Here is a great collection of Simpsons Scripts . My grand momma loves to read these on the potty.
The Simpsons Episode Scripts
7G09 - The Call of the Simpsons
Hot enough for ya? Shut up, Flanders.
Hey, Dad, how come we can't get a decent mower, like the Flanders have? Just be happy with what you've got, son.
Don't try to keep up with the Flanders'.
- Whoa! How do you like my new wheels, Simpson? Oh, wow, man! What an RV! Bart! Uh, I suppose it has, uh, various features.
Oh, it's got eveything-- microwave, dish washer, bigscreen TV, deep fryer and, oh, see up there on the roof? - A satellite dish! - Yes, indeedly-doodly.
But, uh, how can you afford something like this, Ned? I get your mail once in a while, and you make only $27 a week more than I do.
Oh, it's simple, Simpson.
Ooh, credit! Hmm! Mmm! Oh! Ah! Thank you, God.
May I help you? We're just browsing.
I'd like to see your finest RV.
Do you have something that's better than the Land Behemoth? Yes we do.
That would be the Ultimate Behemoth.
- Where is it? - You are standing in its presence.
- Behold! - Oh, wow! Would you look at this thing? Man built this.
It's a vehicle.
Does it have its own satellite dish, sir? You can tell your son it has its own satellite.
The Van Star One, launched last Februay, just for this thing, that's all.
- Whoa, man! - I'm not sure that we can afford-- - Does it have a deep fryer? - It has four of them-- one for each part of the chicken.
I don't think we can afford this.
Let's worry about that later.
Let's take a tour.
Want to? Come on - Ay, caramba.
- This is better than our house.
Wait till Flanders gets a load of this.
Seems so expensive.
- Hey! - How much is it? - Oh.
You're a man of your convict-- You just wanted to ask that and blurted it out, didn't ya? - Yeah.
How much is it? - Well, first of all, I want you to know I like your face.
- You do? - I really do.
I'm not saying that.
I mean it.
You got color in there.
- You're not Roman, are you? - No! Look like a god, sort of.
Why don't we step into the credit office, Zeus? Hey, your dad's gonna just go in here, work it out and you'll, you'll drive home in this! I'm not gonna quote you a price till I check your credit rating.
And let me-- I want to make myself clear on this.
This is a formality.
If you're saying to me, " Bob, is this guy good for it?" I say,"Yes.
" I don't check this machine, but I don't own the place, even though my name's up there.
Long story, but that doesn't matter.
I'm gonna have to run it through the computer.
Is that a good siren? Am I approved? You ever known a siren to be good? No, Mr.
Simpson, it's not.
It's a bad siren.
That's the computer in case I went blind, telling me, "Sell the vehicle to this fella, and you're out of business.
" - That's what the siren says.
Seems the Ultimate Behemoth is a wee bit out of your price range.
And "weebit" is me bein' polite.
You couldn't afford this thing if you lived to be a million.
Don't you have something that isn't out of my price range? I don't wanna go away empty-handed, Bob.
Take it easy there.
Don't ruin this feeling I'm gettin' from ya.
Perhaps I can show you something, uh a little more you.
Well, what do you think? - You gotta be kidding me.
- Used, isn't it? - What'd you say? - Uh, is it used? - Mr.
Simpson, you're never gonna own a better RV.
I don't mean that in a good way.
I mean literally.
This is it for you, you know? It's this or a wagon.
Then uh, how much do you want for it? This is yours.
You're not gonna hand it to someone else? 'Cause I'm gonna give you a price for you.
Someone else, I'm doublin' this.
- I swear it, Bob.
- This is you and me.
- Two months from now, your head's in that window.
- On my honor.
- 350 a month.
Oh, well, I don't know.
Would it be all right ifl conferred with my family? Mr.
Simpson, if you have to talk it over with those humans out there, there's something wrong with all of us.
You look like a man able to make a decision.
See that man over there? - Yeah.
- He's buying this.
Did you know that? Called me, said, "Save the little one.
" Here he is.
- Now you want it or not? - All right, all right.
I'll take it! Best decision you ever made.
You are gonna-- You are gonna-- This is gonna change your life.
Look what I got.
Oh, she's a beaut! Hey, congratulations! I'm sure you'll have loads of fun.
Eveybody ready? I hate this.
I don't wanna go.
That's the spirit.
Ready or not, nature, here we come! Turkey farm, skunks, slaughterhouse? - No, no, no.
- What are you doing back there? - We're playing,"What's that odor?" - Dad's feet? - Bart! - You win, Bart.
- Lisa! - Are we there yet, Dad? - I'll tell you when.
Go back to your smell game.
Homer, I'm telling you.
- This is not the interstate.
Shouldn't we stop somewhere and ask for directions? Don't worry.
This is an all-terrain vehicle.
My feet are getting wet! Oh, come on.
We're getting back to nature.
- Mom, I'm scared.
- We all are, dear.
Your father says there's nothing to worry about.
- What do you think? Should we stop here? - Yes! All righty.
- Well, here we are.
Okay, nobody move, and nobody panic.
When I give the word, everyone, ever so slowly, open your door and slide out.
On the count of three.
One-- The Simpsons have entered the forest.
Well, ha, ha.
Now we get a chance to be real pioneers.
This is a real adventure.
Why, I bet there are people who would trade eveything they have in the world for this.
- You mean, like we just did? - Will somebody help her? - Look, Maggie.
Oh, Homer, what are we going to do? Now don't worry.
Our situation isn't as bad as it seems.
And you're forgetting.
I'm an experienced woodsman.
Now you all stay here while I go over this way and try to get my bearings.
What am I gonna do? I've murdered us all! I've murdered us all! I've murdered us all! - Shut up! - Shut up! Shut up! - D-oh! - D-oh! D-oh! - There.
