thanks to familyguyquotes.com
Ugh, I can't beileve your serving a three year sentance, it
seems so harsh.
Lois: Well, the only upside is that its given me time to think
about why I ended up in here, I guess I was stealin' because
I was so sick of the same old routine. I felt like I had a
void in my life, like, like, there was a secret hole in me...
Quagmire: Oh God!
Lois:...and I was tryin' to fill that hole with all kinds
of expencive objects, and things...
Quagmire: Oh God!!!
Lois: ...and I felt wonderful with all those things fillin'
Quagmire: Oh God!!!!!!
Lois: I did this to myself, so im just gonna have to lay back
and let the penal system teach me a lesson.
Quagmire: That one is also sexual.
on Airplane: "Oh great, I always end up sitting next
to a damn baby."
Stewie: "What did you just say?"
Lois: "Stewie, stop fussing."
Stewie: "Pipe down Lois." (Slaps guy on head) "Hey
big man, turn around. Oh you can't hear me now. I was going
to watch the movie, but forget it. For the next 5 hours, your
Peter,why are we stopped?
Peter: Yeah, I'll have three cheeseburgers...
Lois: Peter for God's sakes she's havin' a baby!
Peter: Oh that's right...and a kid's meal... and uh,I, I guess
I'll have fries...if I have fries is anyone else gonna have
any? Cuz,uh I don't wanna be the only one eatin' them... I'll
feel like a fatty.
Everybody I've got bad news. We've been cancelled.
Lois: Oh no Peter! How could they do that?
Peter: Well unfortuantely Lois, there's just no more room
on the schedule. We just gotta accept the fact that FOX has
to make room for terrific shows like Dark Angel, Titus, Undeclared,
Action, That 80's Show, Wonder Falls, Fast Lane, Andy Richter
Controls The Universe, Skin, Girl's Club, Cracking Up, The
Pitts, Firefly, Get Real, Freaky Links, Wanda At Large, Costello,
The Lone Gunman, A Minute with Stan Hooper, Normal Ohio, Pasadena,
Harsh Realm, Keen Eddy, The Street, American Embassy, Cedric
The Entertainer, The Tick, Louie, And Greg The Bunny....
Lois: Is there no hope?
Peter: Well I suppose if ALL those shows go down the tubes
we might have a shot.
Oh, I haven't been on a college campus in years. Everything
seems so different.
Stewie: Really? Perhaps if you laid on your back with your
ankels behind your ears that would ring a few bells.
finds a note in Chris's pocket)
Lois: "Huh, what's this? You know Stewie, Mommy doesn't
usually read things out of Chris's pocket. She's more respectufl
Stewie: "Whatever helps you sleep at night, bitch."
I know something about stupid phone calls
(phone rings in house)
Peter: I cant take the trash out today im working late at
Peter: The called ID says your calling from the kitchen. In
fact I can see you.
Peter: Can you see me now?
Peter: Now I am at the office.
Peter, theres a hooker on the bed!
Peter: Stand perfectly still Lois, their vision is based on
Hooker: Where'd you go?
Somebody save him, he can't swim!
Peter: Oh, he's not even kicking. Kick Joe, kick.
Lois: Peter, he's a paraplegic!
Peter: That doesn't mean he can't hear. Kick Joe, kick!
Honey, what do you say we uh...christen these new sheets,
Peter: Why Lois Griffin, you naughty girl.
Lois: Hehehe...that's me.
Peter: You dirty hustler.
Peter: You filthy, stinky prostitute.
Lois: Aha, ok I get it...
Peter: You foul, venerial disease carrying, street walking
Lois: Alright, thats enough!
Peter, what did you promise me?
Peter: That I wouldn't drink at the stag party.
Lois: And what did you do?
Peter: Drank at the stag pa-- ... Whoa. I almost walked into
I'm gonna go get some oranges Stewie. Here, hold the rest
of these bags for mommy."
Stewie: Oh, what brilliant parenting Lois. Leave a tiny infant
with a plastic bag. You know I might asphyxiate myself just
to teach you a lesson. Here I go. Just like that boy from
INXS..(Stewie tries to put bag over top of his head.)
