Blind Ambition

Theme Song
Cleveland: I must say, I do feel a strange satisfaction watching the black ball topple all those self-righteous white pins.
Joe: Can't blame them for being self-righteous. The black ball's in their neighborhood uninvited.
Cleveland: The black ball's done nothing wrong.
Joe: If the black ball's innocent, it has nothing to fear.
Peter looks at the bowling ball returner.
Peter: Huh. Wonder what the hell's down there. Peter sticks his head inside. Judd Hirsch?
Judd Hirsch: Uh... hey.
Peter: What, uh... What's goin' on?
Judd Hirsch: Nothin'.
Peter: All right.
Lois: Hi, boys! Your ride is here.
Peter: Hey, you're just in time. Mort's one ball away from a perfect game.
Mort: Oh, God, the pressure's too much. I just lost control of my bladder. Oh, why didn't I clothespin the end of my penis like Muriel told me to?
Cleveland: Oh, my God, you bowled a perfect game.
Group: Mort!
Joe: Grr-yeah!
Group: All right, Mort!
Mort: I just never stopped believing. Say no to acid!
Peter: Geez, relax, Mort. You'd think you were God Himself.
Mort: No, He's over there.
God: Hey. You wanna see what I can do? All right, ready? Check it out. Beer. Glass. All right? Now watch this. Oh, Hey, guess I'll go over here for a minute. (Humming) Oh, holy crap, that's still pouring itself. Oh, wow. Oh, that's amazing. I've never seen anyone do that. You wanna go out later?
Lois: I'll be right back. I'm gonna go tinkle.
Peter: Okay, everybody ready? Hey, where's Quagmire? In the bathroom. Lois searches for a toilet seat cover but there are none. She has to use toilet paper instead.
Quagmire: giggety-gig... Gig-gig-giggy. Giggety-gig, gig, giggety, giggety. (Groaning) Would you just sit down and go to the bathroom, already?!
Lois looks up.(Shrieks)
Diane Simmons: A scandal at the Quahog Bowling Alley tonight, where a local man, Glenn Quagmire, was charged with peeping in the ladies' room.
Tom Tucker: Coming up: Diane's weight.
Officer: He's all yours, Joe.
Joe: You know, you're lucky I've got some extra pull around here thanks to my eighteen medals for heroism.
Peter: Sheesh, there he goes again with the medals. Hey, Joe, if you love your medals so much, why don't you marry 'em? (Chuckles) I-I did something like that once.
Cut Scene. Peter is talking to a lawyer.
Lawyer: And in the event of your death, you'd like the insurance policy to be paid to your wife?
Peter: Yep.
Lawyer: And your wife is this piece of pie?
Peter: You got it. Love you.
Lawyer: Okay... sign here.
Peter has pie on his face.
Peter: You know what? You can probably go ahead and cancel that.
End Cut Scene
Lois: Well, well, look who's here.
Peter: All right, all right. Look, I know an apology is due here. So, Lois, tell Quagmire you're sorry you had him arrested.
Lois: Excuse me? He's the one who owes me an apology. He was watching me go to the bathroom!
Peter: Well, clearly he thinks you're attractive, Lois. It's a positive thing. Thank you, Glenn, for complimenting our family.
Loretta: We have had it with his disrespect for women. We're petitioning the city to have him removed from the neighborhood.
Bonnie: Yeah. I don't want to bring a new baby into the world with him running around.
Peter: Okay, first of all, Bonnie, you've been pregnant for, like, six years, all right, either have the baby or don't. Second of all, Quagmire's a good guy. He's just a little mixed up.
A giant chicken leaps at Peter from off-screen and attacks him.
The two engage in a fist fight down Spooner Street.
...
Man: This isn't medium-rare.
Woman: Then have them take it back.
Peter and the chicken fall through the glass ceiling. ...
Peter protects himself as the propeller approaches the chicken. The chicken turns around and yells and is struck by the propeller. Peter walks away into the horizon, and the chicken's talon twitches.
