<link rel="stylesheet" href="../../../css/skel.css" /> <link rel="stylesheet" href="../../../css/style.css" /> <link rel="stylesheet" href="../../../css/style-desktop.css" />

Money Puns

Absolutely hillarious money one-liners! Large collection of best money one-line jokes


I need some money puns

  • College is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they'll send your kid back.
  • Dear, must you spend so much money on food? ”Sorry, darling, but you and the kids just won’t eat anything else!”
  • I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work.
  • It’s no wonder that some baseball players have lots of money – often even many of the bases are loaded.
  • I've put something aside for a rainy day. It's an umbrella.
  • The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
  • Some people marry for love, others for wealth. That’s why it is called match or money.
  • People say money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you had enough money, you can have a key made.
  • Money talks ...but all mine ever says is good-bye.
  • There are two rules for success: 1) Don't tell all you know.
  • Saw makers losing money have to make lots of cuts.
  • Those who invest in chocolate put their money behind bars.
  • What's the difference of deer nuts and beer nuts? Beer nuts are a $1.75, but deer nut are under a buck.
  • Where does a fish go to borrow money? The loan shark!
  • I let my kids follow their dreams, unless I already paid the registration fee on their last dream, then they follow that for 6-8 more weeks.
  • The topiary artist invested all his money in shears and hedge funds.
  • What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild? Money.
  • I got a gold filling and put my money where my mouth is.
  • What is the difference between a crazy rabbit and a counterfeit coin? One is bad money, and the other is a mad bunny.
  • That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is "act natural, you're innocent".
  • Why didn't the man report his stolen credit card? The thief was spending less then his wife.
  • The inventor of chewing gum soon bubbled his money.
  • I saw a sign that said "Watch for children" and I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade".
  • The best things in life are free *plus shipping and handling*
  • Arguing with a woman is like buying a lottery ticket. You know you're not gonna win, but you're sure as hell gonna try.
  • To save money for the company he cut all the electricity. They were soon in the black.
  • If money doesnt grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?
  • Did you hear about the kid that ate some coins? He sat on the toilet until a quarter past
  • The Best way to get back on your feet is to miss a couple of car payments!
  • A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything was last year.
  • I recently spent money on detergent to unclog my kitchen sink. It was money down the drain.
  • I need a new bank account. This one has run out of money.
  • The question isn't at what age I want to retire, it's at what income.
  • Just took a power nap on a park bench. Made $7.30 in change.
  • Time is money. Overtime is more money.
  • When the money fell from my pocket I saw this punk reach for it, pointed my.357 Magnum at him and muttered, ‘Go ahead, take my pay.
  • I bet you $4,567.89 you can't guess how much I owe my bookie.
  • Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
  • If time is money are ATM's time machines?
  • There are so many scams on the Internet these days.... but for $19.95 I can show you how to avoid them.
  • My first child has gone off to college and I feel a great emptiness in my life. Specifically, in my checking account.
  • What would be the brand name of the highest quality copy paper money could buy? The ream of the crop!
  • My ex-wife goes bowling with the money I send her each month. I guess that’s why they call it alley money.
  • Don’t expect to make a lot of money going into the pornography business. After all, you’re just making ends meet.
  • The IRS left a message on my cell phone that I owed them more money. It was a taxed message.
  • If money talks, why do we need bank tellers?
  • I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
  • What's the difference between a paycheck and a penis? You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck.
  • Carpe dime: Seize the ten cent piece.
  • A boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his mom telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said, ‘No change yet.’
  • Living on earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the sun.
  • If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
  • A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.
  • They owed me a lot of money for the new house – I billed them.
  • A man with no pennies got into senseless trouble.