Seinfeld Sound Bites

George Costanza: "Well, I, uh, I'm not sure how you pronounce it or anything, but I, uh, believe it's menage a trois?"

George Costanza: "How hard could it be?"

George Costanza: "Oh, mother of God."

George Costanza: "I am gonna think about this. I am really gonna think about this!"

George Costanza: "The tomato never really took off as a hand fruit."

George Costanza: "Ya know, we're living in a society!"

George Costanza: "Face to face with the blowhole!"

freakin_out.mp3
(George) It's really freaking me out man!

george_bitches.mp3
George: "Sons of bitches."
 

George Costanza: "Well, I got just the thing to cheer you up... a computer!"

Seinfeld: "Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun -- ya don't stare at it!"

Seinfeld: "Oh, I know the chunky that left these Chunkies... Newman!"

Seinfeld: "I mean this thing is really freakin' me out."

Seinfeld: "Well, what are friends for?"

Seinfeld: "I'm a joke maker."

business.mp3
Jerry: So what do you do down there all day? Kramer: TCB, you know, taking care business
 

car_hold.mp3
(Jerry from stand-up) car horn honk, is that the beauty. Have you seen men doing this? What is this? man is car, the woman walks by front car, he honks horn like- eh eh eh. This man is out of ideas. How does he- eh eh eh....I dont think she likes me.

Seinfeld: "Oh, yeah, I like this idea."

Seinfeld: "It seems like every week a whole new set of problems would just crop up out of nowhere."

Seinfeld: "There's no more kissing, and I don't care what the consequences are."

Seinfeld: "Ya know, that Jayne Mansfield had some big breasts."

Seinfeld: "We've made a lot of friends, shared a lot of laughs... often at the expense of others."

Seinfeld: "Seinfeld, you magnificent bastard!"

Seinfeld: "I had a dream last night that a hamburger was eating me."

Seinfeld: "What the hell is e-mail?"

Seinfeld: "I was merely speaking extemporaneously."

Seinfeld: "It's go-time."

Seinfeld: "Welcome back to the show."

Seinfeld: "Oh, that's an old wives' tale."

Seinfeld: "To the Idiot-mobile!"

Seinfeld: "Are you insane?"

Seinfeld: "Well, let's start the insanity."

Seinfeld: "Oh, I gotta get on that Internet. I'm late on everything!"

Seinfeld: "Seems like a long time, doesn't it?"

Seinfeld: "Because if I can't get one, you're not getting one!"

Seinfeld: "Carpel tunnel syndrome."

jackass.mp3
Jerry: "Oh -- I am such a jackass!"  

jerry_gay.mp3
the one where everyone thinks Jerry is gay) Kramer: You're thin, late thirties, single Jerry: So are you Kramer: Yeah, wel-hubeule
 

jiggy.mp3
(Jerry) I got jiggy with it!
 

hankerin.mp3
Jerry: I don't know about you but I'm getting hankerin for some doublemint gum

hellllo.mp3
I had looked for this forever and I finally found it, so now, little man, I give the wav to you. Seinfeld: HELLLO: La la la!
 

honk_horns.mp3
Jerry from stand up) That's why I think men get frustrated when we women reading articles like 'Where to meet men'. We're here, we're are everywhere! We're honking our horns to serve you better.
 

Jerry Seinfeld: "All right ... All right ... All right!"

Kramer: "Oh, c'mon, man. Help a brother out."

Kramer: "Cuz I'm like ice, buddy. When I don't like you, you got problems."

Kramer: "You mean circumcision... I would advise against that."

Kramer: "I'm dangerous, Jerry. I'm very, very dangerous!"

Kramer: "You're crazy!"

Kramer: "Yoyo Ma."

Kramer: "Will you stop it, man? You're freakin' me out!"

kramer_yes.mp3
Kramer: ooohhhh, yessss.
 

krmrspaz.mp3
Kramer: "C'mon Jerry -- I'm beggin' ya ..."

 

kyes.mp3
Kramer - OOOH Yes
 

lap_around.mp3
(Kramer) Come on, one lap around (Elaine) No! (Kramer) It'll be funky adventure (Elaine) Kramer, forget it
 

drugged_her.mp3
(Kramer) Are you saying that you drugged woman so you could take advantage of her toys?
 

elaine_adult.mp3
Kramer with video camera): Now we're talking with Elaine Benes, adult film star, set her new picture, Elaine Does Upper West Side
 

Kramer: "Ahhhh... the mother lode."

Kramer: "There's a naked woman across the street."

Kramer: "It's payback time!"

Kramer: "Jerry, I'm tellin' ya I have this power... and I have no control over it."

