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Napoleon Dynamite Sound Bites

Audio Clips from Napoleon Dynamite . ... Napoleon Dynamite Sound Bites ...

Waste Your Time

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Napoleon Dynamite Script

Kid On Bus: "What are you gonna do today, Napoleon?"
Napoleon Dynamite (Jon Heder): "Whatever I feel like I wanna do, Gosh!"

Napoleon: "Last week, Japanese scientists explaced-- placed explosive detonators at the bottom of Lake Loch Ness to blow Nessie out of the water. Sir Curt Godfrey of the Nessie Alliance summoned the help of Scotland's local wizards to cast a protective spell over the lake and it's local residents and all those who seek for the peaceful existence of our underwater ally."

Don (Trevor Snarr): "Hey, Napoleon, what'd you do all last summer again?"
Napoleon: "I told you! I spent it with my uncle in Alaska hunting wolverines!"
Don: "Did you shoot any?"
Napoleon: "Yes, like 50 of 'em! They kept trying to attack my cousins. what the heck would you do in a situation like that?"
Don: "What kind of gun did you use?"
Napoleon: "A frickin' 12-gauge, what do you think?"

Napoleon: "Hey can I use your guys's phone for a sec?"
Secretary No. 1 (Thedora Peeterborg): "Is there anything wrong?"
Napoleon: "I don't feel very good."

Kip (Aaron Ruell): "Hi."
Napoleon: "Is grandma there?"
Kip: "No, she's getting her hair done."
Napoleon: "(He sighs)"
Kip: "What do you need?"
Napoleon: "Can you just go get her for me?"
Kip: "I'm really busy right now."
Napoleon: "Just tell her to come get me."
Kip: "Why?"
Napoleon: "Cause I don't feel good!"
Kip: "Well, have you talked to the school nurse?"
Napoleon: "No, she doesn't know anything. Will you just come get me?"
Kip: "No."
Napoleon: "Well, will you do me a favor then? Can you bring me my chapstick?"
Kip: "No, Napoleon."
Napoleon: "But my lips hurt real bad!"
Kip: "Just borrow some from the school nurse. I know she has like five sticks in her drawer."
Napoleon: "I'm not gonna use hers, you sicko!"
Kip: "See ya."
Napoleon: "Ugh! Idiot!"

Napoleon: "You know, there's like a butt-load of gangs at this school. This one gang kept wanting me to join 'cause I'm pretty good with a bow staff."

Napoleon: "Do you ride the bus to school?"
Pedro Sanchez (Efren Ramirez): "No, I ride my bike."
Napoleon: "What kind of bike do you have?"
Pedro: "It's a Sledgehammer."
Napoleon: "Dang! You got shocks, pegs. Lucky! You ever take it off any sweet jumps?"

Napoleon: "Dang!"

Napoleon: "Lucky!"

Napoleon: "You ever take it off any sweet jumps?"

Napoleon: "You got like three feet of air that time."

Napoleon: "Can I try it really quick? (He crashes and hurts himself)"

Grandma (Sandy Martin): "How was school?"
Napoleon: "The worst day of my life, what do you think?"

Grandma: "Well, I want you to go see if Tina wants some of this."
Napoleon: "(sighs) Kip hasn't done flipping anything today."
Grandma: "Look, tonight me and your-- Kip, listen!"
Kip: "What?"
Grandma: "Tonight, me and your aunt are gonna go visit some friends and we're not gonna be back till tomorrow. We're gettin' a little low on steak, so I got Lyle comein' over tomorrow to take care of it."
Napoleon: "Well, what's there to eat?"
Grandma: "Knock it off, Napoleon. Make yourself a dang quesadilla!"
Napoleon: "Fine!"

Napoleon: "Stay home and eat all the freakin' chips, Kip!"
Kip: "Napoleon, don't be jealous that I've been chatting online with babes all day. Besides, we both know that I'm training to be a cage fighter."
Napoleon: "Since when, Kip? You have the worst reflexes of all time."
Kip: "Try and hit me, Napoleon."
Napoleon: "What?"
Kip: "I said come down here and see what happens if you try and hit me."
Napoleon: "Such an idiot."
Kip: "Let me see what your best move is. (Kip counters his move and hits him in the head then the doorbell rings)"
Napoleon: "I'll go get it. (then he slaps kip in the face)"
Kip: "Geez!"