Peter: Sorry about that. Second of all, Quagmire's a good guy. You know, he's just a little mixed up, that's all. Come on, give him another chance, yeah?
Lois: All right, but one more incident like the one at the bowling alley, and Quagmire is out of this neighborhood.
Peter: Now don't worry about a thing, Quagmire. Your pals are gonna help you change your ways.
Quagmire: I don't know, Peter. I'm not sure I can do this. He sees trees and things transform into beautiful women. Then he sees Meg. Meg, get out of the way. A fire hydrant turns into a beautiful woman.
Cleveland: All right, Glenn, this exercise should help teach you self-control.
Joe: Here's this month's Victoria's Secret catalogue.
Quagmire: Oh, God! Oh, God! Uh, uh, uh, dead kittens, dead kittens! Uh, old nuns. Really old nuns. Uh, Renee Zellweger! Oh, there we go.
Peter: Heyyy, good, good, good.
Joe: Uh, yeah.
Lois: Peter, are you sure Quagmire is ready to be out in public?
Peter: Nothing to worry about, Lois. We figured out a foolproof rehabilitation method. I got the idea from when Brian had to wear that cone after his operation.
Stewie: Okay, okay. If I make this, we're all gonna get laid... ha-ha! Yes! Score! Score!
Brian: Boy, I'd really like to chew on my crotch right now.
Peter: Okay, Quagmire, time to take off your training wheels.
Quagmire: *Sighs* OK. I think I'm ready. Quagmire sees lots of attractive girls in the mall. He groans. Oh, boy.
Peter: What's the matter, Glenn?
Quagmire: Uh... nothing.
Three cheerleaders are standing by a fountain.
Cheerleader: Oh, Stacey, you dropped your pom-pom in the water.
Second cheerleader: I'll get it for you.
Stacey: I'll come with you.
Cheerleader: Me, too.
Second Cheerleader: But wait a minute. We don't want to get our sweaters all wet. Better take 'em off.
The three lift their sweaters off.
Stacey: Splash fight!
They splash each other and begin kissing.
Quagmire: *moans* I-I need... I need some air! I need some air! (panting) (screams) Naked plastic chicks! (screams) Where... Where am I? Am I dead?
Security Guard: No, this is where we monitor all the dressing rooms in the mall, so we can keep an eye out for shoplifters.
Quagmire: You don't say. Oh my God, that one's having a heart attack!
(coughing) That was amazing! You saved her life!
Thank God you know CPR!
Quagmire: What the hell's CPR?
Horace: Congratulations, Quagmire. You're the newest member of my Wall of Fame.
Joe: What's wrong, Peter?
Peter: Oh, it's nothing, Joe. It's... I dunno... it's just that... all you guys have something to be Proud of, you know? Quagmire got a key to the city. Mort bowled a perfect game. You're always getting medals for catchin' crooks. Hell, even Cleveland used to be an accomplished auctioneer.
Cleveland: very rapidly I have 125. Do I hear 130? 130,000 For this authentic Comanche headdress? I got one-30. I got one-30. Do I hear one-35? One-40. Do I hear one-for...? An assistant knocks over a totem pole whic knocks Cleveland in the head. He changes to a slow monotone. One-35 going once.
Peter: I'm the only one here who's got nothin'. You know, if I died tomorrow, there's nothin' people would remember me for.
Cleveland: Not if you jumped off a skyscraper and landed on Joan Cusack. People would say, "Hey, remember that guy who landed on Joan Cusack?"
Peter: Well, things are gonna change. From this day forth, people are gonna know the name Peter Griffin. Even If I have to shout it from the rooftops. On the roof of The Drunken Clam You hear that, world?! I am gonna do something that people will remember me for! He loses his balance and falls over the edge. Whoa! Oh, oh, God. Sorry, sorry... Hey! Joan Cusack! Hello? Uh-oh. He stuffs Joan Cusack's body in a mailbox and walks away.
Brian: Peter, If you just let me talk, I'll explain to you why you shouldn't do this.
Peter: Later, later, Brian. I gotta do something people will remember me for. Which is why I've invented a new type of flying machine.
