Brian in Love

[music a la the theme from "Mister Rogers' Neighborhood"]
Mr. Rogers: Hello, neighbor. I'm glad we're together again.
[Bell rings]
Mr. Rogers: Oh! I think I hear our friend Trolley.
Stewie: Actually, it's your mortal enemy, Stewie.
Mr. Rogers: What the...
Stewie: I wouldn't bother visiting the Neighborhood of Make-believe today, Mr. Rogers. I dare say, you'll find it quite in ruin.
Mr. Rogers: What?
Henrietta Pussycat: Meow, meow, meow, skin graft. Meow, meow, meow, meow.
Mr. Rogers: Oh, my God!
Stewie: That's right, all dead. And now, Mr. Rogers...Fred. May as well drop the bloody formalities, I'm going to kill you anyway.
Mr. Rogers: No, please. Don't!
Stewie: How ironic. "Rogers." It almost rhymes with: "eliminate."
Mr. Rogers: No!
Stewie: What, what? What the devil?
Lois: It's okay, Stewie. You were just talking in your sleep.
Mr. Rogers: But now it's time for you to meet Mr. Death.
Stewie: Aaugh!
Theme Song
[Theme from The Jetsons]
George Jetson: Help! Jane! Stop this crazy thing! Stop! Help!
Jane Jetson: Oh, my God! George!
George Jetson: Did you not hear me out there?
Elroy Jetson: Dad, are you...
George Jetson: Go to your room, Elroy.
Elroy Jetson: But what happened?
George Jetson: Go to your room! For 45 minutes I was out there screaming. I know that because my damn watch is broken.
Jane Jetson: I'm sorry.
George Jetson: Oh, "I'm sorry!" "I'm sorry!" Jane is sorry! I could've been killed!
Chris: So, uh, what are you wearing? Wow! I bet you could see right through that.
Lois: Chris, who are you talking to?
Chris: Grandma.
Lois: Oh, no!
Brian: What is it?
Lois: It looks like Stewie had an accident on the carpet.
Brian: Oh, Lois, again?
Lois: That baby just does not want to keep his diaper on.
Stewie: Here you are! What the hell is this?
Lois: Sweetie, that's tuna salad.
Stewie: Oh, is that what it is? Really? Because I could have sworn it was mayonnaise and cat food! Here's 50 cents. Do me a favor, sweetheart. The next time you're out shopping, why don't you splurge on a tin of solid white albacore?
Lois: Stewie, are you upset because you went wee-wee on the carpet?
Stewie: What did you just say?
Peter: Hey, Lois, I...hey, did you pee in here?
Stewie: In a moment! What did you just say?
Lois: Peter, we have a serious problem we need to discuss.
Peter: Aw, jeez. This isn't another one of those interventions, is it?
[Griffin kitchen]
Lois: Peter, you've been wearing that giant foam cowboy hat for eight months now. Please, for your family, take it off.
Peter: Hey. Hey, I can take this hat off anytime I want. I just don't want to. Get away!
[living room]
Lois: No, it's Stewie. He peed on the carpet.
Peter: Do I-do I hit him?
Lois: No!
Stewie: Bend down, Mother.
Lois: Yes, honey?
Stewie: How dare you sully my good name by spreading your slanderous filth!
Lois: Stewie, no hitting! Use your words.
Brian: Oh, he's probably just ashamed, Lois. You're just a helpless little carpet tinkler, aren't you?
Stewie: Well! The outrages I have suffered today will not be soon forgotten! I will not be forgetting those outrages! No, no! No, they won't be forgotten! Not the...
Brian: "Outrages," yeah. I think we got it.
Stewie: Ah!
Lois: Maybe it's time for Stewie to start potty training.
Peter: Isn't he a little young for that? You know what happened to the Lindbergh baby.
Mrs. Lindbergh: Charles, he's only 6 months old.
Charles Lindbergh: Honey, would you relax? God, I flew across the Atlantic by myself. I'm a national treasure, for God's sake. I think I know how to...ah! Oh, God! Oh, God! All right. He was kidnapped. You call the police. I'll write the ransom note.
Mrs. Lindbergh: What about Amelia? She saw everything!
Charles Lindbergh: You leave her to me.
Lois: Come on, honey. He's been having accidents. Maybe he's trying to tell us he's ready. This could be a nice way for you and Stewie to bond.
Peter: Bond? James Bond. All right, Lois. I'll do it!
Brian: Oh, God. Not again, Brian. Why can't you stop peeing on the carpet? Damn it! It's not coming out.
Lois: Brian, is that you?
Brian: Uh, yeah. It's me.
