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New England Patriots Jokes  

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  • Did you hear about the New England Patriots latest trade? They had to give up a first round pick and a felon to be named later!
  • What do you do after winning a Super Bowl? You "Party Like A Gronk Star".
  • If the Patriots offense is not dominant, does that make them unpatriotic?
  • If your favorite quarterback invented the tuck rule, then I'm not going to question why your nursing a Bacardi Breezer.
  • What do the Los Angeles Police Department and the New England Patriots have in common? Neither one can stop a Bronco.
  • I don't know son, we are Patriots fans.
  • Why are New England Patriots jokes getting dumb and dumber? Because Patriots fans have started to make them up themselves.
  • What do you call a TV Show about the New England Patriots?
  • Why can't Tom Brady have any more kids?
  • What happened after a man was arrested for taping Erin Andrews in her hotel room? He was immediately hired by the New England Patriots!
  • Why are so many New England Patriots players claiming they have the Swine Flu? So They don't have to touch the pigskin!
  • Why doesn't Rhode Island have a professional football team? Because then New England would want one.
  • Did you hear that New England's football team doesn't have a website? They can't string three "Ws" together.
  • What do the New England Patriots and Billy Graham have in common? They both can make 70,000 people stand up and yell "Jesus Christ".
  • What is Tom Brady and the Patriots favorite chips? Cheeters!
  • What is the difference between a Patriots fan and a baby? The baby will stop whining after awhile.
  • Why is Patriots player Rodney Harrison perfect for a broadcasting job with NBC? Anyone who has played with Bill Belichick knows a thing or two about being in front of a camera!
  • What's the difference between the New England Patriots and the Taliban? The Taliban has a running game!
  • Why did the Boston Red Sox trade Manny Ramirez? Because if he was anymore high maintenance Tom Brady might consider dating him!
  • What do you call 53 millionaires around a TV watching the Super Bowl? The New England Patriots.
  • What is th difference between a bucket of shit and an New England Patriots fan? The bucket.
  • If you have a car containing a Patriots wide receiver, a Patriots linebacker, and a Patriots defensive back, who is driving the car? The cop.
  • Want to hear a Patriots joke? Danny Amendola!
  • How many Patriots fans does it take to change a light bulb? None they are happy living in the Giants shadow!
  • What does a New England Patriots fan and a bottle of beer have in common? They’re both empty from the neck up.
  • How do you keep the New England Patriots out of your yard? Put up goal posts.
  • Why is Danny Amendola like a grizzly bear? Every fall he goes into hibernation.
  • How many New England Patriots fans does it take to change a lightbulb? None. Lava lamps don't burn out man!
  • What's the best way to teach your dog to roll over and play dead? Have him watch a couple New England Patriots games.
  • How do you recognize a Patriots in a department store? He's the one trying to slam the revolving door.
  • Why do the New England Patriots hate Xbox? There's no cheat button.
  • What is a New England Patriots fan's favorite whine? "We can't beat the Jets."
  • What will happen if Tom Brady can't make the delivery of his first child with Gisele Bundchen? Bill Belichick will tape it!
  • How do you keep a Patriots fan from masterbating? You paint his dick New Orleans gold and he won't beat it for years!
  • Why does Aaron Hernandez resort to murdering people? Because Tim Tebow brings out the worst in everybody.
  • What do Patriots players do to get attention in Boston? Go to a Red Sox game.
  • What do Patriots fans and laxatives have in common? Both irritate the absolute crap out of you!
  • Did you hear about the cereal Bill Belicheat and "Shady" Brady eat before games?
  • What's the similarity between an old man's dick, and the New England Patriots football? They're both deflated and easy to get!
  • Why do New England Patriots fans keep their season tickets on their dashboards? So they can park in handicap spaces.
  • How do you stop a New England Patriots fan from beating his wife? Dress her in New York Gang Green!
  • What do the New England Patriots and a Chick-Fil-A manager have in common? Neither one shows up for work on Sunday.
  • Tom Brady isn't the only one who likes his balls tender.
  • What do the Patriots and the Post Office have in common? Neither deliver on Sundays!
  • How do you casterate an New England Patriots fan? Kick his sister in the mouth
  • What's the difference between a New England Patriots fan and a carp? One is a bottom-feeding, scum sucker, and the other is a fish.
  • What does a New England Patriots fan and a bottle of beer have in common? They're both empty from the neck up.
  • Why are the New England Patriots like Hillary Clinton? Both have Bills to push around.
  • How do the Patriots spend the first week of training camp? Studying the Miranda Rights
  • How are the Patriots like my neighbors? They can't pick up a single yard!
  • Why did the equipment staff for Tom Brady quit? He kept texting them to suck the air out of his balls.
  • What is Tom brady's favorite letter? Sssssssss! (sound of air leaking from a ball)
  • Why is Aaron Hernandez's NFL career over? By the time he gets out of jail he wont have a tight end left.
  • What do the Patriots and the mailman have in common? Neither deliver on Sunday night.
  • Did you hear about Aaron Hernandez? He entered prison as a tight end and became a wide receiver.
  • How did the New England Patriots fan die from drinking milk? The cow fell on him!
  • What do the New England Patriots and possums have in common? Both play dead at home and get killed on the road!
  • Why do Patriots’ Fans wear slip-on shoes? You need an IQ of at least 4 to tie a shoelace.
  • His balls were deflated.
  • What is the name for Giselle & Tom Brady's baby boy? Brady Bundch!
  • What is a New England Patriots fan's favorite wine? "We can't beat Denver cause it's too cold!"
  • What does an New England Patriots fan do when his team has won the Super Bowl? He turns off the PlayStation
  • What's the difference between New England Patriots fans and mosquitoes? Mosquitoes are only annoying in the summer.
  • What's the difference between the Patriots and cigarettes? Eli Manning doesn't smoke cigarettes
  • How many New England Patriots does it take to change a tire? One, unless it's a blowout, in which case they all show up
  • What's the difference between the New England Patriots and a dollar bill? You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.
  • What holds more air then a Patriots football? A plasic bag.
  • How do you stop an New England Patriots fan from beating his wife? Dress her in a Broncos jersey.
  • What's the difference between Patriots fans and a litter of puppies? Eventually, the litter of puppies grows up and stops whining.
  • What should you do if you find three New England Patriots football fans buried up to their neck in cement? Get more cement.