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Houston Texans Jokes  

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  • What's the difference between the Houston Texans and a dollar bill? You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.
  • What's the difference between the Texans and cigarettes? Andrew Luck doesn't smoke cigarettes
  • What do the Texans and the mailman have in common? Neither deliver on Sunday.
  • Why are so many Houston Texans players claiming they have the Swine Flu? So They don't have to touch the pigskin!
  • What do you call 53 millionaires around a TV watching the Super Bowl? The Houston Texans.
  • What do you call a Houston Texan with a Super Bowl ring? A thief.
  • Why are Houston Texans jokes getting dumber and dumber?? Because Texans fans have started to make them up themselves.
  • Why is DeAndre Hopkins like a grizzly bear? Every fall he goes into hibernation.
  • What's the difference between Houston Texans fans and mosquitoes? Mosquitoes are only annoying in the summer.
  • What's the difference between the Houston Texans and the Taliban? The Taliban has a running game!
  • Why do Houston Texans fans keep their season tickets on their dashboards? So they can park in handicap spaces.
  • What do the Houston Texans and a Chick-Fil-A manager have in common? Neither one shows up for work on Sunday.
  • What do the Houston Texans and Billy Graham have in common? They both can make 70,000 people stand up and yell "Jesus Christ".
  • Why do the Houston Texans want to change their name to the Atlanta Tampons? Because they are only good for one period and do not have a second string!
  • What do Texans fans and laxatives have in common? Both irritate the absolute crap out of you!
  • Did you hear about the blonde burglar? He broke into the Houston Texans' trophy room.
  • What does an Houston Texans fan do when his team has won the Super Bowl? He turns off the PlayStation.
  • Why do ducks fly over Reliant stadium upside down? There's nothing worth craping on!
  • What's the best part about dating a Texans fan? She won't be asking for a ring!
  • How do the Texans spend the first week of training camp? Studying the Miranda Rights
  • What does a Houston Texans fan and a bottle of beer have in common? They're both empty from the neck up.
  • I wrote a song about Houstons defense.
  • Why do Texans players keep their Wonderlic results on their dash boards? So they can park in the handicap spaces.
  • What does an Houston Texans fan do when his team has won the Super Bowl? He turns off the PlayStation 3.
  • What's the difference between Texans fans and mosquitoes? Mosquitoes are only annoying in the summer.
  • It's called "Watt me Whip Watt me JJ"
  • Why doesn't El Paso have a professional football team? Because then Houston would want one.
  • How many Houston Texans fans does it take to change a lightbulb? None. Lava lamps don't burn out man!
  • Want to hear a Texans joke? DeAndre Hopkins!
  • Did you hear that Houston's football team doesn't have a website? They can't string three "Ws" together.
  • How did the Houston Texans fan die from drinking milk? The cow fell on him!
  • What do you call an Houston Texan in the Super Bowl? A referee.
  • What do the Texans and the Post Office have in common? Neither deliver on Sundays!
  • What's the difference between the Houston Texans & the Taliban? The Taliban has a running game!
  • What is a Houston Texans cheerleader’s favorite color? Yeller.
  • Where do you go in Houston in case of a tornado? Reliant Stadium - they never get a touchdown there!
  • What do the Houston Texans and possums have in common? Both play dead at home and get killed on the road!
  • How do you stop an Houston Texans fan from beating his wife? Dress her in an Indianapolis Colts White and Blue jersey.
  • What's the difference between the Houston Texans and a pinball machine? The pinball machine scores more points.
  • What is the difference between a Texans fan and a baby? The baby will stop whining after awhile.
  • How do you stop an Houston Texans fan from beating his wife? Dress her in Indianapolis White and Blue!
  • What does a Houston Texans fan and a bottle of beer have in common? They’re both empty from the neck up.
  • How many Texans fans does it take to change a light bulb? None they are happy living in Colts shadow!
  • Why do NFL teams get excited about playing the Houston Texans? It's like having an extra bye week.
  • What's the best way to teach your dog to roll over and play dead? Have him watch a couple Houston Texans games.
  • Why does President Obama want to send Texans QB Ryan Mallett to Syria? The CIA is convinced Ryan is the only American who can overthrow Bashir Assad.
  • Did you hear about the joke that Brock Osweiler told his receivers? It went over their heads.
  • How do you casterate an Houston Texans fan? Kick his sister in the mouth
  • What's the difference between an Houston Texans fan and a carp? One is a bottom-feeding, scum sucker, and the other is a fish.
  • What Does the Houston Texans and the movie "Broke Back Mountain" have in common? They both have Texans that suck!
  • What did the Texans fan say after his team won the Super Bowl? "Dammit mom, why'd you wake me up? I was having an amazing dream!"
  • What should you do if you find three Houston Texans football fans buried up to their neck in cement? Get more cement.
  • How many Texans fans does it take to change a light bulb? None they are happy living in the Titan's shadow!
  • What is a Houston Texans fan's favorite whine? "We can't beat Indianapolis."
  • If you have a car containing a Texans wide receiver, a Texans linebacker, and a Texans defensive back, who is driving the car? The cop.
  • How do you keep an Houston Texans out of your yard? Put up goal posts.
  • How many Houston Texans does it take to change a tire? One, unless it's a blowout, in which case they all show up
  • I put a Ryan Mallett bumper sticker on my car and now it won't start.
  • How many Houston Texans does it take to win a Super Bowl? Nobody knows and we may never find out!
  • What is th difference between a bucket of shit and an Houston Texans fan? The bucket.
  • How do you recognize a Houston Texans player in a department store? He's the one trying to slam the revolving door.
  • Why can't Brock Osweiler use the phone anymore? Because he can't find the receiver.
  • What's the difference between Texans fans and a litter of puppies? Eventually, the litter of puppies grows up and stops whining.
  • How are the Texans like my neighbors? They can't pick up a single yard!
  • How do you keep a Texans fan from masterbating? You paint his dick New Orleans gold and he won't beat it for years!
  • How many Houston Texans does it take to change a tire? One, unless it's a blowout, in which case they all show up.
  • Did you hear Matt Schaub just threw his iPhone in frustration? It was intercepted and then returned for a touchdown.
  • Why doesn't Austin have a professional football team? Because then Houston would want one.
  • How do you know the Texas State Police are seriously enforcing the Speed Limits into Houston. For the first offense, they give you two Houston Texans tickets. If you get stopped a second time, they make you use them.