Lois: Is everything okay?
Brian: Yeah, yeah. I couldn't sleep. I'll be up in a minute.
Lois: Okay.
Brian: [disgusted sigh]
Bob Barker: Join us tomorrow for more Price is Right. This is Bob Barker reminding you to help control the pet population. Have your pets spayed or neutered.
Brian: Oh, just die, already.
Meg: Mom, Stewie peed on the rug again!
Brian: No!
Lois: Oh, this has gotta stop.
Meg: God! It smells gross.
Brian: well, Princess, I don't see anyone dabbing yours behind their ears.
Lois: That's odd. It looks like someone already tried to clean it up.
Brian: No, it doesn't.
Chris: Mine smells like soda.
Peter: Yeah, I'm looking for toilet-training books.
Clerk: Oh, yes. We can help you there. "Everybody Poops" is still the standard, of course. We've also got the less popular "Nobody Poops But You."
Peter: Huh. Well, see, we're Catholic, so...
Clerk: Then you want "You're a Naughty Child And That's Concentrated Evil Coming Out the Back of You."
Peter: Perfect!
Lois: Brian, what are you doing?
Brian: Oh, hi, Lois. I was just washing some things.
Lois: Those look like our sheets and our quilt.
Brian: They are. I'm washing them in some fabric softener, because last night they were so itchy, I couldn't sleep. Which is why I was downstairs when you asked me if everything was okay and I said I couldn't sleep. You know, because it was so itchy.
Peter: Come on, Stewie. Don't you want to pee in a toilet bowl, like a big boy? I remember when I learned to use a potty all by myself. I was so proud.
[current-aged Peter in living room]
Peter: Hey, Lois! I did it!
[back to bathroom]
Stewie: Well, perhaps I could give it the old college try. Why don't you put your hands right there? It'll help me relax.
Peter: Okay, buddy. Augh! Maybe you don't have to pee. Hey, I oughta give you beer. It goes right through you.
Stewie: Wonderful, and while we're at it, we could light up a doobie and watch porn.
Peter: Y-yeah?
Stewie: Listen, you, I'll use these facilities when I'm damn well ready. Until then, you shall continue to sanitize my crevasse and be damn grateful for the opportunity! Starting right...[grunting]. Well not now. But soon!
Peter: Oh, oh, and I want these, and these, and these.
Lois: Only one.
Peter: But that man over there got two!
Lois: Peter, I don't care what the other men are getting. You're only getting one.
Peter: I hate you! Hey, what's that sound?
Stewie: You're urinating! So, it's been you all along! Oh, this is too perfect! I've been taking the blame for Rex.
Meg: Ew, it's everywhere!
Lois: It's okay. Meg, hand me my sweater.
Peter: Jeez, Brian, where do you think you are? Payless?
Stewie: I say, I say, Paco, grab a mop. For God's sake, could somebody get Patches the hell out of here before he decides to bend a fresh biscuit on the conveyor belt?
Lois: It's okay. We'll meet you in the parking lot.
Brian: Oh, God, Lois. I need help.
[Quahog Medical Center; pychologist's office]
Brian: Look, I really don't even know why I'm here. The urologist said I was fine.
Dr. Kaplan Well, sometimes these things can be psychological.
Brian: Doubt that! I mean, I've got a very comfortable life. I live with a great family. All my needs are met. Okay, look. So, maybe this isn't where I thought I was gonna be at 7 years old. It's just that I.... God, is it okay if I smoke in here? Thanks. It's just that things don't always work out the way we plan. Do you know I've never been to Europe? Now look at me. Middle-aged, alone, and peeing in supermarkets. Man, didn't see that coming. I had this dream last night. Did you ever see Logan's Run?
Intercom: Last day. Capricorn 2537. Our next dedication goes out to Tommy from Kim.
["All Out of Love" by Air Supply over PA system]
[Tense sci-fi instrumental music]
Man: We've got a runner in Sector G.
Brian: What about him? He's gotta be in his 50s.
[back in office]
Brian: So what do you think?
Dr. Kaplan: I think you're very sensitive, and you put up a tough front. I think you're in pain.
Brian: Damn it, Brian, do not cry.
Dr. Kaplan: I'd like to pet you, Brian. Would that be okay? You're a good dog, Brian. A very good...
Brian: Keep it above the waist, Doc.
Tom Tucker: And now part two of our very own Asian correspondent Tricia Takanawa's special report on sex.
Tricia Takanawa: Tom, I'm standing in the bedroom of Judy and Glen Isaacs. Ten years married and still in love. What's their secret? Judy has an inoperable brain tumor the size of my fist. And that just happens to be Glen's fetish.
