A Fish Out of Water

Theme Song
Lois: Peter, this is ridiculous. I know you're upset about losing your job, but you've been sitting on that couch for two weeks.
Peter: I have not, Lois.
Brian: He's right. It's actually been more like...yeah, 13 days.
Lois: Well you at least have do something other than sitting there eating.
Peter: All right, all right. Brian, let's go for a walk.
[Forklift beeping]
Meg: [Sobbing]
Lois: Meg, sweetheart, what's wrong?
Meg: My life. That's what's wrong. I was totally humiliated at school today.
Principal Shepherd: Okay, we're gonna do a little informal survey here, kids. Would those of you going away for spring break please move to the left of the room? [Repeats request in Spanish]
Lois: Oh, Meg, what do those kids know?
Meg: They know how to have a good time.
Lois: Well, so do we. I'll tell you what. How about you and I have our own little spring break? We'll go to that fancy new spa that just opened up in Warwick. Massages and facials. Ah! It'll be great. What do you say?
Meg: I guess it couldn't be worse than last year when we all went to Sea World.
Lois: [Laughing]
Peter: And how long has this been going on?
[down at the docks]
Peter: Lois is right. I've been out of work too long.
Brian: I think you should find something you really enjoy doing. Take those guys out there, for example.
Peter: Where? Oh, yeah. Now, that's a job. Fresh sea air, working outside. That's how a real New England man makes a living.
Brian: Well, maybe that's something to think about, Peter.
Jake Tucker: What's that, Daddy?
Tom Tucker: That's Mercury, Jake. The planet closest to the sun. What it's doing down here by the wharf, I haven't the foggiest. We should probably ask a scientist...
Peter: I'm a guy, you jackass!
[Griffin yard]
Peter: Yeah, that feels good.
Lois: Chris, don't forget to mist under his chins.
Stewie: Oh, boy, Lois! It's a real mess down there. I'm afraid I not going to be able to do this in the time I quoted you earlier.
Peter: Chris, shut the hose off for a second. Everybody, I have an announcement. I am gonna drop this weight and rejoin the workforce. I have decided to become a professional fisherman.
Lois: What? Why a fisherman?
Peter: It makes perfect sense, Lois. You know how much time I've spent on the ocean.
[Peter as castaway, adrift on raft]
Peter: Wilson! What are we gonna do now? Wilson! Wilson!
Voit: My name is Voit, dumb ass.
Stewie: Hello, Doreen? Yeah, I'm still over at the Griffin job. Listen, tell Walter I'm not going to be able to make it to the construction site. I don't know. Have him send Frank, or Glen, or Harelip Steve. I know, it creeps me out, too.
Peter: So you think I can find a boat here, huh, Joe?
Joe: Yeah. You wouldn't believe what we confiscate from these crooks.
Auctioneer: Welcome. We open today's bidding with this pair of panties confiscated from a prostitute.
Quagmire: $50!
Auctioneer: She had nine STDs.
Quagmire: $45.
Auctioneer: And when we caught her, she wet herself.
Quagmire: $50.
Cleveland: Excuse me. Are you gonna sell anything that's not gross?
Auctioneer: And now our next item. Please direct your attention to this photo of a beautiful 40-foot fishing boat.
Peter: Oh, man! That's perfect!
Man: $12,000!
Peter: $13,000!
Man 2: $25,000!
Peter: [Whimpering]
Auctioneer: Sold for $25,000!
Man 2: Yes!
Peter: Crap!
Man 2: Thanks.
Auctioneer: And now the actual boat itself. Do I have an opening bid for the boat?
Peter: $50,000!
Auctioneer: Sold for $50,000!
Joe: Good for you, Peter.
[Applause]
[One person clapping]
Shamus: Congratulations. You've just bought yourself a cursed boat.
Peter: Cursed?
Shamus: The last captain of that vessel lost his life. And it weren't no accident! His name was Salty. And he was devoured by Daggermouth, the man-eating blowfish. You want to buy that boat? Go ahead. But don't expect me to fish your dead body from an angry sea that gave you fair warning.
Peter: Are you up for bids, too? You are just precious.
Lois: Are you gonna miss me?
Peter: Only until I go to the newsstand and buy a Hustler.
Lois: All right, I left you the number for the spa. See you in a few days.
Meg: Not if I strangle myself with a seaweed wrap and die.
Peter: You are dark!
