Here is a great collection of Simpsons Scripts . My grand momma loves to read these on the potty.
The Simpsons Episode Scripts
5F20 - Lard of the Dance
Loose-leaf, graph, unlined- [ Gasps ] College-ruled.
Can't you just write on your arm like I do? [ Humming ] All you're getting is rubber bands and paper clips? - Don't you need a notebook or something? - Nah.
These days, everything's done on computers.
Computers and staplers.
[ Groans ] ''Krusty's Speak and Say''? ''S'' is for shiksa.
S-H-I- Mmm- I think there's a ''T'' in there somewhere.
Ah, look it up.
Lisa! Stay cool, Milly.
[ Groans ] Oh.
Did you have a nice summer? Don't you hate that we have to go back to stupid school tomorrow? - I like school.
- Me too! We have so much in common.
You have a pen glued to your cowlick.
If you don't like it, it's gone! [ Strains, Groans ] - Uh, you want this? - No.
Yo, Apu, give me the usual.
One Kwik-E dog, one bubble gum cigar.
and the latest issue of Success magazine.
Hey, this hot dog tastes different.
I just cleaned out the machine, sir.
So the snack you are enjoying has not been soaking in putrid grease.
But without the grease all you can taste is the hog anus.
I'm so sorry, but I sold it all to the rendering plant.
- People buy grease? - Oh, yes.
They use it to make products such as soap, cosmetics, baby food.
Used grease is worth money? [ Gasps ] Then my arteries are clogged with yellow gold! I'm rich, Apu! Rich and- [ Groaning ] [ Sighs ] Money in the bank.
Okay, this bacon's done.
And now for the profit-taking.
[ Chuckling ] Uh, Dad, I don't think the dog can handle any more bacon.
- [ Whimpering ] - [ Homer ] Looks like he's about ready for another squeezin; Homer! That side of bacon was for my bridge game tonight.
Marge, if you don't mind, I'm a little busy right now achieving financial independence.
- With cans of grease? - No! Through savings and wise investments.
Of course with grease! - [ Tires Screeching ] - Come on, Bart.
The bus is here.
- Where do you think you're going? - It's the first day of school.
Not for you it isn't.
You're in the grease business now.
Then the doctor told me that both my eyes were lazy.
And that's why it was the best summer ever.
Thank you, Ralph.
Now take your seat.
[ Nelson ] Hey, blindy, have a nice trip.
! - [ Ralph Screams ] - [ Thud ] [ Nelson ] Ha-ha.
! [ Skinner On P.
] Attention, please.
I need a volunteer for a thankless chore.
Shall I assume the only hand in the air is Lisa Simpson's? Thank you, Lisa.
We have a new student, Lisa, and I want you to show her the works- the lunchroom, the tree.
But when you get to the trophy case, give her some cock-and-bull story.
They're out for cleaning or whatever.
I'll help her out.
I remember how hard it was to be an outsider, always trying to fit in, never quite feeling like- Lisa, I'd like you to meet Alex Whitney.
Your name's Lisa? Shut up! I love that name.
Did she just tell me to shut up? Take it outside.
You'll want a locker in this hallway.
- Is that perfume? - Oh! Don't be such a Phoebe.
It's Pretension by Calvin Klein.
Wanna try some? [ Coughing ] Mm-mmm.
So what's the haps in Springfield? What do you guys, like, do for fun? Well, you'll definitely wanna get yourself a good doll.
The new Malibu Stacy has an achievable chest.
Dolls? Really? Okay, what else you got? Oh.
Jacks are big.
They went out for a while, but then they came roaring back.
Oh, you mean that game with the little rubber ball? Oh, don't worry.
You'll pick it up fast.
Once you get to foursies, you're in the zone.
Isn't that trophy case supposed to have trophies? Uh, they were all wiped out in the big trophy fire.
