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5/16/2005
5/10/2005 Instead of "Women Tell All," I think this episode should have been called, "Women Tell Sara W. to Shut the Hell Up." Someone needed to sew her lips shut. She's going to hit China with all that digging. Get it? Digging a hole to China? Whatever. What's with the so-called dating rotation? She goes on five dates a week with different guys? Of all the dates I've been on, I'd say about 75% are not that great. Sara, you spend 75% of your time with guys you don't really like having an okay time? Just to get free meals and save money in your bank account? Try moonlighting as a bathing suit model or become a private eye for the government. I hear they make good money. Funny Quotes Say this with absolutely NO emotion: "I have no patience for women who get emotional and dramatic. Drama doesn't interest me." - Danucksha, or whatever the hell her name is. Honey, we know, you don't have emotions b/c you are a robot. From the girl with the bad prom dress "Have you taken one too many rides on the Coo Coo Canuku bus?" (In response to Sara W's crap). Chris:
"Before I release the hounds of hell…." (referring
to, oh, just about everybody!) Sara W. "I don't want to sound cocky" "I'm kind of a diva if it comes down to it." "I've been dealing with this since 1st grade, people hating me because I'm pretty." "If only I were a little bit uglier and less noticeable." Give me a break! If you don't want to sound cocky, SHUT THE HELL UP! Anitra had some funny quotes, in fact, she was my favorite…."It's not Miss Congeniality, it's the Bachelor" "You're (Sara W) not as attractive as you think you are." And, my personal favorite, "Perhaps you (Sara W) should spend less time looking in the mirror and start looking at what's inside and your self-imposed supremecy that you spew on everyone." Talk about hitting the nail on the head. Kindle gets honorable mention-she's the only girl who knows what the heck she is talking about. Guys--try and get in on her rotation. She's the only keeper in the bunch. There is a tie for Quote of the Week, both from the Bachelor himself: "She (Christine) turned into a Nutty Buddy, and it's never been my favorite candy bar." And "Kimberly said she's comfortable with her sexuality-I'm still trying to figure out if I'm comfortable with Kimberly's sexuality." And the laughs continue. 5/7/2005
5/5/2005
5/2/2005
Sweet ATV outfit, Sara W. Did she know what an ATV was when she decided to wear to tight boy shorts and a bikini top? How rehearsed was the ride on the Bongo Bus? Give me a break. Charlie is honing his acting talents by appearing to have fun on these dates. And, during this date, we saw the second appearance of a tit sling. Nice wrap Sara, that you wore three ways in this show-as a top, as a sarong, and as your skirt in the ceremony. Did they tell you to pack light? The date with the other Sara looked fun, but soooo innocent. In two weeks, these two may be engaged and never have played tonsil tennis? OPEN YOUR MOUTH, SARA! I could kiss my brother like that! Krisily's date was by far the best. I love how her job description is "Salon Coordinator," aka Receptionist at her cousin's salon. Nice pit stain on Charlie-can't they airbrush that out? Anyways, the best part of this date is when Krisiliy bravely tells Charlie she would like to be intimate, but doesn't want to follow through unless he's going to keep her. In one short sentence, he convinces her otherwise. Girls will fall for any line from this guy (see quote of the week). Sara's a prude and Krisily can't wait to give it up! "I'm not going to kiss you" and "I need to sleep with you." Charlie must be going crazy! Krisily was my favorite chick this week, just cuz it only took Charlie 15 seconds to get her in the sack. Willpower, ladies. Okay, a few other random thoughts: Everyone knows Charlie is dating both girls until the final episode. I wonder if they both attended AA with him, too. Charlie, get off the sauce. You can't talk when you are sober, and when you are wasted, you sound like a moron. I'm so glad Sara W. was given the boot. She had such passive-aggressive insecurity, I was sick to my stomach. What is all that crap she's been saying about everyone always liking her, and then blaming her loss on how everyone hates her cuz she's beautiful. Please. You are not Cindy Crawford. It's not a curse and a blessing as you say. You are so threatened by everyone, you have to keep bringing up how much you are not threatened by them. Just shut up and ride your ATV into the sunset. Did I mention how much I loved your outfit? Quote of the week - "I am not here to hurt you, I'm not here to play with your emotions and I'm not here to play with mine. With all that said (all what?), I want you to spend the night and the rest of the stuff we can figure out….afterwards." - Charlie convincing Krisily to give it up. Nice work, bud. 4/25/2005 Sara B, wearing her scrubs, met up with Charlie in Texas. All they did prior to the p's coming over was, well, Sara went upstairs to change, and Charlie had the most intelligent conversation so far this season with Sara's dog. Did anyone catch her sister's boobs? Of course you