Kramer: "These pretzels are makin' me thirsty."

Kramer: "Look at you... Why don't you do something with your life??... Sit around here all day. You contribute nothing to society!"

Kramer: "All this time I'm trying not to be me. I'm afraid to face who I was. But I'm Cosmo, Jerry. I'm Cosmo Kramer, and that's who I'm going to be. From now on, I'm Cosmo!"

Larry Thomas as the Soup Nazi: "No soup for you!"

Jerry Seinfeld: "What are we doing? ... What in God's name are we doing?"

Jason Alexander as George: "What."

Seinfeld: "What kind of lives are these? We're like children. We're not men."

Alexander: "No, we're not. We're not men."

Seinfeld: "We're pathetic, ya know that?"

Alexander: "Yeah, like I don't know that I'm pathetic."

Jerry Stiller: "What are you -- out of your mind??"

Estelle Harris: "Why can't you do anything like a normal person??"

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: "Oy vey."

Seinfeld: "So, what's on your mind?"

Kramer: "It's Pam."

Seinfeld: "Pam? What about Pam?"

Richards: "I love her, Jerry!"

Sfx: Buzzer.

Seinfeld: "Yeah?"

Pam on intercom): "It's Pam."

Seinfeld: "C'mon up."

Julia Louis-Dreyfus as Elaine: "I will never understand people."

Seinfeld: "They're the worst."

Seinfeld: "Elaine, what percentage of people would you say are good-looking?"

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: "Twenty-five percent?"

Seinfeld: "Twenty-five percent?"

Louis-Dreyfus: "Um-hmm."

Seinfeld: "No way! It's like four-to-six percent. It's a 20-to-1 shot."

Louis-Dreyfus: "You're way off."

Seinfeld: "Way off?"

Louis-Dreyfus: "Yeah."

Seinfeld: "Have you been to the motor vehicle bureau? It's a leper colony down there."

Louis-Dreyfus: "So, basically, what you're saying is 95 percent of the population is un-date-able?"

Seinfeld: "Un-date-able!"

Louis-Dreyfus: "Then how are all these people getting together?"

Seinfeld: "Alcohol."

Jerry Stiller as Frank Costanza: "You want a piece o' me??"

Wayne Knight: "I'm a United States postal worker."

George Costanza: "Aren't those the guys that always go crazy and come back with a gun and shoot everybody?"

Knight: "Sometimes."

Seinfeld: "Why is that?"

Knight: "Because the mail never stops. Every day it piles up more and more and more, and you've gotta get it out, but the more you get it out, the more it keeps coming in! And then the bar code reader breaks, and it's Publisher's Clearinghouse day!"

Seinfeld: "All right, all right!"

Teri Hatcher: "And, by the way... they're real, and they're spectacular."

Seinfeld: "Are you serious?"

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: "Look, Jerry, we have to have sex to save the friendship."

The funky bass riff we hear at the commercial break during Seinfeld.

Jerry Stiller: "Serenity now!"

Sheila: "Hi, Shmoopy."

Jerry: "Hi, Shmoopy!"

Sheila: "No, you're Shmoopy!"

Jerry: "You're Shmoopy!"

Sheila: "Bye, Shmoopy."

Jerry: "Bye, Shmoopy."

Seinfeld: "She's one of these low-talkers."

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: "Ya know, because he's a high-talker."

Seinfeld: "Bit of a close-talker."

Seinfeld: "So, uh, what do you do down there all day?"

Kramer: "TCB... takin' care o' business."

Estelle Harris: "You don't know what you're saying. You're under their control!"

Larry Thomas as the Soup Nazi: "You think you can get soup? Please, you're wasting everyone's time."

Kramer: "It's a write-off for them."

Seinfeld: "How is it a write-off?"

Richards: "They just write it off."

Seinfeld: "Write it off what?"

Richards: "Jerry, all these big companies -- they write-off everything."

Seinfeld: "You don't even know what a write-off is."

Richards: "Do you?"

Seinfeld: "No, I don't."

Richards: "But they do, and they're the ones writing it off."

cat_fight.mp3
(Mr Petermen) I am smack dab in the middle of a good old fashioned cat fight. (Elaine) Mr Petermen this is not a cat fight. Mr Petermen) Woof! (Elaine) Do you mean "reer?" Mr Petermen) Yessss that's the one!
 

Jerry Seinfeld as Jerry Seinfeld: "Are we finished?"

Michael Richards as Kramer: "Done."

Seinfeld: "Fungicide... I mean what could she have?"

Julia Louis-Dreyfus as Elaine: "I don't know."

Kramer: "Fungus."

Seinfeld: "Exactly."

Wayne Knight as Newman: "That's good stuff."