Brian: Peter, you haven't told me how you expect to pay for that boat.
Peter: Don't worry, Brian. There's got to be 100 banks that'll give me a loan.
[Gunfire and screaming]
Peter: Wow! So, you can really give me a loan?
Jim Kaplan: I sure can. You see, Mr. Griffin, what sets us apart from other banks is that other banks are banks. Now, I trust you have collateral.
Peter: Um, I got three kids.
Jim Kaplan: I'll take them. Just kidding. Or maybe I'm not. Sign this. Here you go. Good luck!
[Bell ringing]
Jim Kaplan: So, what do you want on your thigh?
Biker: I want a skull.
Jim Kaplan: Okay. Well, I can draw Kermit the Frog. How about a nice Kermit the Frog?
Biker: No. I want a skull.
Jim Kaplan: Okay, well, I'm gonna go ahead and do Kermit the Frog.
Meg: Mom, this is so lame.
Lois: Come on, Meg. Try to have fun. I promise after a few days here you won't even remember the words "spring break". How about some TV?
MTV VJ: This is MTV and we're rocking at spring break!
VH1 VJ: This is VH1 and we're rocking at spring break.
Bernard Shaw: ...leaving thousands injured. For CNN, I'm Bernard Shaw...keeping it real and kicking ass at spring break! Whoo!
Meg: [sighing]
Peter: There she is, boys. The S.S. More Powerful than Superman, Batman, Spiderman, and the Incredible Hulk Put Together.
Hennessey: Yes, she's a fine vessel. Welcome to the wharf. Name's Hennessey.
Peter: Hi there. Peter Griffin. My friends call me Peter for short.
Hennessey: I'll let you in on a little secret, neighbor. The best fishing is at latitude 42, longitude 71. Keep that to yourself.
Peter: Oh, wow! Thanks. I'll see you, fellows. I got some fish to catch. Let's see. Latitude 42, longitude 71. This is it. What the hell?
Boy: Papa, he killed Mordecai the Dancing Yiddish Clown!
Father: Stop crying! You just became a man. Now, act like one!
Peter: Hey, Hennessey, what's the big idea sending me to that Bar Mitzvah?
Hennessey: Because I don't like you! And I don't like your face! We don't need any more fishermen crowding up this wharf!
Peter: Oh, well, fine, Hennessey! You want an enemy, you got one!
Hennessey: Fine!
Stewie: There we are. Hey, Steve, you ever think of growing a moustache?
Hennessey: Nice fish you got there, Griffin. What are you selling? Your bait?
Peter: Nice face, Hennessey. Yes! Me, one. You, zero. Hey!
Man: Wow! How do you do it?
Peter: You're very nice to ask. First I hang the old worm out there. They usually go for it. So, I jerk them around a little. They fight for a while. And then they just lay back and accept it.
Man: How about we get together later?
Peter: Um, okay. What the hell? Oh, damn it! Hey! What's going on here?
Brian: Peter, did you read the fine print on this loan contract?
Peter: If by "read" you mean "imagined a naked lady," then yes.
Brian: Peter, listen, the bank's taking all our stuff. And according to this if you don't pay them within 48 hours, they get the house, too.
Chris: Oh, boy! I get to go live at the bank!
Lois: Meg, Did I ever tell you that if you're on birth control and you take an antibiotic it makes it not work? Because no one told me. I thought you should know.
Meg: Look, Mom, I don't really feel like talking right now. Okay?
Lois: Fine. I just don't understand why we had to leave the spa so early.
Meg: Look, I just want to go home and spend the next three days in solitary confinement where I belong!
Lois: [sighing] Well, I tried.
Meg: Mom, what the hell are we doing here?
Lois: This is where you wanted to be. Right, honey?
Meg: Yeah. But not with you!
Spring Breaker: Hey, did you hear what happened to the dude from UMass? He got so drunk he fell off his hotel balcony! He's in a coma!
Spring Breaker 2: Oh, man! I want to party with him!
Spring Breaker: You know it! Yeah!
Spring Breakers: [Intense hollering]
Connie: Hey, look. Meg made it, you guys.
Cool girl: Yeah. And she brought her mommy.
Meg: Oh, my God!
Lois: Come on, Meg! Get out of the car! Like the kids say, up your nose with a rubber hose!
Spring Breaker: Hey, look, everybody. It's Spuds MacKenzie! [Screaming]
Brian: That's the last of the furniture.
