Here is a great collection of Simpsons Scripts . My grand momma loves to read these on the potty.
The Simpsons Episode Scripts
AABF10 - Marge Simpson in: 'Screaming Yellow Honkers'
[ Singing Ends ] [ Chuckles ] Whew.
Our old friend Noah Webster defines ''laughter'' as ''the act or sound of laughing.
'' [ Nelson ] Ha-ha.
! [ Chuckles ] Well illustrated, Nelson.
And now, fasten your funny bones for Groundskeeper- Oh.
Or should I say ''Grinskeeper''? No, I'm sorry.
Groundskeeper was correct.
Willie! - [ Bagpipes ] - [ Applause ] How many of you hail from the fair city of Edinburgh? So, have you noticed how North Edinburgh golfers putt like this and South Edinburgh golfers putt like this? - [ Man Coughs ] - Eh? - [ Bagpipes ] - Eh? - [ Crickets Chirping ] - Oh, I see.
Willie's not funny unless he's down on his knees scooping up your little brats' puke! [ Laughing, Applauding ] Thank you! You've been great! [Jazz ] [ Singing ] [ Continues ] - [ Groaning ] - [ Continues ] - [ Balloons Popping ] - Kill me.
Well, Seymour, it seems we put together a baseball team, and I was wondering- Who's on first? Yes.
Not the pronoun, but rather a player with the unlikely name of Who is on first.
Well, that's just great, Seymour.
We've been out here six seconds.
You've already managed to blow the routine.
- [ Rim Shot ] - [ Laughs ] Well, seems as though we're just about at the halfway point - so why don't we call it intermission? - [ Chattering ] Whoa! Don't go too far.
If you like cafeteria workers in Beatle wigs with tennis racket guitars you won't want to miss the second half.
- Oh, no! No! - [ All Shouting ] You drive.
Dad, you were supposed to pay for those snacks.
I saw Krabappel's butt.
[ Horns Honking ] Whoopsie.
Mm, this could take a minute.
- There's an opening, Mom.
- I don't know.
I- I hate to change lanes once I get going.
- That's really for race car drivers.
- Mom, to your left.
He's letting you in.
Go! - [ Lisa ] Come on, Mom.
! - [ Homer ] Gun it, woman.
As soon as I get over, that lane will stop moving.
Erma Bombeck said so, and Dave Barry agrees.
- [ Horns Honking ] - Aw! You suck, Marge.
- Come on! Move it, you clowns! - [ Honking ] What in blazes? So long, schlubs! Wow.
Did you see that thing, Marge? So powerful.
- So forceful and raw.
- [ Horse Neighs ] It didn't ask.
It just took.
- [ Man Singing Country Music ] - [ Man #2 Shouts ] - [ Ends ] - [ Groaning ] Oh, Canyonero.
[ Laughs ] Go ahead.
Drool all you want.
You can't hurt that finish.
Now, rainwater- that'll strip it right off.
Ah, I shouldn't have said that.
Hey, a red one! [ Laughing ] Can I buy that? Please? Well, you- If you- [ Babbles ] Really? Wha- Ha! Hot dog! A sale! [ Laughing ] - [ Laughing Continues ] Huh? - I'll take it from here, Gil.
No! Wait! Ah, no! You can't take my sale! My wife's gonna leave me if I don't start bringing in the green.
Let me have this one, Stan.
I'm begging you.
Look at me.
I'm begging you, Stan.
Let's go write this up, shall we? Honey, you should've seen me with my last customer.
I- No, but I came so close.
This guy was- Whose voice is that? Is that Fred? Ah, you said it was over! No, don't put him on! Hello, Fred.
You've got the undercoating clear coating, rustproofing, under guard spray Gravel Guard XJ, Vita-Seal, Repels-It but if you want to protect the paint, you better keep it in this tent.
- Will do.
Here's how your lease breaks down: This is your down payment, then here's your monthly, and there's your weekly.
- And that's it, right? - Yup.
Oh, then after your final monthly payment, there's the routine C.
- or crippling balloon payment.