Deb (Tina Majorino): "Would you like to look like this?"
Napoleon: "This is a girl."
Deb: "Becouse for a limited time only glamour shots by Deb are 75% off."
Napoleon: "I already get my hair cut at the Cuttin' Corral."
Deb: "Well, maybe you'd be interested in some home-woven handicrafts."

Rex (Diedrich Bader): "I'm Rex, founder of the Rex Kwon Do Self-Defense Sysetem. After one week with me in my dojo, you'lle be prepared to defend yourself with the strength of a grizzly, the reflexes of a puma, and the wisdom of a man. Come down today for your free trial lesson!"

Napoleon: "Tina, you fat lard, come get some dinner. Tina, Eat. Eat the food. Eat the food!"

Kip: "It'd be nice if you could pull me into town."

Rex: "My name is Rex, and if you study with my eight-week program you will learn a system of self-defense that I developed over two seasons of fighting in the Octagon. It's called Rex Kwon Do!"

Rex: "Bow to your sensei. Bow to your sensei!"

Rex: "Now, watch this, everybody. Grab my arm. The other arm. My other arm. Okay, now watch this. I'm just gonna break the wrist and walk away. Break the wrist, walk away."
Kip: "Geez!"
Rex: "Okay, it was just that simple."

Rex: "Now, I want you to kick me. Come on, kick me. (he counters) Okay, do it again. (he counters) Do it again. (he counters and hits him on the head)"
Kip: "Ouch."
Rex: "Okay. You'll block it everytime. Have a seat."

Rex: "Rex Kwon Do, we use the buddy system. No more flying solo. You need somebody watching your back at all times!"

Rex: "You're going to learn to dicipline your image. You think I got where I am today because I dressed like Peter Pan here? Take a look at what I'm wearing people. You think anyone wants a roundhouse kick to the face while I'm wearing these bad boys? Forget about it."

Rex: "My students will leard about self-respect. Do you think anybody thinks I'm a failure because I go home to Starla at night? Forget about it."

Rex: "Now, for only $300 you can sighn up right now for my eight-week program."
Kip: "Well, that place was a rip-off."

Lyle (Dale Critchlow): "Nothin' on here works smooth."

Napoleon: "So, me and you are pretty much friends by now, right?"
Pedro: "Yes."
Napoleon: "So, you got my back and everything?"
Pedro: "What?"
Napoleon: "Nevermind."

Napoleon: "Have you heard about the dance?"
Pedro: "Yes."
Napoleon: "Have you met anyone to ask yet?"
Pedro: "No, but I probably will after school."
Napoleon: "Who you gonna ask?"
Pedro: "That girl over there."
Napoleon: "Summer Wheatly? How the heck are you gonna do that?"
Pedro: "Build her a cake or something."

Napoleon: "Yeah, my old girlfriend from Oklahoma was gonna fly out here for the dance but she couldn't 'cause she's doing some modeling right now."
Pedro: "Is she hot?"
Napoleon: "See for yourself."
Pedro: "Wow."
Napoleon: "Yeah, I took her to the mall to get some glamour shots for her birthday one year."
Pedro: "I like her bangs."
Napoleon: "Me too."

Napoleon: "Are you gonna eat your tots?"
Pedro: "No."
Napoleon: "Can I have em?"

Napoleon: "I see you're drinking 1%. Is that 'cause you think you're fat? 'Cause you're not. You could be drinking whole if you wanted to."

Napoleon: "Well, I have all your equipment in my locker. You should probably come get it 'cause I can't fit my nunchucks in there anymore."
Deb: "Where's your locker?"

Randy (Bracken Johnson): "Napoleon, give me some of your tots."
Napoleon: "No, go find your own."
Randy: "Come on, give me some of your tots."
Napoleon: "No, I'm freakin' starving! I didn't get to eat anything today. (Rndy kicks the tots.) Ugh! Gross! Freakin' idiot!"

Napoleon: "Tina, come get some ham!"

Napoleon: "What the flip was Grandma doing at the sand dunes?"