Peter: No TV. I miss my friends. John Ritter, and Florence Henderson, and Alfonso Ribeiro.
Brian: Is he the guy from Silver Spoons?
Peter: Um, no, well, he was on French Prince of Bel-Air....
Brian: Fresh Prince.
Peter: Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. But I don't know if he was also on... Hey, Alfonso.
Alfonso Ribeiro: Yeah?
Peter: Were you on Silver Spoons?
Alfonso Ribeiro: Yes, I was.
Peter: Oh, there you go.
Lois: Come on. Just a little higher, honey.
Meg: Mom, I don't think I can...
Spring Breaker: Hey, who's holding Lois?
Spring Breaker 2: I don't know. Some dude named Mel.
Carson Daly: This is Carson Daly. And we're live here at spring break. Who wants to party? Okay, one, two, three, four, five.... Okay, we're gonna need cake and juice for 14 people. All right, now let's go to Tom Green who's gonna do something really outrageous!
Tom Green: Does anyone out there like me yet? Can I stop this?
Peter: Hey, what the hell are you doing in my house?
Jim: Your house? This is my house. My wife and I bought it from the bank.
Peter: I still got another day to pay back the loan.
Jim: The bank said it wouldn't matter because you're a fat deadbeat loser.
Peter: Fat deadbeat loser? Well, sir, while I may not agree with what you say, I'll defend to the death your right to say it.
Abby: There we are. It's a van Gogh print. Isn't it beautiful?
Stewie: Oh, yes, I've often fantasized about what this house would be like with more culture.
[Griffin men all in morning coats and top hats]
Stewie: The port is quite good.
Brian: Quite good.
Chris: Indeed.
Peter: Most certainly.
Brian: What year is it?
Chris: '51.
Peter: Ah.
Stewie: Delectable.
Brian: Indeed.
Chris: Yes.
Peter: Oh, dear!
Brian: What is it?
Peter: I've spontaneously combusted.
Stewie: well, I am Sorry.
Peter: Oh, it's quite all right. I'm tired of living.
Stewie: Ah, very good then.
Chris: For the best.
Brian: Yes, indeed.
Stewie: Is it raining again?
Rabbi: Did you hear the one about us?
Connie: Wow! You are such a good dancer.
Cool girl: Way to go on that beer bong.
Cool guy: Yeah, no fake. No fake.
Meg: Mom!
Lois: Hey! What are you doing here?
Meg: What am I doing here? I've been waiting out here for hours!
Lois: What?
Meg: You were supposed to pop inside "real quick" and find someone who looked enough like me so I could use their ID. And then you were supposed to come out and give me the ID so I could get inside.
Lois: What?
Meg: God, it's like talking to a 3-year-old!
Lois: Oh, you know what? You need to learn how to loosen up a little, toots.
Meg: Yeah, I get the feeling you're loose enough for us both.
Lois: What?
Meg: Nothing.
Lois: That's right nothing. Don't you sass me!
[Phone ringing]
Chris: Good evening. Stevenson residence.
Meg: Chris, honey, we've been over this a thousand times. It's pronounced "Griffin."
Chris: Hi, Mom!
Lois: Hi, Chris. Put your father on.
Chris: Hey, Dad?
Jim: And the French guy says, "Deodorant? What's that?"
Stewie: All right. All right. I've got one. I've got one. Okay. Two men are standing at the Pearly Gates. Oh, God, wait! How did that one go? Oh, well, anyway, it turns out they're Siegfried and Roy. I'm no good at telling jokes.
Chris: Dad, it's Mom.
Peter: Oh, God! Please be Somerset Maugham. Please be Somerset Maugham. Hello?
Lois: Peter?
Peter: Damn!
Lois: I was just calling to check in with my boys, see how you guys are doing.
Peter: We're fine.
Lois: What's all the noise?
Peter: Nothing. Nothing. [plays tape recording of Lois speaking] "Peter, I need you to take out the trash!" Okay, Lois! Lois, I got to go! Holy crap, Brian! What am I gonna do? Lois is gonna be home in a couple of days and we're getting kicked out of the house tomorrow.
Brian: What do you suggest?
Peter: Get out your ring.
Brian: Peter, that's not gonna...
Peter: Come on!
Both: Wonder Twin powers, activate!
Peter: Form of steam!
Brian: Peter, we got these in a box of Franken Berry.