- You are? Well, it's a quick job, but it's shelter.
- It is? - Uh-huh.
We'll be back with help before you know it.
You girls just stay here and relax.
Remember, the handle of the Big Dipper points to the North Star.
That's nice, Lisa, but we're not in astronomy class.
We're in the woods.
Should Maggie be going with them? I don't think they'll be gone long, and she's in good hands.
- There aren't any dangerous animals in the forest, are there, Dad? Might be a few, but don't worry.
If you leave them alone, they'll leave you alone.
- It's a deal.
- And remember not to act afraid.
Animals can smell fear, and they don't like it.
- Besides, there's nothing to be afraid of.
- A rattler! - I'm not afraid! - Run, you fool! Through here, boy.
Back to civilization.
- How do you know? - When you're an experienced woodsman like me, you get a feel for these things.
It becomes natural, like a third sense.
The boys certainly are taking a long time.
I hope Maggie isn't slowing them up too much.
Bart! Where are you, Bart? His lucky red hat.
Oh, dear God! No! Bart! Bart! Bart! Oh, Bart! Oh, Bart, my beautiful son! Why couldn't You have taken me? of all the fates on heaven and earth, why did this one befall me? - Don't have a cow, Dad.
What the-- D-oh! You're alive! And buck naked.
I'm not the only one, Home boy.
What? Oh! Jungle man.
The first thing you learn about surviving in the woods, boy: conceal your nakedness.
- Yeah, man.
Slap a fern on there, boy.
And now with some mud.
Ooh! That requires a little moss.
And some moss for me.
- Ready to hit the town.
- But, Dad, I am so hungry! Can't we eat somethin' first? I'm starvin', man.
Good thinking, son.
This young sapling ought to do the trick.
- What are we gonna do, hang ourselves? - No! This is a trap.
It's gonna catch us our dinner.
Come on, boy.
Shh! just watch.
Oooh! A-ha! Got him! - Okay, okay.
This time I'll just go into the bushes over there, make a lot of noise and flush out a rabbit.
And when he comes out, you step on him.
- Get 'em off me! Get 'em off me! Get 'em off me! Great camping trip, honey.
Traveled 800 miles, haven't even seen a squirrel yet.
Well, the ranger at the gate said we should watch out for bears.
- Oh, bears! - Mm-hmm.
Let me show you how many bears there are around here.
Uh, hello, bears! Um, come on.
Have a donut.
Oh, what the heck, have me! Come and get it! All right, all right.
You made your point.
- I hope Maggie and the boys are all right.
- Oh, I'm sure they're just fine.
After all, we built a fire, and we don't know anything about nature.
Imagine what your father, an experienced woodsman, has done.
Yeah, I suppose so.
Good night, Mom.
Good night, dear.
G-G-Good n-n-night, D-D-Dad.
- G-G-Good n-n-night, son.
- Are we there yet? - No! - Are we ever gonna be there? - How would I know? Quit asking pointless-- - Bart, look! Honey.
Honey! - We're saved! - Uh, Homer.
Bees? - How is it? - Tangy.
- What? - Oh, water.
The legendary half-man half-ape is no longer a legend.
He's very, very real.
What you're about to see is unedited video footage taken earlier today in the hills three miles southwest of Tenderfoot George.
Now, the naturalist who took these absolutely extraordinay pictures was most impressed with the creature's uncivilized look, it's foul language and, most of all, it's indescribable stench.
A popular supermarket tabloid has offered a reward of$5,000 to anyone who brings in the creature alive.
Naturally, we'll have more on this stoy as it develops.
We now return you to the president's address already in progress.
It looks as if you girls have been getting along all right, but it's a darn good thing we found you when we did.
There's something horrible roaming these woods.
There is? Why, that's my husband! His name isn't Bigfoot.
His name is Homer.
- What does it eat? - I don't understand.
What's this all about? Well, I suppose pork chops are his favorite.
Get those bears out of here.
I'm tying to do an interview.
No bears! We're taping! All bears off the set.
Now let's get back to your, uh, husband.
How would you describe your marital relations? Brutish? - Is this going to be on TV? - Coast to coast.
-just a little further.
- Are we there yet? Are we there yet? -just a little further.
- Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Food! Nice grizzlies.
- What do we do, Dad? - Praise the grizzlies, son.
- That's a good grizzly.
- Huh? - Maggie! Oh, my little girl.
Later, grizzly dudes.
Look! It's him! It's Bigfoot! - Get in the car! - Get him! Get him! - Huh? - We got him! We got Bigfoot! You are darn lucky we got here in time to rescue you.
- What the hell are you talking about, sir? - He's getting away.
After him! We gotta take him alive.
You got that tranquilizer gun ready? Dad! Oh, Dad! Avenge me, son.
Avenge my death.
Last week's capture of Bigfoot turned into the scientific poser of the century.
Although the creature was ultimately released, the question remains, "Who was this Homer?" Was it a man or was it, in fact, the legendary missing link known as Bigfoot? Could I have some applesauce? Specialists gathered at the Springfield Primate Institute for a firsthand examination of the controversial creature.
They are now ready to announce their findings.
- Uh, ladies and gentlemen, uh, distinguished colleagues, after extensive biological and anatomical testing, I regret to announce that the evidence we have is inconclusive.
- This thing may or may not be human.
- That's what he thinks.
I say it's none other than Bigfoot himself.
I think it is a man.
The eyes have the glimmer of human intelligence.
Glimmer in the eyes.
What about the sloping ape-like forehead? Oh, the guys at work are gonna have a field day with this.
Cheer up, Homer.
At least they let you go.
This much I believe we can agree upon: this specimen is either a below-average human being or a brilliant beast.
- Oh, Homer.
My brilliant beast.