Uncle Rico (Jon Gries): "So what do you think?"
Kip: "It's pretty cool, I guess."
Uncle Rico: "Oh, man I wish I could go back in time. I'd take state."
Napoleon: "This is pretty much the worst video ever made."
Kip: "Napoleon, like anyone can even know that."
Uncle Rico: "You know what, Napoleon? You can leave."
Napoleon: "You guys are retarded!"

Kip: "So, you and Tammy still together?"
Uncle Rico: "No, not really."
Kip: "Why is that?"
Uncle Rico: "Well, she's jealous. Says I'm livin' too much in '82. Well, I dumped her."

Uncle Rico: "What about your girlfriend?"
Kip: "Well, things are getting pretty serious right now. I mean, we chat online for, like, two hours every day so I guess you could say things are gettin' pretty serious."


Kip: "I'm just really trying to raise a few bucks now so I can bring her out for a few days."
Uncle Rico: "Yeah, well what does she look like?"
Kip: "She's uh... she's got sandy blonde hair. She's uh... pretty good looking face, but I'm just getting really... just kinda TO'd because... I mean she hasn't even sent me a full body shot yet."

uncle Rico: "I got a little project that we might be able to make a little moola with."
Kip: "Really? That sounds pretty good."
Uncle Rico: "Have you ever heard of nylon polymer?"

uncle Rico: "Back in '82 I used to be able to throw a pigskin a quarter mile."
Kip: "Are you serious?"
uncle Rico: "I'm dead serious."

Uncle Rico: "Watch this. (He throws Kip's steak at Napoleon's head)"
Napoleon: "Ugh! What the heck are you doing?"
Kip: "That's what I'm talking about."
Pedro: "I better go."

Uncle Rico: "How much you wanna make a bet I can throw a football over them mountains?"

Uncle Rico: "Yeah, If coach would've put me in fourth quarter, we'd have been state champions, no doubt. No doubt in my mind. You better believe things would have been different. I'd have gone pro in a heartbeat. I'd be makin' millions of dollars and livin' in a big ol' mansion somewhere. You know, soakin' it up in a hot tub with my soul mate."

Uncle Rico: "Kip, I rockon you know a lot about cyberspace. Y-You ever come across anything like time travel?"
Kip: "Easy. I've already looked into it for myself."

Deb: "What are you drawing?"
Napoleon: "A liger."
Deb: "What's a liger?"
Napoleon: "It's pretty much my favorite animal. It's like a lion and a tiger mixed. Bred for it's skills in magic."

Uncle Rico: "Just a little bit east of the cemetary is a good little area right here. We should do it right there. But don't go down here, 'cause they don't have any money."

Kip: "So, how long are we talkin' about workin'?"
Uncle Rico: "What are you alr-- You're already losing your steam?"
Kip: "No, I just-- I have a chat room meeting at 4:00. I gotta be back here by then."
Uncle Rico: "All right, you just start a little earlier, that's all."
Kip: "All right."
Uncle Rico: "Or else work afterwards. How long is the chat room?"
Kip: "Geez, sometimes up to three, four hours maybe. Maybe not. I don't know."
Uncle Rico: "You-- You pay the bills for that? Does that cost money every time you're on there, like for minutes on the phone?"
Kip: "Yeah, Grandma's still paying per minute. She gets kinda pissed at me sometimes 'cause I'm on there so long."
Uncle Rico: "I bet she does. I'll tell you something, I'd be throwin' you out the window."

Uncle Rico: "We also need someway to make us look official, like we got all the answers."
Kip: "How about some gold bracelets?"
Uncle Rico: "We need, like, some name tags with our picture on it, all laminated and what not. I mean, we gotta look legit, man."
Kip: "That's true. That's true."

Deb: "Mm-kay, turn you head on more of a slant. Now, make a fist. Slowly ease it up underneath your chin. This is looking really good."
Kip: "You can say that again."
Deb: "Okay, hold still right there. Now, just imagine you're weightless, in the middle of the ocean, surrounded by tiny little seahorses. (Shutter clicks) That was the one. I think that's gonna come out really nice."
Uncle Rico: "Uh, you did it? wow, wow, that felt really relaxed. Thanks Deb. You're up Kip."
Kip: "Is there some kind of vest that I can wear?"