- But that's not for a while, right? - Right.
[ Bird Caws ] - Whoo! Hello! - Whoo! Hey, baby! Oh.
We thought you were one of those hot-to-trot soccer moms.
You don't see many men driving the ''F'' Series.
Huh? See? Instead of a cigarette lighter, it's got a lipstick holder.
[ Gasps ] Ah, crap! It's a girl's car! I can't drive this! Oh, sure, you can, doll face.
[ Kisses ] [ Chuckles ] Pretty thing like you can do whatever she wants.
[ Both Laughing ] Shut up! Screw you guys! [ Both Laughing ] Lousy ''F''Series frilly, girlie, fruity car.
[ Mutters ] Where's your keys? I'm taking your car to work.
You cashed in your 401 (k) to buy that stupid Canyonero.
- Why can't you drive it? - Are you saying I'm gay? Because if that's what you think, then just come right out and say it.
I don't think you're gay.
I just have to do my grocery shopping.
Now, please, give me my keys.
[ Humming ] - [ Engine Starts ] - [ Laughs ] - Ha-ha! Sucker! - Oh! Good Lord! [ Groans ] How am I supposed to get in this beast? Hmm.
Well, that's a nice feature.
Not much headroom though.
Ooh! Oh, I guess I can drive it for a little while.
But, Mom, I read that sport utility vehicles are more likely to be involved in fatal accidents.
Fatal to the people in the other car.
The manual says I need to log on to the onboard computer.
[ Electronic Female Voice ] Hello, Marge.
Where would you like to go today? [ Gasps ] No one has ever asked me that before in my life.
Well, that's a first.
I've never been able to fit 3 2 grocery bags into one car before.
Ew! Why is Courtney Love on the Wheaties box? - Hmm.
I thought it was Sandy Duncan.
Gridlock at 1 2:00.
- [ Horns Honking ] - [ People Shouting ] Oh, crud.
And we're so close to the house.
Um, I don't want to alarm you, but the ice cream's starting to go south.
[ Gags ] Hey, give me some of that! [ Screams ] Mom! Bart sprayed whipped cream in my eye! - I did not.
- [ Screams ] - [ Both Grunting ] - Kids, cut it out! - [ Sighs ] All right.
- Hey! Come on, Mom.
Just cut across the field.
Oh, I don't know.
It doesn't seem right.
[ Scoffs ] Do you want to spend your whole life doing what's right? Of course not.
- Let's do it! - [ Man Singing Country Music ] [ Man #2 Shouts ] - [ Continues ] - Whoa! You the man, Mom! Out of my way, nature! [ Chittering ] [ Ends ] [ Gasps ] Look at me, Lise.
I'm Baron Von Chicken Pants.
[ Clucking ] Bart, that's tomorrow night's dinner.
- You're tomorrow night's dinner.
- Mom! Bart took what I said and turned it into an insult! That's nice, dear! Okay, Mr.
Peanut, you think you can keep- [ Sputtering ] A three-chambered peanut! Marge, look what I did! Come quick! Hurry! Marge? Marge? - Marge, you've been out there all morning.
- So? So, lying on the couch and eating stuff isn't the same if you aren't around to see it.
Oh, I'll come watch you do nothing after I try out my new high-intensity halogen headlights.
[ Laughs ] Nobody will ever cut me off again.
Ah, please come in! Maggie smells bad, and the cat wants something, but I don't know what.
I'm almost done.
And tell Bart to get out of my purse.
[ No Audible Dialogue ] - [ Marge ] S.
- [ Horn Honking ] - Open up for Marge.
- [ Honking Continues ] Thank- Whoa.
! And daylight.
! Come on.
! Come on.
! - [ Honking Continues ] - Geez.
Try the gas pedal, Grandma.
It's right there next to the brake.
- Oh, for God's s- Go back to New Jersey.
- [ Horn Honks ] [ Tires Squeal, Screech ] [ Muttering ] - [ Muffled Shout ] - [ Honks ] Come on, come on! Get that corpse off the road! The streets are for the living! - [ Both ] Whoa! - Slow down, you maniac! Show some respect for this coffin full of bricks representing a young man lost at sea.
