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One Liner Jokes

Here are the funniest One Liner Jokes of the year.


Here are one liner jokes. My daughter loves these.

  • You have the right to remain silent, anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you. 
  • This morning on the way to work I drove into the back of a car, at some lights, whilst not really paying attention.
  • I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. 
  • You chatter more than a dolphin by a fish bucket. 
  • Is there another word for synonym? 
  • I'm finally working a sleep shift, my dream job. .
  • If a thing is worth doing, it would have been done already. 
  • What do you call a guy who's born in Columbus, grows up in Cleveland, and then dies in Cincinnati? 
  • When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way. 
  • An apple a day keeps anyone away, If you throw it hard enough . . .
  • I'm busier than a one-toothed man in a corn-on-the-cob eating contest. 
  • What's green and loud?
  • Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough. 
  • Save the whales: collect the whole set . 
  • If at first you don't succeed, redefine success. 
  • The meek shall inherit the earth - after we're through with it. 
  • What bone will a dog never eat?
  • If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes? 
  • A kiss makes my whole day, anal makes my hole weak. 
  • Catch it in the Winter!
  • Auctioneers are proof that white guys could rap if they try hard enough.
  • Tyrannosaurus Tex.
  • Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims? 
  • Remember: First you pillage then you burn. 
  • Can we ever really know when our philosophy assignment is due? 
  • If Helen Keller had ESP, would you say she had a fourth sense? 
  • What do you call a dinosaur that wears a cowboy hat and boots?
  • Kickass this if you think there should be a favorites section so we can laugh at our favorite jokes anytime.
  • What do you do when your chair breaks? 
  • I had amnesia once - maybe twice. 
  • Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned. 
  • Where do fortune tellers dance?
  • Wet feet.
  • Hard work pays off in the future, but laziness pays off now. 
  • I don't want buns of steel. I want buns of cinnamon. 
  • Mother: I don't know, ask your grandmother.
  • A red carnation.
  • Gargling is a good way to see if your throat leaks. 
  • The owner got tired of the (w)hole business!
  • I think I'm coming down with something!
  • All true wisdom is found on T-shirts. 
  • It's time to go to sweep.
  • How does a pig go to hospital? 
  • Contents may have settled out of court. 
  • I'm busier than a one-legged Riverdancer. 
  • Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of. 
  • The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes. 
  • No one is listening until you make a mistake. 
  • Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. 
  • Here I am! What are your other two wishes? 
  • Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. 
  • A liberal is just a conservative that hasn't been mugged yet. (thanks to Paul) 
  • Jesus is coming, so look busy. 
  • Can vegetarians eat animal crackers? 
  • Daughter: Mommy, what's it like to have the most awesome daughter in the world ?
  • I bet you I could stop gambling. 
  • One goldfish says to the other, "If there's no God, who changes our water every week?" (thanks to Warren) 
  • A trombone.
  • The best contraceptive for old people is nudity. 
  • If at first you don't succeed, try left field. 
  • The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. 
  • All I ask is a chance to prove money can't make me happy. 
  • Your dog has stockholm syndrome. 
  • Imitation is not the sincerest form of flattery. Stalking is. 
  • It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. 
  • Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants. 
  • How much can I get away with and still go to heaven? 
  • Two wrongs are only the beginning. 
  • Under my gruff exterior lies an even gruffer interior. 
  • I walked into the bedroom and tripped on the wife's Bra. It was a booby trap
  • What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer? 
  • If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and drycleaners depressed? 
  • Do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections? 
  • Somebody who knows how will always have a job. Working for someone who knows why. 
  • I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial. 
  • Is it true that cannibals won't eat clowns because they taste funny? 
  • Have you ever had camping sex? It's in tents. 
  • Wear a watch and you'll always know what time it is. Wear two watches and you'll never be sure. 
  • We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse. 
  • Some people have skeletons in their closet. I have a whole graveyard! (thanks to Shane Keating) 
  • If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes"? 
  • If you see a girl in a seashell bra and hold one of the seashells up to your ear, you can hear her scream. 
  • I just got lost in thought, and it was unfamiliar territory. 
  • What clothes does a house wear?
  • What country makes you shiver?
  • Sommeliers are really winey. 
  • Take everything in moderation. Including moderation. 
  • What happens when frogs park illegally?
  • The statement following is true. The statement prior is false. 
  • I'm one bad relationship away from having 30 cats. 
  • Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life. 
  • Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all? 
  • What did one elevator say to the other? 
