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Baby Puns

Because terrible puns are the best kind of puns.


Awesome Baby Puns inspired Greeting Cards

  • What was the policeman’s baby’s first words ? Hallo, Hallo, Hallo !
  • What would you get if you crossed a new-born snake with a basketball? A bouncing baby boa.
  • What did the Pharaohs use to keep their babies quiet? Egyptian dummies.
  • When I hear a baby, I always write down the noises he makes, so later I can ask him what he meant.
  • I hope we get good seats at this shower. Last time, we had to sit in the C section!
  • Mrs Brown: Who was that at the door? Veronica: A lady with a baby in a buggy. Mrs Brown: Tell her to push off. ”
  • What does a baby computer call his father? Data.
  • How can you tell if a snake is a baby snake? It has a rattle.
  • What is a baby: A soft pink thing that makes a lot of noise at one end and has no sense of responsibility at the other.
  • Baby: An inhabitant of Lapland.
  • Any man who hates dogs and babies can’t be all bad.
  • Here's some cake for mom and dad, but the baby will have to order womb service!
  • What do you call a baby monkey? A chimp off the old block
  • Sterilize: What you do to your baby’s first pacifier by boiling it, and to your last baby’s pacifier by blowing on it and wiping it on your shirt.
  • Why shouldn’t you put a baby’s dirty diapers in the laundry bin? You wouldn’t want to hamper his movements!
  • Why did you drop the baby? Well, Mrs Smith said he was a bonny bouncing baby, so I wanted to see if he did.
  • Mum, is it true my baby sister came from Heaven? Yes, that’s right. Well, I don’t blame God for chucking her out.
  • What are baby witches called? Halloweenies.
  • What did the mummy snake say to the crying baby snake? Stop crying and viper your nose.
  • Why did the baby monster put his father in the freezer? Because he wanted frozen pop.
  • Which is the only day you are safe in a cannibal village? Sitterdays (when they eat the baby-sitter instead).
  • Hope to see the baby soon! I bet he's running out of womb!
  • I always wondered why babies spend so much time sucking their thumbs; then I tasted baby food.
  • Did you hear about Mrs Dimwit’s new baby? She thought babies should be pink, so she took this one to the doctor because it was a horrible yeller.
  • How do you get a baby astronaut to sleep? You rock-et.
  • No matter what you colic, a baby crying for hours is a pain!
  • When a baby is learning to eat, shouldn’t he have an L-plate?
  • All babies look like Renee Zellweger pushed against a glass window.
  • No matter how kind the child will be, German children are Kinder.
  • Daddy, daddy, can I have another glass of water, please? But that’s the tenth one I’ve given you tonight! Yes, but the baby’s bedroom is still on fire.
  • My son (who now needs that game) says "Call in the infantry." He has volunteered to draw you a tree with infants in helmets falling out of it.
  • Having a baby is like trying to push a grand piano through a transom.
  • Knock knock. Who’s there? Baby Owl. Baby Owl who? Baby Owl see you later, baby not.
  • Fred: My mum’s having a new baby. Drew: What’s wrong with the old one?
  • When the baby bird penned his first novel he was just a fledgling author.
  • Mum, are the Smiths very poor people? I don’t think so, Jimmy. Why do you ask? Because they made such a fuss when their baby swallowed a coin
  • A distraught mum rushed into the back yard, where eight-year-old Tommy was banging on the bottom of an old upturned tin bath with a poker. “What do you think you re doing?” she demanded. “I m just entertaining the baby,” explained Tommy. “Where is the baby?” asked his Mum. “Under the bath.”
  • What did Baby Corn say to Mother Corn? Where’s Pop Corn?
  • Today I saw a baby who had put on five stone in weight in two weeks by drinking elephant’s milk. Whose baby was it? The elephant s!
  • When those directions on the side of the Pampers box say, ‘holds 6-12 pounds’ they’re not kidding!
  • I see the baby’s nose is running again,” said a worried father. “For goodness sake!” snapped his wife. “Can’t you think of anything other than horse racing?”
  • What did the papa buffalo say the baby buffalo before he went to work? BISON!
  • What did the mama tire and the papa tire name their baby girl tire? Michelle Lynn.
  • Doctor, doctor, my baby’s swallowed a watch! Give it some Epsom Salts: that should help it pass the time.
  • The baby wakes up in the wee wee hours of the morning.
  • I don’t have any children but if I had a baby I would have to name it so I’d buy a “baby naming book” … or I would invite somebody over who had a cast on.
  • Baby: Morning caller, noonday crawler, midnight bawler.
  • It can’t go on! It can’t go on! What can’t go on? This baby’s vest ? it’s too small for me.
  • A woman never wakes up her second baby just to see it smile.
  • Why couldn’t the melons have a baby? Because they cantelope.
  • What did the chimpanzee say when his sister had a baby? Well, I’ll be a monkey’s uncle.
  • A Harvard Medical School study has determined that rectal thermometers are still the best way to tell a baby's temperature; plus, it really teaches the baby who's boss.
  • My new baby is the image of his father. Never mind. just so long as he’s healthy.
  • How did the witch almost lose her baby? She didn’t take it far enough into the woods.
  • Who is bigger – Mrs Bigger or Mrs Bigger’s baby? Mrs Bigger’s baby, because he’s a little Bigger.
  • Life ain’t fair for a baby.
  • Even before the kids are born, you’ve got to make these decisions; if it’s a boy, do we get him circumcised?… if it’s a girl, do we keep her?
  • Would you rather have a baby brother or a baby sister? I d much rather have a jelly baby.
  • Three men were discussing at a bar about coincidences. The first man said, ” my wife was reading a “tale of two cities” and she gave birth to twins” “That’s funny”, the second man remarked, “my wife was reading the three musketeers and she gave birth to triplets” The third man shouted, “Good God, I have to rush home!” When asked what the problem was, he exclaimed, ” When I left the house, my wife was reading Ali baba and the forty Thieves”!!!
  • Do you like your new baby sister? She’s all right. Do you play with her? No, and we can’t even send her back because she’s been here more than 28 days.
  • Families with babies and families without babies are sorry for each other.
  • Why is a baby like an diamond? Because it’s a dear little thing.
  • Did you hear about the witch who had the ugliest baby in the world? She didn’t push the pram – she pulled it.
  • Bet you're excited about childbirth - not to belabor the point.
  • What is a baby bee? A little humbug.
  • Except that right-side-up is best, there is not much to learn about holding a baby.
  • Why are babies always gurgling with joy? Because it’s a nappy time.
  • The failure of the third largest manufacturer of baby’s toys was enough to rattle the entire industry.
  • Mother: Why is there a strange baby in the crib? Daughter: You told me to change the baby.
  • The sun always rises in the baby's bedroom window.
  • Q: How many baby sitters does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, They don’t make Pampers small enough.
  • Why did the vampire baby stop having baby food? He wanted something to get his teeth into.
  • What do baby pythons play with? Rattle-snakes.
  • Did you know babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt?
  • A scoutmaster asked one of his troop what good deed he had done for the day. “Well, Skip,” said the scout, “Mum had only one dose of castor oil left, so I let my baby brother have it.”
  • Out of the mouth of babes… usually when you’ve got your best suit on.
  • How does a baby get food when it’s hungry? Womb service.
  • How do you get a paper baby? Marry an old bag.
  • If I had a baby, I would have to name it so I’d buy a baby naming book… or I would invite somebody over who had a cast on.
  • Knock knock. Who’s there? Underwear. Underwear who? Underwear my baby is tonight?
  • The worst feature of a new baby is its mother’s singing.