Stewie: I'm going to do it! (Tries to put bag over left side
of his head then climbs into it and tries pulling it over
Stewie: BLAST! Good Lord Lois, either I was a c-section, or
you're Wonder Woman!
Im sentencing you to 24 months in prison.
Lois: Oh no!
Brian: Oh no!
Chris: Oh no!
Meg: Oh no!
Kool Aid Guy: OOOOOOOH YA!
Stewie why don't you play in the other room?
Stewie: Why don't you burn in hell?
What's going on down here?
Stewie: Oh, we're playing house.
Lois: That boy's all tied up.
Stewie: Roman Polanski's house
It's a beautiful baby girl!
Carol: Oh, a girl! I'm so happy!
Peter: But it has a penis. (Picks up scalpel.) I'll take care
Lois: Peter, No!
You see, our son Chris, well...
Peter: Wait, Lois, we have to handle this delicately. Our
son....wants....to plow you.
Mrs. Lockheart: Oh, I thought it was something like that.
I care about the size of your penis as much as you care about
the size of my breasts.
Peter: Oh my God! (runs off crying)
Finally, look Mom I've had it. I'm not babysitting anymore.
It's Saturday night I could be out having a life.
Lois: Meg, if you don't wanna babysit anymore that's fine,
but don't you stand there and lie to me.
Peter: OH-HO Meg, she torched your ass man! She torched your
Peter, why would they make you president?
Peter: Maybe it's because I can recite all 50 states in a
quarter of a second - RARF!
Lois: Peter, that was just a loud yelping noise.
And you know what? I'm gonna take that chance my father never
let me take when I was younger. I'm gonna become a model!
Peter: Hey, that's fantastic, Lois! And I'll pleasure myself
to your photos.
Chris: Me too!
Meg: Me too!
Peter: Oh! Oh! God! Meg! That's sick! That's your mother!
Meg (shrugs): I'm just trying to fit in.
Peter: Get out! Get out of this house!
(Meg doesn't move. Peter punches wall.)
Peter: I SAID GET OUT OF THIS HOUSE NOW!
(Meg runs out and Peter closes the door.)
Peter: That's a good about your modeling, Lois.
Mr. Griffin, you're fine.
Peter: Oh now you're coming on to me?
Lois: Peter, he's not coming on to you, he's telling you you're
Doctor: Can't it be both?
falls out of his chair and is about to fall farther into the
sewer when Lois catches him.)
Lois: I can't hold on much longer!
Joe: Lois, pretend I'm one of your children!
(Joe starts to slip)
Joe: Not Meg!
(Lois pulls Joe to safety)
Hey Lois, what did you make this cocoa out of, crap?
Lois: If you want me to make it again, just --
Death: Oh, I'm sorry. I just thought you were going to make
it with milk, not crap.
Peter tell Chris that women are not objects!
Peter: Your mother's right Chris, listen to what it says.
A flight attendant? Wow, that does sound exciting. What made
you change your mind?
Peter: Just my desire to see you happy.
Lois: Aww .... (hugs peter)
Peter: And to exploit your hard labour for free travel and
Peter: Shhh ... I didn't say anything. Go to sleep crazy lady.
Wow, Lois Griffin, Hey, I love your act! Nice mellons.
Peter: Now listen pal!
Lois: Peter, I'm holding mellons.
Man: And her hooters aint bad either.
Peter: Now hold on a second.
Lois: Peter! I'm holding hooters!
Peter: Oh, sorry.
Man: No problem .
Man: Your wife's hot.
Peter: Alright that's it!
comes in through door)
Lois: Hi, Boys.
Peter: I didn' have my hand down my pants!
Lois: Hmm...Good for you. I just bought use some new sheets
at Bed, Bath, and Beyond.
Peter: Oh boy, I hope you stayed away from that "beyond"
(Cuts to scene where Peter is pushing a shopping cart into
a door labeled "BEYOND."
Peter: (Swirling through vortex) Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh-- Oh, here
are the coffee mugs...
Peter, wake up! Our son is covered in fleas!
Peter: Thats nothing! When I was a kid, I was covered in ticks!