did, because they fell out of the TV and into your lap! Tits 'R Us. I like how Charlie repeatedly brought up his "acting" career…Google his name and see how many TV shows (other than Bachelor), major motion picture, short films, cartoons, soap opera, etc. you find. I'm gonna go with none. On to Kimberly's house. This was the first time she actually wore clothes, which was nice. Charlie literally said on camera, "Kimberly and I are physically getting along more than talking. We have to hold down a conversation." What? Aren't you possibly getting engaged in two weeks? Whatever. Well, they didn't have much conversation on this date, either, since Charlie was cooking with mom and then "bad prom dress", aka Jenny, brought Kimberly's ex-boyfriend to the same bar later that evening. Did anyone know they were from the same town and knew each other? Those producers are so creative. The Ex was hilarious…did he keep saying he and Kimberly had a "Meatball Connection." Perhaps that's what's been missing in my relationships. "I love you meatball," sounds so…Parmesan cheesy. Sadly, Kimberly gets dismissed before we can see her put out in Aruba. Nothing too exciting about the date with Sara W. They just kept rehashing the problems in the house, which is getting really old. What's up with the Verizon Wireless commercial in the middle of Sara W.'s dates? This is the second time she has used Verizon's video messaging feature. Member last season when a cast member used Oral B strips, as if that's what they do prior to every date. This is getting ridiculous, as if it wasn't already. Again, Charlie says he's an actor. Again, www.google.com Krisily's date was by far the best. Her family, no offense to us bowlers, looked like they grew up in an alley. When 'Nana' talked, who else thought she was gonna yell, "ARCHIE!!" Her voice was right out of All In The Family. But, her look was Rod Stewart all the way. Krisily's mother's face was a fake coach purse. Pleather is so in style. Fake Bakers beware-that may be you in a few years. Try spray tan…it's the most uncomfortable 30 seconds of your life, but at least your face won't look like OJ Simpson's glove. How 'bout they had a picture of Charlie framed in their house and mom and g/ma were spying on them kissing? They were so funny. At the end, Nana was whoring her granddaughter off just so she'd win. Wow. Can't wait for the fantasy dates. Quote of the week: "It's not the fact of me fitting into Charlie's life, it's the fact of Charlie fitting into my life" - Sara B. Again, singles, this is the attitude we should always have. But, when reality strikes, I doubt Charlie is leaving his Hollywood acting career (yeah, right) to move to Dallas. Favorite chick: Surprisingly, it was Krisily, just cuz her family was so hilarious. I would sleep in their trailer any day. 4/18/2005 Okay, now let’s chat about Charlie’s speech impediment. Tell me he has plans to either enter rehab or enroll in speech therapy. We had to keep rewinding the show to figure out what the heck he was even saying. And is he really saying anything to be honest? I have yet to think of a topic of substance that Charlie and these girls have discussed. It’s always, “We’re having so much fun, you are so much fun, for sure, for sure, blah, blah, blah.” Charlie mentioned the possibility of finding someone through a mail-order bride catalog…perhaps that would be more up his alley since he wouldn’t actually have to TALK! Charlie—stop downing drinks and take the marbles out of your mouth! Maybe a better idea would be for him to go back to grammar school…or is that gwammar school? He goes, “We have a lot not in common.” Isn’t that, “We don’t have a lot in common?” Crier #6? Krisily. Talk about cracking under pressure. I have had a lot of part-time gigs in my day, but nothing has compared to being a manicurist at the Bliss Spa that day. Krisily needs to mind her own business, leave Sara W. alone, and cut her hair. Oh yeah, and take Charlie to the salon with you for the haircut…what the heck was going on with his do? He looked like the guy from Airplane—you know the one who says, “I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue.” Or Albert Einstein, whichever you choose. Best part of the show? When Charlie was discussing his ex. Did he really say he needed to “get that off my chest”? They broke up two summers ago. Charlie is saying his ex is holding on….sounds like he might be also. Let it go. The quote of the week comes from this scene…stay tuned. The rose ceremony was not as dramatic as I would have liked, but those chicks are wound as tight as rubber bands. Stick around…I think next week Krisily and Sara W. may actually kill each other. Kindle (who the heck is that?), is crier #7. My favorite girl this week was Anitra, just because she had nothing in common with Charlie—and that’s a good thing. Quote of the week: “That’s fow you (the rose to little sara). You awe so excited, the othew time you got the wose, you were so suwpwised, why was that?” – Charlie O’Connell, aka Elmer Fudd, aka crier #8. 4/12/2005
