Padre De Familia

Hello, I'm Tom Tucker.
And I'm Diane Simmons, reporting live
from the 35th annual Quahog Veteran's Day celebration.
And here comes the parade.
First up, a float from the Veterans of Future Wars.
And here comes whackadoo film director Oliver Stone.
Oliver's here promoting his new movie
Born on the Fourth of July II:
Born on the Fifth of July,
which he promises will be even "July-ier"
than the original.
A dangerously insane human being.
And here comes the next float, honoring uninjured veterans.
- We rock! - Our wives stayed with us!
- Think fast! - We did!
Mom, how come, when we see these guys on the street corner,
you tell me not to stare a and today that's all we're doing?
Because Chris, as Americans,
we owe our lives to these veterans.
Hey, look, Lois. The John McCain Experience.
I want to be president!
Mais qu'est ce que c'est ? What is that?
And I'm proud to be an American
Where at least I know I'm free
And I won't forget the men who died
Who gave that right to me
And I'll gladly stand up
Next to you and defend
her still today
Cause there ain't no doubt I love this land
God bless the U.S.A.
Oh, my God. That was beautiful.
I am proud to be an American,
and I am going to love my country like never before.
Anybody want to see my Purple Heart?
We now return to Superman V: The Broken Condom.
- Hey, Lois, ready to go to dinner? - Yeah, sure, just let me grab my purse.
Okay, ready.
Ooh, on second thought, I got something I got to do back on Krypton.
- I thought Kryptonwas destroyed. - I think we should see other people.
Good morning, my American family.
Peter, where did you getthat suit?
My God, you look like the Statue of Liberty's pimp.
This is how a patriot dresses, Lois.
Boy, I never knew it would feel this good to love my country.
It's like loving God or a stepparent.
You never really feel them love you back, but
that's okay because
they got other stuff going on, and you understand.
Peter, you do realize there's a difference between
loving America and being swept up
dans la parano post 9/11.
Brian, are you suggesting that 9/11 didn't change everything?
- What? No, I was just... - Because 9/11 changed everything, Brian.
9/11 changed everything.
Peter, you didn't even know what 9/11 was until 2004.
Peter, what the hell are you doing?
Lois, I am doing my duty as a patriotic American.
I'm sacrificing a goat to Toby Keith.
Peter, Toby Keith doesn't want to be fed.
Toby Keith wants to hunt.
Hey, listen, don't tell me what Toby Keith wants.
I think I'm perfectly capable...
You're all doing such a great job,
I wanted to play youa song I wrote
about what America means to me.
When you say U.S.A.
I just say hooray
And if you're not from here
God's gonna hunt you down and give you AIDS
U.S.A.
Wow, Peter, you're really becoming quite the patriot.
You bet I am.
I just had my penis tattooed to look like the space shuttle
and my nads tattooed to look like launch exhaust.
That bastard! That was my idea; he stole it.
I was going to do that to my penis.
Oh, well, maybe I can do something else
like-like... like the Space Needle
or a banana...
or a Sharpie.
Ah, I'm boring myself.
Guess I'll listen to some music.
Man, that reallymakes me mad--
illegal immigrants coming into this country,
taking all the good jobs away from Americans.
Well, I am goingto make sure people like that
stay out of Quahog from now on.
We are going to patrol the borders
and keep this townas clean as a Jewish porno.
I own four apartment buildings.
I have central air.
And a well-funded 401(k).
Oh... we are going to have sex at some point.
All right, guys, it's going to be a long night of border patrol,
so I brought along Michael McDonald to help us out.
How's he going to help us?
He's going to do backup vocals for everything we say.
How's he gonna know what we're saying? - How's he gonna know what we're saying
- Is he gonna do it for all of us? - Is he gonna do it for all of us?
Yeah, I hired him for the night. He costs like $250 an hour,
- so don't skimp on the conversation. - So don't skimp on the conversation.
That sounds nice.
Peter, why did you have my acupuncturist arrested?
Because he was an illegal immigrant
and a threat to our national security.