Ah! I see the trophies are still out for cleaning, eh, Lisa? - [ Chuckling ] - [ Forced Chuckle ] Okay, boy, this is where all the hard work sacrifice and painful scaldings pay off.
Four pounds of grease.
That comes to 63 cents.
- Whoo-hoo! - Dad, all that bacon cost $27.
Yeah, but your mom paid for that.
But doesn't she get her money from you? And I get my money from grease.
What's the problem? Wow! Look at that load of grease.
Boy, if we're ever gonna earn paper money, we have to expand our operation.
Um, I don't know how much more school I can miss.
Oh, you'll miss plenty.
I have a feeling this business is going to consume our whole lives.
[ Chattering ] Alex, over here! Okay if the new girl sits with us? - Oh! - Okay, I guess.
She's a little weird.
But let's give her a chance.
- Guys, this is Alex.
- [ All Exchanging Greetings ] Ooh, twins.
Which one is the evil one? - [ Laughing ] - [ Forced Laughter] - Okay, I'll go get our lunches.
- So, Alex- - [ Cell Phone Ringing ] -Just a sec.
Hello? - [ All Gasping ] - Oh, yeah.
Like I'd be seen with a Discover card.
- You have a cell phone? - And a purse! That's it.
Don't be shy.
- Now maybe a littlejoke to break the ice.
- [ Laughter] Or a big joke.
Nobody likes a show-off.
Where are they going? Hey, wait up.
! - They left without me.
- [ Milhouse ] Oh, Lisa? I've got an extra seat, and you've got an extra lunch.
[ Nerdy Laughter] Catch my drift? Milhouse, lower those eyebrows.
And the other one.
[ Groans ] So there I am being nice to Alex and she takes all of my friends and ditches me.
I'm sure they didn't ditch you, honey.
Maybe they went off to plan a surprise party for you.
[ Laughing ] Oh, yeah.
Good one, Mom.
They only like her 'cause she acts so grown-up with her perfume and her cell phone and- Oh, and get this, Mom.
She drinks iced tea.
Lisa, I can't imagine anyone being more likable than you.
But, apparently, this new girl is.
So my advice would be to start copying her in every way.
- But, Dad- - Uh-uh.
Is that what Alex would say? Oh, there you are.
Listen, I'm sorry I ran out on you yesterday but the girls couldn't wait to show me that tree.
Oh, don't give it a second thought.
Anyway, I got you a little present.
Oh, earrings! Wow! Thank you so much, Alex.
But these are for pierced ears.
Aren't they great? - Alex did ours.
All you need is a thumbtack and a whole lot of paper towels.
Uh, but I don't think I'm ready for pierced ears.
- Well, maybe you can put them on your doll.
- [ Laughter] - [ Groans ] -Just kidding, Lise.
- I'm sure you'll be ready someday.
- Oh, Lisa.
I was hoping I could count on you again to spearhead our annual school-wide apple pick.
- Absolutely! - Apple pick? Yeah, it's great! We have pony rides, sing-alongs apple bobbing, apple picking, apple everything.
- You forgot apple bobbing.
- No, I didn't.
- Didn't your old school have apple picks? - No, we weren't big on fruit.
We were more into, like, dances.
You know, things that are fun.
A dance? Great idea, Alex.
Yeah! Principal Skinner, can we have a dance instead? [ Voices Overlapping ] Well, we've never had a dance before.
Lisa, you'd be doing all the work.
What do you think? I don't know.
The ponies might be startled by the loud music.
- Well, there wouldn't be ponies.
Then at the risk of being unpopular, I think I'm gonna have to say- School dance? I didn't approve any school dance.
Yes, you did.
Yesterday, right by my locker.
- Oh, yeah.
Um, carry on.
- Oh! [ Children Laughing, Shouting ] When you want grease, go to the source.
- Good old Krusty Burger.
- Oh, I'll say.
Look at that redheaded kid.
There must be $20 worth of grease on his forehead alone.
I was thinking more of the deep fryer.
We'll try it your way.