Jason Alexander as George: "Hello!"

Seinfeld: "Hello!"

George Costanza: "Did you ask her?"

Seinfeld: "I tried putting her hand there, but she just pulls it away immediately. She's not into it."

Wayne Knight: "One large jambalaya, please."

Wayne Knight: "Jambalaya!"

Kramer: "I have this... power."

Latvian Orthodox priest: "Yes... Kervorka."

Richards: "Kervorka?"

Priest: "It is a Latvian word. It means 'the lure of the animal.' Women are drawn to you. She would give anything to be possessed by you."

Seinfeld: "The Kervorka? What is that?"

Kramer: "The lure of the animal."

George Costanza: "What kind of a person are you?"

Seinfeld: "I think I'm pretty much like you... only successful."

George Costanza: "Jerry, just remember... It's not a lie if you believe it."

Jodi: "I really don't like him."

Seinfeld: "Yeah, me either."

George Costanza: "So, she doesn't like me."

Seinfeld: "No."

Alexander: "She said that?"

Seinfeld: "Yes."

Alexander: "She told you she doesn't like me?"

Seinfeld: "Yes."

Alexander: "What were her exact words?"

Seinfeld: <interrupting> " 'I don't like him.' "

Karen: "Well, what difference does it make? Who cares if she doesn't like you? Does everybody in the world have to like you?"

George Costanza: "Yes! Yes! Everybody has to like me! I must be liked!"

Karen: "Well, now I hate you!"

Kramer: "Now, what does the little man inside you say?... See, you gotta listen to the little man."

George Costanza: "My little man doesn't know."

Richards: "The little man knows all!"

Alexander: "My little man's an idiot!"

Wayne Knight: "Love is a spice with many tastes... a dizzying array of textures... and moments."

Wayne Knight: "Ah, yes... forbidden love."

Seinfeld: "Ya didn't have make-up sex? How could you not have make-up sex?... That's the best feature of the heavy relationship."

George Costanza: "Heh! I missed out on the make-up sex!"

Kramer: "I mean, what are you thinking about, Jerry? Marriage? Family?"

Seinfeld: "Well ..."

Richards: "They're prisons! Man-made prisons! You're doin' time! You get up in the morning -- she's there. You go to sleep at night -- she's there. It's like you gotta ask permission to, to use the bathroom... Is it all right if I use the bathroom now?"

Seinfeld: "Really?"

Richards: "Yeah, and you can forget about watching TV while you're eating... because it's dinner time. Ya know what ya do at dinner?"

Seinfeld: "What."

Richards: "You talk about your day... How was your day today? Did you have a good day today or a bad day today? Well, what kind of day was it? Well, I don't know. How 'bout you? How was your day?"

Seinfeld: "I'm glad we had this talk."

Richards: "Oh, you have no idea!"

Kramer: "So, you're still master of your domain."

Seinfeld: "Yes. Yes, I am."

Seinfeld: "The question is... are you still master of your domain?"

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: "I'm queen of the castle."

George Costanza: "Did you see the way she was looking at me?"

Seinfeld: "She's a Nazi, George, a Nazi!"

Alexander: "I know, I know."

Wayne Knight: "Hello, Jerry."

Seinfeld: "Hello, Newman."

Seinfeld: "Hello, Newman."

Wayne Knight: "Hello, Jerry."

Fade-in theme music.

Sfx: Door knock.

Seinfeld: "Newman! Open the door, Newman, I know you're in there!"

Wayne Knight: "Hello, Jerry. What a pleasant surprise."

Seinfeld: "There's nothing pleasant about it. Now let's just cut the crap!"

Wayne Knight: "Hello, Jerry."

Seinfeld: "Hello, Newman."

arbys.mp3
Puddy - Feels like an Arby's night
 

banana.mp3
Jerry: Kramer you threw a banana peel at a monkey?!? Kramer: Well he started it!
 

beef-o-reeno.mp3
Kramer's beef-o-reeno song to the horse: "I'm so keeno on beef-o-reeno! what a delicious cuisine-o! I'ts for king and queeno!..."
 

black_white.mp3
(Jerry) See key to eating black white cookie, Elaine, is you wanna get some black some white each bite, nothing mixes better than vanilla chocolate. yet still racial harmony illudes us, if people would only look to cookie, all our problems would be solved (Elaine) Wow, your veiw race relations are just fascinating. You really should do peice for Times. (Jerry) Hmm, look to cookie Elaine, look to cookie.
 

Michael Richards as Kramer: "Jerry, George got arrested."

Seinfeld: "What?"

Richards: "Yeah, he went down at the Beakman. He tried to lam, but they cheesed him."

