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St. Patrick's Day Jokes

Funny St. Patrick's Day jokes. Enjoy these hillarious jokes on St. Patrick's Day, and share them with a friend.


My kids totally love St. Patrick's Day Jokes pages.



'O'Toole and his wife are in bed one night and they hear the neighbour's dog is barking its head off in the garden. Somewhat disturbed by the noise, O'Toole explodes, 'Botheration and that!' and storms off downstairs. He comes back upstairs five minutes later and his wife asks, 'What did you do, O'Toole?' O'Toole replies with a wide grin, 'I've put the dog in our garden so I did, now let's see how they like it.'

What type of bow cannot be tied? - A rainbow.

Why did the elephant wear green sneakers? - Her red ones were in the wash!

How is a best friend like a 4-leaf clover?
Because they are hard to find and lucky to have.

What do ghosts drink on St Patricks Day?
BOOs

Why wasn't Jesus born in Ireland?
He couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.

How do you blind an Irish woman?
You put a bottle of scotch in front of her.

What do you call a diseased criminal? - A leper-con!

Where can you always find gold? - In the dictionary!

What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a four-leaf clover? - A rash of good luck.

What did the leprechaun do for a living? - He was a short-order cook!

What do you call a clumsy Irish dance? - A jig mistake!

Donncha is shocked at finding out all his cows are suffering from "Bluetongue." 'Bejabbers,' Donncha murmurs, 'I didn't even know they had mobile phones.'

Gallagher is in Boston and he is waiting patiently, also, he is watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stops the flow of traffic and shouts, 'Okay pedestrians'. Then he allows the traffic to pass. He did this several times, and Gallagher is still standing on the sidewalk. After the cop has shouted 'Pedestrians' for the tenth time, Gallagher approaches him and says, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'

'Why do you Irish always answer a question with a question?' asked President Franklin D. Roosevelt. 'Do we now?' came New York Mayor Al Smith's reply.

'Ah, that was a lovely dress,' announced Colleen, 'and it would have fitted me if I could have got into it, so it would.'

Why did St. Patrick drive all the snakes out of Ireland? - Because he couldn’t afford the airfare!

What do you call a clumsy Irish dance? - A jig mistake!

What do you get if you cross poison ivy with a four leaf clover? - A rash of good luck!

What is a nuahcerpel? - Leprechaun spelled backwards!

What do you call a leprechaun who goes to jail? - A lepre-con!

What position does a leprechaun play on a baseball team? - Shortstop!

What job does a leprechaun have at a restaurant? - A short-order cook!

Why can’t you borrow money from a leprechaun? - Because they ‘re always a little short!

What does Ireland have a lot of? - Irishmen!

What happens when a leprechaun falls into a river? - He gets wet!

What is out on the lawn all summer and is Irish? - Paddy O'Furniture

What do you call a fake stone in Ireland? - A sham rock.

Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day? - Regular rocks are too heavy.

Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun? - Because they're always a little short.

How did the Irish Jig get started? - Too much to drink and not enough restrooms!

Why do leprechauns have pots o'gold? - They like to "go" first class!

How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time? - He's Dublin over with laughter!

What would you get if you crossed Quasimodo with an Irish football player? - The Halfback of Notre Dame!

What would you get if you crossed Christmas with St. Patrick's Day? - St. O'Claus!

What does it mean when you find a horseshoe? - Some poor horse is going barefoot!

Do leprechauns make good secretaries? - Sure, they're great at shorthand!

What do leprechauns love to barbecue? - Short ribs!

Why did the leprechaun stand on the potato? - To keep from falling in the stew!

How did the leprechaun beat the Irishman to the pot of gold? - He took a shortcut!

What does a leprechaun call a happy man wearing green? - A Jolly Green Giant

When is an Irish Potato not an Irish Potato? - When it's a FRENCH fry!

Why are leprechauns so hard to get along with? - Because they're very short-tempered!

Why do frogs like St. Patrick's Day? - Because they're always wearing green

Why do leprechauns hide behind 4-leafclovers and not 3-leafclovers? - They need all the luck they can get!

What happens when a leprechaun falls into a river? - He gets wet!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Irish!
Irish Who?
Irish you a happy St. Patrick's Day!

Reilly is walking through a graveyard when he comes across a headstone with the inscription "Here lies a politician and an honest man." 'Faith now,' exclaims Reilly, 'I wonder how they got the two of them in one grave.

Why did St. Patrick drive all the snakes out of Ireland? - He couldn't afford plane fare.

Why can't you iron a four-leaf clover? - Because you shouldn't press your luck!

What is a nuahcerpel? - Leprechaun spelled backwards!

What do you get when you do the Irish jig at McDonalds? - A Shamrock Shake.

What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a four-leaf clover?
A rash of good luck.

Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun?
Because they're always a little short.

Why don't you iron 4-Leaf clovers?
Because you don't want to press your luck.

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Irish!
Irish Who?
Irish you a happy St. Patrick's Day!

How did the leprechaun beat the Irishman to the pot of gold? - He took a short cut!

Where can you always find gold? - In the dictionary!

How did the leprechaun beat the Irishman to the pot of gold?
He took a shortcut!

What is Irish diplomacy?
It's the ability to tell a man to go to hell. So that he will look forward to making the trip

What do leprechauns love to barbecue?
Short ribs!

Why are leprechauns so hard to get along with?
Because they're very short-tempered!

"I married an Irishman on St. Patrick's Day."
"Oh, really?"
"No, O'Reilly!"