Lois: This isn't a compitition!
Peter: It was back then. (Glances over at trophy, "Most
Peter- I'm packing for Kiss-stock and I can't find my favorite
Lois-You mean the pair with the rip in the right butt check
from when you stepped on them pulling them up in that airplane
bathroom from when you had the trotts?
Peter-No, no the pair with the whole in the left butt check
from when I held it in for two hours cuz it was an extra long
Palm Sunday church sermon and I thought that blowing gas would
offend jesus so I let it go in the vestabule after mass and
it sounded like Louie Armstrong.
Lois-Oh! Bottom drawer.
Sweetie, it's broccoli, it's good for you. Now open up for
Stewie: Never! Damn the broccoli, damn you, and damn the Wright
Thanks for including my Civil Rights boardgame in the game
night rotation guys.
Lois: Oh, we're always happy to play "Two Decades of
Dignity." It makes us all feel a little less guilty.
(Peter rolls dice and moves his gamepiece.)
Peter (reading off a gamecard): For whistling at a white woman,
go directly to jail. Aww, man doesn't anyone ever win at this
Cleveland: You don't win. You just do a little better each
Peter, did you paste a new picture of yourself on our wedding
Peter: Yeah I think it looks better.
Lois: You pasted it over me.
Peter: Yeah I think it looks better.
Can't we tell them that your mother died?
Lois: Peter, I'm not gonna lie about something like that.
Peter: All right, all right, I'll kill your mother.
has bought a sexy version of a relationship tape]
Lois: $49.95? Are you sure we can afford this?
Peter: Lois, our relationship can not be measured in nipples
and dimes ... nickels and boobs ... money.
(Takes sip from mug and spits it out): Geeze, what did you
make this hot cocoa with, crap?
Lois (Sighs): Well if you want me to make it again...
Death: No, no. I'm sorry, It's just that I asumed that you
were going to make it with milk, not crap.
I don't get it, mom, if you're so mad at dad for wrecking
your show, why did you come to opening night?
Lois: I came because I love the theater. I mean, if I just
came here to enjoy watching your father be humiliated when
this asinine spectacle of his is ridiculed by everyone in
town, what kind of person would I be?
Chris: A bitch.
Okay here we go, "What color is a firetruck?"
Peter: Aww, oh God I always get these. Umm..okay..uhh..all
right..firetruck..firetruck firetruck firetruck firetruck.
What color are those red firetrucks? Uhh..Oh god I can picture
them now...all red and everything.
(to counselor): This is the first act of violence Stewie has
Stewie: Well actually, the first act of violence was the time
bomb I left ticking in your uterus before I came out. Happy
50th birthday Lois!
I'm upset because you never listen to me. This is Atlantic
City all over again.
[Lois and Peter at Blackjack table]
Dealer: You've got 20!
Peter: Hit me.
Lois: Peter, don't.
Peter: Hit me.
Peter: Hit me.
Peter: Hit me.
Dealer: That's 30
Peter: Hit me.
Maybe Peter took the trophy, he wanted it all along.
Peter: I couldn't have taken it, I was too busy breakin' into
Joe's garage stealin' his ladder so I could steal the trophy
Peter: What? It's a ladder, he can't use it. It's like takin'
a watch off a dead guy.
Our children are our greatest treasure. They deserve a school
board president who doesn't leave her feminine ointments in
the fridge next to the mustard. That was the worst sandwich
I ever ate! She flosses in bed. She snores like a wildebeast.
She freed Willie Horton. She nailed Donna Rice.
Lois: Peter, that's enough!
Peter: Eats babies.
Oh, what about this, Meg? A pink baby-tee that says "Little
Slut." That seems pretty hip.
Meg: I don't know if that's really me, Mom.
Lois: Well, they've got one that says "Porn Star"
and another that says "Sperm Dumpster." And they're
all written in glitter.
Meg: All right, all right. Give me "Sperm Dumpster."
Lois: That's the spirit!
(to Stewie)- Come on sweetie, eat your broccoli. Here comes
Stewie (to Lois)- Damn you, damn the broccoli, and damn the
and Lois are dumbfounded after they find Brian masturbating]
Lois: Was he just ...