Stewie: You know, I vaguely recall seeing footage somewhere of something exactly like this that, uh... leads me to believe this probably won't work.
Peter: All right, stewie, let 'er rip!
Stewie starts the flying machine. I crashes and he goes flying into a tree. He views Keebler elves.
Elves: Ya! All right, we attack the Rice Krispy guys at dawn. Assuming Judd Hirsch delivers the goods.
Peter: Brian, this time I think I got just the thing people will remember me for. I am gonna stop pollution with my new, lovable character, Gary the No-trash Cougar. Yelling: pick up your trash! screaming: I wanna know whose cup this is! I said, I wanna know whose cup this is! A frightened girl timidly raises her hand. Pick it up! Pick it up, pick it up, pick it up! gently: Thank you, sweetie. See what a nicer place this is when we all pitch in? Like Gary the No-trash Cougar says: give a larbage, throw out your garbage. Spread the word! He fires his gun into the air and leaves the room.
Pop: Those freakin' elves, man. They just came out of the trees, man. They just came out of the trees.
Crackle: You saved my ass back there.
Pop: You saved mine.
Crackle: Here's to Snap.
Crackle: To Snap.
Peter: Ah, this sucks. I've been workin' on this all week and I keep comin' up dry. Who am I kiddin'? I'm never gonna be remembered for anything. Not like my great, great uncles, the siamese twins who fought each other in the Civil War.
Cut Scene. Two Griffins are attached at the hip, one in Union regalia and one in Confederate eregalia.
Uncle 1: I'm seceding!
Uncle 2: Like hell you are!
Uncle 2 shoots Uncle 1. The next scene is 5 years later. The skeleton of Uncle 1 is still attached to Uncle 2.
Barkeeper: Not too smart, huh?
Uncle 2: Yeah. Did not think that one through.
Cut back to the bar.
Cleveland:Peter, you have to stop comparing yourself to other people and find out what's special about you.
'Tom Tucker: (on TV) In sadder news, the man who held the Guinness World Record for most drugs ever done by a single human being died today. He was attacked by a pack of wild dogs... he thought he saw.
Mort: Ooh, there you go, Peter. You could break a world record.
Peter: What are you, nuts? I got no special talents. What can I do that nobody else does?
Horace the Bartender: Well, you just ate my tip.
Peter: I got it!
Cut to the Griffin family driving in the car. Peter begins to swallow a roll of nickels
Lois: Peter, you're really putting away those Mentos.
Peter: Oh, these aren't Mentos, Lois. Everybody, you're lookin' at a guy who's gonna set a new world record. I am gonna eat more nickels than anyone has ever eaten before! Settin' this world record is gonna make me famous. Just like the world's fattest twins over there.
Right Fat Twin: Did I tell you that I'm doing Atkins?
Left Fat Twin: Oh, that's not good for you.
Cut to Griffins at home.
Peter begins to shake his stomach rhythmically.
Meg: Dad, I just don't hear it.
Peter: C'mon!
Brian: Really, Peter. It just doesn't...
Peter: You're telling me that doesn't sound like "Camptown Races"?!
Brian: Not one bit.
Chris: (Laughs) Do "Short People."
Stewie: Ugh, this is the worst use of money since I tricked out my big wheel.
Cut to a playground with two girls playing hopscotch. Bass-heavy rap music begins to play as Stewie rides up on his big wheel with a massive speaker attached to the back. The big wheel then begins to act as though it has hydraulics.
Stewie: Hey, ladies! Check out this ride! Huh?! Yeah! I'm off to make trouble for the establishment!
Back to the Griffin home, outside Peter and Lois's room.
Peter: I love you, Lois.
Lois: Ooo, I love you too Peter. Even if you are full of nickels.
Coins begin to jingle rhythmically, steadily they begin to get faster and faster until suddenly they stop.)
Peter: Good night, honey.