Napoleon: "Well, nobody's gonna go out with me."
Pedro: "Have you asked anybody yet?"
Napoleon: "No, but who would?I don't even have any good skills."
Pedro: "What do you mean?"
Napoleon: "You know, like nunchuck skills, bow hunting skills, computer hacking skills. Girls only want boyfriends who have great skills."
Pedro: "Aren't you pretty good at drawing, like, animals and warriors and stuff?"
Napoleon: "Yes. Probably the best that I know of."
Pedro: "Just draw a picture of the girl you want to take out and give it to her for, like, a gift or something."
Napoleon: "That's a pretty good Idea."

Uncle Rico: "Now if you invest in the 24-piece set I'm gonna throw in a little gift."
Lance (Brian Petersen): "So, what's the gift?"
Uncle Rico: "I bet you folks don't have one of these."
Lance's Wife: "I want that."
Uncle Rico: "You see, this ain't your run-of-the-mill crapper-ware. These are some serious Nupont fiber-woven bowls."
Lance: "So, if we purchase the 24-piece set the mini sailboat is included?"
Uncle Rico: "That's correct, sir."

Uncle Rico: "So, uh, how does the dealio sound to you?"

Kip: "Napoleon, let go of me. I think you're bruising my neck meat."

Napoleon: "What the heck are you guys doing? Trying to ruin my life, make me look like a friggin' idiot?"
Kip: "I'm out making some sweet moola with Uncle Rico."

Kip: "Geez, I think you ripped my mole off."
Napoleon: "I did?"
Kip: "Yeah, is it bleeding?"
Napoleon: "A little bit."

Uncle Rico: "I wish you wouldn't look at me like that, Napoleon."
Napoleon: "I wish you'd get out of my life and shut up."

Uncle Rico: "I'm gonna tell you somethin' right now. While you're out there playing patty cake with your friend Pedro, your Uncle Rico is makin' 120 bucks."
Napoleon: "I could make that much money in five seconds!"
Kip: "Geez. Yeah right, Napoleon. I made, like, 75 bucks today."
Uncle Rico: "Napoleon, it's looks like you don't have a job. So why don't you get out there and feed Tina."
Napoleon: "Why don't you go eat a decroded piece of crap?"

Napoleon: "Do the chickens have large talons?"
Farmer (Pat Donahue): "Do they have what?"
Napoleon: "Large talons?"
Farmer: "I don't understand a word you just said."

Farmer: "Can't find my checkbook. Hope you don't mind I pay you in change."

Napoleon: "Six dollars. That's like a dollar an hour."

Napoleon: "Hello?"
Trisha (Emily Kennard): "Napoleon there?"
Napoleon: "Yes."
Trisha: "Can I talk to him?"
Napoleon: "You already are."
Trisha: "Oh."

Trisha: "I'd like to thank you for the beautiful drawing you did of me. It's hanging in my bedroom."
Napoleon: "Really? It took me like three hours to finish the shading on your upper lip. It's probably the best drawing I've ever done."
Trisha: "Yeah, it's really nice."

Pedro: "Who was that?"
Napoleon: "Trisha."
Pedro: "Who's she?"
Napoleon: "My woman I'm taking to the dance."
Pedro: "Did you draw her a picture?"
Napoleon: "Heck yes I did!"

Napoleon: "Pedro, how do you feel about that one?"
Pedro: "That looks nice."
Napoleon: "Yeah, it looks pretty sweet. It looks awesome! The suit, it's-- it's incredible."

Napoleon: "Is Trisha here?"
Trisha's Father: "What's that in my driveway?"
Napoleon: "It's my ride."

Napoleon: "You guys having a killer time?"

Napoleon: "I like your sleeves. There real big."
Deb: "Thank you. I made them myself."

Pedro: "Do you think people will vote for me?"
Napoleon: "Heck yes! I'd vote for you."
Pedro: "Like what are my skills?"
Napoleon: "Well, you have a sweet bike. And you're really good at hooking up with chicks. Plus you're like the only guy at school who has a mustache."
Pedro: "That's true."
Napoleon: "If you need to use any of my skills I can do whatever you want."
Pedro: "Thanks."

Pedro: "If I win, you can be my secretary or something."
Napoleon: "Sweet! Plus I could be your bodyguard too. Or like, secret service captain or whatever."
Pedro: "Okay."