  • Have you been to Wal-Mart lately? You have to be 300 pounds to get the automatic doors to open.
  • I find you very attractive.
  • Beauty comes in all shapes & sizes. Small, large, circle, square, thin crust, thick crust, stuffed crust, extra toppings...
  • What do you call a country where everyone has to drive a pink car?
  • Check out: These drawings tell us a lot about children’s attitudes to technology
  • What has a lot of keys but can not open any doors?
  • If you can't convince them, confuse them. 
  • Everyone loves kids! I just ate three! 
  • My iPhone battery dies quicker than a black guy in a scary movie.
  • Some people are Alpha dogs, I'm more of a Betta fish. 
  • I intend to live forever - so far so good. 
  • Those that forget the pasta are doomed to reheat it. 
  • What is a tree's favorite drink?
  • Man cannot live by bread alone, unless he's locked in a cage and that's all you feed him. 
  • How do we know the Indians were the first people in North America?
  • Two wrongs do not make a right, but three lefts do. 
  • So a rock flew out of a dump truck on the highway today..... 
  • The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. 
  • Forgive and forget, but keep a list of names just in case. 
  • Why were the teacher's eyes crossed?
  • Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it. 
  • Sleep somewhere else.
  • If #2 pencils are the most popular, are they still #2? 
  • What happens if you get scared half to death twice? 
  • I think the Japanese flag is really a pie chart of how afraid they are of Godzilla.
  • Don’t miss: This video is depressing, but reminds us that Facebook statuses can be lies
  • A vicious circle.
  • It's not who you know, it's whom you know. 
  • Death to all fanatics! 
  • Steal its chair.
  • The same thing Arkansas.
  • Smokers are just like everybody else. Just not as long. 
  • If your feet smell and your nose runs, you're built upside down. 
  • They call it PMS because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken. 
  • Sacred cows make the best hamburgers. 
  • To err is human. To forgive is against company policy. 
  • What did one magnet say to the other?
  • I am. is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I Do" is the longest sentence? 
  • The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up. 
  • Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have. 
  • Which one of these is the non-smoking lifeboat? 
  • Why do bankruptcy lawyers expect to be paid? 
  • What did the rug say to the floor?
  • Never go to bed angry, stay awake and plot your revenge. 
  • Two rights do not make a wrong, they make an airplane. 
  • I like my men like I like my coffee. Ground up and in the freezer. 
  • If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments. 
  • Some days it's not worth chewing through the straps. 
  • Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains? 
  • How can you get four suits for a dollar?
  • Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it? 
  • Gun Control: Use both hands. 
  • I wondered why the ball was getting bigger! Then it hit me.
  • Can a blind person feel blue? 
  • Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 
  • Lazy People Fact #5812672793
  • Confession is good for the soul but bad for your career. 
  • view more: next ›
  • What's gray, eats fish, and lives in Washington, D.C.? 
  • Always try to be modest and be proud of it! 
  • Bugs Bunny.
  • Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career. 
  • What do you call the best butter on the farm?
  • Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with. 
  • Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in. 
  • My wild oats have turned to shredded wheat! 
  • Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you. 
  • What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a 4-leaf clover? 
  • Whoever said technology would replace all paper obviously hasn't tried wiping their but with an IPad.
  • The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread. 
  • What do you call a pig that does karate?
  • We have enough youth: how about a fountain of "smart"? 
  • I replied, "Well, which one are you then?"
  • I can't get enough minimalism. (thanks to Mark) 
  • Sometimes I use big word that I don't understand so I can sound more photosynthesis. 
  • What do you call a calf after it's six months old?
  • If a parsley farmer is sued do they garnish his wages? 
  • He has a problem with speed bumps, but He's slowly getting over it. 
  • What do you call a country where everyone has to drive a red car?
  • The affect of bad grammar can effect my mood. 
  • Why did the doughnut shop close?
  • Feminism is a broad issue. 
  • A pork chop.
  • If evolution is fact, why do mothers only have two hands? 
  • Half the people in the world are below average. 
  • How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on. 
  • Dead.
  • asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
  • I have not yet begun to procrastinate. 
  • I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative. (thanks to Jeff Dudley) 
  • The word "Boob" is the Perfect word. The B looks like a top view of them, the 2 Os look like a front view, and the b looks like a side view. perfectly engineered!
  • A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance. 
  • Ask to see my tattoo of a rose, but don't ask outside. I'm constantly bothered by bees. 
  • If you really love someone, throw the ball and say "Fetch!" (thanks to Karthik Narayan) 
  • To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles. 