Coins jingle once more
Peters alarm clock goes off, Peter reaches over to turn it off. Peter then opens his eyes, a worried look appears on is face as he gets out of bed and begins to wave his hands infront of his face
Peter: Oh my God! Lois! I can't see!
Cut to the Health Care Center.
Dr. Hartman: Uh, how about now?
Peter: No, nothin'.
Dr. Hartman: Well, that makes me feel much better. You can't see the spaceship, either. My cousin Marshall insists if you look past the picture, you can see a spaceship...
Lois: Can you please just tell us what's wrong with my husband?
Dr. Hartman: Oh, yes. Uh, well, you see, after ingesting such a large number of metal coins, Mr. Griffin appears to have succumbed to nickel poisoning, causing him to lose his sight.
Peter: Oh my God, Lois. I'm blind as a bat! I can't see a damn thing.
Tumbler Man: You know what else you can't see? The writing on the wall. Vaudeville's dead. And TV's the box they're gonna bury it in. Back then, everybody had a specialty. I, for one, am a tumbler. Watch me leap through this big hoop.
The Tumbler Man holds up a big hoop and attempts to tumble through it only to fall flat on his face
Tumbler Man: Vamp, vamp!
Camera pans to the other side of the room revealing a piano with a pianist who beings to play ragtime music
Lois: So we're all gonna have to pitch in and help your father out, now that he's lost his sight.
Meg: Nobody took care of me when I lost my arms and legs and was struck blind, deaf and dumb.
Cut to Peter & Meg on the couch, Meg without arms or legs.
Peter: Hey, Hey, Meg, they got a Happy Days spoof in here, but they call it Crappy Days. (Laughing)
Meg contines to lay still, only twitching slightly.
Peter: All right, you know what? If you're not gonna laugh, then I'm not gonna keep you company.
Back to the current day Peter on the couch with family.
Peter: This sucks. Now the only thing anybody's gonna remember me for after I die is being, "That Blind Guy."
Brian: Don't give up yet, Peter. I mean, many blind people lead rich, fulfilling lives.
Peter: Oh, I don't know, Brian. I mean, I guess I can give it a shot.
Peter gets up to walk around. Stewie however quickly pushes a footstool into his path causing Peter to fall on his face
Stewie: (Laughs) Oh my God! I almost didn't do it. I almost didn't do it. I thought, is this in bad taste? But you know what, I went for it. I went for it and I am so glad I did. Ohh, worth it, totally worth it.
Cut to that night. Peter wanders out of the bathroom and begins to look for his room. Finds what he thinks is his room and enters what is actualy Chris's room.
Peter: Still awake, Lois, honey?
Chris: Dad?
Peter: Thats right, I'm your daddy. Shh, shh, shh; don't talk, Lois, don't talk. Just let me do all the work. Yeah, you feel my warm breath on the nape of your neck? My hands on your big soft boobs, moving down your big man like che--
Peter suddenly jumps out of bed
Peter: Holy crap, it's Chris! Uh, ah, so, ah... how ya doing? You do all your homework? Finish all your subjects?
Chris: Yes, sir.
Peter: Good, Just, uh, just checkin'. Have a good night, son.
Peter backs out of Chris's room and heads back down the hall only to enter another room.
Peter: You still awake, honey?
Stewie: What the deuce?
Cut to the next morning.
Brian: Peter, what the hell is that?
Peter: Ah, this is my seeing eye dog, Brutus.
Brian: What do you need a seeing eye dog for?
Peter: Well, 'cause I can't do anything for myself, Brian. I can't drive, I don't know when to cross the street, and I took a dump in the church confessional, which I guess they frown upon If you're not homeless. I thought I could deal with being blind at first, but I don't know. I... I haven't felt this out of place since that week I lived with Superman.
Cut to Supermans Lair
Superman: We must stop Lex Luthor before he irradiates the world's supply of gold.
Peter: Uh, Hi. Uh, sorry. I know you got a meetin' going on, but, um... So, we are officially running low on Mr. Pibb and Cheez-its. So, um, just putting it out there If you're heading to the store later. Uh... you know, uh... 800 mile drive for me, like, uh, five seconds for you. Whatever. I'm not here.