Can I help you, sir? My God, you're greasy! Mr.
Maruko, help! Mom's gonna kill you.
If she didn't want her car ruined, she should have done a better job hiding her keys.
Hey! What the- Hey.
! You're taking our grease.
! - It's our grease now.
- [ Groans ] We run the grease racket in this town.
Hey, that's my shovel! We also run the shovel racket.
[ Horn Honking ] Okay, girls, we're gonna need balloons, crepe paper, party hats.
Whoa! You've got a DingoJunction here? [ Pop ] - I am not wearing this.
- Oh, come on, Lisa.
It's totally you.
Just, you know, add some accessories, lip gloss, maybe drop five pounds.
Aren't we a little young for makeup and- What do you mean, five pounds? Well, you want to look nice for your date.
- Date? - Hello! For the dance? - You guys have dates? - Hello! - Stop saying ''hello''! - Okay, calm down, Lisa.
- What's D.
? - ''Don't mess yourself.
'' - Ew! Yeah.
That's why we changed it to D.
Don't worry, Lisa.
There's still plenty of time.
- You'll get a date.
- I don't want a date! And I don't wanna wear perfume and cocktail dresses! Am I the only one who just wants to play hopscotch and bake cookies and watch The McLaughlin Group? Hello! Hello? Oh! I can't believe those goons muscled me out of my grease business.
I've been muscled out of everything I've ever done including my muscle-for-hire business.
My poor Homie.
Couldn't you try some other far-out moneymaking scheme? Ah, what's the point? You could raise some emus.
Emus? Really? Oh, that's pretty crazy.
I'd only fail just like I fail at everything.
Hey, Dad, I've been thinking.
What if instead of giving up on grease, we go for one last big score? Wait a minute.
The boy's right.
I can't quit now! Aw! You always know just what to say to cheer me up.
Emu farm? [ Laughing ] You're priceless, Marge.
- [ Door Slams Shut ] - [ Groans ] The thing about huckleberries is once you've had fresh, you'll never go back to canned.
Uh- Uh- So anyway, I kicked the guy's ass.
Now, if the berries are too tart I just dust 'em with confectioner's sugar.
- Oh! - Good secret.
[ Lisa ] Hey, guys.
[ Gasps, Chuckles ] - Hi, Lisa.
- Are you all right? No doubt.
Can't a girl fabulize herself before the big dance? Your earlobe's bleeding.
So, I guess major muffins like yourselves all have dates, huh? - You'd better believe it.
- Really? All of you? Uh, we all have dates, Lisa.
- Everyone does.
- Even me.
Unbelievable! Whoa- [ Grunts ] - Another wedgie? - Uh-huh.
- Hang on.
I'll get my forceps.
- Hurry! [ Panting ] Milhouse! Oh! I've been looking all over for you.
You've always had a crush on me, right? Well, this is your lucky day 'cause you're gonna take me to the dance.
- Pretty great, huh? See ya.
- Oh! But I can't.
I already asked somebody.
- So un-ask her! - But that would- - You're taking me! You got that? - [ Gasps ] And it's gonna be a magical evening! [ Gasps ] What am I doing? This isn't me.
I'm sorry, Milhouse.
I'm free next weekend! There's plenty of Milhouse to go around! All right, Son.
We're about to embark on our most difficult mission.
Let's bow our heads in prayer.
Dear Lord, I know you're busy seeing as how you can watch women changing clothes and all that.
But if you help us steal this grease tonight I promise we'll donate half the profits to charity.
Dad, he's not stupid.
All right, screw it.
Let's roll! Mmm, I knew I should've attached those somehow.
[ Lisa ] Lucky parameciums.
You don't have to worry about finding dates or dancing.
Oh! Lisa, I made you some homemade Pepsi for the dance.
It's a little thick, but the price is right.
But I told you, I'm not going.
Oh, so you don't have a date.
You can still go and have a wonderful time.
