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New Years Puns

Absolutely hillarious New Year one-liners!


New Year jokes and funny quotes - drop the ball and raise a toast!

  • My New Years Resolution is to break my New Years Resolutions....That way I succeed at something!
  • New Years Eve forecast: Mostly drunk with a slight chance of passing out.
  • I'm getting drunk just thinking about tomorrow night.
  • Anyone who says that alcohol is a depressant isn't drinking enough of it.
  • What happens every year when the Time Square Ball drops? Justin Bieber gets jealous
  • May all your troubles last as long as your New Year resolutions.
  • Every New Year’s I have the same question: “How did I get home?”
  • New Year's is just a holiday created by calendar companies who don't want you reusing last year's calendar.
  • What do you call always having a date for New Year's Eve? Social Security.
  • I want to get so drunk that if vampires bit my neck they'd get a Bloody Mary.
  • On New Years, just remember: if your cup runneth over, you’ve probably reached your limit.
  • New Years Eve is the only acceptable time to wear body glitter without being mistaken for a stripper.
  • May all your troubles last as long as your New Years resolutions.
  • I have only one resolution. To rediscover the difference between wants and needs. May I have all I need and want all I have. Happy New Year!
  • An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.
  • Tonight the Mayor is dropping the ball in New York while Congress is dropping the ball in Washington.
  • I'm planning on finding new and interesting things to hate about my job in 2016.
  • Many things can be preserved in alcohol this New Years Eve. DIGNITY is not one of them.
  • My New Year's resolution is to stop hanging out with people who ask me about my New Year's resolutions.
  • My new year’s resolution is to get better at pretending to know the words to Auld Lang Syne.
  • What do you tell someone you didn't see at New Year's Eve? I haven't seen you for a year!
  • New Years Eve forecast: Mostly drunk with a slight chance of passing out.
  • I'll remember 2015 like it was yesterday
  • New Year’s Eve, when auld acquaintances be forgot. Unless, of course, those tests come back positive.
  • I hereby resolve not to catch fire while riding a flaming hoverboard....again.
  • Remember you can reset your resolutions on January 14th (Orthodox New Year) and February 8th (Chinese New Year). After that, even I can't help you.
  • You don't have to wait until midnight to see my balls drop.
  • If 2015 was a person, I'd sue him for pain and suffering and lost wages.
  • My wife still hasn't told me what my New Year's resolutions are.
  • This New Year's I resolve to be less awesome since that is really the only thing I do in excess.
  • Be joyous, cause its a New Year.
  • My 2016 resolution is for everyone else to gain the 50 pounds I refuse to lose.
  • I wanna kiss you on December 31st from 11:59 pm to 12:01 am, so I can have an amazing ending to 2015 and a beautiful beginning into 2015.
  • Just heard that in 2016 there will be a new device that can turn thoughts into speech. I have had that for years, it's called alcohol.
  • It's officially New Year Eve, you only have a couple of hours to do all the things you will resolve not to do in the new year.
  • My new year's resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either rum, vodka, or whiskey.
  • My New Years resolution is 1080p.
  • What do you tell someone you didn't see at New Year's Eve? I haven't seen you for a year!
  • I'm actually feeling pretty okay about not accomplishing anything this year.
  • People treat New Year's like some sort of life-changing event. If your life sucked last year, it's probably still going to suck tomorrow.
  • New Year's is just a holiday created by calendar companies who don't want you reusing last year's calendar.
  • Dear God, my prayer for 2016 is a FAT bank account and a THIN body. Please don't mix it up like you did this year.
  • I was going to quit all my bad habits for the new year, but then I remembered that nobody likes a quitter.
  • What do you call always wanting a date for New Year's Eve? Social Security
  • New Year's Day: Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.
  • If your born in September, its pretty safe to assume your parents started out the New Year with a Bang!
  • Keep the smile, Leave the tear, Hold the laugh, Leave the pain, Think of joy, Forget the fear.
  • Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.
  • What happened to the Irish man who thought about the evils of drinking in the New Year? He gave up thinking.
  • There have been many times in 2015, when I have annoyed you, distubed you, irritated you, and bugged the hell out of you....today I just wanna tell you I plan to continue in 2016!
  • Every year I make a resolution to change myself....... this year making a resolution to be myself!
  • In 2016, may your neighbors respect you, troubles neglect you, angels protect you, and heaven accept you.
  • What's the problem with jogging on New Years Eve? The ice falls out of your drinks!
  • Dear Luck, .....can we be friends in 2016 Please?
  • A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.
  • People think New Years is a life changing event. If your life sucked last year, it's probably still going to suck tomorrow.
  • One resolution I have made, and try always to keep, is this: To rise above the little things.