- Hey! - [ Siren Wailing ] Oh, great.
What did I do? - This better be important.
- Can the sweet talk, Thelma & Louise.
You have a serious mental illness.
The technical term is ''road rage.
'' I'll see you tomorrow morning at traffic school, speedy.
And you got exactly five seconds to get out of my sight.
- [ Grumbles ] - [ Tires Squeal ] [ Sighs ] Why are the pretty ones always insane? [ Marge Groaning ] Okay.
I assume you all know why you're here.
You're all angry - sick people.
- [ Snoring ] But over these next eight hours, you will be broken down to the level of infants then rebuilt as functional members of society then broken down again, then lunch then, if there's time, rebuilt once more.
All right, roll it, Lou.
[ Instrumental ] Hello.
I'm Sergeant Crew and I'm here to talk to you about road rage.
- Duh! - Quiet, fatso! The sergeant's talking! Go on, dear.
In these modern, hectic days of fast food answering machines and one-night stands, people are getting angrier.
Now, what you're about to see is not pretty.
Cut me off, will you? [ Grunting ] - [ Horn Honking ] - Learn to drive, dimwit! I sentence you to kiss my ass.
[ Screaming ] Look familiar? It should.
Anger is what makes America great.
But you must find the proper outlet for your rage.
Fire a weapon at your television screen pick a fight with someone weaker than you or write a threatening letter to a celebrity.
So when you go out for a drive remember to leave your murderous anger where it belongs- at home.
[ Applause ] And as if that film wasn't enough, we have a special guest.
Why, it's Curtis E.
Bear, the courtesy bear.
[ Hums ] For the next three hours, this bear will take your verbal and physical abuse with good nature and aplomb.
So, if you'll all just grab one of these two-by-fours- Um, Chief, can I at least shield my crotch? Bears can't talk, Eddie.
- [ Shouting ] - [ Eddie Gasps ] - [ Blows Landing ] - [ Chattering ] Well, Simpson, did you learn something today? Oh, did I ever.
And that herbal anger rinse just washed the rage right out of me.
And remember, Midge, you feel the need to rage, you call me, right? I won't even get sexual or nothin'- unless that's what you want.
- [ Door Opens, Closes ] - But that's not what you want, right? No, thanks.
[ Chattering ] After you, sweetheart.
You first, ma'am.
Well, somebody go first.
- Well, not me.
- I'm not goin' until she goes.
Oh, for crying out loud! Oh.
What would Curtis E.
Bear do? - [ Honking ] - Move it! I gotta return this suit! [ Tires Screeching ] Hmm.
Get out of the way! -[ Tires Screeching ] - Oh, no! No! [ Horn Honking ] [ Screams ] - Ya! - [ Alarm Wailing ] We're free! We're free! Whoa! Thanks, chick-dude.
Well, I hope you're happy, Simpson.
Those prisoners were one day away from being completely rehabilitated.
I'm tearing up your license.
Darned laminated- Would you mind? I got stubby fingers.
[ Chuckles ] [ Groans ] [ Groans ] How could they take away my license? - It feels like I lost a limb.
- Well, that's a turnoff.
Hey, why don't you come to the wild animal park with us? No.
Your father drives like an old lady.
At least I've got a license.
- [ Groans ] - Come on, kids.
I went too far.
- [ Door Slams ] - [ Sighs ] [ Elephant Trumpets ] - [ Growling ] - [ Trumpeting Continues ] Ah, what a gyp.
They're all just lyin' around.
Do something! Bart, they're not here to entertain us.
I've seen plays that were more exciting than this.
Honest to God.
Plays! [ Animal Calling ] I don't wanna pay four bucks to watch some monkey wannabe laying in the sun! But, Dad, lemurs are nocturnal.
Don't worry, honey.
Daddy will fix that broken animal.
- No! - I'm not gonna hurt him.
I'm just gonna wake him up.
[ Shrieking ] [ Shrieks ] [ Roars ] - [ Snarling ] - [ All Growl ] [ All Snarling, Grunting ] Uh-oh.