Peter: Do ... do I rub his nose in it?
Griffin: This can be a great opportunity for you and Stewie
Peter Griffin: Bond ... James Bond. I'll do it.
I just wish my opinion mattered to you.
Peter: Well, the important thing is, it matters to you, and
that's the greatest gift of all.
Oh, look, Meg, it's your little baby booties. Oh, and your
little bronze hat. And your tail.
Meg: My what?
Lois, I cant find my favorite pair of underwear.
Lois: Which one? The one where you ripped hole in it from
when you got stuck in that airplane bathroom from when you
got the trots?
Peter: No, I'm looking for the pair from when I had to hold
it in because it was that extra long Palm Sunday service and
I thought blowing gas would offend God so I let it rip in
the vestibule after service?
Lois: Top drawer.
What did I tell you?
Peter: You told me not to drink at the stag party.
Lois: and what did you do?
Peter: I drank at the sta- Whoa... I almost fell right into
Oh my God, my baby's drunk!
Peter: No I'm not! Oh--him. Yeah, he's a real lightweight.
Stewie: I'm tired and I want to go to bed. Everybody! I'm
drunk and I wanna go to bed. Just the women!
Peter, did you post a new picture of yourself on our wedding
Peter: Yeah, I think it looks better.
Lois: You posted it over me!!
Peter: Yeah, I think it looks better.
Here comes the airplane, Stewie.
(Stewie swats spoon)
Stewie: The pilot of that plpane must have been JFK Jr.
I am not a crazy broad!
Peter: Oh, no, no, Lois, he didn't mean you're crazy like
Elizabeth Taylor. He meant you're crazy, like that glue. You
stick to things, y'know, like an adhesive. That's all he meant.
Have you been drinking?
Peter: Why, yes, I have. Thank you.
Well, Well mother we meet again.
Lois: Stewie I thought I tucked you in an hour ago.
Stewie: Not tightly enough it would seem, and now you contemptible
harpy, I shall end your oppressive reign of matriarchal tyranny!
Peter, isn't she beautiful?
Peter: Yeah, but I think she's with that guy. They've been
holding hands all night.
Lois: Peter, I meant Meg.
Peter: Oh, yeah, she's hot.
Are you gonna miss me?
Peter: Only until I go to the newsstand and buy a Hustler.
(Noticing Chris' pimple): Oh my God! Look at the size of that
pimple, you're like a circus freak! (Laughs.) Aw, I'm just
kidding, it means you're becoming a man, sweetie.
Peter: Yeah, I remember when I first became a man.
Doctor: The operation was a success. What are you going to
go by now?
(Peter looks under his hospital gown)
(looking at a used car Peter wants): Peter, this car has dents
in it, and it's got a cardboard steering wheel.
Peter: Just a second honey.
Lois: And look, there's no engine! It just has a drawing of
Car salesman: But it only had one previous owner....James
Peter: I'll take it!
I've seen that crappy Julia Roberts movie forty-seven times.
Have you seen the lips on that woman? Like a baboon's ass
on her face.
You gave up a boat for free tickets to a crappy comedy club!
Peter: Come one, Lois, you're acting like this is the first
time I ever did something stupid.
is about to smash Quagmire with a baseball bat. Then he looks
around at, Meg, Chris, and Lois, who all have frightened faces.
Then Darth Sidius appears.)
Darth Sidius: Good, good. Let the hate flow through you.
Lois (pushing him away): You're not helping.
Quote Rating: 7.8 outta 10 (Over 42 votes) - Vote Now!
Lois, less talkie more fetchie.
Lois: I'm just gonna assume that's Chinese for 'I love you.'
Nurse this woman is in labor!
Mayor Adam West: Excuse me, I was here first... My leg is
calls the house and Chris picks up phone)
Chris: Stephenson residence.
Lois: Chris, we've gone through this before. It's pronounced
For me? Please?
Peter: All right, all right, but you owe me. Later, under
the mistletoe, open mouth, no matter how drunk I am.
Hey I know, lets play a game. Now I'm thinking of a movie.
Meg: Is it an action movie?