Back in the living room.
Brian: Peter, this is something you're still adjusting to. You can't expect to get used to it overnight.
Peter: Whatever you say, Brian. I'm going to the Clam.
Exit Peter, enter Lois
Lois: Did Peter leave?
Brian: Yeah. Boy, he's really down about this.
Lois: Oh, I know. I'm so worried about him. I've been looking into support groups we could join to help him...
Brian: Are you... are-are you not wearing makeup?
Lois: Oh, no. I just... You know, since Peter went blind, it's actually been kinda nice not to have to worry about my appearance.
Brian: I see.
Lois: Is it really noticeable?
Brian: Well, a... little mascara wouldn't kill you.
Lois: (chuckles) I was kinda thinking I'd try an au natural thing.
Brian: You think, uh... You think you have the skin for that?
Cut to The Drunken Clam, a woman sits at the bar trying to light a cigarette.
God: Oh, uh, let me light that for you, babe.
God points to the tip of the cigarette as a lightnight bolt comes down from the sky.
Woman: Wow.
God: Yeah, magic fingers.
God chuckles slyly and inadvertently points his finger at the woman, causing a lightning bolt to strike her, she explodes in a ball of fire causing the bar to catch fire.
God: Jesus Christ!
Jesus: What?
God: Get the Escalade. We're outta here.
Everyone runs out of the bar screaming as Peter arrives. Brutus (Peters seeing eye dog) attempts to pull Peter away from the burning building.
Peter: Come on, girl. I'm thirsty.
Brutus:(barks)
Peter: All right, you don't wanna come in? Fine. I'll just tie you to this parking meter.
Peter ties Brutus to a homeless man. As Peter enters the bar a car drives by with another dog inside. The dog in the car barks at Brutus causing Brutus to chase after the car, dragging the yelling homeless man along
Back inside the bar Peter sits down at a bar stool. The camera shows Horace trapped under a fallen wooden beam.
Peter: Hey, Horace. Um, I'll have a Pawtucket Patriot.
Horace: (groaning)
Peter: So, how's your hammer hanging? (sniffing) Hey, somebody smokin' in here? Huh. Oh, hey, y-you ever watch that show "Scrubs"? Yeah, Lois had it on the other night, and I was kinda fading in and out, but, uh, you know, I was watchin' and I'm wonderin'... Which one is the funny guy?
Horace: (Grunts) Peter, grab my hand!
Peter: Geez, Horace, you been drinkin'?
Horace: Grab it and pull! Come on! Let's go!
Peter pulls Horace from under the reckage and takes him outside to onlooking reporters.
Tom Tucker: And here comes the heroic blind man. Tell us, sir, how did you summon the courage to save your friend from that burning building?
Peter: That freakin' place was on fire?!
Tom Tucker: And there you have it. Coming up next... Watch me shave.
Peter wanders over towards Lois & Brian.
Lois: Oh! Peter, you're all right! Oh, I am so proud of you for saving Horace's life.
Brian: Yeah, Peter, you were amazing.
Peter: Huh. You know, Brian, I guess I was. And you know what else? People are gonna remember me for this.
Cut to award ceremony where music similar to that of the Star Wars: A New Hope ending theme is playing. Peter begins walking towards the front of the audience with Chewbacca at his side. Chewbacca turns and growls at Mort Goldman, Mort cringes. Peter and Chewbacca contine to walk towards Mayor Adam West and Lois. Peter reaches Mayor Adam West where the two exchange glances. Peter continues by exchanging glances with Lois and then once more by exchaning glances with C3PO. Peter nods and bends down to recieve his medal from Adam West. Camera cuts back to C3PO who now has R2D2 at his side. R2D2 makes his standard set of noises causing Peter to laugh. Camera zooms out to show C3PO, R2D2, Lois, Peter, Mayor Adam West & Chewbacca. Chewbacca growls once more. The audiance in attendance begins clapping and the music begins to draw to a close. Credits roll in iconistic Star Wars fashion.