Here's a slingshot, Lisa.
[ Australian Accent ] I told 'em a chain link fence wouldn't hold rhinos.
No, I didn't.
I meant to tell 'em.
[ Shrieks, Muffled Grunting ] [ Muffled Laughing ] [ Screaming ] - [ Screaming ] - [ Snarling ] Don't worry, kids.
I know just what to do.
-Jumanji! - [ All Snarling ] Does anything from the movies actually work? [ Both Whimpering ] - [ Both Grunt ] - Ah, nuts! Isn't there anybody who can round up these thunder lizards? Uh, they'd need a pretty rugged vehicle.
- And a heart to match.
I'd like to help you, Chief, but my license was revoked.
Seems I'm full of rage.
Then do it for this adorable little puppy.
Look at the puppy, Marge.
- That's your hat.
- She's good, Chief.
Now if you'll excuse me, I've got some dust that needs busting.
- [ People Screaming ] - This is Kent Brockman at the scene of a level three rhino alert.
- [ Screaming ] - Authorities say there's no immediate danger to anyone- except those three luckless people whom we'll identify once the rhinos spit out their wallets.
- [ Gasps ] - Back! Back, I say! [ Snarling ] Oh, no! I'm out of popcorn! - Throw your peanuts! - You throw your peanuts! [ All Screaming ] - [ Tires Screeching ] - [ Horn Honking ] - [ Bart ] Look! It's Mom! - Out of the way! - [ Honks ] - Move it or lose it! Get going, you! [ Horn Honking ] This ought to hold 'em.
There's one missing, mate.
If we don't find him, it'll be my ass on the barbie! - [ Snarling ] - [ All Whimpering ] [ Horn Honking ] - Get in! Get in! - [ Both Grunt ] - Come on, Homer!Jump! - [ Grunts ] Oh! When will Detroit build a sunroof for the husky gentleman? - [ Shrieks ] - [ Snarling ] [ Screaming, Whimpering ] [ Screaming ] Ah, no! [ People Gasping ] [ Whimpering, Sobbing ] Hey, anybody seen Homer today? - Here.
[ Babbling ] - There he goes.
[ Screaming ] Ow! - It's not my rhino! - [ All Gasp ] [ Screaming ] [ Screams ] Oh, thank you, God.
And thank you, Port-a-John.
You really saved my- [ Screams ] Who's out there? [ Shrieks ] Oh, I'm gonna die! Jesus, Allah, Buddha, I love you all! - [ Groans ] - [ Homer ] Nice rhino.
[ Gasps ] Oh, no! She's not gonna make it.
Looks like it's time for plan ''B.
'' One, two three, ''B''! [ Grunts ] [ Shrieks, Snarling ] It's okay, Homie.
You can come out now.
Uh, give me a minute.
[ Grunting, Yelps ] Oh, Marge! You saved me! Wow! You are so much cooler than Milhouse's mom.
Way to channel that rage, Simpson.
How did you know your plan would work, Mom? Thanks for asking.
Well, I was watching Dateline and Stone Phillips said S.
's always roll over when you turn sharply and the gas tanks explode at the drop of a hat.
And she also knew if a rhino sees a flame he'll instinctively try to put it out.
Stone Phillips again.
Is there anything that guy doesn't know? Why, this Stone Phillips sounds like quite a bloke.
What television network is he on? Why, NBC, of course.
NBC has lots of great shows, and their news and sports coverage can't be beat.
Do you think there's anything great on NBC right now? Oh, I'm sure of it.
But there's only one way to find out.
[ Homer ] I'd like to read the following statement - but I do so under- - [ Gun Cocks ] my own free will.
''It has come to my attention that NBC sucks.
''I apologize for misleading you and urge you to watch as many Fox shows as possible.
So, in summary, NBC bad, Fox good.
'' CBS great.
- [ Gunshot ] - [ Body Hits Ground ] [ Gunshots Continue ] - [ Gunshot ] - [ Body Hits Ground ] [ Gunshots Continue ]