Jim: A jackal! Jackal! It's a jackal! It looks like a jackal! Jackal? Jackal? It's a jackal! Jackal?
Abby: Time!
Stewie: It wasn't right the first time you said it! Why the hell would it be right the next 10 times? God!
Peter: Oh, man, I am screwed! I'm gonna lose my house, and my boat, and everything. How am I gonna come up with $50,000 by tomorrow?
Quagmire: Well, you could whore yourself out to 1,000 fat chicks for $50 apiece. Or 50 really fat chicks for $1,000. What? Don't look at me like that. Fat chicks need love, too. But they got to pay.
Peter: What is this?
Waitress: Sea water, courtesy of that gentleman over there.
Hennessey: You need $50,000, Griffin? I got a suggestion for you. Why don't you kill Daggermouth?
Peter: Maybe I will, Hennessey.
Shamus: You'd be buying yourself a one-way ticket to a watery grave. Daggermouth is the meanest, most ruthless creature that's ever inhabited the sea. Legend has it he dwells out by Fish Stench Cove. He'll kill any man that comes near there. I saw him once. Sure I'm blind in one eye, and my other eye was infected that day from picking at it, and I was tired, and I'd been swimming in a pool with too much chlorine, and that was the hour my glasses were at Lenscrafters but I seen that fish!
Peter: If there's $50,000 in it, I don't think I got a choice.
Shamus: You can whore yourself out to 1,000 fat chicks for $50.
Quagmire: Nah, nah, we covered that.
Hennessey: You ain't got a chance, Griffin. Daggermouth killed my friend Salty. And he was twice the fisherman you are. And half the weight!
Peter: Hey-no! No! Hot!
Joe: He's right, Peter. It'd be suicide to go after that fish. There's gotta be another way.
Cleveland: We could have a bake sale.
Quagmire: Oh, now, see, I think that's a neat idea.
Peter: No! I am not gonna let my family live on the street. Not even if it means ending up like Shamus here. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a date with destiny.
Quagmire: So, were you like, in an accident, or what?
Shamus: No. Me father was a tree.
Peter: What's wrong with me? I got to be crazy to think I can kill that man-eating fish. I mean, what the hell am I doing?
Jim: Hey, hey, hey, come on, Peter. What kind of talk is that?
Abby: Yeah, you can do it. Who's my big brave boy, huh?
Peter: Me.
Abby: Who's my big brave boy?
Peter: Me.
Abby: [blowing raspberries on Peter's stomach]
[Rock music playing]
Meg: This sucks, Mom.
Lois: Meg, stop moping. These are the best years of your life. Now, let's get up there and live a little, huh?
Meg: Mom, I look like an idiot!
Lois: No, you don't. Come on. Just move your hips a little like this.
Crowd: [Chanting] Lois! Lois! Lois!
Lois: Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg!
Crowd: Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg!
Lois: Atta girl! Shake your moneymaker!
Crowd: Meg! Meg! Meg!
Man: Oh, my God! It's a chick!
school janitor: [Repeating in Spanish]
Cop: All right, everybody! This party's over!
Man: Why do you cops always have to kill our buzz?
Cop: He used a teenage colloquialism. Get the tear gas.
[Screaming]
Joe: Not so fast, big guy.
Peter: What are you guys doing here?
Cleveland: We're gonna help you kill the fish.
Peter: But this is gonna be dangerous. We could all die.
Quagmire: Oh, come on. You're our best friend, Peter. Besides, I can remember a time when you saved all our butts.
Peter: Yeah, too bad I didn't get there until after the sodomy. All right, let's go kick some fish ass!
[Lively cheering]
[Siren wailing]
Meg: I can't believe I just showed everyone my tater tots. Worst of all, now I'm gonna have a police record.
Lois: Now, Meg, if you're gonna grab ahold of life, you've gotta expect to get your hands dirty once in a while.
Meg: It was kind of cool that people noticed me.
Lois: That's the spirit, honey. Okay, one, two, three, tuck and roll!
Peter: We're right on course, guys. Give me another beer.
Joe: You know, these are the precious moments. The four of us out at sea, miles away from civilization, tossing back brews.
Peter: Amen to that, Joe. Hey, you guys, here's one for you. Let's say none of us were married, all right? If you could have any woman in the world, who would it be?
Joe: Mariel Hemingway.
Peter: Come on. Really?
Cleveland: Not a very good choice.
Quagmire: She's jagged.
Joe: No. I think she's very attractive in a classical kind of way.