What kind of bow can’t be tied? - A rainbow!

Why do frogs like St. Patrick’s Day? - Because they’re always wearing green!

What do you call a fake stone in Ireland? - A Sham-rock!

I went out drinking on St Patricks Day, so I took a bus home...That may not be a big deal to you, but I've never driven a bus before.

What's Irish and stays out all night?
Paddy O'furniture!

How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time?
He's Dublin over with laughter!

What do you get when you cross a pillowcase with a stone?
A sham rock

Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
Regular rocks are too heavy.

How did the Irish Jig get started?
Too much to drink and not enough restrooms!

Why doesn't Simon Cowell drink on St Patricks Day?
It interferes with his suffering!

Why did God invent Jameson whiskey?
So the Irish would never rule the world.

What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control his wife?
A bachelor.

What's the main difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?
1 less drunk at the party

Why don't women want to get engaged on St Patricks Day?
'Cause they don't want to get a "sham rock".

What would you get if you crossed Christmas with St. Patrick's Day?
St. O'Claus!

Are people jealous of the Irish?
Sure, they're green with envy!

What would you get if you crossed Quasimodo with an Irish football player?
The Halfback of Notre Dame!

Why did the leprechaun stand on the potato?
To keep from falling in the stew!

How do you start the St Patricks Day parade in the ghetto?
Roll a 40 down the street!

What's a leprechaun's favorite kind of music?
Sham-rock and roll.

Do leprechauns make good secretaries?
Sure, they're great at shorthand!

What's long & green & has a low I.Q.?
a St. Patrick's Day Parade

Finnegan sells Michael a donkey, some weeks later they met in a pub in Killarney and Michael says, 'Hey, Finnegan, that donkey you sold me went and died.' Finnegan just sips his Guinness slowly and retorts, 'Bejabbers, Michael, it never done that on me.'

Murphy lost a hundred dollars on the Melbourne Cup, a famous Australian horserace. He also lost another hundred on the television replay.

Kieran O'Connor always slept with his gun under his pillow. Hearing a noise at the foot of the bed, he shot off his big toe. 'Thank the Lord I wasn't sleeping at the other end of the bed,' Kieran said to his friends in Donegal's pub. 'I would have blown my head off.'

O'Gara was arrested and sent for trial for armed bank robbery. After due deliberation, the jury foreman stood up and announced, 'Not guilty.' 'That's grand,' shouted O'Gara, 'Does that mean I get to keep the money?'

What do you call a Cubic Zirconia in Ireland?
A sham rock

Why do frogs like St. Patrick's Day?
Because they're always wearing green

How did the Irish Jig get started?
Too much to drink and not enough restrooms!

Do leprechauns get angry when you make fun of them? - Yes, but only a little!

Why would you never iron a four-leaf clover? - Because you shouldn’t press your luck!

When is an Irish potato not an Irish potato? - When he is a french fry!

Why did the leprechaun cross the road? - To get to the pot of gold!

Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick’s Day? - Because real rocks are too heavy!

What happens when you find a horseshoe? - Some horse is barefoot!

What did the Irish ghost say to the other Irish ghost? - Top O’ the moaning to you!

When is an Irish Potato not an Irish Potato?
When it's a FRENCH fry!

What does it mean when you find a horseshoe?
Some poor horse is going barefoot!

Why did the elephant wear his green sneakers instead of his red ones?
The red ones were in the wash!

Why is a river rich?
Because it has two banks

What does a leprechaun call a happy man wearing green?
A Jolly Green Giant

Why do leprechauns hide behind 4-leafclovers and not 3-leafclovers?
They need all the luck they can get!

What happens when a leprechaun falls into a river?
He gets wet!

What do perverted leprechauns drink on St. Patrick's Day Jokes Day?
Mount & Do

What do you call a diseased Irish criminal?
A leper con

"I named my pee-pee 'Guinness'
Ye can see 'e's 'angin' out.
And when 'e saw ye with 'is eye
'e went from pale to stout!"

Touch my Lucky Charms & I will choke your little Leprechaun

Drink green beer on St Patricks Day! It counts as a vegetable!

If you thought Valentine's Day was for all the kissing? You haven't met an Irish Women yet!

Why do leprechauns have pots o'gold?
They like to "go" first class!

How does every Irish joke start?
By looking over your shoulder.

What do they call the Irish jig at McDonalds?
A Shamrock Shake

What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four girlfriends drinking on St Patricks Day!

My wife made me a green hamburger today to celebrate St Patricks Day. I asked her how she colored it and she said she didn't know what I was talkin about.

Never iron a four lover because you don't want to press your luck.

If you live with younger siblings at home, wearing green on St. Patrick's Day is crucial for survival.

Raise your hand if you are 1% Irish today.

"There is more friendship in a half pint of whiskey than in a churn of buttermilk."

If you're lucky enough to be Irish... you're lucky enough!

What do bullshitters like most about St. Patrick's Day Jokes day?
the BLARNEY stone!

Why do leprechauns giggle when they play soccer?
Cause the grass tickles their balls

Why did St. Patrick drive all the snakes out of Ireland?
He couldn't afford plane fare

What do the Irish dream about?
Celebrating St. Patrick's Day with his gang of leprechauns.

Have you ever heard of the 6-leaf clover?
I haven't either!

I'm not going to wear green today, but I am wearing blue pants and a yellow shirt, so pretty much the same thing.

I might only be 25% Irish, but on St Patrick Days I will be 100% drunk.