Napoleon: "Sweet!"

Uncle Rico: "Napoleon, you know we can't afford the fun pack. What, do you think that money grows on trees in this family? Take it back!"

Napoleon: "The defect in that one is bleach."
FFA Judge No. 1 (Tom Adams): "That's correct"
Napoleon: "Yes."

Napoleon: "This tastes like the cow got into an onion patch."
FFA Judge No. 1: "Correct"
Napoleon: "Yes."

Pedro: "Do you think it's kinda warm in here?"
Napoleon: "No."
Pedro: "I think it's-- they have the heater on or something."
Napoleon: "It seams pretty good to me."
Pedro: "You don't feel like your head is burning or anything?"
Napoleon: "No."
Pedro: "I'm gonna go home and lay down."
Napoleon: "Okay, see ya."

Don: "Vote for Summer."
Napoleon: "Yeah, right, I'm not voting for her."
Don: "Then who you gonna vote for?"
Napoleon: "I'm voting for Pedro Sanchez, who do you think?"

Kip: "So, that guy in Florida give your money back yet?"
Uncle Rico: "Oh, I wrote him an e-mail sayin' I'm gonna contact the authorities if I don't get a refund in full."

Napoleon: "Why do you got your hood on like that?"
Pedro: "Well, when I came home from school, my head started to get really hot. SO I drank some cold water, but it didn't do nothing. So I laid in the bathtub for a while but then I realized that it was my hair that was making my head so hot. So I went into my kitchen, and I shaved it all off. I don't want anyone to see."
Napoleon: "I know what you mean."

Deb: "There's just so many options."
Napoleon: "That one's good. Looks like a medievil warrior."
Deb: "You know, you're right. That's a good one."

Pedro: "Vote for Pedro."
Napoleon: "Vote for Pedro."
Pedro: "Vote for Pedro."
Napoleon: "Vote for Pedro."
Pedro: "Vote for me."
Napoleon: "Vote for Pedro. Vote for Pedro."
Pedro: "Vote for me."
Napoleon: "Vote for Pedro."
Pedro: "Vote for Pedro."
Napoleon: "Vote for Pedro."
Pedro: "Vote for Pedro."
Napoleon: "Vote for Pedro."

Napoleon: "Hows your neck?"
Kid At School: "Stings."
Napoleon: "That's too bad. Pedro offers you his protection."

Uncrle Rico: "(Napoleon throws an orange at Uncle Rico's van while he's driving and Uncle Rico lets out a girlish scream)"

Uncle Rico: "Why the heck you throwin' crap at my van, Napoleon?"
Napoleon: "Everybody at school thinks I'm a frickin' idiot 'cause of you."
Uncle Rico: "You're gonna clean my van, right now!"
Napoleon: "Get off of me, you bodaggit!"

Video Tape Guy: "Welcome to D-Quon's Dance Groove. Are you ready to get your groove on?"
Napoleon: "Yes."
Video Tape Guy: "Alright then, let's get started."

Kip: "LaFawnduh is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I'm 100% positive that she is my soul mate. Napoleon, I'm sure there's a babe out there for you too. Peace out."

Deb: "Is this what you were looking for?"
Uncle Rico: "Nah, I was thinkin' of somethin' a little more soft around the edges."
Deb: "Hmm. Well, I have a nice, soft pink sheet I could hang and I could wrap you in some foam or something billowy?"
Uncle Rico: "Yeah, billowy's good."

Uncle Rico: "You know, Deborah, you have striking features. Such a soft face should be complimented with a soft body."

Uncle Rico: "My friends and clients, they call me Uncle Rico."

Uncle Rico: "You stop wishin' and call me when you're ready."

Uncle Rico: "I'm not going anywhere, Napoleon."
Napoleon: "Get off my property."
Uncle Rico: "It's a free country. I can do whatever I want."
Napoleon: "Get off my property or I'll call the cops on you."
Uncle Rico: "Then do it. Go on."
Napoleon: "Maybe I will, Gosh!"

Napoleon: "How's it going?"
Pedro: "Good."
Napoleon: "Deb just called me. She pretty much hates me by now."
Pedro: "Why?"
Napoleon: "'Cause my Uncle Rico is an idiot!"
Pedro: "Do you have anything to give to her?"
Napoleon: "No. Not unless she likes fish."