Quagmire: Yeah, but you could cut a roast on her face.
Cleveland: I would go with Margaret Thatcher.
All: Margaret Thatcher?
Peter: Why the hell Margaret Thatcher?
Cleveland: Oh, so nobody here thinks power is sexy? Not one of you finds power sexy?
Joe: How about you, Peter?
Peter: Oh, like you got to ask. The chick with three knockers from Total Recall.
Joe: Interesting.
Cleveland: I never saw that movie.
Quagmire: Hey, you know one was papier-mâché, right?
Peter: Oh, jeez, can I change my answer? Of course I know it's paper! I don't care! What's wrong with you? What about you, Quagmire?
Quagmire: Taylor Hanson.
Joe: Taylor Hanson's a guy.
Quagmire: You guys are yanking me. Hey, let's put one over on old Quagmire.
Peter: No, he's actually a guy, Quagmire.
Quagmire: Well, well, this is insane! That's impossible! Oh, my God, Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, God! I got all these magazines. Oh, God! Oh, God!
[Suspenseful instrumental music]
Joe: [gasping] This must be Fish Stench Cove.
Peter: All right. Now all we got to do is find the fish.
Terry Jones: I wonder where that fish did go. A fish, a fish, a fishy, oh.
Joe: I heard that when Daggermouth eats you, he devours your guts first.
Cleveland: I heard he doesn't just eat you, he eats your soul!
Peter: I heard one of Shannen Doherty's eyes is off-center 'cause it's trying to escape!
Daggermouth: Welcome, gentlemen!
Quagmire: It's him! Quick, shoot him!
Daggermouth: Not so fast! Perhaps I could offer you a glass of port. And you a glass of starboard. That's a little nautical joke. I'm a fish, you see. I'm also delightfully mad. Oh dear, would you mind holding still for a moment? These antique pistols take about ten minutes to reload.
Joe: Peter, catch!
Peter: Ow! Don't throw stuff at me, Joe!
Cleveland: Peter, shoot him!
Peter: Oh, yeah. Right. My God! Isn't it amazing that that's what we all look like on the inside?
Salty: It's a robot, you idiot.
Joe: Who are you?
Salty: I'm Salty.
Peter: Salty? But everybody said you were killed by that fish.
Salty: That's what I wanted them to think. I disappeared and spread the Daggermouth rumor myself.
Peter: Why?
Salty: Merchandise! Daggermouth t-shirts, mugs, posters. And I'm in talks with Nickelodeon for a cartoon show. Figured I'd pair him with an effeminate cat. What do you think?
Peter: I'd watch that.
Joe: Sure, sure
Quagmire: Me, too.
Cleveland: Sounds like a good balance.
Salty: And now I'm gonna give you $50,000 to be on your way.
Peter: $50,000? For what?
Salty: To keep your mouth shut! And because the longer we stay here the more people'll question how a fisherman with no engineering background managed to build a sophisticated talking fish robot.
Lois: Honey, I'm really sorry for how I acted. Getting so drunk, and ditching you at the bar and letting those boys take pictures of you while you were sleeping. I was so busy having fun, I guess I kind of ruined it for you.
[Car honking]
Lois: Uh-oh, we got company.
Meg: Looks like your fans are back, Mom.
Cool kids: Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg!
Lois: No, I think this one's all yours.
[Cheering]
Cool girl: You go, girl!
Cool boy 1: All right!
Cool boy 2: One's an innie, and one's an outie.
Announcer: And now, back to Daggermouth and Boom Boom on Nickelodeon.
Daggermouth: Boom Boom, did you do your exercises today?
Boom Boom: Yes. I did 20 laps. And I'm about to do 20 more!
Daggermouth: Oh, you!
Boom Boom: Yipes!
[Whimsical instrumental music]
Lois: Oh, Peter, I'm so glad being a fisherman is working out for you. You know I gotta admit I half expected to come home, and all our stuff would be gone, and we'd owe somebody a whole lot of money.
Peter: How can you "half expect" something?
Lois: I don't know. It's just a turn of phrase.
Peter: How do you "turn a phrase"?
Lois: God, you're dumb! Thank God for that ass! Now, come here and kiss me. Good night, honey.
Peter: Good night, Lois. Good night, Jim and Abby.
Jim & Abby: Good night.
[Abby blowing raspberries]
Peter: [laughing] Not now, Abby.
[closing theme music]