He was an 85-year-old Korean Buddhist.
Or was he supreme leader of al-Qaeda?
I guess we'll find out if he ever gets a trial.
Peter, America was founded by immigrants.
Everyone here is the descendant of an immigrant.
They're a vital part of our society.
They are part of theRebel Alliance and a traitor.
Take them away.
Peter, have you seen Stewie's Speedy Gonzales video?
He won't go tosleep without it.
- I threw it away. - What?!
What the hell, man?! I don't throw away your stuff.
- And where's my goat? - Peter, why would you do that?
Because Speedy Gonzales is an immigrant
and a bad influence on our children,
so I created his Americanequivalent
Rapid Dave.
- I got you now, mouse. - Yeah?
Well, up your ass, cat. Quickly, quickly,quickly, run fast!
Run fast, quickly!
Hey, Fuad, can I buy you a cup of coffee?
Oh-ho-ho, yes!
Is funny because is free.
- Anyone can have. - That's right.
- That's the joke. - Oh... yes.
Why, you son of a bitch.
- Angela, I have a complaint. - What is it, Griffin?
I think Fuad is an illegal immigrant,
and I cannot stand by while he steals wages
and opportunities from citizens.
I mean, this is an American company.
You don't see Nike or Microsoft or General Motors
or Ford or Boeing or Coca-Cola or Kellogg's
profiting from non-American labor.
Is funny because they all do.
You have a point, Griffin.
Maybe we should run a company-wide check
to make sure all our personnel are legal citizens.
Now you're talking, Angela.
This country needs more immigrants
like my cousin, Peter the pig, needs a new house.
Uh, I wouldn't do that if I were you.
- What? - I said, I wouldn't do that.
- I said knock it off! - Why?
Because I just made stool in there,
and if you blow it down, the whole woods is gonna stink.
Do you understand?
Do you understand me, sir?
Peter, what brings you here?
Hi, Mom.
Hey, uh, there'sa new policy at work
where everyone has to prove they're an American,
and I need my birth certificate.
Oh. Oh, dear.
Peter, sit down.
I don't know how to tell you this,
but you weren't born in America.
You were born in Mexico.
- What?! - When I found out
that your real father was a drunken Irishman,
I went to Mexico to terminate my pregnancy.
But God had other plans,
and you were born right there.
You were so beautiful, and I loved you.
But when I got back home,
I was so afraid of being judged by the community
that I never filled out the paperwork to make you a citizen
Mom... what are you saying?
Peter, as far as the US government is concerned,
you're an illegal Mexican immigrant.
Holy crap!
Looks like I've got myself in a bind.
How will I get out of this one?
Stick around,
'Cause we've got Cleveland And Quagmire,and Joe, and Mort
And all your cartoon pals...
Peter, how come you're not at work?
I got fired for being an illegal immigrant.
Oh, dear.
You know, Peter, you can always take a citizenship test.
I mean, if Wilmer Valderrama passed, it can't be that difficult.
Well, by that logic, Lois,
it can't be that difficult to nail Lindsay Lohan
I don't think it is.
Well, good news there.
All right, you want to head down to the INS?
So, give me the good news-- did I pass?
I'm afraid it doesn't look good for you, Señor Griffin.
So far, you've failed everything,
including the "Behaving like an American at the airport" test.
No, it wasn't bad.
Yeah, I'm on the way to the next plane now.
Yeah, I got a middle seat, so I'm gonna see if I can switch.
Ooh, a Subarro.
I'm gonna get a big, fat piece of pizza
so I got something to stuff in my face
while I'm reading USA Today.
The only thing remaining is the oral test,
which I will administer here.
Now, question number one, "Who discovered America?"
- Dick York? - No.
Dick Sargent. It was Dick Sargent.
Question number two, complete this sentence:
"The land of the free and the home of the blank."
- Home of the Whopper? - You've got to be kidding me.
Mr. Griffin, if you were truly an American, you would know our national anthem.
Now, wait a minute, he is too an American.
We've been married for almost 20 years.
Well, we hear that one a lot around here.
