<link rel="stylesheet" href="../../../css/skel.css" /> <link rel="stylesheet" href="../../../css/style.css" /> <link rel="stylesheet" href="../../../css/style-desktop.css" />

Medical Puns

puns about medicine, medical jokes


Funny jokes about medicine, drugs, doctors, nurses

  • Gastroenterologists always lose at scrabble because they get stuck with all the bowels. 
  • Which drug has puzzling side effects? Ritalin 
  • Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
  • Doctor, Doctor, You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking! "Do you drink a lot?" "Not really - I spill most of it!"
  • Wounds heal better if they are covered. This is an example of gauze and effect.
  • I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
  • Who specializes in men's necks? The guy-neck-ologist! 
  • He was wheeled into the operating room, and then had a change of heart.
  • Did you hear about the red-nosed doctor who prescribed beer for every alement? 
  • I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.
  • The stunt pilot could no longer perform aerial tricks after being diagnosed with loopus.
  • I don’t find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency.
  • The doctor had to paint Easter eggs before making his dye-egg-nosis. 
  • The cancer specialist never gets to sleep, because he's an on-col-ogist. 
  • I don't get people who stumble into mirrors. They need to watch themselves.
  • Hospitals approve of which musical sandwiches? Organ donairs. 
  • How do you recognise the oncologist at a funeral? They are the ones doing compressions
  • My wife has a cold. This morning she woke up and had her morning coughy.
  • A doctor said to his car mechanic, "Your debit is several times more per hour then we get paid for medical care." "Yeah, but you see, doc, you have always the same model, it hasn't changed since Adam; but we have to keep up to date with new models coming every year."
  • When do some doctors talk about the weather? Whenever they meet a urologist. 
  • ‘Doctor, my hair keeps falling out. Have you got anything to keep it in?’ ‘What about a cardboard box?’
  • ‘Doctor, I’ve swallowed a spoon.’ ‘Sit down and don’t stir.’
  • Is Valium still effective at high altitudes? 
  • PMS jokes aren’t funny; period.
  • Are you ready to try your hand at knee surgery - Ssure, I'll take a stab at it
  • The saying, ‘There’s more pleasure in giving than in receiving,’ applies chiefly to advice… and medicine.
  • If you lose your hearing, is it ear replaceable?
  • I probably have blind spots, but I don't see them.
  • Where do you hide money from a surgeon? Tape it to his kids
  • Which STD is terminal? Goner-rhea! 
  • The raggedy sponge toy had a simple case of frayed nerfs. 
  • Which nerve is responsible for massive erections? The crane-ial. 
  • Anal fissures? Let's hope the ER has a crack team! 
  • Who never interrupts? An in-turn! 
  • While I was in the doctor’s waiting room, there was this tiny man, only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, he let me see the doctor first. I suppose he just had to be a little patient.
  • Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly? So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.
  • Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.
  • The doctor gave me a bill and told me I had six weeks to live. I told him, "I can't pay this!" So he gave me six more.
  • The painter was hospitalized due to too many strokes.
  • The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
  • I felt super exhausted after giving blood. It's such a draining procedure.
  • Did you hear that Coca-cola has finally hired a staff fizzician? 
  • There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center that said ‘Keep off the Grass.'
  • Which doctors are the best interior decorators? Room-atologists! 
  • I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up.
  • Does an apple a day keep the doctor away? Only if you aim it well enough.
  • Are you an organ donor? "No, but I once gave an old piano to the Salvation Army."
  • The patient was dogged by shitzuphrenia. 
  • Which comedian will donate his bones to science? Red Skelton. 
  • I tried to look up impotence on the Internet but nothing came up.
  • Which doctors don't drive Beemers? The Audi-ologists! 
  • Surprised at the number of doctors who were murdered in 2004? Not at all, we've been expecting the surgeon homicides! 
  • What’s the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist? One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats.
  • I have some good news and some bad news. But don’t worry, I’ll give the good news to your widow.
  • The war hero went to an animal hospital; he insisted on seeing a veteranarian. 
  • I went to the doctor this morning and told him I felt run down. ‘Why do you feel that?’ he asked. ‘Because,’ I replied, ‘I’ve got tire marks on my legs.'
  • Why does the ophthalmologist prescribe selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors? Because it's his job to assess our eyes! (SSRIs) 
  • Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation? "Yes, of course..." "Great! I never could before!"
  • Why did the Spanish Inquisition punish unbelievers by forcing them to drink coffee? Because caffeine is a die-heretic! 
  • He is not dead, he is electroencephalographically challenged.
  • I mixed up the cardiac resuscitation equipment with the lie detector, but I will de-fib you later.
  • “Statistically…. 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.
  • What's the difference between a gynecologist and an urologist? The smell of their gloves.
  • URINE: opposite of ‘you’re out.'