Lois: Brian, how'd it go?
Brian: Well, Lois, I think I have little bit of "me work" to do. But I'm feeling things, and that's a start.
Lois: Oh, that's wonderful. You know, like most other people, I used to think therapy was only for crazies and nut jobs. Isn't that silly?
Peter: Hey, Lois, I...hey, Brian. How you doing? They let you out already?
Brian: I was in a therapy session, not a lunatic asylum.
Peter: Hey, hey, hey, calm down. Lots of crazy people have gone on to lead normal, successful lives.
Lois: What did your therapist say?
Brian: Dr. Kaplan thinks the "accidents" are linked to some kind of mid-life crisis. He suggests I go out into the world and pursue my dreams. I'm leaving tomorrow.
Parachutist: Whoops. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hang on, hang on. I gave you one of the ones with silverware in it. Take this one instead. That one's probably fine.
Brian: Beautiful.
Man: Augh!
Brian: Oh, my God! Are you Stephen King?
Man: No. I'm Dean Koontz.
Brian: Oh.
[Engine starts]
Man: [Gurgling]
Brian: But, you know, thanks to these sessions, I think I'm okay. Being out in the world, feeling my power, and no accidents! I've been dry for two weeks now.
Dr. Kaplan: Mazel tov.
Brian: Well, good-bye, Dr. Kaplan. And thank you.
Tom Tucker: Look, I know Stacy isn't your mother but upside-down face or not, you have to respect her.
Brian: Hey, you're Tom Tucker...[yelps]
Jake Tucker: Hey!
Brian: Oh, God. That was rude. I apologize. Wow.
Stewie: [Urinating] ? I'm a little teapot short and stout? ?Here is my handle, here is my spout? ?When I get all steamed up, hear me shout? Lois, it looks as if Puddles has done it again! Goodness, he's wet everything. [laughter]
Brian: I-I swear, I don't even remember doing it. I don't understand this.
Lois: Now, Brian, we know you're not doing this on purpose. But maybe we should consider...crating.
Brian: Oh, God.
Peter: Or you could be an outside dog. Eh? Would you like that? Eh? Outside?
Brian: And how embarrassed was I when the word "crate" came up? I thought I was past this. I traveled the world, for God's sake. Do you know how much I spent?
Dr. Kaplan: Well, obviously we haven't hit the real issue yet. Drop it. Tell me, Brian, the last accident you remember, did anything unusual happen that might've triggered it?
Brian: No, no. It was a normal day.
[Peter washing the car]
Peter: Oh, Catwoman.
Lois: Peter, no "Catwoman" today. I'm tired.
Peter: What's the matter? Is the mighty Catwoman afraid of a little Catwoman melting spray?
Lois: Peter, no.
Peter: Come on.
Lois: All right. Okay. Enough, Batman. I don't want...
Peter: Not so mighty now, are you, Catwoman?
Lois: Peter!
Peter: Take that. I spit water on you.
Lois: Peter! Batman, I can't breathe! Peter! I'm using my special cat power to get Batman all wet.
Peter: Hey, knock it off.
Lois: [meowing]
Brian: You know, just the usual stuff. Wait a minute. All that running water. That's gotta be it!
Dr. Kaplan: Mmm-hmm. Brian, tell me about Lois.
Brian: Lois. Well, she's a fantastic woman. She's compassionate and charming, attractive. Well, stunning, really. I guess you could say I really...
Dr. Kaplan: Love her?
Brian: No, of course not! Me and Lois? That's sick! I mean, come on. She's my best friend's wife.
Dr. Kaplan: Mmm-hmmm.
Brian: Look, I love Lois, but I'm not in love with her.
Dr. Kaplan: Who are you trying to convince, Brian? Me or you?
Brian: Oh, Brian, Brian, what a mess. Don't get antsy. I got three minutes left.
Peter: So, what the hell, Brian? You cured yet? 'Cause, you know, I don't want to have to live in a house with plastic on the furniture like some Italian family.
Brian: My therapist thinks he's figured out what my problem is.
Peter: Oh, yeah? What does Sigmund "Fraud" think it is?
Brian: He thinks I'm in love.
Peter: Oh, my God! You can talk!
Brian: [lengthy pause] Never mind.
Peter: Well, does this girl love you back?
Brian: I can't imagine.
Peter: You gotta find out for sure. You don't want to spend your life wondering what could have been.
Waiter: Sir, I need a decision.
Peter: Uh, uh, salad. No, wait! Soup!
