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Tom Tucker Quotes
Tucker: And now time for Ollie Williams with the Black-U-Weather
Ollie: It gon rain.
Tom Tucker: Thanks, Ollie.
Simmons: Tom, I'm getting late word that you're a petty, jealous
Tom Tucker: Bit of breaking news, we now go live to Diane
being a bitch. Diane.
Tucker: And now over to Ollie Williams for the blackie punishment
Ollie: HE GON' GET IT!
Tom Tucker: Thanks Ollie!
Tucker: Because of an accident today at the Quahog cable company,
all television transmission will be out for an undetermined
amount of time. Of course, no one can see this news program,
so it doesn't really matter what we say. I'm the Lord Jesus
Christ. I think I'll go get drunk and beat up some midgets,
how about you, Diane?
Diane Simmons: Well, Tom, I just plain don't like black people.
Camera man: Hey guys, we're still on in Boston.
Tucker: Well Diane, that last report was so good I think you
deserve a spanking.
Diane: Oh Tom, I don't think your wife would appreciate that.
Tom: Haha, that frigid old cow lives in Quahog she can't hear
a word I'm saying.
Camera Guy: Actually, we're back on the air in Quahog.
Tucker: Now let's go to Greg The Weather Mime. OK... it's
going to be cold... lots of wind... and it looks like parents
are going to throw human fecal matter from the rooftops onto
their children ... oh, GOD. That's awful. No wait, it looks
like rain. Yes, rain.
Tucker: Can my wife Stacey get you anything?
Stacey: Go to hell Tom.
Tom Tucker: Already there hun.
Tucker: Stay tuned for our special investigative report on
the clitoris, "Nature's Rubik's Cube".
Tucker: So, Dustin, it's been a while. I gotta say, you look
Dustin Hoffman: [As Ben Braddock] Are you trying to seduce
me, Mr. Tucker?
Tom Tucker: I am not tying to seduce you, Dustin Hoffman.
You really look great.
Dustin Hoffman: [As Rain Man] Uh oh, 12 minutes to Wapner.
Tom Tucker: Yes, I understand your hectic schedule. Well,
Dustin, we really appreciate you taking the time to be with
us here at the studio. If there's anything I can ever do for
Dustin Hoffman: [As Captain Hook] Bring me Peter Pan!
Tom Tucker: I'll keep my eye out for him. Thanks, Dustin.
Tucker: Well, I believe I speak for everyone when I say all
the New Yorkers can go fornicate themselves with a steel rod.
Tucker: Well Diane, theres something you're gonna have to
get used to. Men running away form you.
Diane Simmons: Shut up Tom, you're so far in the closet you're
finding Christmas presents!
Tucker: Coming up, Diane's weight.
Tucker: In other news, the man that has done more drugs than
any other human being on the planet was killed today by a
pack of rabid dogs he thought he saw.
Tom's dared me to do the news topless, I've got the goods
but do I have the guts? Find out at 11.
Tom- That's breaking news and maybe Diane's Boobs later tonight.
Tucker: In other news, Lando Griffin, a popular student at
a local high school was killed last night when his motorcycle
careened off dead man's curve. Police were baffled when no
body was found at the scene, but decided it was best not to
ask questions and just let everyone get on with their lives.
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