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Oakland Raiders Jokes  

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  • Why do the Oakland Raiders want to change their name to the Oakland Tampons? Because they are only good for one period and do not have a second string!
  • What is the difference between a dead Raiders fan lying in the road and a dead 49ers fan lying in the road? There are skid marks in front of the 49ers fan.
  • What's the difference between the Oakland Raiders & the Taliban? The Taliban has a running game!
  • What do the Raiders and the Post Office have in common? Neither deliver on Sundays!
  • What did the Raiders fan say after his team won the Super Bowl? "Dammit mom, why'd you wake me up? I was having an amazing dream!"
  • What should you do if you find three Oakland Raiders football fans buried up to their neck in cement? Get more cement.
  • How are the Raiders like my neighbors? They can't pick up a single yard!
  • What do you call 53 millionaires around a TV watching the Super Bowl? The Oakland Raiders.
  • Why can't Terrell Pryor use the phone anymore? Because he can't find the receiver.
  • Did you hear about the joke that Derek Carr told his receivers? It went over their heads.
  • What does a Oakland Raiders fan and a bottle of beer have in common? They're both empty from the neck up.
  • Why are so many Oakland Raiders players claiming they have the Swine Flu? So They don't have to touch the pigskin!
  • Why is Latavius Murray like a grizzly bear? Every fall he goes into hibernation.
  • What is the difference between a Raiders fan and a baby? The baby will stop whining after awhile.
  • What do you call an Oakland Raider with a Super Bowl ring? A thief.
  • How many Raiders fans does it take to change a light bulb? None they are happy living in the Broncos shadow!
  • Why doesn't Sacramento have a professional football team? Because then Oakland would want one.
  • Why does President Obama want to send Raider ex-QB Jamarcus Russell to Syria? The CIA are convinced Jamarcus is the only American who can overthrow Bashir Assad.
  • What do Raiders fans and laxatives have in common? Both irritate the absolute crap out of you!
  • What do the Oakland Raiders and the mailman have in common? Neither deliver on Sunday.
  • What's the difference between the Oakland Raiders and the Taliban? The Taliban has a running game!
  • How do you stop an Oakland Raiders fan from beating his wife? Dress her in San Diego Blue and Gold!
  • What's the difference between an Oakland Raiders fan and a carp? One is a bottom-feeding, scum sucker, and the other is a fish.
  • How do you keep an Oakland Raider out of your yard? Put up goal posts.
  • How many Oakland Raiders does it take to change a tire? One, unless it’s a blowout, in which case they all show up
  • What did the people of Oakland say to Las Vegas? If you build it we won't come.
  • Why are so many Oakland Raiders players claiming they have the Swine Flu? So They don’t have to touch the pigskin!
  • How many Oakland Raiders fans does it take to change a lightbulb? None. Lava lamps don't burn out man!
  • How many Raiders fans does it take to change a light bulb? None they are happy living in San Francisco's shadow!
  • How do you know the California State Police are seriously enforcing the Speed Limits into Oakland. For the first offense, they give you two Raiders tickets. If you get stopped a second time, they make you use them.
  • What's the best way to teach your dog to roll over and play dead? Have him watch a couple Oakland Raiders games.
  • How do the Oakland Raiders count to ten? 0-1, 0-2, 0-3, 0-4.
  • What do the Oakland Raiders and Billy Graham have in common? They both can make 70,000 people stand up and yell "Jesus Christ".
  • How do you keep an Oakland Raiders out of your yard? Put up goal posts.
  • What is a Oakland Raiders fan's favorite wine? "We can't beat the Broncos!"
  • Want to hear a Raiders joke? Latavius Murray!
  • How do you recognize a Raiders in a department store? He's the one trying to slam the revolving door.
  • What does an Oakland Raiders fan do when his team has won the Super Bowl? He turns off the PlayStation 3.
  • How do the Raiders spend the first week of training camp? Studying the Miranda Rights
  • How do you stop an Oakland Raiders fan from beating his wife? Dress her in a Denver Broncos jersey.
  • What is a Oakland Raiders fan’s favorite whine? “We can’t beat San Diego.”
  • If you have a car containing a Raiders wide receiver, a Raiders linebacker, and a Raiders defensive back, who is driving the car? The cop.
  • What is a Oakland Raiders fan's favorite whine? "We can't beat San Diego."
  • How do you casterate an Oakland Raiders fan? Kick his sister in the mouth
  • What's the difference between the Oakland Raiders and a pinball machine? The pinball machine scores more points.
  • How are the Raiders like my neighbors? They can't pick up a single yard!
  • What’s the difference between the Raiders and cigarettes? Peyton Manning doesn’t smoke cigarettes.
  • What does a Oakland Raiders fan and a bottle of beer have in common? They’re both empty from the neck up.
  • Where do you go in Oakland in case of a tornado? The Coliseum they never get a touchdown there!
  • How do you know the California State Police are seriously enforcing the Speed Limits into Oakland. For the first offense, they give you two Raiders tickets. If you get stopped a second time, they make you use them.
  • What do you call an Oakland Raider in the Super Bowl? A referee.
  • Why do Oakland Raiders fans keep their season tickets on their dashboards? So they can park in handicap spaces.
  • How do you keep a Raiders fan from masterbating? You paint his dick New Orleans gold and he won't beat it for years!
  • What do the Oakland Raiders and Billy Graham have in common? They both can make 70,000 people stand up and yell “Jesus Christ”.
  • Why do ducks fly over the Coliseum upside down? There's nothing worth craping on!
  • How many Oakland Raiders does it take to change a tire? One, unless it's a blowout, in which case they all show up.
  • What's the difference between the Raiders and cigarettes? Peyton Manning doesn't smoke cigarettes
  • How many Oakland Raiders does it take to change a tire? One, unless it's a blowout, in which case they all show up
  • What do the Los Angeles Police Department and the Oakland Raiders have in common? Neither one can stop a Bronco.
  • Did you hear that Oaklands's football team doesn't have a website? They can't string three "Ws" together.
  • Why are Oakland Raiders jokes getting dumber and dumber?? Because Raiders fans have started to make them up themselves.
  • What do the Oakland Raiders and a Chick-Fil-A manager have in common? Neither one shows up for work on Sunday.
  • How did the Oakland Raiders fan die from drinking milk? The cow fell on him!
  • Why can't Derek Carr use the phone anymore? Because he can't find the receiver.
  • What’s the difference between the Oakland Raiders and a dollar bill? You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.
  • What is th difference between a bucket of shit and an Oakland Raiders fan? The bucket.
  • What is the new Raiders official cologne creating a lot of buzz? You wear it and the other guy scores.
  • What does an Oakland Raiders fan do when his team has won the Super Bowl? He turns off the PlayStation
  • What's the difference between Oakland Raiders fans and mosquitoes? Mosquitoes are only annoying in the summer.
  • What do the Oakland Raiders and possums have in common? Both play dead at home and get killed on the road!
  • What did the Raiders fan say after his team won the Super Bowl? “Dammit mom, why’d you wake me up? I was having an amazing dream!”
  • Why can’t Derek Carr use the phone anymore? Because he can’t find the receiver.
  • What's the difference between the Oakland Raiders and a dollar bill? You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.