Chris: Who's in the movie?
Peter: Wait, is it a good movie?
Lois: Eh, it has its moments.
Peter: Cool Runnings
Here, Death. I brought you some Tylenol.
Death: Oh, great. I asked for Advil, but you know, Tylenol,
Brian, you're not wearing the sweater I made you.
Peter: Well, y'know, it's a little warm in here ...
Lois: "Don we now our gay apparel."
Peter: It doesn't get much gayer than this.
Our sex is so dull for you that you gotta fantasize about
Lois: I'm sorry honey, I guess that things have become a little...stale
Peter: Well, I-I don't know what to do. I mean, I don't really
know that much about any kinky stuff. I mean, I-I could hook
this car battery up to my nipples. (Hooks car battery to both
Peter: Ahh, Ahh, Ahh, Oh God, Ow Ow Ow Ow Ow there's 240-Ow
Ow Ow Ow Ow!
Stewie, did you unhook mommy's bra?
I'm sorry for everything that's happened Peter. I guess I'm
going through a phase right now where I'm only attracted to
Peter: Well what are we supposed to do Lois? Just admitt that
there's no excitement left in our marriage, go home and spend
the rest of our lives looking at each other across the breakfast
table talking about how much we both like Total?
Lois: Ooh, I love Total!
Peter: Ooh, actually so do I, and it's healthy for us too.
OH GOD ITS STARTIN' ALREADY!
Peter, you're bribing your daughter with a car?
Peter: Ah, c'mon, Lois, isn't "bribe" just another
word for "love?"
Are you Kate Moss? For someone with no breasts, you've done
very well for yourself. Good for you.
Kids, we just have to learn to accept this. Like one of those
stories on Dateline where a family member suffers a horrible
accident and becomes a burden on everybody. Sure, they pretend
to be happy, but they're dead inside, they're dead. And that'll
be our lives.
To hell with the cameras! How could we ever let them replace
our little girl? Oh, I miss her, Peter.
Peter: Me, too. She's like that dorky Baldwin brother who
isn't as good-looking or successful and never answers my letters,
but he's still a Baldwin, damn it!
Stand aside. Its time for me to fufill my fatherly duty. HAHA
i said duty but no time to laugh about it now.
here's another same episode
Lois: Peter say hello to your daughter.
Peter: Oh my God! I'm sorry Lois. It was twenty years ago.
I never heard the word rubber uh--
Lois: No, Peter this is Meg.
Peter: OH! Welcome to the family sweetheart, Chris throw out
all of Megs old pictures.
My days in college were so exciting. This one time, the national
guard came and shot some of my friends.
It's like I always tell the kids, a quitter never wins and
don't trust whitie.
Aren't you upset that your wife cheated on you with your best
Cleveland: Better with Quagmire than someone she could get
a disease from.
My daughter needs a makeover like there's no fricking tomorrow.
Lois, this is my new friend Max Weinstein! He's Jewish!
Lois: Ooooooooh, how exotic!
Kids, your grandfather's ears are not gross and they are certainly
not an enchanted forest.
Gibson: I'm sorry, Mrs. Griffin. This isn't personal, but
I need to do what I need to do to get that tape.
Lois (scared): Oh, Mel, what are you gonna do to me? (Then,
erotically, hopefully)Oh, Mel, what are you gonna do to me...?
thanks to familyguyquotes.com
|Lois Griffin: Peter, my God, you look terrible. What happened?
Peter Griffin [slowly]: I was raped.
Lois Griffin [chuckles]: What?
Peter Griffin: Dr. Hartman violated me. He took my innocence.
Lois Griffin [chuckles harder]: W-What?
[Peter whispers in her ear]
Lois Griffin: Peter, that's a prostate exam. It's an important part of a physical for a man your age.
Peter Griffin: YOU SOUND JUST LIKE HIM! [runs off, sobbing]
Lois Griffin: Fucking idiot.
|Lois [finding note in Chris's pocket]: Huh, what's this? You know Stewie, Mommy doesn't usually read things out of Chris's pocket. She's more respectful than that.