You don't understand.
I don't belong there.
The other girls are already into fashion and makeup and dating.
They make me feel like a little baby.
A baby couldn't have organized a big school dance unless it was especially skilled.
Or one of those super-babies from Brazil.
Forget it, Mom.
I'm not going.
But they're counting on you to take tickets.
And if you sit there with a brave little smile and a festive bow why, you could be the belle of the ball.
Mom, you can't possibly believe that.
I have to, honey.
Or you can stay here and we'll have our own dance.
[ Singing ] - [ Humming ] - I'll go.
This better work, boy.
I don't wanna wind up working on your mother's emu farm.
This is the score we've been dreaming about.
The grease traps in this kitchen have never been emptied.
Okay, turn on the suction.
It's not working.
[ Grunting, Shouting ] - [ Grunts ] - Whoa! - What is it? - Uh, nothing.
- Enjoy the dance.
- [ Pop On P.
] Wow, Lisa.
I really admire your guts.
You came here all by yourself at the risk of being labeled a dateless wonder.
- [ Grunts ] - Ow! It slipped.
[ Continues ] It's gonna be a long night.
- Where's the hose? - Bringing up the rear.
- Oh! - Are you as excited as I am? Oh, yeah! Well, here goes.
And now we wait.
So, is this your school? Well, it used to be.
[ Whistling ] Eek! I mean, ach! I mean, what are you doing here? Uh, we're new foreign exchange students from, uh, uh, Scotland! Saints be praised! I'm from Scotland.
Where do you hail from? Uh, North Kilt Town.
No fooling? I'm from North Kilttown.
Do you know Angus McCloud? Wait a minute.
There's no Angus McCloud in North Kilttown! Why, you're not from Scotland at all! Ah, don't be daft.
I was born in- Hey, what the- [ Gasps ] My retirement grease.
! Ya thievin' grease bandits! I'll kill ya! Wait up! - [ Homer Whimpering ] - [ Growling ] Not so fast, boyo.
Hell, if it was up to me, I'd let you go.
But the lads have a temper, and they've been drinkin' all day! [ Screaming ] Ow! Ow! Ow! Stop pummeling me! It's really painful! All right, fine.
I'll strangle ya for a while! Lisa, I have to run home.
I need you to keep an eye on the dance.
Oh, I don't wanna go in there with all the happy dancing couples.
Normally, I wouldn't ask.
But it's an emergency.
Mother has a june bug cornered in the basement, and she needs me to finish it off.
- Come on! Chop-chop! - All right! All right! D.
I know what that means, young lady! [ Sighs ] - [ Pop ] - Huh? Oh, Lisa, it's terrible.
This dance has gone Titanic.
- What happened? - Well, the boys and girls are, like, afraid of each other.
- They're acting like a bunch of- - Kids? I know! What is up with that? It's because they are kids, and so are we.
Come on, Alex.
We've only got nine, maybe 1 0 years tops where we can giggle in church and chew with our mouths open and go days without bathing.
We'll never have that freedom again.
Listen, you can giggle and stink all you want.
But I have a credit card, so- [ Blows Raspberry ] on you.
[ Groans ] - [ Both Grunting ] - Uh, guys? Guys? The hose! Bart, please.
The groundskeeper and I are trying to settle this like adults.
[ All Screaming ] [ Yawns ] Hmm? Huh? Look, it's snowing! Ah! The snowflake tastes like fish sticks.
[ Screaming ] [ Screaming ] [ Screaming ] It's like a hamburger milk shake! Here comes a grease ball! [ Grunts ] Hey, Luigi bring you kids free pizza.
Why you have to make the fun? Huh? [ Laughing, Chattering ] That's my grease! It's mine! Give it here! You're playing in grease? Yarg! - Oh, act your age.
[ Grunts, Chuckles ] - Oh! You are so dead.
[ Alex ] Ow.
! There was bacon in that.
- [ Murmuring ] - Shh!