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Chicago Bears Jokes  

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  • Why can't Jay Cutler use the phone anymore? Because he can't find the receiver.
  • How do you keep a Bears fan from masterbating? You paint his dick New Orleans gold and he won't beat it for years!
  • How do the Bears spend the first week of training camp? Studying the Miranda Rights.
  • What should you do if you find three Chicago Bears football fans buried up to their neck in cement? Get more cement.
  • Why are so many Chicago Bears players claiming they have the Swine Flu? So They don't have to touch the pigskin!
  • What is th difference between a bucket of shit and an Chicago Bears fan? The bucket.
  • How do you keep bears away from your campsite? Put up goal posts.
  • Did you hear about the joke that Jay Cutler told his receivers? It went over their heads.
  • How many Chicago Bears fans does it take to change a lightbulb? None. Lava lamps don't burn out man!
  • Why does West Africa have Ebola and Chicago has the Bears? West Africa had first choice.
  • What do you call 53 millionaires around a TV watching the Super Bowl? The Chicago Bears.
  • Why doesn't Springfield have a professional football team? Because then Chicago would want one.
  • Why is Jay Cutler like a grizzly bear? Every fall he goes into hibernation.
  • How did the Chicago Bears fan die from drinking milk? The cow fell on him!
  • How can you tell when the Chicago Bears are going to run the football? Matt Forte leaves the huddle with tears in his eyes!
  • How do you keep an Chicago Bears out of your yard? Put up goal posts.
  • What's the difference between Marty Mcfly and the Chicago bears fans? At least Marty stops going back to 1985
  • What's the difference between the Chicago Bears & the Taliban? The Taliban has a running game!
  • What did the Bears fan do when he was given a pink slip? He put it on!
  • What does a Chicago Bears fan and a bottle of beer have in common? They’re both empty from the neck up.
  • Want to hear a Bears joke? Jay Cutler!
  • How many Chicago Bears does it take to change a tire? One, unless it's a blowout, in which case they all show up.
  • Did you hear the one about Two Bears fans walking past a bar? Hey, it could happen.
  • How do you know the Illinois State Police are seriously enforcing the Speed Limits into Chicago. For the first offense, they give you two Chicago Bears tickets. If you get stopped a second time, they make you use them.
  • What do the Chicago Bears and Billy Graham have in common? They both can make 70,000 people stand up and yell "Jesus Christ".
  • What's the best way to teach your dog to roll over and play dead? Have him watch a couple Chicago Bears games.
  • Where do you go in Chicago in case of a tornado? Soldier Field they never get a touchdown there!
  • What do you call an Chicago Bear with a Super Bowl ring? A thief.
  • Why are the Chicago Bears like a tampon? They're only good for one period and have no second string.
  • What does a Chicago Bears fan and a bottle of beer have in common? They're both empty from the neck up.
  • What do the Bears and the Post Office have in common? Neither deliver on Sundays!
  • What's the difference between Chicago Bears fans and mosquitoes? Mosquitoes are only annoying in the summer.
  • How are the Bears like my neighbors? They can't pick up a single yard!
  • How do you stop an Chicago Bears fan from beating his wife? Dress her in Packers Green and Yellow!
  • Why are Chicago Bears jokes getting dumber and dumber?? Because Bears fans have started to make them up themselves.
  • Why do ducks fly over Soldier Field upside down? There's nothing worth craping on!
  • What's the difference between the Chicago Bears and a dollar bill? You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.
  • What's the difference between an Chicago Bears fan and a carp? One is a bottom-feeding, scum sucker, and the other is a fish.
  • Why did the Bears fan grow a mustache? So he could look like his mother.
  • What is the difference between a dead skunk in the middle of the road and a dead Bears fan in the middle of the road? There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
  • If you have a car containing a Bears wide receiver, a Bears linebacker, and a Bears defensive back, who is driving the car? The cop.
  • What happened after the Chicago Bears released Muhsin Muhammed? George W Bush thanked the team for rooting out Terrorism!
  • What do the Chicago Bears and possums have in common? Both play dead at home and get killed on the road!
  • Did you hear that Chicago's football team doesn't have a website? They can't string three "Ws" together.
  • How do you casterate an Chicago Bears fan? Kick his sister in the mouth
  • Why was Ron Turner fuming mad when the Bears playbook was stolen? Because he hadn't finished coloring it!
  • How do you become the coach of the Chicago Bears? Be sly as a Fox.
  • Why do Chicago Bears fans keep their season tickets on their dashboards? So they can park in handicap spaces.
  • How hard did the Chicago Bears hit Brett Favre before he left the game with a concussion? So hard he sent a girl a picture of himself with his pants on!
  • What do you call an Chicago Bear in the Super Bowl? A referee.
  • How do the Bears spend the first week of training camp? Studying the Miranda Rights
  • How many Bears fans does it take to change a light bulb? None they are happy living in Green Bay's shadow!
  • Why is Jay Cutler like a grizzly bear? Every fall he goes into hibernation.
  • How many Chicago Bears does it take to change a tire? One, unless it's a blowout, in which case they all show up
  • What are the best things about Chicago? The airport and the interstate highway system, because they help you leave there.
  • How many Chicago Bears does it take to win a Super Bowl? Only one, Walter Payton, and he's retired.
  • What's the difference between the Chicago Bears and a pinball machine? The pinball machine scores more points.
  • What does an Chicago Bears fan do when his team has won the Super Bowl? He turns off the PlayStation 3.
  • What do the Chicago Bears and the mailman have in common? Neither deliver on Sunday.
  • What's the difference between Bears fans and a litter of puppies? Eventually, the litter of puppies grows up and stops whining.
  • Why are the Bears happy to have Jay Cutler as their QB? Because they were running out of Rex Grossman effigies!
  • What did the Bears fan say after his team won the Super Bowl? "Dammit mom, why'd you wake me up? I was having an amazing dream!"
  • If you have a car containing a Bears running back, a Bears linebacker, and a Bears defensive back, who is driving the car? The cop.
  • What is the difference between a Bears fan and a baby? The baby will stop whining after awhile.
  • What do the Bears call the 2 Minute Drill? Peanut Cutler Jeffery Time.
  • How do you stop an Chicago Bears fan from beating his wife? Dress her in Packers Green and Gold!
  • How do you know the Illinois State Police are seriously enforcing the Speed Limits into Chicago. For the first offense, they give you two Chicago Bears tickets. If you get stopped a second time, they make you use them.
  • Why do the Chicago Bears want to change their name to the Chicago Tampons? Because they are only good for one period and do not have a second string!
  • What does BEARS stand for? Been Enduring A Rebuilding Season.
  • What do the Chicago Bears and a Chick-Fil-A manager have in common? Neither one shows up for work on Sunday.
  • What is a Chicago Bears fan's favorite whine? "We can't beat Green Bay."