Kimberly-sweet tit sling. And your second outfit was SO much better-NOT! Look, I'm not the thinnest chick in the bunch, but I also do not claim to be a swimsuit model, nor do I own a skirt as short as the one Kim wore to the art gallery. Give me a break-she looked like Anna Nicole pre-TrimSpa. The best part of the show was when the other girls put on her outfits. Most of them looked better in her clothes than she ever could. Did you see when they had to blur out the one girl's cleavage? It's a prob when your shirt is so low they have to blur it out on national television. How 'bout when Kim went back to Charlie's pad? How long has it been since he's gotten action?? Notice Charlie's flush face when Kim was rubbing him with her foot…it looked like he was going to pass out from enjoyment! And, of course, the quote of the week comes from this date (see below). The bowling was the first fun date any of them have had on this show so far! Finally, a NORMAL date….too bad Sara W. started some drama with Krisily. Does anyone really care, though, really? Krisily is a you-know-what with a capital B. I'm glad Charlie cancelled his date with the mom. He looked rode hard and put away wet after the long night with Kimberly. And props for sending flowers, although, I can guarantee that was the producers idea. He is just not that classy. What the heck is going on? Seriously, is everyone on this show drunk or are they just slurring because they can't form a sentence? Did they all smoke a joint at the alley? Nobody could pronounce their words without creating confusion for the viewers. Thank god for Ti-Vo-we had to rewind several times just to figure out what these characters were saying! Check out WGN weekdays for Everybody Loves Raymond….Raymond's brother, Robert, you know? The cop? Charlie sounds exactly like him. When Charlie called his brother, Jerry, I couldn't keep a straight face. He goes, "Hey, how are you doing?" Helllloooo, I'm Jerry O'Connell. I have a hit TV show and again, I'm dating Rebecca Romijn, aka supermodel. How do you think I'm doing compared to you? You are making a complete fool out of yourself by choosing a bunch of hookers for your dates. Good luck! My favorite chickadee this week? Jenny, for sure-even though she didn't advance. She was hilarious. To the bowling date-pearls with jeans. I love it. And the awful prom dress with black shoes at the ceremony! Honestly, my good friend wore a red version of this dress in 1990. (Oh my god, are we that old?). Jenny signs out as crier #5, although she had a great line at the end…"Honestly, no big deal." Aint that the truth? Quote
of the week: "Now we're cookin'-with gas." (In reference
to Kim's hot outfit.) - Charlie 4/6/2005
3/28/2005
Last night we met our eligible bachelor, Charlie O’Connell, a 29-year old real estate investor. Charlie sounds great on paper. He has three homes (NY, LA, and Long Island), he is a champion fencer and his brother is Jerry O’Connell. Does anyone else get Jerry confused with Jason Bateman? I just can’t keep them straight. At first, Charlie seemed funny, laid-back (Jenn Scheft’s type), and what else…yeah, dumb. He sounded like a box of rocks. It was like listening to a 3-year old. See Dick run. Run Jane run.
There were a few surprising twists that kept my interest. Occasionally, Jerry was able to pass out roses on the dates, so there were only five left at the final rose ceremony. The girls were allowed to duke it out prior to the rose handout. That was hilarious. Charlie ripped on the model for wearing sunglasses and acting pretentious. One of the girls called the other girls “sluts.” It was knock-out, drag-down on the first night!
Lets chat about the girls. Did anyone notice their unique names? Anitra, Danushka, Geitan, Kindle, Krisily, Kyshawn, and Siomara. What were their parents smoking? And how obvious could it be that Charlie prefers blondes???? One of the girls even said this to him, and the scenes from the next show someone dyeing their hair. Change your name to Desperate! Each week, I am going to identify my favorite chick. This week? Kristine for sure.
Kristine was the “FBI agent” by day, bikini suit model by night, who ended up being so scary—I thought she was going to put Charlie under a voodoo trance when she didn’t get picked. Did she recently have Lasik surgery or were those real tears? Give me a break. Her best line, “If my name is written on your heart, I would be so honored.” She wrote him some spooky poem and then gave him her bikini top! When she kissed his cheek, I almost threw up. She like licked him or something. It was gross. Kristine—words of advice—stay off the crack, stop reading about witchcraft, and keep your clothes on!
Jeez, I have so much to say, but you will have to wait until next week. As Chris would say, “Coming Up—the most dramatic commentary EVER!”
Quote
of the week: “It’s not like I’m a rocket scientist!”
– Charlie O’Connell. (Yeah, no kidding.) |
I
am so glad the final Bachelor aired last night, but was it necessary
for it to be THREE hours? That was unreal. I just fell asleep at
work. The entire middle hour could have been cut out. All they kept
doing was asking Krisily and Sara how the were feeling...well, let's
think, they've been waiting for months to see if they were going
to be chosen, and now it's going to be on National TV. How would
you feel?