Stewie: Whatever helps you sleep at night, bitch.
|Lois Griffin: And you know what? I'm gonna take that chance my father never let me take when I was younger. I'm gonna become a model!
Peter Griffin: Hey, that's fantastic, Lois! And I'll pleasure myself to your photos.
Chris Griffin: Me too!
Meg Griffin: Me too!
Peter Griffin: Oh! Oh! God! Meg! That's sick! That's your mother!
Meg Griffin [shrugs]: I'm just trying to fit in.
Peter Griffin: Get out! Get out of this house!
[Meg doesn't move. Peter punches wall.]
Peter Griffin: I SAID GET OUT OF THIS HOUSE NOW!
[Meg runs out and Peter closes the door.]
Peter Griffin: That's a good about your modeling, Lois.
|Lois Griffin: Peter, why are we stopped?
Peter Griffin: Yeah, I'll have three cheeseburgers...
Lois Griffin: Peter for God's sakes she's havin' a baby!
Peter Griffin: Oh that's right...and a kid's meal... and uh,I, I guess I'll have fries...if I have fries is anyone else gonna have any? Cuz,uh I don't wanna be the only one eatin' them... I'll feel like a fatty.
|Bonnie Swanson: Somebody save him, he can't swim!
Peter Griffin: Oh, he's not even kicking. Kick Joe, kick.
Lois Griffin: Peter, he's a paraplegic!
Peter Griffin: That doesn't mean he can't hear. Kick Joe, kick!
Lois Griffin: Okay, one more minute, and then if there are two pink lines...
Peter Griffin: Oh god, I hope you're not pregnant, we can't afford another kid. We already got Chris, Stewey, Richie, Joanie, Greg, Marsha, Bobby, Jan, Mike Seaver, Carol Seaver, Boner, Urkel, Mr. Furley...
Brian Griffin: Peter those aren't your kids, that's the Nick-at-Night lineup.
Peter Griffin: Blanka, Zangeif, Chun-Li, Guile, E. Honda...
Brian Griffin: That's Street Fighter.
Peter Griffin: Red, blue, green...
Brian Griffin: Those are colors.
|Brian Griffin: Ugh, I can't believe you're serving a three year sentence, it seems so harsh.
Lois Griffin: Well, the only upside is that it's given me time to think about why I ended up in here. I guess I was stealin' because I was so sick of the same old routine. I felt like I had a void in my life, like, like, there was a secret hole in me...
Glen Quagmire: Oh God!
Lois Griffin:...and I was tryin' to fill that hole with all kinds of expensive objects, and things...
Glen Quagmire: Oh God!!!
Lois Griffin: ...and I felt wonderful with all those things fillin' that hole.
Glen Quagmire: Oh God!!!!!!
Lois Griffin: I did this to myself, so I'm just gonna have to lay back and let the penal system teach me a lesson.
|Peter Griffin [holding crying baby after Carol has given birth]: It's a beautiful baby girl!
Carol Pewterschmidt: Ooh, a baby girl! I'm so happy!
Peter Griffin: But she has a penis. Well, we'll have to do something about that [Picks up scalpel.]
Lois Griffin [taking scalpel away]: Peter, no! It's a boy.
|Lois Griffin: Come on Stewie, don't be afraid. It's just water, it's not gonna bite.
Stewie Griffin: Shut up! I know it's not going to bite, stupid! What a stupid thing to say. You drown in it you moron! It doesn't have to bite you!
|Lois Griffin [trying to feed Stewie broccoli airplane style]: Sweetie, it's broccoli, it's good for you. Now open up for the airplane.
Stewie Griffin: Never! Damn the broccoli, damn you, and damn the Wright brothers!
Lois Griffin: My, aren't we fussy tonight. Okay. No broccoli.
Stewie Griffin: Very well then. L...
[Lois shoves the Broccoli into his mouth. Stewie then spits it out.]
Stewie Griffin: Who the hell do you think you are?
Lois Griffin: Honey, it's not gonna go away just because you don't like it.
