Running Mates

STEWIE
 [Stewie sat in garden eating soil] I say Rupert, these crumpets you've prepared look positively divine. Ehemm, mmm! Excellent texture, provocative support. Try another you say? Well aren't I the wicked one.
LOIS
 Stewie, I told you before don't eat dirt. It's disgusting.
STEWIE
 Oh, and I suppose the bilios curds you force fed me from your teat were perfectly fine then.
LOIS
Glenn would you mind holding Stewie?
QUAGMIRE
 Heh heh said and done. Well hey there spud with the mud.
STEWIE
 Oh good Lord do you bathe in Aqua Velva?
CLEVELAND
 Hi Lois. You've got our votes.
LOIS
 Thank you Cleveland. Someone has to run against that awful Betsy Labowe. She actually opposes background checks for new teachers. God knows who she might hire.
        [Flash to a math classroom]
TEACHER
So, the square of the hypotenuse which we will label “C” making the sides opposite, both of the acute angles “A” and “B” will always equal the sum of the other sides. [Teacher hands a student a note that reads, “do you like me?”]  Any questions?
LOIS
 It's just something I have to do. Even if winning means spending time out of the house and away from my family.
STEWIE
 Out of the house. Why I'd be free from your oppressive gynocracy. What the deuce are you standing here for? You should be out giving speeches shaking hands and kissing babies. [Lois kisses him] Not this baby.
PETER
 Hey Lois, you seen my pants? [Laughter from studio audience] Boy will I be glad when that studio audience moves out of town.
PETER
 Hey Lois, what's with the sign?
LOIS
 Peter, we discussed this. I'm running for school board. You never listen to me.
PETER
 Oh yeah, I remember. Hey Cleveland, hey Quagmire... hey Lois, what's with the sign?
BRIAN
 You guys. Chris' principle just called. Chris is in trouble.
STUDIO AUDIENCE
Oooooohhhh.
PETER
 Oh, that's it I'm calling the cops.
        [Peter, Lois and Chris in the Principle's office.]
PRINCIPLE
Mr. Griffin I'm afraid I have some bad news. I caught your son peeking into the girl’s locker room.
LOIS
Oh Chris!
PETER
 So what's the big deal? It's normal for boys his age to be curious. I remember when I first noticed girls starting to develop.
        [Flashback - a young Peter is sat in a school auditorium]
PRINCIPLE
Welcome to 8th grade orientation everyone [breasts start to sprout on all the females around Peter and then on Peter himself] uhmm locker assignments will be handed out in the library after lunch period.  Uh, if you have any questions about your locker assignment or class schedule, uh please come…
        [Outside the Principle's office]
LOIS
 We'll continue this discussion tonight young man. A women is not an object.
PETER
 Your mother's right son. Listen to what it says.
LOIS
 Peter!
PETER
 Uhhh… I didn't say that. Lee Majors did.
LEE MAJORS
What? Women are things.
PETER
 Oh my God. It's Mr. Fargas. He was my favorite teacher.
        [Flashback - Peter is sat in one of Mr. Fargas' classes]
MR. FARGAS
 Take out your scalpels kids, today we're going to dissect… a clown! Well, no wonder this clown died. His lungs are filled with candy.
LOIS
Wow, why don’t you go say hello?  I’m gonna drop off some campaign flyers in the teachers lounge.
PETER
 Hey hey Mr. Fargas, It's me Peter Griffin.
MR. FARGAS
Griffin, Griffin. Sorry not on the list.
PETER
 Aww don't you remember me? I was your favorite student. You taught me everything. Math, science. You even taught me how to dance just in time for the prom.
        [Flashback - Peter being taught how to dance by Mr. Fargas]
MR. FARGUS
Well Peter you start like this!
             [Dances]
PETER
Like this?
             [Dances]
MR. FARGUS
Yeah now add a little turn and do a buckin-whit
PETER
Come on Mr. Fargus do the whole darn thing!
        [End flashback]
PETER
 Geeze what happened to you? Someone give you a funectamy?
MR. FARGAS
 No, they gave me these by order of the school board. They said it evens me out. Sorry to fly off the handle like that.
