - [ Horse Neighs ] Faster, you moron.
[ Neighs ] Oh.
Well, that was unexpected.
- [ Guns Cocking ] - What's going on? Where's the mayor? - He skipped town.
- Really? So, who's in charge? Well, that's a good question.
Let's, uh, take a quick look at the town charter.
- [ All ] Done.
According to the charter, ''should the mayor abdicate a council of learned citizens may rule in his stead.
'' Well, there's no one more learned than us.
So, I guess we're in charge.
What! Let me see that.
Let's see here.
''We the people,'' ''cruel and unusual,'' blah, blah, blah.
''Ritual circumcision,'' yak, yak, yak.
Ah, geez, I'll take your word for it.
- I guess you are in charge.
- [ Cheering ] With our superior intellects we could rebuild this city on a foundation of reason and enlightenment.
We could turn Springfield into a utopia.
- A new Athens.
- Or Walden Two.
Yeah, a real Candy Land! Of the mind.
I'll just go now.
Bunch of dorks.
This is Kent Brockman at City Hall where the intellectual junta known as the ''Bright Pack'' has been running this town for the better part of three days.
[ Chattering ] So, Lisa, what do you and your fellow eggheads have planned for the city? - Business as usual? - No, Kent.
We're gonna use the power of good ideas to change things for the better.
Well, excuse this jaded reporter if he says he's heard that before.
- Oh, well, we really mean it.
- [ Gasps ] You do? Yes.
For example, no one was showing up for jury duty.
So we made the experience more exciting by synergizing it with his comic book collection.
''You have been chosen to join theJustice Squadron Fortress of Vengeance.
'' Oh, I am so there.
We studied traffic patterns and found that drivers move the fastest through yellow lights.
So now, we just have the red and yellow lights.
[ Chuckles ] Come on.
Stay yellow! Man, I'm making record time, if only I had someplace to be.
And we've really elevated the level of discourse at the dog track.
We replaced the fanfare with classical music.
And instead of chasing a rabbit, the dogs chase a diploma.
[ Barking ] The world has already taken note of our accomplishments.
Springfield has moved up to number 299 on the list of America's Take that, East St.
You said you were gonna make me look sexier, but it's awfully dark in here.
Light is not your friend.
All right, let's do this thing.
- [ Dance Rock ] - It's time to get Homer-erotic! - [ Shudders ] - [ Camera Shutter Clicking ] Okay, next item ofbusiness is our weekly progress report.
Principal Skinner, how's your transportation project coming? Oh, excellent.
Not only are the trains now running on time they're running on metric time.
Remember this moment, people- It's the dawn of an enlightened Springfield.
Now, next week is our state of the city address.
Has everyone finalized their proposals? Well, first of all, I have a plan to eliminate obesity in females.
For a nickel a person tax increase we could build a theater for shadow puppets.
- Balinese or Thai? - Why not both? Then everybody's happy.
Everyone's real happy then! Do I detect a note of sarcasm? Are you kidding me? This baby is off the charts.
[ Chuckles ] - Oh, a sarcasm detector.
That's a real useful invention.
- [ Beeping Rapidly ] [ All Arguing ] [ Homer ] Marge.
I've got something for you.
- Oh, Homie.
- Houston, we have a problem.
A sexy problem.
Well, look at you.
[ Growling ] I'm gonna maul you.
Homer, I've never seen this side of you.
But I like it.
Look at those silk pillows.
It's like the set of some high-class porno film.
It's just our basement.
[ Groans ] Hold on! Wait.
That's our basement? Yeah.
So? Come on.
It looks so elegant.
And all it takes are some lace curtains and a beaded lampshade.
You've got to show me exactly what you did.
- But I was gonna score.
- No, you weren't.
Welcome, everyone! Today, we embark on a new era of intelligent governance.
[ Chanting ] Governance! Governance! - Governance.
! - [ Microphone Feeds Back ] [ Clears Throat ] We have some new rules and regulations that you're gonna just go ape poopy over.
- Professor Frink.
- [ Clears Throat ] Well, first of all we're going to ban such barbaric sports as bullfighting and cockfighting.
[ Cheering ] Also, boxing, both kick and the kind with the gloves.
- [ Woman ] Good! - And hockey, football, push-ups and anything in general where you have to take off your shirt, which is embarrassing.
- [ All Murmuring Disagreement ] - I don't remember discussing that.
Inspired by the most logical race in the galaxy, the Vulcans breeding will be permitted once every seven years.
- [ All Gasp ] - For many of you, this will mean much less breeding.
For me, much, much more.
Ya cannot do that, sir! Ya don't have the power! Ladies and gentlemen, I must apologize.
This man does not speak for the Council of Alphas.
We hold you subomeguloids in the highest regard.
When are we gonna get to my broccoli juice program? Quit butting in, please.
is a mere 1 5 5 while mine is a muscular 1 7 0.
[ Singsongy ] I am smart.
Much smarter than you, Hibbert! You should all do what I say.
is 1 99, for crying out glavin.
[ Groans ] [ Computerized Voice ] Big deal.
[ All Gasp ] [ Together] Stephen Hawking! - The world's smartest man! - What are you doing here? [ Computerized Voice ] I wanted to see your utopia.
But now I see it is more of a Fruitopia.
- I'm sure what Dr.
Hawking means is- - Silence.
I don't need anyone to talk for me, except this voice box.
You have clearly been corrupted by power.
For shame! Larry Flynt is right! You guys stink! [ All Shouting Agreement ] I don't know which is a bigger disappointment- my failure to formulate a unified field theory, or you.
I don't like your tone.
If you are looking for trouble, you found it.
Yeah,just try me, you- [ Screams ] - [ All Cheering ] - Now's our opening! Come on, you idiots! We're taking back this town! Yeah! Let's make litter out of these literati! That's too clever.
You're one of them! [ All Shouting ] Please stay calm everyone.
[ Screams ] Time for this Hawk to fly.
[ Lisa ] Help! Lisa, thank God you're okay.
- Did you have fun with your robot buddy? - Dad! Oh, Dr.
Hawking, we had such a beautiful dream.
What went wrong? Don't feel bad, Lisa.
Sometimes the smartest of us can be the most childish.
- Even you? - No, not me.
I guess everyone has a different vision for the perfect world.
Wow, Mom, that's very profound.
Hey, you read that off my screen.
- Who's up for some beers? - I am! That's the smartest thing I've heard all day.
Your theory of a doughnut-shaped universe is intriguing, Homer.
I may have to steal it.
I can't believe someone I never heard of is hanging out with a guy like me.
All right, it's closing time.
Who's paying the tab? - [ Homer, Monotone ] I am.
- I didn't say that.
Yes, I did.
- Shh! - [ Homer ] Larry Flynt is right.
! You guys stink.