[back in living room]
Peter: But it was too late. And to this day, I still lay awake at night wondering about the soup that got away.
Brian: Thanks, Peter. I'm gonna go find out how she feels.
Man: I've taken you for granted.
Peter: Oh, get a room!
Lois: Hey, you. The news is on.
Brian: Where is everybody?
Lois: Stewie's taking a nap, and Peter and the kids are out. Come sit with me.
Brian: O-okay. [shuddering]
Diane Simmons: And now part three of Asian correspondent Tricia Takanawa's special report on sex.
Tricia Takanawa: Thank you, Diane. Sex. Some people have it anonymously. What kind of person would do that, you might ask? Well, I'm about to find out. I just picked up a complete stranger in a hotel bar and he's in the bathroom right now, possibly doing drugs. Watch as I have sex with this potentially dangerous man as we take you in-depth and undercover.
Quagmire: I've never had a Spanish chick before. O-lé!
Lois: It is so refreshing to see something other than violence on the news. Brian, your tail keeps hitting me.
Brian: If it's bothering you, I can stop.
Lois: No, it's okay. The breeze feels good. It's so warm in here. Ooh, that's better.
Brian: I'd take my sweater off, but I'm afraid it's attached to my skin. [awkward laughter] [to self:]Smooth.
Lois: Well, I'd better go start dinner.
Stewie: Well, well, well!
Brian: How long have you been there?
Stewie: I came along about the time you started pummeling her with your tail.
Brian: You shut up!
Stewie: You love her! Ha! Oh, this is so good, it just has to be fattening.
Brian: I said, shut up!
Stewie: Oh, by the way, nice rap. "I'd take my sweater off, but I'm afraid it's attached to my skin." Ha ha ha! Imbecile!
Meg: Then, Brittany and Amber were like, "Let's go to the mall." And I was like, "Okay, I'll go to the mall." But then Amber wasn't gonna go, so I went to the mall. And you're not gonna believe it-they both showed up!
Peter: Hold on. Meg, Meg. I'm sorry. That is a really boring story. I haven't been this bored since that stupid drive-in movie.
[drive-in; Peter's car facing the wrong way]
Peter: This sucks.
[back in dining room]
Brian: Lois, this pasta, better than Italy.
Lois: It's just my Noodle Caboodle. I did use a different brand of potato chips for the crust, though.
Brian: Your culinary prowess is surpassed only by your unfailing grace and the uncommon, sometimes haunting glow of sensuality that surrounds you.
Lois: It's just Noodle Caboodle.
Peter: Hey, what are these hard things?
Lois: M&Ms. I ran out of paprika.
Brian: [blows kiss] Magnificent.
Stewie: Up. Up. Stewie wants to go uppie!
Lois: You want me to pick you up, sweetie?
Stewie: Mmm, Momma's skin's so soft.
Lois: My goodness, you're affectionate tonight. Well, let me give my big boy a kiss.
Stewie: Another! Another! Yes! Momma has candy kisses!
Brian: All right, that's enough! I mean, would you all excuse me, please?
Lois: Stewie...did you unhook Mommy's bra?
Brian: Uh, hi.
Lois: Well, hello, Brian.
Brian: I think we should talk.
Lois: Sure.
Brian: Lois, did your heart ever want to ask something, but your head was too afraid of what the answer might be?
Lois: Oh. Oh, God. Sometimes it's best not to ask those questions. Sometimes we should cherish what we already have. Like a very special friendship, let's say like the one you and I share that someone like me wouldn't change for anything in the world.
Brian: Someone like me wouldn't change it for anything in the world either.
Lois: I'm glad.
Brian: Okay, just to be clear, we were talking about me being in love with you, and you rejecting me, right?
Lois: Yes.
Brian: Just making sure. Say we were both drunk, and we knew we wouldn't remember?
Lois: Well, I'd have to be really, really...no!
Brian: I tell you, Peter, I wish I'd taken this up years ago.
Peter: Yeah, you know, my great-great-great uncle, Angus Griffin, invented the game.
Angus Griffin: So, we're all clear on the rules then? No Jews and no blacks.
All: Aye!
Peter: Whoa, you're like the Arnold Palmer of golf.
Brian: Yeah, life is good. I'm seven years old, and if I play my cards right I've got another seven years ahead of me.
Peter: Hey, what ever happened to your lady friend?
Brian: We decided to stay good friends. I found out that there are different kinds of love, and ours was perfect the way it was.
Peter: So she dumped you, huh? Ah, the hell with her! She'll probably end up with some idiot. Serves her right. Damn. Damn. Damn. Damn. Mulligan. Damn.
[closing theme music]