Of course there's a very easy way of detecting fraud.
Mr. Griffin, what is your wife's birthday?
Uh... eh... Gim-gim-gimme another one, gimme another one.
Where is your wife's hometown?
Uh... uh, uh,one more, one more.
What is your wife's favorite outdoor activity ?
Uh, things an overcoat would say.
Um, I'm covered with water.
- Things an umbrellawould say. - I'm-I'm...you wear me.
Uh, uh, uh, things a festive bow tie would say.
You wear me to keep you dry.
Uh, uh, things Speed Stick would say.
- I keep your head dry. - I said umbrella.
It's not umbrella.
Peter, what if I said
I keep your head dry, you wear me in the bathroom?
Shower cap.
- There you go. - Oh, man.
- Did you have fun? - I had fun, yeah.
All right, we'll be back after this.
Peter, what are you gonna do without a job?
We can't just keep eating into savings.
I'll just have to find a job for an illegal immigrant.
I can't believe this is happening to our family.
It's taken us all by surprise, Meg.
Like that realistic original ending to Dirty Dancing.
Nobody puts Baby in a corner.
I do, because I'm her father and she's 16.
- What are you, like 38? - Forty-one.
With these
Hungry eyes.
"Hotel maid wanted." Ah, sweet, I could do that.
Housekeeping.
- Housekeeping. - Come back later, please.
- Housekeeping? - Not now.
- Housekeeping! - Go away.
- I come in anyway? - No. Go away.
I come in anyway.
- Oh, my God! - I said no!
- Okay, I clean? - No! Get out of here!
- I clean now? - No!
- I stay and watch? - No!
- I get involved? - What?
I get involved with lady?
- What doyou think? - Turn around.
- I don't think so. - Okay.
- You lend me money? - No.
You drive my grandmother to doctor's appointment?
- No! No, I'm not doing that. - I stick finger in your mouth?
Housekeeping?
- Okay. - Okay.
"Nanny wanted."
Well, that sounds like a good job for an immigrant.
Michael, did you hear the good news?
We're getting a new nanny.
Oh, Jane, I'm ever so excited.
Do you suppose she'll be everything we've dreamed?
Oh, I do hope so.
I've always imagined the most beautiful...
Damn it!
Oh, Peter, you look exhausted.
I am, Lois.
Life as Mexican immigrant is brutal.
Even after seven jobs and joining Menudo,
I only made 25 bucks.
Now look, don't get upset,
but I've been so worried about you that I asked someone for help.
- Who? - Hello, fat ass.
Lois, immigrants don't take handouts.
They just takeone DVD a month from the house they're cleaning
until they have a respectable collection.
It's not a handout, it's a job.
Daddy employs lots of immigrants,
and he said you could work at the mansion.
Really?
Well, thanks lot, Mr. Pewterschmidt.
I promise I won't let you down.
Well, they all do eventually.
Except for Noriega. God bless him and his drug money.
I wish he were here today.
Hi, Mr. Pewterschmidt.
Oh, look who it is! Come hereso I can give you a hug.
Come here so can give you a hug.
- Ah, there they are. - Hi, Mom.
Hi grandma.
- Grandma. - I've missed you.
Peter, I'm using you as a house immigrant,
so take my family's luggage to their rooms
and then go get settled down at the servants quarters.
Right away, Mr. Pewterschmidt, sir.
Daddy, we don't want any special treatment.
We're here as a family, and we're gonna live as a family.
Are you serious?
We come to a mansion, and you want to live with the help?
Ugh, that's like going to a strip club on a Tuesday afternoon.
Is there anyone here who hasn't had a C-section?
Oh, no, that boy's ball fell out of the cup.
Oh, but it's okay
because the ball is on a string and attached to the cup.
Hola! You must be the Griffins.
I am Gerardo, the head groundskeeper.
You must be exhausted.
Come, come, let's get you to your new home.
Hey, Senorita!
You got nice bread dough legs!
I got a blank prescription pad!
See, this isn't so bad.
Not so bad?
We're sharing a toolshed with seven other families.