PETER
 Let me see that… [Throws pills away] That is what I think of you taking chill pills from the man. The old Farge made learning fun and that’s what these kids need.  Now get back in that classroom and teach your Farging ass off.
        [Back at the Griffin's house, Peter is stood outside Chris' door.  Hears a weird noise…]
        [Peter knocks on the door]
CHRIS
 Don't come in… just a minute!
PETER
 Chris, you mother wants me and you to have a talk
[Peter opens door]
CHRIS
 [Bouncing ball on paddle] Aww I was going for a new record.
PETER
 Now son as men it's only natural for us to look at naked girls. Every man does it, even Mr. Rogers.
MR. ROGERS
[Looking through binoculars] Hello neighbor... awwww.
PETER
 But peeping can be dangerous, so I brought you this [box of porno mags].
CHRIS
 Wow Miss December.
PETER
 Heh, yep. The old skin bin. Now you can look at naked girls all you want and it's perfectly legal.
CHRIS
Wow, check out the rack on... Mom?
PETER
 Hey give me that… just a little present your mom gave me for our anniversary. Heheh...
CHRIS
 Alright Dad!  Hey Dad, thanks.
       
        [Peter leaves, closes door, hears that noise again, and realizes he has Chris’s pattle]
        [In the kitchen]
MEG
 Mom, If you get elected to the school board can you fix it so I win Homecoming Queen?
LOIS
 Oh honey, of course I can. But winning without honor isn't really winning at all isn't that right Milli?
MILLI
No it's just as good. [Dances]
STEWIE
 Cease this prattling! This campaign literature must be posted today if we are going to get you into office and out of my life you festering strumpet.
PETER
 Hey you guys… hey Lois, you running for school board?
MEG
 Look Chris' school is on TV [Meg points at television].
DIANE
 The egg drop; an annual tradition for junior high school science students.
TOM
 But today, an egg drop conducted by teacher Randal Fargas seems to have gone horribly horribly wrong. We now go live to action news 5 Asian correspondent Trisha Takanowa.
TRICIA
Well Tom the eggs being dropped behind me are not chicken eggs but those of the endangered California condor.
PETER
 Welcome back Fargas.
LOIS
 Oh my God. He's gonna wipe that species off the face of the earth.
PETER
 No Lois the janitor will do that.
TRICIA
Tom, I'm getting word that the Quahog school board has just dismissed Randal Fargas effectively ending his 32 year teaching career.
PETER
 What? They can't do that.
LOIS
 Peter, the man is obviously unbalanced.
DIANE
 In other news, Betsy Labowe a candidate for school board president announced today she is pulling out of the race.  Labowe’s withdrawal now leaves housewife Lois Griffin running unopposed.
LOIS
 Oh my goodness I win by default!
PETER
 Oh great you can give Fargas his job back!
LOIS
 I'm sorry but I do have a mind of my own and I happen to agree with the school boards decision.
PETER
 Yeah, yeah I know you're a feminist and I think that's adorable but this is grown up time and I'm the man.
LOIS
 I'm not giving that lunatic his job back and that’s final.
PETER
 Lois, I can't let you deprive our children of a fine teacher like Mr. Fargas! I’m going to stop you the only way I can… by killing you... in the race for school board president.
        [In the front garden, Peter is putting up signs for the poll]
BRIAN
 Peter, are you sure running against Lois is such a good idea? You know how competitive you get.
PETER
 Hey, hey I can be just as noncompetitive as anybody. In fact I’m the most noncompetitive, so I win.
BRIAN
 Come on you can't even handle losing at checkers.
        [Flashback - Peter and Brian are playing Checkers]
BRIAN
 King me.
PETER
 Um, hHey look over there.
BRIAN
 What?
[Peter grabs board, throws it in the trunk, drives car off cliff, then shoots car].
        [In the garden]
LOIS
 Peter since when do you care about the school board?
PETER
 Lois, Mr. Fargas is getting a bum rap and if running against you is the only way to get him back into the classroom then I'm going to run like the 6 million dollar man.
