<link rel="stylesheet" href="../../../css/skel.css" /> <link rel="stylesheet" href="../../../css/style.css" /> <link rel="stylesheet" href="../../../css/style-desktop.css" />

Funny Wise Sayings

Hottest funny wise collection of all time. Real Easy to read list.


Check out some of the best sayings and quotes.

  • The best advise I have for all my teachers during a test is to pass the test out as fast as possible before I forget everything.
  • If Cinderella's shoe fit perfectly, then why did it fall off?
  • Creditors have better memories than debtors.
  • A friend in need is a pest. – Arthur Daley in the popular 1980’s British sitcom, “Minder” – thanks to Rob
  • A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
  • A closed mouth gathers no feet.
  • Cheer up! Remember the less you have, the more there is to get.
  • I'm not arguing, I'm just telling you why you're wrong.
  • The best revenge is massive success.
  • Eat a live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse can happen to you for the rest of the day.
  • Everything is funny as long as it is happening to someone else.
  • Gingerbread man is a perfect man, he’s cute, he’s sweet and if he gives you any heck, you can bite his head off.
  • Blessed is he that can laugh at himself, he will never cease to be amused.
  • An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but an onion a day keeps everyone away.
  • Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker.
  • A cop pulled me over and told me "Papers", so I said "Scissors, I win!" and drove off.
  • A teacher’s job is to take a room full of live wires and make sure they are well grounded.
  • Frank Sinatra
  • Being young is a fault that diminishes daily.
  • Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
  • I never make the same mistake twice. I make it three four times, you know, just to be sure!
  • A man’s got to do what a man’s got to do. A woman must do what he can’t. – Rhonda Hansome
  • I could agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong.
  • If you don't succeed at first, hide all evidence that you tried.
  • Fish and visitors stink after three days.
  • An old woman in a nursing home lifted her dress and shouted “supersex, supersex!” every time she came upon an old gentleman. Finally she did this again in front of an old man who hesitated and said finally, “I’ll have soup.”
  • Don't mess with me, I know Karate, Judo, Jujitsu, Kung Fu and 20 other dangerous words.
  • I just finally discovered what's wrong with my brain: on the left side there is nothing right and on the right side, there is nothing left.
  • Do what you think is right in your heart. You’ll be criticized anyway.
  • Defend me from my friends; I can defend myself from my enemies.
  • A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.
  • God could not be everywhere and therefore he made mothers.
  • A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.
  • Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
  • Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.
  • Dying while young is a boon in old age.
  • A diplomat is one who thinks twice before saying nothing.
  • Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
  • Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. That way if he gets angry, he’ll be a mile away and barefoot.
  • Fond pride of dress is sure an empty curse; ere fancy you consult, consult your purse.
  • Common sense is the most widely shared commodity in the world, for every man is convinced that he is well supplied with it.
  • A deaf husband and a blind wife are always a happy couple.
  • A man must serve his time in every trade except censure-critics are ready made.
  • Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
  • Epitaph on a scolding wife by her husband: Here my poor Bridget’s corpse doth lie, she is at rest — and so am I!
  • Credit cards are like mosquitoes. You can keep them away for a while, but sooner or later they will be back to suck your blood.
  • Blessed is he that expects nothing, for he shall never be dissapointed.
  • If you don't cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole cake, then you only had one piece.
  • Exercise? I thought you said extra fries!
  • Anyone who doesn’t think there are two sides to an argument is probably in one.
  • A flatterer never seems absurd: the flatter’d always takes his word.
  • All the world is mad save for me and thee, and sometimes I wonder about thee.
  • Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.
  • How can you make sure you never miss your target? Shoot first, and whatever you hit, call it the target.
  • God works wonders now and then; behold! a lawyer, an honest man.
  • A bulldog can whip a skunk, but sometimes it’s not worth it.
  • Everyone has the right to be stupid but you’re abusing the priviledge.
  • Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
  • The difference between pizza and your opinion is that I actually asked for pizza.
  • Golf: A good walk ruined.
  • Great talkers should be cropped for they have no need of ears.
  • A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity.
  • If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.
  • All would live long but none would be old.
  • A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
  • Dear God, I have a problem; it’s me.