They're making the best of it.
Good morning, Mr. Pewterschmidt.
It's 8:00 and I'm ready for work.
Good. Have a seat. Drink that.
- What is it? - My blood.
I'm a diabetic, and I need you to test it.
- Isn't that dangerous? - I don't know. Probably.
- I don't want to. - You work for me.
- Now, drink it. - No.
Drink my diabetic blood, Peter, or you're fired.
Aw! I can't believe you really did that.
Aw, that's nasty. You're nasty.
Peter! How was your first day?
Horrible. I never worked so hard in my life.
How the hell do you guys do this every day?
Immigrant life sucks.
But, Peter, life in America is wonderful.
That is why we risk everything to come here.
I don't know, Cheech. It seems like a lot of work for no respect.
Peter, America is theland of opportunity.
There are tall buildings, cheeseburgers
and Fox's many hit comedy series,
including That '70s Show,
and, uh...
But let me ask you something: Don't you missyour home?
Of course.
We come to America for financial opportunities, Peter,
but someday we will return to Mexico
because our heritage is rich and glorious.
Wait-wait, hang on a second.
Are you saying there's more to being Mexican
than working hard and lusting after big asses?
There is, Peter.
In fact, we are preparing our Cinco de Mayo celebration.
As a Mexican, you must experience it with us.
Well, kids, enjoy yourselves.
Cinco de Mayo is as Mexican as it gets.
Wow, this is awesome!
And later, I'm gonna go lift free weights in a parking lot!
Oh, Peter, I'm so proud
that you've embraced these people as your own.
You've come a long way from hating foreigners.
Well, Lois, life can surprise you if you open your mind a little.
For example, I used to hate the Japanese,
but then I saw Lou Diamond Phillips in Young Guns
and now I don't hate them anymore.
Peter, I don't think that Lou Diamond Phillips is Japanese.
Eh, Chinese, Japanese, dirty knees, look at these.
Hey, what do you say we get some of them burritos?
Oh, muñequita.
I would love to feel your mustache on my mustache.
Really?
Well, there's a lot more body hair where that came from.
Oh, well, then no, thank you.
What the hell is going on here?
Why aren't you people working?
It's Cinco de Mayo, Mr. Pewterschmidt.
Look, I don't care what day it is Mexico,
in America we work on weekdays.
Now, do your jobs
or I'll deport your lazy asses back to the Third World.
Wait a minute, hang on, everybody.
What he just said does not represent the America that I know and love.
This country used to welcome our kind with open arms.
But men like Carter Pewterschmidt use us for cheap labor,
and then-and then try to punish us
when we demand to be treated like human beings.
Well, no more!
Immigrants built this country,
and I say it's time for us to take it back!
Who's with me?!
Could you say whole speech again in Spanish?
What the hell is that?
Get out, the way, Mr. Pewterschmidt.
We are here to take what's ours.
Well, I mean, technically it's yours, but
we don't feel like you deserve it,
so, we're calling it ours and taking it anyway.
But, Peter, why would you want to harm a fellow American citizen?
- What?! - All I have to do is
make one call to friend of mine in Washington,
and he can push your paperwork through.
You'll officially be an American citizen.
Not good enough, Mr. Pewterschmidt.
I want citizenship for everyone here.
Peter, you do not have to do this.
Yes, I do, Gerardo.
This great land should be everything to you that it is to me.
A land where a man is paid a wage he can live on.
A land where we flush every time.
A land where 17 miles is not walking distance.
A land where meals are not purchased from a truck
and then eaten in a different truck.
All right, all right, you make your point.
It's getting a little offensive.
That's my only offer. Take it or leave it.
Peter, you must go.
We will find our own way.
I'll never forget you, Gerardo.
Boy, I sure am gonna miss Reynaldo.
But I'm glad I'm finally an American again.
Being an immigrant is areal pain in the ass.
I'm glad too, Peter.
But I did enjoy learning about another culture.
Yeah, you know, so did I.
Well, I guess everything's back to normal.
Oh, man, not this guy again.
Fa-art!