        [Flash - 6 Million Dollar Man]
MAN
We can rebuild him. We have the technology. But I don't want to spend a lot of money.
        [In the garden.]
LOIS
 Fine if you feel that strongly then by all means run. But I'm warning you I'm not going to pull any punches on the issues.
PETER
 Oh I'm Lois, look at me with my big ideas and my pointy nose. nana nana na.
LOIS
 Oh boy, this will be even easier then running unopposed.
PETER
 Is that so? Well I'm not only gonna beat you. I'm gonna eat your nose.
LOIS
 See you on the campaign trail.
        [Candidate parade]
        [Brian and Stewie in the conservatory]
STEWIE
 Oh my, look where my hand is... I say look where my hand is. It's in a very naughty place [finger in nose] Does this not disgust you?
BRIAN
 Kid you're talking to a guy who uses his tongue for toilet paper.
STEWIE
 Now look her you loathsome cur. The matron oppressor has left me in your ward. You should be striving to thwart my loathsome misdeeds.
STEWIE
 Look at me, I’m writing profanity on the wall [poopycock]
BRIAN
 Water soluble.
STEWIE
 Don't just sit there I have misbehaved. I've been a bawdy little monkey.
STEWIE
 If that vile woman were here she'd prove a worthy adversary.
BRIAN
What's the matter? Miss your mommy?
STEWIE
 oh yes that's it. That's quite good. Yes I miss my mommy. I also miss colic and rectal thermometry.
BRIAN
 Whatever you say... mama's boy.
STEWIE
 Blast!
        [Quahog High School]
BOY
Hey Chris, Hector found two rocks that look like boobs, you in?
CHRIS
 Who needs rocks when you've got these. [Shows porno mags].
BOYS
Wow [Cover themselves]
        [Peter, Quagmire and Cleveland in a car campaigning]
PETER
 Vote for Peter Griffin
QUAGMIRE
 Woah, look at all of Lois' signs. Talk about seeing red. Oh!
CLEVELAND
 Peter, I'm concerned that your candidacy may have become a lost cause. The debate is tonight and you don't seem to have any supporters.
PETER
 Don't sweat it boys. The Griffin men have always been winners, dating back to my dominative great Grandfather, Juarez Griffin.
        [Flashback - Cock fight]
PETER
 Fella's the debates in the bag, alright? If there's one thing I can do is play to a crowd.
        [Debate on the television]
ANNOUNCER
Lois Griffin, daughter of shipping magnet Carter Pugersmit and passive aggressivist Barbara Pugersmit. Tonight she takes on her greatest challenge. Peter Griffin, Quahogs' native son, self described huger-naught whatever the hell that means and community activist.
CHRIS
 Go Dad.
MEG
 He can't hear you.
CHRIS
 GO DAD!
ANNOUNCER
Fasten your seatbelts; we're just minutes away from Lois vs. Peter. Griffin vs. Griffin on Monday Night Debate yall.
        [In Stewie's bedroom]
[Brian reading Stewie a story]
STEWIE
 No, no, no you’re doing it wrong. When you read fast you're supposed to read Metastopholes in a scary voice… like this.
BRIAN
 Oh is that how your mommy reads it?
STEWIE
 I do not miss that ogress. She can burn in hell for all I care.
BRIAN
Sure she can.
        [Brian walks out of the room, Stewie breaks into song]
STEWIE
 Damn, Damn, Damn, I've grown accustom to her face.
 She almost makes the day begin.
 I've grown accustom to the tune she whistles night and noon.
 Her smiles her frowns her ups her downs are second nature to me now
 Like breathing out and breathing in
 I'm very grateful she's a woman
 And so easy to forget
 Rather like a habit one can always break.
 And yet, I've grown accustom to her looks
 Accustom to her voice
 Accustom to her face
        */ SEE QUAHOG 5 NEWS LYRICS SECTION TO HEAR THIS SONG \*
STEWIE
 "Sigh"
STUDIO AUDIENCE
Awww…
STEWIE
 DAMN YOU ALL!
        [At the debate]
TOM
 Mr. Griffin, your opening statement please.