Stewie Griffin: Well then, my goal becomes clear: The broccoli must die.
|Lois Griffin [reading Meg's diary with rest of family gathered around]: Dear Diary, Kevin is so hot. Today he was raking the yard. God I wish he'd throw me into that pile of leaves. [Laughter]
Meg Griffin: [Walks into the room] Hey what's everyone... Oh my God! You're reading my diary! I HATE YOU ALL! WHAAAAAAA! [Runs away crying]
Peter: [Opens beer] Keep going!
|Meg Griffin: I miss Uncle Patrick.
Lois Griffin: Don't worry kids I promise we can visit him once a month.
Chris Griffin: We'll be his period.
|Lois Griffin: Oh, look, Meg, it's your little baby booties. Oh, and your little bronze hat. And your tail.
Meg Griffin: My what?
Lois Griffin: Nothing.
|Lois Griffin: Oh, what about this, Meg? A pink baby-tee that says "Little Slut." That seems pretty hip.
Meg Griffin: I don't know if that's really me, Mom.
Lois Griffin: Well, they've got one that says "Porn Star" and another that says "Sperm Dumpster." And they're all written in glitter.
Meg Griffin: All right, all right. Give me "Sperm Dumpster."
Lois Griffin: That's the spirit.
|Lois Griffin: Oh, I haven't been on a college campus in years. Everything seems so different.
Stewie Griffin: Really? Perhaps if you laid on your back with your ankles behind your ears that would ring a few bells.
|Lois Griffin: I'm gonna go get some oranges Stewie. Here, hold the rest of these bags for mommy.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, what brilliant parenting Lois. Leave a tiny infant with a plastic bag. You know I might asphyxiate myself just to teach you a lesson. Here I go. Just like that boy from INXS…[Stewie tries to put bag over top of his head.] I'm going to do it! [Tries to put bag over left side of his head then climbs into it and tries pulling it over his head.] BLAST! Good Lord Lois, either I was a c-section, or you're Wonder Woman!
|Lois Griffin: Peter! You're bribing your daughter with a car?
Peter Griffin: Aw, c'mon Lois, isn't 'bribe' just another word for 'love'?
|Peter Griffin: We all know that no women anywhere wants to have sex with anyone and to titillate us with any thoughts otherwise is - is just bogus.
Lois Griffin: Ah, he is so right on. Women are such teases. That's why I went back to men.
|Lois Griffin: Together we can do anything: face any foe, overcome any obstacle.
Peter Griffin: Yeah, climb any mountain, rent any video, dial any phone. And not just our phone, Lois, other people's phones. Decent phones, God-fearing phones, phones that everybody else gave up on, but we knew better because we were a team!
Brian Griffin: What the hell are you talking about?
|Lois Griffin: Honey, what do you say we uh...christen these new sheets, huh?
Peter: Why Lois Griffin, you naughty girl.
Lois Griffin: Hehehe...that's me.
Peter Griffin: You dirty hustler.
Lois Griffin: Hehehehe...
Peter Griffin: You filthy, stinky prostitute.
Lois Griffin: Aha, ok I get it...
Peter Griffin: You foul, venereal disease carrying, street walking whore.
Lois Griffin: Alright, that's enough!
|[At the grocery store]
Man: Wow, Lois Griffin, Hey, I love your act! Nice melons.
Peter Griffin: Now listen pal!
Lois Griffin: Peter, I'm holding melons.
Peter Griffon: Oh
Man: And her hooters ain't bad either.
Peter Griffon: Now hold on a second.
Lois Griffin: Peter! I'm holding hooters!
Peter Griffin: Oh, sorry.
Man: No problem. [pause] Man: Your wife's hot.
Peter Griffin: Alright that's it!
|Lois Griffin: Peter, there's a hooker on the bed!
Peter Griffin: Stand perfectly still Lois, their vision is based on movement.
Hooker: Where'd you go?
|Lois Griffin: What's going on down here?
Stewie Griffin: Oh, we're playing house.
Lois Griffin: That boy's all tied up.
Stewie Griffin: Roman Polanski's house.
|Lois Griffin: I care about the size of your penis as much as you care about the size of my breasts.
Peter Griffin: Oh my God! [runs off crying]
|Lois Griffin: Peter tell Chris that women are not objects!
Peter Griffin: Your mother's right Chris, listen to what it says.