Seinfeld: "Oh, now I see."

Jerry Seinfeld: "Assman?"

Michael Richards as Kramer: "Yeah, Assman, Jerry. I'm Cosmo Kramer, the Assman!"

George Costanza: "I'm back in business, baby!"

George Costanza: "I'm the bad boy... I've never been the bad boy."

Seinfeld: "You've been the bad employee, the bad son, the bad friend..."

Alexander: "Yes... yes, yes."

Seinfeld: "The bad fiancé, the bad dinner guest, the bad credit risk..."

Alexander: "Okay, the point is made."

Seinfeld: "The bad date, the bad sport, the bad citizen... the bad tipper!"

George Costanza: "I might... tell her that I love her."

Seinfeld: "Well... that's a big move, Georgie-boy. Are you confident in the 'I love you' return?"

Alexander: "Fifty-fifty."

Seinfeld: "Cuz if you don't get that return... that's a pretty big matzo ball hanging out there."

George Costanza: "Do I have to break-up with her in person? Can't I do it over the phone? I have no stomach for these things."

Seinfeld: "You should just do it like a Band-Aid. One motion -- right off!"

Art collector, commenting on The Kramer: "He is a loathsome, offensive brute... yet I can't look away."

John O'Hurley as Peterman: "I am smack dab in the middle of a good old-fashioned cat fight!"

Phil Morris as Kramer's lawyer, Jackie Chiles: "Like takin' candy from a baby."

Phil Morris: "That's deplorable, unfathomable, improbable."

Phil Morris: "Sallow, unattractive, disgusting."

Phil Morris: "Oh Henry... That's one of our top-selling candy bars... It's got chocolate, peanuts, nougat... It's delicious, scrumptious, outstanding!"

Phil Morris: "It's an infringement on your constitutional rights... It's outrageous, egregious, preposterous!"

Phil Morris: "It's totally inappropriate. It's lewd, lascivious, salacious, outrageous."

Phil Morris: "This trial is outrageous!"

Phil Morris: "Oh, and by the way... They're real, and they're spectacular."

Phil Morris: "I am shocked and chagrined... Mortified and stupefied!"

Wayne Knight as Newman: "All right ... all right. All right, you go ahead. You go ahead! You keep it secret! But you remember this: When you control the mail, you control... information."

Wayne Knight: "If I'm curt, then I apologize."

Several out-takes of Jerry Stiller as Frank Costanza trying to say "Del Boca Vista."

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: "Mr. Peterman, I don't know what's going on here. I am not addicted to anything."

John O'Hurley as Peterman: "Oh, Elaine. The toll road of denial is a long and dangerous one. The price... your soul."

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: "Maybe the dingo ate your baby."

Woman: "What?"

Louis-Dreyfus: "The dingo ate your baby."

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: "Do you think I should call him and apologize?"

Seinfeld: "Yes. He's a doctor."

Guy: "What are you doing?"

George Costanza: "What?"

Guy: "Did... did you just double-dip that chip?"

Alexander: "Excuse me?"

Guy: "You double-dipped the chip!"

Alexander: "Double-dipped? What are you talking about?"

Guy: "You dipped the chip... you took a bite... and you dipped again."

Alexander: "So?"

Guy: "That's like putting your whole mouth right in the dip!"

Barney Martin as Morty Seinfeld: "Eeehhh!"

Sandy Baron as Jack Klompus: "Eeehhh!"

Wayne Knight as Newman: "Excellent."

salsa.mp3
(Jerry) What do you need salsa for? (George) Salsa is now number one condiment America (Jerry) You know why? Because people like to say 'salsa'

moops.mp3
Moops!

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nazi_think_get.mp3
(Soup Nazi) You think you can get soup? Please! You're wasting everyone's time.
 

insurance.mp3
Lady: would you like insurance? Jerry: Yeah, you better give me insurance because I am gonna beat hell out this thing
 

into_it.mp3
(George) So what happened? (Jerry) She's into it. ((George) Into what? (Jerry) The menage, and not only that she just called me she told me she spoke with the roomate and the roomate's into the menage too. (George) That's unbelievable! (Jerry) Oh it's a scene man.
 

hurt_you.mp3
Theives talking to (Kramer) Hey do you wanna get hurt? Because if you wanna get hurt I could hurt you.
 

george_dead.mp3
(on Jerry's answering machine) Jerry, it's Frank Costanza! Mr. Steinburner's here, George is dead! Call me back!
 

end_theme.mp3
Seinfeld ending theme
 

final_clip.mp3
Clip from final episode everyone complaining about people they've dated
 

final_clip2.mp3
From final episode, gang's numerous sounds noises
 

Seinfeld Audio