PETER
 Ok, uh, I'm Peter Griffin vote for me.
TOM
 Is that it?
PETER
 Ah. No, this is it. This is life, the one you get so go and have a ball because the world don't move to the beat of just on drum. What might be right for you may not be right for some. You take the good, you take the bad you take the both and there you have my opening statement… Sit boy sit. Good dog.
DIANE
Okay, Mrs. Griffin
LOIS
 Well as a piano teacher I know how difficult the education process can be; that's why if I'm elected I promise to fight for competent teachers and a better funded music department and updated textbooks that don't refer to the civil rights movement as trouble ahead.
DIANE
 Mr. Griffin, your response.  Maybe something about education.
PETER
 I've always cared deeply about young people as a rich college-bound student I once joined some under-privileged in saving a community center from being converted into a shopping mall.
       
        [Applause]
LOIS
 Peter, that wasn't you that was Adalfa Shabadu in Breakin 2: Electric Boogaloo. You watched it last night.
        [Audience booing]
PETER
 So you’re calling me a liar, eh?  Well I’m gonna take the high road and stick to the issues.  The children of Quahog are our greatest treasure. They deserve a school board president who doesn't leave her feminine ointments in the fridge next to the mustard. That was the worst hotdog I ever ate. She flosses in bed. She snores like a wilder beast.
TOM
Thank-you Mr. Griffin that’s…
PETER
Wait a second I’m not done yet.  She freed Willie Horton. She nailed Donna Rice.
LOIS
 Peter, that's enough.
PETER
 Eats babies.
        [Applause, audience chants Peter]
LOIS
 Just a minute, listen to me please!  This election is about our children’s future. So ask yourselves what kind of future will it be if we elect a man who has never taught a student or attended a PTA meeting. This is a man who believes the plural of goose is sheep. I'm the right person for the job. Vote for me.
AUDIENCE
Lois Lois Lois!
PETER
 Wait I'm not done... Peter. Peter. Peter... Hey shut up. Just shut up.
        [In the kitchen of the Griffin's house.]
LOIS
 Well I didn't enjoy humiliating Peter but what choice did I have?
BRIAN
 That’s ok Lois, I enjoyed it.
LOIS
 Ugh, as soon as the polls close we can put all of this ugliness behind us.
PETER
 [TV ad] Lois Griffin is a slut.
LOIS
 What?
PETER
 Hi. I'm Peter Griffin. You know I grew up in this town. Quahog needs a moral upstanding school board president, someone we can trust. Well a lot of nasty things have been said during this campaign but pictures are better than words because some words are big and hard to understand. But here's something everyone can understand. [shows picture of Lois in revealing pose] Do you really want your children's future in the hands of this? I know I don't.
        [Quahog 5 News]
TOM
 Lewd, obsence and a little blurry; just some off the words used to
describe Lois Griffins' purent pic.  Hello, I’m Tom Tucker.
DIANE
 And I’m Diane Simmons.  Yesterday voters overwhelmingly declared that Lois Griffin is not the kind of person we want running their schools. Her husband Peter Griffin was elected by a landslide.
        [School hall]
PETER
 Oh, hat a great day. I just wanna say… I wanna say (hic) I am so friggin wasted.
        [The lounge]
STEWIE
 [in his head] Splendid how delightful it will be to have mother back.
BRIAN
I heard that.
STEWIE
 Damn!
CHRIS
 Don't feel bad mom. All my friends think you're hot. They can't believe I came out of you.
PETER
 Hey Lois, I've got a joke for you. How many losers does it take to make me breakfast? One. Just you. Hahaha. I’m just kidding, but French toast please.
LOIS
 Don't even talk to me Peter. You humiliated your own wife and for what, just to get that crazy Mr. Fargas back in the classroom?
PETER
 Who?
LOIS
 Peter I care about our schools, all you care about was some stupid competition.  Well winning was only half the battle. If you blow this chance to do something good for our kids you will big the biggest loser I know.
PETER
 Oh yeah? Peter Griffin is no a loser. When I get done our students will be so smart they will be able to program their VCRs without spilling piping hot gravy all over myself.