Teacher (Mary Heers): "Your speach is up next. Your skit had better be pretty good."
Pedro: "A skit?"
Teacher: "You perform a skit after your speach, Pedro."
Napoleon: "What? A flippin' skit? Why didn't anyone tell us about this?"

Napoleon: "What? A flippin' skit? Why didn't anyone tell us about this?"

Pedro: "If you vote for me all of your wildest dreams will come true."

Soundtrack: "(A clip of the music that played when Napoleon danced in the auditorium)"

Napoleon: "I caught you a delicous bass."

Lyle: "Kipland Ronald Dynamite, do you take LaFawnduh Lucas to be your lawful wedded wife in sickness and health, till death do you part?"
Kip: "You know I do."

Kip: "(singing) Why do you love me? Why do you need me? Always and forever... We met in a chatroom, now our love can fully bloom. Sure the world wide web is great, but you, you make my salvivate. Yes, I love technology, but not as much as you, you see. But I still love technology. Always and forever... Our love is like a flock of doves, flying up to heaven above. Always and forever... Always and forever... Yes, our love is truely great. Always and forever..."

Napoleon: "Hey, sorry I'm late. I just got done taming a wild honeymoon stallion for you guys."

Napoleon: "Hey, Deb, could you take a photo of me on the horse real quick?"
Deb: "Sure."
Napoleon: "Thanks."

Napoleon: "I hope your guys' experiences are unforgettable."

Kip: "Hmm. Lookie, lookie, a little keepsake fo you guys."

Napoleon: "Freaking idiot! (sigh)"

Napoleon: "Sweet"

Napoleon:"How was school? –Worst day of my life; what do you think?"

Napoleon: "This is pretty much the worst video ever made."

Napoleon: "Are you going to eat your tots?"

Napoleon: "What the heck are you guys doing, trying to ruin my life and make me look like a frigging idiot?"

Napoleon: "Well, nobody's going to go out with me. –Have you asked anybody yet? –No, but who would? I don't even have any good skills. –What do you mean? –You know, like… numchuck skills, bow-hunting skills, computer hacking skills. Girls only want boyfriends who have great skills!"

Napoleon: "Eat the food!" (151k)

Napoleon: "don't feel very good..." (75k)

Napoleon: "Flippin'!" (317k)

Napoleon: "Tina, come get some hame." (18k)

Napoleon: "...give me some..." (160k)

Napoleon: "Do you ride the bus...?" (194k)

Napoleon: "Lucky." (9k)

Napoleon: "...my numb chucks..." (120k)

Napoleon: "...pick me up?" (484k)

Napoleon: "...sweet jumps?" (26k)

Napoleon: Think your fat?" (99k)

Napoleon: "What the flip?" (30k)

Napoleon: "...with a bowstaff." (83k)

Napoleon: "...hunting wolverines." (194k)

Napoleon: "worst day ever." (38k)

Napoleon: "Dang!" (7k)

Kip: "...how long you talkin' about workin'?" (417k)

Kip: "...chatting online with babes." (430k)

Kip: "Pretty cool, I guess." (235k)

Kip: "...you and Tammy still together?" (187k)

Kip: "...we chat online for about 2 hours..." (132k)

Kip: "Let go of me! I think you're bruising my neck meat!"

Kip: "Napoleon, don't be jeaolous that I've been chatting online with babes all day. Besides, we both know I'm training to become a cage fighter."

Pedro: "Build her a cake or something." (241k)

Pedro: "I like her bangs." (310k)

Pedro: "...you got my back? What?" (121k)

Rex: "Bow to your SenSei!" (28k)

Rex: Commercial (241k)

Rex: "...grab my arm." (159k)

Rex: "go home to Starla at night?" (112k)

Rex: "I want you to kick me..." (140k)

Rex: "For only $300..." (127k)

Rex: "watchin' your back, at all times." (76k)

Rex: "Take a look at what I'm wearin'..." (174k)

Rex: "Bow to your sensei. Bow to your sensei!"

Uncle Rico: "Kip, I reckon you know a lot about cyberspace. Y-you ever come across anything like time travel? –Easy. I've already looked into for myself."