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Death Puns

Absolutely hillarious Death one-liners! Large collection of best Death one-line jokes


I need some death puns

  • Can I make Halloween puns? Of corpse I can!
  • Why did the driver look surprise after hit the old lady? He could only find some old corpse under the car!
  • I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need.
  • Old preachers never die, they just ramble on, and on, and on, and on….
  • Old programmers never die, they just branch to a new address.
  • Why is the comedian now a corpse? He finally hit a punch line that worked!
  • Old daredevils never die, they just get discouraged.
  • Can I grab some ice from the freezer? Sure just watch out for the corpse!
  • Why is there a corpse on your front lawn? It’s the cheapest Halloween prop I could hand make!
  • Building a cul-de-sac would be a bit of a dead-end job.
  • What do you call to corpse sit in the sun? Dead heat!
  • A funeral ship is a sea hearse.
  • How do you know that a corpse is sick? It lies around day and night coffin!
  • Old printers never die, they’re just not the type.
  • Why was the corpse lonely? It was smelly!
  • Why was the corpse upset? It made a grave error!
  • Old cleaning people never die, they just kick the bucket.
  • Old hypochondriacs never die, they just lose their grippe.
  • Old pacifists never die, they just go to peaces.
  • Old lumberjacks never die, they just pine away.
  • Old numerical analysts never die, they just get disarrayed.
  • The Man Who Created Autocorrect Has Died. Resturant In Peace.
  • I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
  • Old ministers never die, they just get put out to pastor….
  • Old milkmaids never die, they just lose their whey.
  • Old hardware engineers never die, they just cache in their chips.
  • Old cashiers never die, they just check out.
  • Why did the corpse rise up out of the ground? It was a full moon!
  • What food does a corpse hate to eat? Creamtion!
  • What did the corpse call his band? The deadbeats!
  • Do you like zombies? Of corpse I do!
  • What do you call two corpses that reach the surface at the same time? A dead heat!
  • Did you know that autopsy is a dying practice?
  • A ghost rides an elevator to lift his spirits.
  • Smoking will kill you... Bacon will kill you... But,smoking bacon will cure it.
  • Old ministers never die, they just get put out to pastor…
  • Old bosses never die, much as you want them to.
  • About a month before he died, my uncle had his back covered in lard. After that, he went down hill fast.
  • A sign at a cemetery reads, ‘No Trespassing, Violators Will Face Grave Charges’.
  • Did you hear about the man who jumped off a bridge in France? He was in Sein.
  • Why is being a corpse better than being a zombie? You don’t after to walk around!
  • I would request a last meal of soda and pop rocks so I could die on my own terms.
  • I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
  • A will is a dead giveaway
  • Old hackers never die, they just go to bits.
  • How do you drown a blonde? Put a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the bathtub.
  • What’s the different between a vampire coffin and a corpse coffin? Six feet of dirt!
  • Charles fell into the meat grinder. Now he’s ground Chuck.
  • When Michael Jackson died, all of his songs were played during his funeral and for his commemoration. So what if Mia Khalifa died?
  • Why couldn’t the corpse hold a job? He kept falling to pieces!
  • Old garagemen never die, they just retire.
  • What is the difference between marriage and death? Dead people are free.
  • I'm not saying your perfume is too strong. I'm just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
  • Old investors never die, they just roll over.
  • Old hippies never die, they just smell that way.
  • Why did the grave digger dig up the corpse? To lift dead weight!
  • How is it that I always seem to buy the plants without the will to live?
  • My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline; she hit the roof.
  • An orthodontist was found dead, killed with a hatchet. However, no one was arrested as the death was declared axe-idental.
  • Do zombies like being dead? Of corpse!
  • Why was the corpse stuck in one place? The head stone was pinning him down!
  • When do you know are a corpse? Every where you look is a dark dead end!
  • A streaker was found dead this morning. Police say the details are quite revealing.
  • Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
  • I wanted to be a suicide bomber but I just can’t live like that.
  • Old deans never die, they just lose their faculties.
  • Old cooks never die, they just get deranged.
  • And then there was the guy who stabbed his own mother to death as she slept in her bed. He was charged with ”mattresside”
  • Oxygen is proven to be a toxic gas. Anyone who inhales oxygen will normally dies within 80 years.
  • Old architects never die, they just lose their structures.
  • Old archers never die, they just bow and quiver.
  • What do the call a corpse in this politically correct times? A permanently static post-human mass!
  • Death is not the worst which can happen to men: Plato (After getting friend zoned)
  • Old beekeepers never die, they just buzz off.
  • What is the name of an Asian pilot who died in a plane crash? Sum Ting Wong.
  • My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him.
  • Old limbo dancers never die, they just go under.
  • Old knights in chain mail never die, they just shuffle off their metal coils.
  • According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.
  • Why was the corpse sad? They took him off laugh support!
  • My girlfriend asked me if when I die she could practice necrophilia. I said ”pff over my dead body”.
  • Old laser physicists never die, they just become incoherent.
  • Why don't cannibals eat clowns? They taste funny.
  • Why do you want to be buried at sea? Because my wife says she wants to dance on my corpse!
  • Old chemists never die, they just fail to react.
  • Great quarterbacks never die, they just pass away.
  • What did the driver say to the person they just ran over? Hey corpse how did you get out of your hole!
  • Why are there so many old people in Church? They're cramming for the final.
  • Why do zombies like eating corpses on the battle field? They are covered in mustard gas and pepper spray!
  • Did you hear about the graveyard? People are just dying to get in there.
  • A man was found dead in a vat of falafel condiment. Police are treating it as a hummuscide.
  • Old mechanics never die, they just re-tire.
  • Do pharaoh’s like dressing up as mummies? Of corpse they do!
  • What did the 1000 years old corpse like to drink? Embalming fluid!
  • Old chauffeurs never die, they just lose their drive.
  • Morticians make you feel dead gorgeous.
  • What did the werewolf say to the ugly corpse? You look like a treat!
  • Why did the corpse call the doctor? It had worms!
  • Old horticulturists never die, they just go to pot.
  • Why did the ghost leave the corpse? The accommodation was a little confined!
  • Why did the corpse like Halloween? Everybody thought his costume was life like!
  • How do you know a corpse is angry? It flips its lid! ashes.
  • Old journalists never die, they just get de-pressed.
  • Old colanders never die, they just can’t take the strain anymore.
  • What did the pineapple say to the corpse? Nothing as dead people can’t talk!