Of
course, this week was the "Women Tell All" show, which
typically does not excite me. Perhaps I am beginning to take this
crap too seriously, because I started to get really disappointed
with those BE-ATCHES! Who do they think they are? Danucksha, or
whatever the hell her name is, kept ripping on girls who she thought
have weight to lose-note to self…Pudgy girls who are nice get
farther in life than bitchy model-wannabes. And the bathing suit
model by day, government PI by night continued her charade-did she
honestly think we would believe headquarters called her during the
filming of the bachelor? Oh yeah, and undercover government investigators
don't need a part-time gig modeling bathing suits. They make six
figures, and guess what? They don't ever tell their true assignments.
Remember Meet the Parents? Christine-go with exotic flower collector,
it worked for DeNiro. 
It
has been such an exciting week where Bachelors and Bachelorettes
are concerned. My buddies and I ran into Wendell (remember from
the 'Rette with Jen Scheft) and Ben (also from Jen's show--the ski
instructor) at Cafe Babareeba last night. You would have thought
they were Tom Cruise and George Clooney. Wendell and Ben were with
two cute blondes who wouldn't have given them the time of day had
they not been on national television. When the chicks left the table
together to go to the washroom, five of us (me, Ann (it was her
b-day), Court, Barb, and Ange) ran over to their table and had Ann
sit on Wendell's lap and take a picture with them! Happy Birthday,
Ann! It was so hilarious. Everyone sitting around them were thinking,
"Who are these two dudes?" When I told one guy who had
asked me why we took a picture of them that they were on the Bachelorette,
he looked at me like I was nuts. Lighten up, people, reality tv
rocks!
For
all you Byron fans--here's an update. Not only does he fish everyday,
he's an accomplished poker man! On Wednesday, Byron was at my parents
in Tampa playing poker. I called and talked to him over the telephone!
I sounded like a 16-year old talking to some big celebrity. Although
I wasn't Byron's biggest fan when he was on the show, I was very
impressed by him last night. He is very nice and charming. He said
he is having a great time in Tampa, so I guess he and Mary are goin'
strong. Later in the night, my dad called back with Byron, who was
asking for my address to send me some signed glossies for my Bachelor
buddies! Does anyone have a 8 X 10 frame I could borrow?
Well,
it was off to Aruba! Couldn't you just see the producers sitting
around the stove cooking up such creative ideas? "I got it,
let's have all three girls stay at the SAME hotel!" "Okay,
and we'll have Sara W. walk by and just happen to run into Krisily."
"Ooh, ooh, I know, let's have the two Saras meet up and talk
about Krisily." "No, no, I got it-let's have Charlie just
say 'Sara' at the rose ceremony, and everyone will be confused about
which one he means…that's it." PLEASE. This entire episode
was so orchestrated; I thought I would see Mozart in the credits.
ATTENTION
SINGLES: There are dating prerequisites that must take place prior
to meeting potential future in-laws…1.) You have at least had
to have a single one-on-one date (sorry Krisily). 2.) You have to
have kissed your date-with tongue (sorry Sara B.). And 3.) You have
at the VERY LEAST had a conversation with your date (sorry Kimberly).
If you missed the hometown dates, you didn't miss a lot. Here…I'll
catch you up. 
Well,
if there’s anything I know about this show, it’s how hilarious
it is – every single week. You couldn’t make this $hit
up if you tried. Honestly, I never laughed so hard as I did last
night. After considering to boycott the show for a few weeks now—last
night convinced me to keep watching. I seriously think the producers
are sitting around a big oak table discussing how ridiculous they
can make the show and see if America still watches. Well, after
seeing these girls make fools out of themselves by divulging their
fears…Sara is afraid of horses, Krisily is claustrophobic,
and Kimberly is definitely afraid of wearing pants that fit. What
in god’s earth were those shorts she was wearing at the fencing
tourney? 
VIEWER
DISCRETION ADVISED - The following program is soft porn.
Does
anyone agree that the first 30 seconds of this show says it all?
They show clips from the entire show and aside from the rose ceremony,
you don't need to self-mutilate yourself by watching the whole hour.
For those of you with DVR or Ti-Vo...watch the first 30 seconds,
then fast foward to the last two minutes...trust me.
For
those of you who don’t know me, my name is Sandy and it is
my pleasure to be your “Bachelor Commentator” this season.
Hopefully, this is the last season. The Bachelor and Bachelorette
shows have required serious commitment from me and I can’t
last very much longer. For the last eight seasons, I have committed
one day every week to this program. Now, don’t get me wrong,
this show has been a very good excuse for my friends and I to get
together every week for dinner and gossip. I treasure these days
from the bottom of my heart. This commentary is my last commitment
to the Bachelor . I hope all of my smart-ass comments will put a
smile on your face and brighten up your work week—every week.