  • I'll admit, I'm a hypocrite, but I'll never contradict myself. 
  • There is no "I" in "Team", but there are four in "Platitude-Quoting Idiot". 
  • Jesus loves you, it's everybody else that thinks you're an ass. 
  • If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong? 
  • I was busier than a beaver in a coffee lake. 
  • A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up a thousand times the memory. 
  • Lord, if I can't be skinny, please let all my friends be fat. 
  • Be nice to your kids: they'll choose your nursing home. 
  • I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" 
  • What do you get if you cross an elephant and a kangaroo? 
  • A milk truck.
  • Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 
  • What's round and bad-tempered? 
  • If a man with no arms has a gun, is he armed? 
  • What has 6 eyes but can't see?
  • Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team?
  • What would the country be called if everyone in it lived in their cars? 
  • So what is the scoop on this Blue Bell recall? 
  • Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun. 
  • Birthdays are good for you - the more you have the longer you live. 
  • How do you prevent a Summer cold? 
  • Capital punishment isn't for making examples, it's for making bad people dead. 
  • Her New Jersey.
  • Time is just nature's way to keep everything from happening at once. 
  • If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? 
  • How do you make an egg laugh?
  • Am I ambivalent? Well, yes and no. 
  • It's hard to be a glass half full kind of guy when you're trying to become a professional beer chugger. 
  • Failure is not an option. It's bundled with your software. 
  • Isn't it scary that doctors call what they do "practice"? 
  • Schizophrenia beats being alone. 
  • Time is a great healer, but a terrible beautician. 
  • When at the window at the unemployment office, loudly say, "I didn't get to where I am today by listening to people like you!" (thanks to Adam Cochran) 
  • Police Station toilet stolen: cops have nothing to go on. 
  • Well, paint me purple and call me Barney. 
  • What kind of ties can't you wear?
  • He was hairier than Chewbacca dipped in Rogaine. 
  • Every time I take off my shoes, they leave me feeling defeated. 
  • Buy a deck of cards. How do dinosaurs pay their bills?
  • As I watched the dog chasing his tail, I thought "Dogs are easily amused." Them I realized I was watching the dog chase his tail.
  • Do Roman paramedics refer to IVs as "4s"? 
  • Strip mining prevents forest fires. 
  • Losing a husband can be hard: in my case it was almost impossible. 
  • Whoever said nothing is impossible is a liar. I've been doing nothing for years.
  • What do you call a dinosaur that smashes everything in its path?
  • If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms. 
  • A rave is a really bad place to find out you are epileptic 
  • Quick lets build a time machine. 
  • Is a shell-less turtle homeless or just naked? 
  • Originality is the art of concealing your sources. 
  • If you're riding ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there. 
  • Money isn't everything but it sure keeps the kids in touch. 
  • For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism. 
  • I like my women like I like my coffee. Cold and bitter. 
  • The problem with sex in the movies is the popcorn usually spills. 
  • Chastity is curable, if detected early. 
  • There are two rules for success: 1.) Don't tell all you know. 
  • Ain't it funny how the colors red, white, and blue represent freedom until they are flashing behind your car.
  • Most nudists are people you don't want to see naked. 
  • Is Marx's tomb a communist plot? 
  • She ran away from the ball.
  • Tell it a yolk.
  • I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it. 
  • He took them to a pignic.
  • When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny? 
  • All power corrupts. Absolute power is pretty neat, though. 
  • If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you see perfectly? 
  • I think I'm agnostic, but I haven't decided. (thanks to Pete DeHaas) 
  • What kind of cats like to go bowling?
  • My wife said she wanted to have sex in the backseat, and she wanted me to drive. 
  • Call a chairman.
  • I don't have a solution, but I do admire the problem. 
  • The Church Lady is a lisp away from being a Scientologist. 
  • You were too lazy to read that number.
  • If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. 
  • Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener. 
  • A rash of good luck.
  • I don't always get asked out on a date. But when I do... It's on April 1st.
  • What kind of eggs does a wicked chicken lay?
  • I'd kill for a Nobel Peace prize. 
  • He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead. 
  • Teach a child to be polite and courteous, and when he grows up, he'll never be able to edge his car onto a freeway. 
  • I'm glad I know sign language, it's pretty handy. 
  • If you think you're a person of some influence, try ordering somebody else's dog around. 
  • I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes. 
  • What is the best thing to do if you find a gorilla in your bed?
  • My dog is a son of a bitch. 
  • Follow your dreams, except for that one where you're naked at work. 