        [Quahog High School]
TRICIA
This is Tricia Takanahra here with school board president Peter Griffin. Mr. President you've accomplished so much in just a few short weeks.
PETER
 Thanks Connie. I'm very excited about our progress in revamp.
PETER
 For starters we're making sex education more fun.
School House Rock: Vagina junction whets your function
School House Rock: Taking in sperm and spitting out babies.
PETER
 And our schools are the safest around thanks to the hall monitor XLK.
XLK
Halt, present school pass.
STUDENT
Right here.
XLK
 Second request, present hall pass.
STUDENT
Right here…
XLK
Security breach, security breach.
[XLK starts shooting at her].
PETER
 I guess little miss free spirit will think twice before roaming the halls.
PETER
 And I've restocked our school library with books of our greatest movies and TV shows because if we don't teach our kids to read, how will they ever know what's on.
TRICIA
Mr. Griffin this is impressive, I’ve never seen kids so enthusiastic about reading.
PETER
Thank you, thank you, hey that’s what you voted for.
PETER
 Hey son show the folks at home what you got there.
TRICIA
Good Lord, that's a dirty magazine.
PETER
 Hey, that's mine. There might be a mineshaft under this library.
GUY
My God, all these kids are looking at pornography
TRICIA
 What kind of pervert gave you all this thilth?
STUDENT
Chris Griffin. He got it from his dad.
        [Everyone is shocked and looks to Peter]
        [In the Griffin's house]
CLEVELAND
 Oh there's quite a crowd outside. I haven't witnessed pandemonium like this since Ridiculous Day down at the deli, when prices were so low they were ridiculous.
QUAGMIRE
You said it paly, that’s why I brought in the big guns.  Say how do to the ragin cagin Mr. James Carville.
PETER
 Ahh. Ow. Geeze did somebody open the Ark of the Covenant?
JAMES CARVILLE
Now now see Peter what you gotta do is declare war.  War you see war is your only chance in surviving this scandalous is to claim that Lois gave your boy a pornography.
QUAGMIRE
And he’s right, heh, give em the old ball and chain.
PETER
 I can't do that Lois is mad enough at me. Oh God I'm sorry I can't look at you. I can handle ugly but this is just like circus ugly.
        [House basement]
PETER
 Lois I need your help you gotta come to my press conference this afternoon.
LOIS
Heh.
PETER
I could lose my presidency.
LOIS
 Too bad, I’ve already lost more than that.
PETER
 Not my rainbow colored socks with the individual toes.
LOIS
 No I've lost my respect for you.
PETER
 Oh... ‘cause I need those socks.
        [The press conference]
TOM
We now take you live to Peter Griffin Jr. High where a battle for School board Peter Griffin is fighting for his political life.
        [Audience booing]
MEG
 Mom, what are you doing here? I thought you were mad at dad.
LOIS
 I am I just came to see him twist in the wind.
CHRIS
 Are you and dad gonna get a divorce?
LOIS
 Oh honey... maybe.
PETER
 A parent giving porno to their kid is a terrible thing, but I'm here to tell you I'm innocent. I didn't give those magazines to my son. My wife... my wife… Lois [people in audience morph into Lois] Lois! [Sees James Carville] Ahhh! Ah crap! My wife Lois is the most important person in the world to me. I gave my son those magazines. Even worse I turned a beautiful gift from Lois into something cheap. I just wanted to win so bad. Now I know there are some things more important than winning. Lois I only hope that you can find it in your heart to forgive me.
LOIS
 Oh Peter.
TRICIA
You're saying you're not only a bad father, but a bad husband too?
REPORTER
Do you have the moral authority to leave?
PETER
 Yes, no, and screw it I resign.
        [News report after Peter and Lois left the building]
DIANE
 And there’s the president and first lady Lois
TOM
 Now boarding the helicopter.
        [Quahog 5 News newsroom]
DIANE
 And so ends a dark and shameful chapter in the history of Quahog Rhode Island. One which leaves this reporter asking how much moral bankruptcy and perversion must we the people endure?
TOM
 Next up our special report on the clitoris. Nature’s rubrics cube.