  • When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say? 
  • I used to be a lifeguard, but some blue kid got me fired. 
  • Kickass this if your bored and you went on a joke website.
  • He was more tense than Jesse Jackson on Father's Day. 
  • Do ten millipedes equal one centipede? (thanks to Warren) 
  • What do you call a song sung in an automobile?
  • You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes, and you will learn a lot today. 
  • I was happier than a kitten with a Q-tip. 
  • His powder puff is on the wrong end.
  • I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe. 
  • What did Tennessee?
  • If at first you don't succeed, redefine success. 
  • He was deader than a shrunken head at a Hackey Sack festival. 
  • I live in California, and my watch is three hours fast, I can't fix it, so I'm moving to New York. 
  • They should put prizes in tampon boxes. Like yeah your period sucks, but here's 50% off ice cream.
  • In an argument, a woman always has the last word. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. 
  • Change is inevitable except from vending machines. 
  • What has one horn and gives milk?
  • Professional construction has its pros and cons. 
  • Would a wingless fly be called a walk? 
  • Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow. 
  • I was only looking at your nametag, honest! 
  • I'm more frustrated than a pervert with palsy trying to draw a pair of boobs on an etch-a-sketch. 
  • They get toad.
  • That guy is so old he shops at EXTREMELY Old Navy. 
  • What lies on its back, one hundred feet in the air?
  • Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long. 
  • How do you make a hot dog stand?
  • Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge to market reproductive organs. 
  • You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. 
  • You go on ahead. I'll hang around for a while.
  • A thing not worth doing isn't worth doing well. 
  • Do not follow, for I may not lead. Do not lead, for I may not follow. Just go over there somewhere, please? 
  • The driver got out and he was a dwarf.
  • A piano.
  • With Tyrannosaurus checks.
  • Don't move, I've got you covered.
  • I wondered why the Frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me. 
  • I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. 
  • I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was, she said if she told me it would defeat the purpose. 
  • A hangover is the wrath of grapes. 
  • The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it. 
  • Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic. 
  • Ham and Eggs - A day's work for a chicken; a lifetime commitment for a pig. 
  • What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread? 
  • Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. 
  • Is reading in the bathroom considered multi-tasking? 
  • One day while in a bank, an old lady asked if i could help her check her balance... so i pushed her over
  • A pink car-nation.
  • Treat each day as your last; one day you will be right. 
  • They had reservations.
  • Everybody repeat after me: "We are all individuals." 
  • The trouble with life is there's no background music. 
  • Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
  • What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant? 
  • You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. 
  • If I got a penny for everyone I've met who is as beautiful as you, I'd have all the money in the world. (thanks to Skyler Stalin) 
  • What do bees do with their honey?
  • She couldn't control her pupils.
  • In a hambulance.
  • Silverware.
  • The Dark Ages was caused by the Y1K problem. 
  • What did Delaware?
  • The colder the x-ray table the more of your body is required on it. 
  • If a long dress is evening wear, what is a suit of armor?
  • Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch. 
  • Why does the Easter Bunny have a shiny nose?
  • My mind is like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states. 
  • He said, "I'm not happy."
  • They cell it.
  • What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
  • Once we had Clinton, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope. Now we have Bush, no Cash and no Hope. 
  • I was more nervous than a ceiling fan storeowner with a comb-over. 
  • What did the necktie say to the hat?
  • What do you get when you cross a stream and a brook?
  • What do you get if you cross an insect with the Easter rabbit?
  • The Presidential Seal.
  • What bird can lift the most?
  • Railroad ties.
  • Where did the farmer take the pigs on Saturday afternoon?
  • When blondes have more fun, do they know it? 
  • Big holes all over Australia!
  • Heck is where people go who don't believe in Gosh. 
  • Don't get married, find a woman you hate and buy her a house. It's a lot easier on you. 
  • At the crystal ball.
  • If you think there is good in everybody then you obviously haven't met everybody. 
  • Seven months old.
  • An in-car-nation.
  • If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap? 
  • Marriage is not a word. It's a sentence. 
  • George Bush has been working hard, 24 / 7 - 24 hours a week, 7 months a year. 
  • Me and my recliner - we go WAY back. 
  • Success always occurs in private and failure in full view. 
  • I got some new underwear yesterday. Well, it was new to me. 
  • Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long. 
  • What can you hold without ever touching it?
  • To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. 
  • If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is it considered a hostage situation? 
  • The last thing I want to do is insult you. But it IS on the list. 
  • When blondes have more fun do they know it?